The essence of every Mary-Sue you've ever read packaged into a single Fanfiction…oh. My. Gosh.
Author's Note: Ahhh! Dear God, the Mary-Sues have infiltrated Hogwarts! Heaven forbid this disastrous occurrence! But really, don't you just HATE it when idiotic 'authors' destroy a good story or a good plot by mindlessly putting in a Mary-Sue? Well, this is just a huge parody of all these incidents…and don't forget to review, I always need reviews!
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Disclaimer: I do not own anything written by J.K. Rowling, despite how I may beg and wish…
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A new year at Hogwarts had begun, and absolutely nothing interesting happened, because the radiant new transfer student hadn't arrived yet. In November, the unsuspecting mass of young witches and wizards were all seated at their candlelit house tables when a cold gust of wind blew through the hall and all the candles went out. A shimmering silver cape curled around the floor as the most enchanting, beautiful girl glided over the floor, leaving glitter on the ground she walked on. Her hair was long, mocha- sienna brown and perfectly wavy. The ends of it graced her slender hips with a smile. All the attractive male Gryffindor students were instantly drawn to her perfectly sloped jewel-like pale eyes with lashes like silk. Her skin was creamy and firm like porcelain at the same time, a difficult feat to pull off for 99.99999% of the human race. All of the non attractive males from all four houses were simply staring at her perfect tall, slender figure and her well rounded, perky bosom.
"Ah! Narylelia! You have arrived at last!" exclaimed professor Dumbledore, "our school has been so empty without you and your brilliant, beautiful, brave, breasty, bodacious, bright and all the other b-words that describe you presence! "
Just then Hermione mumbled under her breath, "try a b-word ending in '-itch'. I wish I could be just like her, she's so perfect."
"I have come to fix all the problems of the school, save the protagonist's life, be terribly injured and in need of mouth to mouth resuscitation, and fall in love with the handsome devil who I vowed to never fall for. That's about all I'm good for, right, professor Dumbledore? Because I am also so humble that I wouldn't dare admit that I think I'm the best person in this hall. Oops! Did I just say that out loud?" said Narylelia in a repulsively 'blonde' voice.
"Why yes, Narylelia! You are so smart and perfect, and don't worry about being the best person here, everyone will automatically like you because you're beautiful and you have big—" Dumbledore stopped short when he realized that McGonagall was staring at him with a hurt look in her beautiful eyes. He quickly rushed over to Minerva's side to deliver a firm kiss on her saggy, thin lips so as to alleviate any further romantic tension that may occur later on in the thickening plot. The entire hall applauded and said a unanimous "Awww….!" As their teachers were enveloped in a moment of passion. At that moment Fred burst out saying "I hope they don't make any wizard-lings any time soon!" and George continued, saying "yes, a mini-McGonagall and a dinky-Dumbledore! How perfectly, disgustingly cute!" and the hall burst into giggling and sighing. Even Malfoy had to give a little snigger at the thought of his teachers without any clothes on. 'Or even better, the new, faultless transfer student without any clothes on. She must be part Veela or something, because I can feel my hormones going out of control!' Suddenly, as everything was at the most placid, most innocent, most unsuspicious moment, Voldemort burst into the hall the same way, almost gliding, except his cape was as black as a midnight sky, and twice as cold and evil. He swiftly moved towards Narylelia and gravely injured her, much to her delight and the attractive (and also the unattractive) male students' panic. Fred, George, Harry, Malfoy, Oliver, Seamus, Ron, Percy, Cedric and Neville all rushed and stumbled over each other to come to Narylelia's aid. But of course, only the most dashing, the most handsome, the most chivalrous wizard (you choose which one according to your preferences) made it to her side in time before her life slipped away. As the young male held Narylelia in his arms, he could hear her chiming heart practically beating out of her chest in pure lust and passion. As the male supplied the passionate, love-filled breath and kiss of life to her lips, she instantly stopped faking her death and kissed him back.
Then Narylelia rose from her new lover's side and slew Voldemort as the rest of the students rejoiced. She then moved over to her new-found lover-boy and planted a really wet, gentle kiss on his lips. And the two went out for the rest of eternity, because their hearts were bound with ties that nothing could break, ties that would linger for an eternity and a half without weakness, ties that would be the only thing keeping these poor pathetic souls alive. Finally, they both died at the same moment, because their lives had simply been too dramatic and perfect and it got so monotonously boring that they actually died of boredom. Even in death, Narylelia still was a vision of beauty. All the world came to her funeral, and mourned the loss of the perfect person, only to come back in the form of a Mary-Sue character in further fictions to come.
THE END
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A.N. well, I hope you all enjoyed this little ditty…and please, leave a REVIEW if you chuckled even a little bit. Or if you hated it, please let me know what I can fix! Thank you ALL!