Voyager,
The Cutting Room Floor.
BY: LANNAWANNABE and DJ_KK_LK_41 Ok, it's under Lannawannabe outside, but it's really by both of us. just ignore that it only has one author.
Disclaimer: We do not own Voyager. We know it. Our agent told us yesterday, it was a major letdown! We were in total shock. Then he told us that we just take the characters and change them drastically. We also don't own the Star Wars Series. no, we don't own anything. *both begin to cry uncontrollably. This goes on for a while and then they dry their tears.* Ok, so here we go.
Note: Here's some stuff that you would never see in the T.V. shows. A cut episode form Paramount's Cutting Room floor!! A once in a lifetime opportunity viewing! Well, reading, technically. Anyway.
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This story is brought to you buy the proud supporter of Star Trek: Voyager: The Delta Quadrant!! If you're going to get stranded in an uncharted part of the galaxy where tons of alien races are determined to hunt you down and obliviate you, do it right the first time!!
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Scene: Bridge. All of the regular Bridge staff is there. (B'Elanna and Vorik are in Engineering with the rest of the Engineering Crew.) Time: 1400 hours
*Fire from another ship hits Voyager. Tom, who was chatting with Harry about Captain Proton, spins to his console to evade the offending ship*
JANEWAY: *Stands up. * Report!!!
HARRY: *whines* They're firing on us! * Starts to cry like a little girl and yells* Mommmeeeeeeeeeeeee!
JANEWAY: Shut up, Harry! *Gives Harry the Patented Janeway Death Glare. Harry dies. Nameless Crewman Medic Guy F comes in for no reason, sees Harry and injects him with something. Harry gets back up and starts doing whatever it is he does. (Oh, come on, we all know that Harry is a completely pointless character. He's just there to look pretty.) Nameless Crewman Medic Guy F leaves without saying anything. * Tuvok, screw hailing 'em! Fire at will!!
TUVOK: *raises hands and throws head beck* MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! *Everyone stares at him, he abruptly stops MWAHAHAHA-ing, looks around, remembers that he's a Vulcan, lowers his hands, and starts pushing buttons* I am firing, Captain.
Scene change: Engineering. Vorik is running around the Warp Core screaming in panic. Everyone else is working hard. They are all in swimsuits.
VORIK: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (ect.)
B'ELANNA: Damn those aliens! They always interrupt our warp-core bathing! Vorik!! Ohmygod! Shut Up! *He doesn't. She clotheslines him the next time he comes around and breaks his nose. He starts to cry. She punches him again and he is knocked unconscious. Nameless Ensign #9 and Nameless Crewman P move him out of the way. B'Elanna gets a text message from the Bridge. Guess who its from?*
CONSOLE TEXT MESSAGE READS: Jeffries Tube 37 GAMMA. 1600 hours. Meet you there, sexy.
B'ELANNA: *thinks 'yeah me! Wahoo! Secret meeting with him! Yeah, make out session!!'*
Scene change: Bridge. On the view screen the crew watches the other ship explode into a zillion tiny pieces.
ALL accept TUVOK: YAY!!
TUVOK: The alien vessel has been destroyed.
ALL to TUVOK: Well, duh, you moron!
TOM: We could see that, you pointy-eared imbecile!
TUVOK: *tries to lunge at Tom from his console. But it's a long way. He ends up flat on his face and starts to cry. * Geez, you don't have to be mean! I'm just being Vulcan. It's what Vulcans do. We state the obvious.
CHAKOTAY: The very, very, very obvious. *this is his only line for the next couple scenes because we think he's an idiot.*
JANEWAY: GET UP, Tuvok, you loser! *He gets up and sniffles, wipes his nose, and returns to his console.*
Scene change: Jeffries Tube 37 GAMMA Time: 1600 hours and 5 seconds.
B'ELANNA: *about to open the door and enter Jeffries Tube 37 GAMMA. Door whooshes open, and its. VORIK!!!! No, no, not really, it's Tom.*
TOM: It's about time, your 6 seconds late.
B'ELANNA: I'll leave then.
TOM: Don't go, it's make-out session time. *they both cackle. Nameless Ensign #3 comes by and looks at them suspiciously. They glare at him and he runs away in fear. They both smile and B'Elanna enters the tube. Now we leave because this is a PG story.*
Scene Change: Bridge
JANEWAY: *lights go out* Who turned out the lights?
HARRY: There is a power shortage in Jeffries Tube 37 GAMMA.
JANEWAY: Check it out.
HARRY: Aye, Sir.
JANEWAY: Not crunch time.
HARRY: Yes, Captain, *leaves*
Scene Change: Jeffries Tube 37 GAMMA
HARRY: *Door whooshes open, he sees WAY more than he wants to.* MY EYES!!!! IT BURNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH GOD IT BURNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHAHAHHHHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH AAAAAHHHAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
B'ELANNA: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!
TOM: Oh, hi there Harry, *realizes what's going on* AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHAAAAHHHAHHAHAHHAAAAAAAHHHHHAAAHH!!
HARRY: MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAH
B'ELANNA: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAA
*After a good twenty minutes of screaming, Harry finally closes the door and tries to turn around but bumps into the wall. Tom and B'Elanna, fully dressed now, help him out, and to Sick Bay. Scene Change: Sick Bay. They find the Doctor dressed like a southern Gospel preacher. Somewhere an Organ is playing*
DOCTOR: *with a southern drawl* What seems to be the trouble, My child?
HARRY: I'M BLIND, IT BURNS, THAT'S THE PROBLEM. IT BURNS GOD IT BURNS!
DOCTOR: From the book of Exodus; 'God said to Moses "Thou shall NOT take my name in VAIN"' my child.
HARRY: THAT DOEN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT IT BURNS!!!!!!!
DOCTOR: It burns with all the powers of HELL, does it not?
TOM: *with a southern drawl* Can you SAVE him REVEREND? *B'Elanna starts to whack her head against the wall, thinking 'Tom is actully playing along'* SAVE him, SAVE him from the POWERS of EVIL. The LORD gave him sight, RETURN it to him. PA-LEASE! PA-LEASE!
DOCTOR: It's Hymn not him. *chuckles. When he realizes he's the only one laughing he stops and becomes somber again.* How DID he become without sight?
TOM: *regular voice. looks at B'Elanna* Well.yeah. eerrrrr. aa see. that's a funny story. UMM, B'Elanna?
B'ELANNA: We were, uh, saving the quadrant from the evil powers of extinction?
DOCTOR: You GOTTA say it with the DRAWL, my child!
B'ELANNA: Fine, fine, fine. *with drawl* We were SAVIN' the QUADRANT from the EVIL powers of EXSTINCTION!!!
DOCTOR: You two are not yet married! You now live in SIN!!! SIN, my child, SIN!!
YODA: Live in sin you do now, mmmmmmmmm.
DOCTOR: You are from the DEVIL!! LEAVE, little man!!
HARRY: MY EYES!!
TOM: What the hell are you doing here, Yoda? This is Star Trek, not Star Wars. Wrong Fanfiction story, dude. To get to the Star Wars fanfiction you gotta turn left at the TV shows to Movies and enter the 41st building. The one with a Lightsaber in the front window. You can't miss it. Or have you come to tell me I'm ready to be a Jedi??? Because that would be cool. I know I could do it Yoda!! I know I could learn to control the force!!
YODA: A Jedi, you are not. *shakes head solemnly* For the directions, thank you, I do, mmmmmmmmmm. *leaves, muttering, * Wondered why the Falcon looked odd, I did.
HARRY: MY EYES!
DOCTOR: Well, my son, *moves toward Harry with his fingers extended, then he bent them in and pushes his fingers out near Harry's eyes.* By the POWER vested in me by Louis Zimmerman *hand thing while saying heal* Hee-al HEAL Heeal *hand thing again*
HARRY: *with southern drawl* I CAN SEE!! I CAN SEE! IT'S A MIRICLE!
TOM: ALLELUIA ALLELUIA!!
B'ELANNA: *regular voice* Yay.
*from somewhere a full gospel coir starts singing "Rock, rock, rocka my soul, come on and rock, rock, rocka my soul, come on and.."*
Scene Change: Engineering. Vorik is fixing the plasma manifolds.
B'ELANNA: *enters Engineering, dressed in a full-fledged cheerleader uniform, colors Black and red. With pom poms and everything.* V-O R- I K! VORIK. Gimmie a V. *Silence. Looks around.* I said GIMMIE A V. *growls and shakes fist menacingly.*
ENGINEERING CREW: v
B'ELANNA: LOUDER, GIMMIE A V!
ENGINEERING CREW: V!
B'ELANNA: GIMMIE A O!
ENGINEERING CREW: O!
B'ELANNA: GIMMIE A R!
ENGINEERING CREW: R!
B'ELANNA: GIMMIE A I!
ENGINEERING CREW: I!
B'ELANNA: GIMMIE A K!
ENGINEERING CREW: K!
B'ELANNA: WHAT DOES THAT SPELL?
ENGINEERING CREW: VORIK!
VORIK: *now embarrassed, but B'Elanna did not stop there.*
B'ELANNA: VORIK VORIK HE'S OUR MAN, IF HE CAN'T FIX NO ONE CAN! GOOOOOOOOOOOOO VOOOOOORIK! *Then to many peoples surprise B'Elanna does a toe touch and lands in the splits. Everyone's mouth hangs open.*
Scene change: Holo-deck The next thing they new, Vorik is in a football uniform, they are on the holo-deck playing football against a holo-team. The football players are Chakotay, Tuvok, Tom, Joe Carry, Harry, Ensign Vorik, Ensign Eiala, Crewman Hargrove, Crewman Chell, Crewman Garen, and Icheb. The Cheerleaders are Janeway, B'Elanna, Samantha Wildmen, Naomi Wildmen, Susan Nicoletti, Seven of Nine, and Neelix. (He's too woosy to be a football player.) The Referee is the Doctor.
TUVOK: DOWN, SET, BLACK 42, BLACK 42, HUT HUT, HIKE. *Tuvok gets passed the ball, he goes into the pocket, sees Tom open and throws a beautiful pass, the cheerleaders 'oooooo' and 'aaaaaaa', Tom catches it and moon walks into the end zone. Tom throws down the ball and starts to dance, then he and tackled by a holoplayer. The cheerleaders go wild. Janeway starts a cheer, and the crew who are not playing reply enthusiastically. When Tom finally gets up, B'Elanna runs over*
HOLO-ANOUNCER: What a wonderful play. That was Tuvok to Paris for the touchdown for the Voyager Voyagers. Go Black and Red!
B'ELANNA: Idn' it fun?
TOM: *strained* OH, yeah.
B'ELANNA: *runs to do a stunt with the other cheerleaders, Tom is tackled again, but by Harry and Icheb.* Rah, Rah Ree, kick 'em in the knee. Rah Rah Ras, kick 'em in the. other knee. *the others join in*
* Chakotay runs to kick ball for extra point. Icheb, who is holding the ball, pulls it away just in time for Chakotay to miss the kick and fall flat on his back. Icheb runs for the extra two points and gets them. The crowd and the cheerleaders go wild.*
ICHEB: BOOYAH!!
CHAKOTAY: OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!
DOCTOR: *does hand thing* HEAL!! HE-AL!!
CHAKOTAY: I'm better, YAY!!
EVERYONE ELSE: *groans * Damn it!!
CHAKOTAY: HEY!!
JANEWAY: Sorry, Chakotay, but we've decided that you're an imbecile. We think we're going to kick you off at the nearest habitable planet.
CHAKOTAY: But, but, but, but, but.
JANEWAY: WHAT!?
CHAKOTAY: Actually, that's all I have..
JANEWAY: OK then. Tuvok, find the nearest habitable planet and leave him there with enough food for a month.
TUVOK: *raises hands and throws head back and nearly MWAHA's again, but stops in time to realize everyone is watching him.* My pleasure, Captain. *they start to leave*
JOE CARREY: What about our football game? We need them!
JANEWAY: Fine, fine, fine!! He can stay 'til the end of the game!!
CHAKOTAY: At least I have time to think of a good reason to make her let me stay.
*the game continues. The Voyager Voyagers win by an incredibly large amount. This, however, makes sense, considering the holoplayers were programmed to be horrible. And not just a little horrible. Very, very, very, very, extremely, unbelievableably, amazingly, more than humanly possibly, excruciatingly horrible. So horrible that it makes you want to cry. That's how bad they were.*
CHAKOTAY: I'VE GOT IT!!!!!! YOU NEED MY INATE SPIRITUAL GIUDEANCE!!
SEVEN: That is incorrect. I have run a simulation. It is inefficient to have you here. You must comply to leave because you are an insufficient First Officer as you constantly suck up to Captain Janeway, and Commander Tuvok gives sufficient spiritual guidance. You are an inefficient waste of resources such as replicator rations, a room, food, oxygen.
CHAKOTAY: *hangs head* I know. I'm worthless. Here, kick me off, I don't deserve to live among people as great as Captain Janeway, Commander Tuvok, Ensign Kim, Lieutenant Torres, Lieutenant Paris, a molecule of dust.
TOM: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I'm better than you! Nanny nanny boo boo!!
JANEWAY: Tom, that's enough. Tuvok, escort Chakotay out. *the two men leave, Chakotay weeping like the little girl that he is and Tuvok smiling evilly, though no one can see it.* Everyone, we may now share an evil laugh. On three. One, two, three.
ALL: WMAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! *but wait, their not done yet!* MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! *no, still more.* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! *wait, I think they're done. Oh, no, still going* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! *ok, I looked at the logs, they keep going for quite some time, so we'll leave here. Here's what happened next.*
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And so, Chakotay left the ship because everyone hated him. He went to a planet nearly as boring as he is. Three months later the Borg assimilated him. The next time Voyager heard from him he said "We are the Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile." They annilated him with great pleasure.
Janeway screamed "DIE, CHAKOTAY!!"
Tom said, over the COM "On three! One, two three!"
The sound echoed through space: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
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We are not giving out our names for one simple reason. We broke into Paramount and stole these deleted scenes. You, the Voyager public, deserve to know what REALLY happened. They cut this show because they knew that ratings would plummet if Chakotay was killed off. He was originally supposed to die in the first season, but, for some reason, people liked him. We now invite you to laugh evilly with us. On three! One, two, three!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Oh, by the way. We are the Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. *some nameless reader screams and hides under her bed.*
No, no, not really. We didn't sneak into Paramount. This isn't from the Cutting Room floor. We made it up. We also aren't the Borg. *fore- mentioned reader sighs with relief* or are we? DUN, DUN, DUUUUN!! *reader looks around worriedly and whimpers with fright. That night she sleeps with lights on.*
THE END. for now. Stay tuned for more off the Cutting Room floor.
BY: LANNAWANNABE and DJ_KK_LK_41 Ok, it's under Lannawannabe outside, but it's really by both of us. just ignore that it only has one author.
Disclaimer: We do not own Voyager. We know it. Our agent told us yesterday, it was a major letdown! We were in total shock. Then he told us that we just take the characters and change them drastically. We also don't own the Star Wars Series. no, we don't own anything. *both begin to cry uncontrollably. This goes on for a while and then they dry their tears.* Ok, so here we go.
Note: Here's some stuff that you would never see in the T.V. shows. A cut episode form Paramount's Cutting Room floor!! A once in a lifetime opportunity viewing! Well, reading, technically. Anyway.
+++
This story is brought to you buy the proud supporter of Star Trek: Voyager: The Delta Quadrant!! If you're going to get stranded in an uncharted part of the galaxy where tons of alien races are determined to hunt you down and obliviate you, do it right the first time!!
++++
Scene: Bridge. All of the regular Bridge staff is there. (B'Elanna and Vorik are in Engineering with the rest of the Engineering Crew.) Time: 1400 hours
*Fire from another ship hits Voyager. Tom, who was chatting with Harry about Captain Proton, spins to his console to evade the offending ship*
JANEWAY: *Stands up. * Report!!!
HARRY: *whines* They're firing on us! * Starts to cry like a little girl and yells* Mommmeeeeeeeeeeeee!
JANEWAY: Shut up, Harry! *Gives Harry the Patented Janeway Death Glare. Harry dies. Nameless Crewman Medic Guy F comes in for no reason, sees Harry and injects him with something. Harry gets back up and starts doing whatever it is he does. (Oh, come on, we all know that Harry is a completely pointless character. He's just there to look pretty.) Nameless Crewman Medic Guy F leaves without saying anything. * Tuvok, screw hailing 'em! Fire at will!!
TUVOK: *raises hands and throws head beck* MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! *Everyone stares at him, he abruptly stops MWAHAHAHA-ing, looks around, remembers that he's a Vulcan, lowers his hands, and starts pushing buttons* I am firing, Captain.
Scene change: Engineering. Vorik is running around the Warp Core screaming in panic. Everyone else is working hard. They are all in swimsuits.
VORIK: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (ect.)
B'ELANNA: Damn those aliens! They always interrupt our warp-core bathing! Vorik!! Ohmygod! Shut Up! *He doesn't. She clotheslines him the next time he comes around and breaks his nose. He starts to cry. She punches him again and he is knocked unconscious. Nameless Ensign #9 and Nameless Crewman P move him out of the way. B'Elanna gets a text message from the Bridge. Guess who its from?*
CONSOLE TEXT MESSAGE READS: Jeffries Tube 37 GAMMA. 1600 hours. Meet you there, sexy.
B'ELANNA: *thinks 'yeah me! Wahoo! Secret meeting with him! Yeah, make out session!!'*
Scene change: Bridge. On the view screen the crew watches the other ship explode into a zillion tiny pieces.
ALL accept TUVOK: YAY!!
TUVOK: The alien vessel has been destroyed.
ALL to TUVOK: Well, duh, you moron!
TOM: We could see that, you pointy-eared imbecile!
TUVOK: *tries to lunge at Tom from his console. But it's a long way. He ends up flat on his face and starts to cry. * Geez, you don't have to be mean! I'm just being Vulcan. It's what Vulcans do. We state the obvious.
CHAKOTAY: The very, very, very obvious. *this is his only line for the next couple scenes because we think he's an idiot.*
JANEWAY: GET UP, Tuvok, you loser! *He gets up and sniffles, wipes his nose, and returns to his console.*
Scene change: Jeffries Tube 37 GAMMA Time: 1600 hours and 5 seconds.
B'ELANNA: *about to open the door and enter Jeffries Tube 37 GAMMA. Door whooshes open, and its. VORIK!!!! No, no, not really, it's Tom.*
TOM: It's about time, your 6 seconds late.
B'ELANNA: I'll leave then.
TOM: Don't go, it's make-out session time. *they both cackle. Nameless Ensign #3 comes by and looks at them suspiciously. They glare at him and he runs away in fear. They both smile and B'Elanna enters the tube. Now we leave because this is a PG story.*
Scene Change: Bridge
JANEWAY: *lights go out* Who turned out the lights?
HARRY: There is a power shortage in Jeffries Tube 37 GAMMA.
JANEWAY: Check it out.
HARRY: Aye, Sir.
JANEWAY: Not crunch time.
HARRY: Yes, Captain, *leaves*
Scene Change: Jeffries Tube 37 GAMMA
HARRY: *Door whooshes open, he sees WAY more than he wants to.* MY EYES!!!! IT BURNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH GOD IT BURNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHAHAHHHHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH AAAAAHHHAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
B'ELANNA: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!
TOM: Oh, hi there Harry, *realizes what's going on* AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHAAAAHHHAHHAHAHHAAAAAAAHHHHHAAAHH!!
HARRY: MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAH
B'ELANNA: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAA
*After a good twenty minutes of screaming, Harry finally closes the door and tries to turn around but bumps into the wall. Tom and B'Elanna, fully dressed now, help him out, and to Sick Bay. Scene Change: Sick Bay. They find the Doctor dressed like a southern Gospel preacher. Somewhere an Organ is playing*
DOCTOR: *with a southern drawl* What seems to be the trouble, My child?
HARRY: I'M BLIND, IT BURNS, THAT'S THE PROBLEM. IT BURNS GOD IT BURNS!
DOCTOR: From the book of Exodus; 'God said to Moses "Thou shall NOT take my name in VAIN"' my child.
HARRY: THAT DOEN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT IT BURNS!!!!!!!
DOCTOR: It burns with all the powers of HELL, does it not?
TOM: *with a southern drawl* Can you SAVE him REVEREND? *B'Elanna starts to whack her head against the wall, thinking 'Tom is actully playing along'* SAVE him, SAVE him from the POWERS of EVIL. The LORD gave him sight, RETURN it to him. PA-LEASE! PA-LEASE!
DOCTOR: It's Hymn not him. *chuckles. When he realizes he's the only one laughing he stops and becomes somber again.* How DID he become without sight?
TOM: *regular voice. looks at B'Elanna* Well.yeah. eerrrrr. aa see. that's a funny story. UMM, B'Elanna?
B'ELANNA: We were, uh, saving the quadrant from the evil powers of extinction?
DOCTOR: You GOTTA say it with the DRAWL, my child!
B'ELANNA: Fine, fine, fine. *with drawl* We were SAVIN' the QUADRANT from the EVIL powers of EXSTINCTION!!!
DOCTOR: You two are not yet married! You now live in SIN!!! SIN, my child, SIN!!
YODA: Live in sin you do now, mmmmmmmmm.
DOCTOR: You are from the DEVIL!! LEAVE, little man!!
HARRY: MY EYES!!
TOM: What the hell are you doing here, Yoda? This is Star Trek, not Star Wars. Wrong Fanfiction story, dude. To get to the Star Wars fanfiction you gotta turn left at the TV shows to Movies and enter the 41st building. The one with a Lightsaber in the front window. You can't miss it. Or have you come to tell me I'm ready to be a Jedi??? Because that would be cool. I know I could do it Yoda!! I know I could learn to control the force!!
YODA: A Jedi, you are not. *shakes head solemnly* For the directions, thank you, I do, mmmmmmmmmm. *leaves, muttering, * Wondered why the Falcon looked odd, I did.
HARRY: MY EYES!
DOCTOR: Well, my son, *moves toward Harry with his fingers extended, then he bent them in and pushes his fingers out near Harry's eyes.* By the POWER vested in me by Louis Zimmerman *hand thing while saying heal* Hee-al HEAL Heeal *hand thing again*
HARRY: *with southern drawl* I CAN SEE!! I CAN SEE! IT'S A MIRICLE!
TOM: ALLELUIA ALLELUIA!!
B'ELANNA: *regular voice* Yay.
*from somewhere a full gospel coir starts singing "Rock, rock, rocka my soul, come on and rock, rock, rocka my soul, come on and.."*
Scene Change: Engineering. Vorik is fixing the plasma manifolds.
B'ELANNA: *enters Engineering, dressed in a full-fledged cheerleader uniform, colors Black and red. With pom poms and everything.* V-O R- I K! VORIK. Gimmie a V. *Silence. Looks around.* I said GIMMIE A V. *growls and shakes fist menacingly.*
ENGINEERING CREW: v
B'ELANNA: LOUDER, GIMMIE A V!
ENGINEERING CREW: V!
B'ELANNA: GIMMIE A O!
ENGINEERING CREW: O!
B'ELANNA: GIMMIE A R!
ENGINEERING CREW: R!
B'ELANNA: GIMMIE A I!
ENGINEERING CREW: I!
B'ELANNA: GIMMIE A K!
ENGINEERING CREW: K!
B'ELANNA: WHAT DOES THAT SPELL?
ENGINEERING CREW: VORIK!
VORIK: *now embarrassed, but B'Elanna did not stop there.*
B'ELANNA: VORIK VORIK HE'S OUR MAN, IF HE CAN'T FIX NO ONE CAN! GOOOOOOOOOOOOO VOOOOOORIK! *Then to many peoples surprise B'Elanna does a toe touch and lands in the splits. Everyone's mouth hangs open.*
Scene change: Holo-deck The next thing they new, Vorik is in a football uniform, they are on the holo-deck playing football against a holo-team. The football players are Chakotay, Tuvok, Tom, Joe Carry, Harry, Ensign Vorik, Ensign Eiala, Crewman Hargrove, Crewman Chell, Crewman Garen, and Icheb. The Cheerleaders are Janeway, B'Elanna, Samantha Wildmen, Naomi Wildmen, Susan Nicoletti, Seven of Nine, and Neelix. (He's too woosy to be a football player.) The Referee is the Doctor.
TUVOK: DOWN, SET, BLACK 42, BLACK 42, HUT HUT, HIKE. *Tuvok gets passed the ball, he goes into the pocket, sees Tom open and throws a beautiful pass, the cheerleaders 'oooooo' and 'aaaaaaa', Tom catches it and moon walks into the end zone. Tom throws down the ball and starts to dance, then he and tackled by a holoplayer. The cheerleaders go wild. Janeway starts a cheer, and the crew who are not playing reply enthusiastically. When Tom finally gets up, B'Elanna runs over*
HOLO-ANOUNCER: What a wonderful play. That was Tuvok to Paris for the touchdown for the Voyager Voyagers. Go Black and Red!
B'ELANNA: Idn' it fun?
TOM: *strained* OH, yeah.
B'ELANNA: *runs to do a stunt with the other cheerleaders, Tom is tackled again, but by Harry and Icheb.* Rah, Rah Ree, kick 'em in the knee. Rah Rah Ras, kick 'em in the. other knee. *the others join in*
* Chakotay runs to kick ball for extra point. Icheb, who is holding the ball, pulls it away just in time for Chakotay to miss the kick and fall flat on his back. Icheb runs for the extra two points and gets them. The crowd and the cheerleaders go wild.*
ICHEB: BOOYAH!!
CHAKOTAY: OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!
DOCTOR: *does hand thing* HEAL!! HE-AL!!
CHAKOTAY: I'm better, YAY!!
EVERYONE ELSE: *groans * Damn it!!
CHAKOTAY: HEY!!
JANEWAY: Sorry, Chakotay, but we've decided that you're an imbecile. We think we're going to kick you off at the nearest habitable planet.
CHAKOTAY: But, but, but, but, but.
JANEWAY: WHAT!?
CHAKOTAY: Actually, that's all I have..
JANEWAY: OK then. Tuvok, find the nearest habitable planet and leave him there with enough food for a month.
TUVOK: *raises hands and throws head back and nearly MWAHA's again, but stops in time to realize everyone is watching him.* My pleasure, Captain. *they start to leave*
JOE CARREY: What about our football game? We need them!
JANEWAY: Fine, fine, fine!! He can stay 'til the end of the game!!
CHAKOTAY: At least I have time to think of a good reason to make her let me stay.
*the game continues. The Voyager Voyagers win by an incredibly large amount. This, however, makes sense, considering the holoplayers were programmed to be horrible. And not just a little horrible. Very, very, very, very, extremely, unbelievableably, amazingly, more than humanly possibly, excruciatingly horrible. So horrible that it makes you want to cry. That's how bad they were.*
CHAKOTAY: I'VE GOT IT!!!!!! YOU NEED MY INATE SPIRITUAL GIUDEANCE!!
SEVEN: That is incorrect. I have run a simulation. It is inefficient to have you here. You must comply to leave because you are an insufficient First Officer as you constantly suck up to Captain Janeway, and Commander Tuvok gives sufficient spiritual guidance. You are an inefficient waste of resources such as replicator rations, a room, food, oxygen.
CHAKOTAY: *hangs head* I know. I'm worthless. Here, kick me off, I don't deserve to live among people as great as Captain Janeway, Commander Tuvok, Ensign Kim, Lieutenant Torres, Lieutenant Paris, a molecule of dust.
TOM: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I'm better than you! Nanny nanny boo boo!!
JANEWAY: Tom, that's enough. Tuvok, escort Chakotay out. *the two men leave, Chakotay weeping like the little girl that he is and Tuvok smiling evilly, though no one can see it.* Everyone, we may now share an evil laugh. On three. One, two, three.
ALL: WMAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! *but wait, their not done yet!* MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! *no, still more.* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! *wait, I think they're done. Oh, no, still going* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! *ok, I looked at the logs, they keep going for quite some time, so we'll leave here. Here's what happened next.*
+++
And so, Chakotay left the ship because everyone hated him. He went to a planet nearly as boring as he is. Three months later the Borg assimilated him. The next time Voyager heard from him he said "We are the Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile." They annilated him with great pleasure.
Janeway screamed "DIE, CHAKOTAY!!"
Tom said, over the COM "On three! One, two three!"
The sound echoed through space: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
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We are not giving out our names for one simple reason. We broke into Paramount and stole these deleted scenes. You, the Voyager public, deserve to know what REALLY happened. They cut this show because they knew that ratings would plummet if Chakotay was killed off. He was originally supposed to die in the first season, but, for some reason, people liked him. We now invite you to laugh evilly with us. On three! One, two, three!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Oh, by the way. We are the Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. *some nameless reader screams and hides under her bed.*
No, no, not really. We didn't sneak into Paramount. This isn't from the Cutting Room floor. We made it up. We also aren't the Borg. *fore- mentioned reader sighs with relief* or are we? DUN, DUN, DUUUUN!! *reader looks around worriedly and whimpers with fright. That night she sleeps with lights on.*
THE END. for now. Stay tuned for more off the Cutting Room floor.