A/N: If you know me at all, you know my three main obsessions in this fandom are Erica/Lisa, Erica/Hobbes, and heisting. That being said, this is LornaCat back on some fine, fine crack. If you liked the dream sequences in Hobbes' New Hope and The Visitors Strike Back, you are sure to love my latest adventure in V comedy...
Summary: Erica, Kyle and Ryan love to steal. And then they meet Lisa, and they love her too.
Rated M for muahahaha. sex & language tambien
Pairings: Erica/Lisa, Erica/Hobbes/Lisa...past Erica/Ryan that may become future, WHO KNOWS. Anything goes. And I always try to end with a BANG, hahaha! *disappears in puff of smoke*
Thieving
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Once upon a time there were two amazingly beautiful human beings and one amazingly beautiful alien who happened to be masters in the art of thieving. Their names were Erica, Kyle and Ryan. Those names all sound a bit similar, don't they? It's because they are all equally hawt, my friends. That is correct.
So they really liked stealing things, not to hurt anybody - no, they didn't cause any pain, unless someone got in their way. Anyone that got in their way deserved to be hurt. I mean, if you see any of the three of them coming at you, do you have any other option than to fall to your knees and pray that they throw a passing glance your way? No, you do not. So getting in their way is sacrilege, and anyone that did it got a good knock to the head via Kyle's flying fists - but to earn monies for the crazy parties that they threw at the end of every heist. (Yes everything between the dashes was an aside, go back and read the first part of the paragraph if that last sentence didn't make sense.)
ANNNYhoo, where was I...ah yes, after every heist they would throw an awesome party that only the three of them were invited to.
Only the three of them.
That is, until they met...Lisa.
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"I want the Monet." Kyle whispered.
"You're such a dork." Erica whispered back, shaking her head as she smiled.
"Why?" Kyle asked her defensively. "Because I happen to be a fan of beautiful art?"
"You only want the Monet because we just watched The Thomas Crown Affair remake!"
"Which. Was. Awesommme." Kyle sang back, still whispering.
"Yeah, it kinda was." said Erica, stifling a sheepish chuckle. "Pierce Brosnan was really hot."
"HEL-lo. Not to mention Rene Russo."
"Hnng, the two of them together?"
"On the stairs? On the desk?"
Erica smiled to herself. She didn't notice Kyle leaning towards her, closing his eyes, thinking it was finally his moment. Suddenly they heard the door behind them open, and Erica turned to look, still oblivious to Kyle's near-kiss.
"Ryan!" she whispered.
Ryan furrowed his brow as he looked down at Erica and Kyle. They were crouched next to the titanium bars that protected the museum's rarest, most expensive art work from thieves just like them.
"Why are you two huddling?" he asked in a normal voice. "This place is empty and we knocked out all the guards."
"Well, I-"
"Oh, you know-"
Erica and Kyle both began stammering at once. Ryan raised his eyebrows, waiting for one of them to make some sense. They both just really loved to huddle.
"Get up, both of you." said Ryan. "The locks are disengaged, we should be able to lift the gate up now."
OH, see that's the problem with using silly human technology to protect your ART, Mr. Museum. 'Cause this team of expert thieves has something you didn't anticipate - Visitor technology! That's right, Ryan's got the hook up, and while Erica and Kyle spend quality time huddling and discussing the movies they totally sit and watch together, Ryan goes to fuck up all the magnets in the place with some sort of...machine thingy that you couldn't possibly understand so I'll skip that part (it's boring anyway, chyah, whatever).
OK, so what was I saying...ah yes, Erica and Kyle stood up, shrugging and curling their lips into smirks to show how small a deal it was that they'd been crouching and whispering to one another when they didn't have to. Without looking at the gate, Kyle wrapped his hand around one of the bars and pulled up. It was heavy, but one of Kyle's arms could pull a Toyota pick-up truck that has its brake pedal to the metal if he wanted to, so it was no bigs. The gate lifted silently, drifting into the ceiling until it was gone.
"Woooo!" Ryan shouted, rubbing his hands together because he was the black one. "Let's steal some paintings!"
Erica and Kyle raced over to the Monet, violently elbowing each other out of the way so they could be the first to snatch it from the wall.
"Please!" Kyle begged Erica angrily. "You got to press the detonator on the last job!"
"Stop whining, I-!" Erica's retort was cut off abruptly as she grabbed her own chest. "OW, Kyle! You elbowed me right in the boob!"
Kyle stopped what he was doing, snorting as he stifled his laughter. "Sorry!" he said earnestly, even though he was biting his lip to keep from laughing. "Sorry, I didn't mean to-"
Erica then used both hands to shove an unsuspecting Kyle away from the Monet, making him take a few steps back before he lost his footing on the slippery, shiny black linoleum of the museum floor. He fell on his ass, catching himself on his innocent elbows, and watched Erica take the Monet from the wall and slip it into her goody bag. She chuckled quite evilly as she did so, and looked down at the shocked Kyle on the floor next to her.
"Better luck next time, loser." she said.
"You're not going to get a next time, Evans." said Kyle, giving her intense sex eyes that she missed because she was trying to get the Monet in the bag just right.
"Back to last names now, are we?" Ryan commented from the sidelines. He was perusing the opposite wall. He could only fit three paintings in his magical bendy suitcase the somehow folds paintings without having to crack the frame (AHEM), and he wanted them to be the three BEST paintings he could find. "Ooh, I like this one." Ryan murmured to himself. Erica glanced over, doing a double take when she saw what Ryan was trying to take off the wall.
"Ryan." she said quietly. Kyle was off at the other end of the room, rubbing his sore ass and pretending not to care that Erica totally dissed him. "Ryan." she said again.
"Hmmwhat?" said Ryan, keeping his hands on the handsome work of art as he looked over his shoulder at Erica.
"That's the fire exit map." she said, without any hint of derision or mockery. She smiled cutely at his confused facial expression. He turned back to the map, and slowly took his hands away.
"Oh." he said, disappointed. He looked at it a few moments more, and decided with a shrug that he could still take it anyway. "Souvenir!" he said happily to Erica. Erica's happy smile widened at his plucky conclusion, and went back to hoisting her next heisting victim from the wall. To her right she heard a loud cracking and ripping sound, and she looked over to see Kyle with a torn painting over his knee.
"It was ugly." he said gruffly, tossing the destroyed artwork on the floor. Erica tilted her head, scolding him with a look.
"Kyyyle."
"Ericaaa." Kyle mocked her.
"You can have the Moneeet."
"Don't wannit."
"Yes you dooo."
"No, I don't."
"Yes you doooooo."
"No. I don't."
"Yes you doooooooooooo-"
"Excuse me!" a third voice joined their latest argument, and it was not Ryan's. Erica, Ryan and Kyle all turned to see its source, standing in the hallway just beyond the point a barred titanium gate should have been. If Kyle's brain were a computer, his digital readout would have looked a little something like this:
Species: Visitor in human disguise
Gender: sexy young female thing
Hair/Eyes: blonde/blue
Status: hot as hell
Clothing: too much
Threat Level: minimal
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" the beautiful docent asked. Her perfect eyebrows were furrowed, her expression offended, her posture one of regal responsibility. She was queen of night shift security, and she did not understand how three art thieves had slipped into the museum's most important room right under her cute little button nose without even tripping an alarm.
"We're stealing your paintings, sweetheart." Kyle said casually. He glanced down at the one he'd just destroyed. "The ones we like, anyway."
"Just go back to the break room," said Ryan, in the same condescending tone. "And forget you saw us."
"I've already called the police." she said defiantly. She was trying to sound confident, but seeing how the three of them reacted to her presence - passive curiosity, sexual attraction at best - she'd realized they were more powerful than she first assumed. She was in over her head, and she knew she should have waited for the police to arrive before confronting them alone.
"Now why did you have to go and do a thing like that?" Kyle asked, taking a few steps toward her. His sinister smirk made Lisa take a few steps back, and she glanced worriedly at the quiet woman behind him.
"Kyle, wait." Erica said calmly. "I can handle this."
"With naked mud-wrestling, I hope." said Kyle. Ryan nodded emphatically.
"Maybe." Erica said. "I mean," she added quickly, since she hadn't meant to say that out loud. "Ah, just hold on." She walked over to Lisa, who braced herself for violence. Erica smiled, amused by Lisa's fright. "I'm not going to hurt you, I promise."
Lisa visibly relaxed, letting out the breath she'd been holding.
"We'd really appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone we were here." said Erica.
"But I called the police," Lisa said haltingly, distracted by Erica's hand tucking Lisa's hair behind her ear. "They're on their way, I told them...you were...here..."
"You look really cute in this jacket." said Erica, touching the lapel of Lisa's red blazer. "I mean, the jacket could look really frumpy but you make it work."
"Really?" Lisa said, smiling hopefully.
Erica nodded and smiled. "Mmhm, definitely."
"How does she do that?" Ryan whispered to Kyle. They were watching with wide eyes as Erica leaned in to kiss Lisa on the cheek. Lisa giggled, looking down sheepishly at her shoes. Erica put her finger underneath Lisa's chin, raising her face so she could kiss her lips.
Lisa looked surprised by Erica's sudden peck. Surprised...THAT SHE LIKED IT SO MUCH. When Erica leaned in again, Lisa closed her eyes and tilted her head up toward her.
"Damn." said Ryan, impressed as always. "Seriously, how does she do that?"
Kyle didn't answer. Ryan turned his head to look at Kyle, who was staring open mouthed as if his brain could only perform one function at a time. Heisting, being a smart ass, or watching two women make out. Those were his choices. And when it came to the last one, there was really no choice to be made.
Erica smiled and opened her eyes as she finished kissing Lisa. Lisa's lips were very sweet. The younger, shorter girl still had her eyes closed and her lips pursed.
"So, what do you say?" Erica asked her. Lisa blinked her eyes open, blinking a few more times as she realized Erica's lips were not still on her own. "Ya wanna party?"
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At the 'pad', their great big mansion in the middle of Awesometown (population...4?), Erica mixed some margaritas while Kyle got the hot tub started and Ryan picked out some music. Lisa wandered around the first floor, through the living room and dining room and rec room and champagne room until she got back to the kitchen where Erica stood at the counter with her blender. She was blending ice, ice which struggled to remain ice in her presence. I mean ee-yowza. But anyway, Lisa wandered in lookin' all amazed n' shit, and Erica smiled at her.
"You like our place?" asked Erica.
"I love it." Lisa gushed, grinning at the sheer luxury. The three thieves were still in their heisting outfits - black on black on black, not counting the gorgeous Ryan himself - he's an extra black - because he's black - but Lisa was still in her docent uniform. Erica noticed this, and offered her a change of clothes.
"We're all getting in the hot tub." said Erica. "Why don't you pick out a bikini from my closet?"
"Oh," Lisa chuckled sheepishly. "I don't know if I'd, um, fill out your bikinis, Erica."
"Thanks for noticing." said Erica, quite pleased indeeeed. "But I have bikinis in all sizes. We bring a lot of...guests, here." she explained. Her gaze wandered to a point beyond the room, wistful as she remembered all the guests they'd shared. I mean, that they shared their home with. Ahem. Erica shook her head and snapped out of it. "What's your favorite color?"
"For bikinis?" Lisa asked excitedly. Erica nodded enthusiastically. "I like blue and white, with anchors!"
"Oh my god I have like, ten of those. Here, I'll show you."
Erica took Lisa by the hand and led her out of the kitchen, into the living room, toward the stairs to the second floor. Lisa looked over to see Ryan next to the stereo with his hands up, Kyle pointing a gun right at his forehead.
"I said no Men At Work."
Lisa looked worriedly to Erica, but Erica didn't seem to notice, or to be concerned at all. They walked up the stairs; they were kind of like those Brady Bunch stairs but like, fancy and contemporary and stuff. Open to the room. Wide. Hardwood. Moving on.
"That's Ryan's room..."
Lisa peeked in. There was a signed photo on his bedside table of a girl named Valerie, who Lisa recognized as the star of the popular reality show "An Alien Got Me Pregnant: And I'm Keeping My Baby."
"That's Kyle's room..."
Lisa peeked again. All she could see was a light up wall of weapons; firearms, knives, hand held explosives...
"And this..." said Erica, her voice magical and proud as she led her into the master bedroom. "Is mine."
"Wow." Lisa breathed. IT WAS AWESOME. Just imagine the most awesome, hawt, sexy bedroom in the history of bedrooms and that was it. Furnishing in shapes and colors that would just make you want to have sex no matter what was going on around you, and also an action figure of your favorite cartoon hero sitting on the dresser to make you go awww as well as mnnfff.
"Chansey!" Lisa squeaked, running over to Erica's dresser to pick up the plush toy and hug it.
"The closet is over there." Erica said, casually picking up a remote and pointing it at a humongous set of doors on the far wall. The doors slid open to reveal a seemingly endless rotating rack of clothing. "There's a digital guide, if you want to search by color or by item. Ummm...here, let's just set it to bikinis..."
Lisa put down the Pokémon, and walked over to the closet. The computer sorted the clothes and brought all the swimsuits to the front of the line. She instantly fell in love with the first one she saw, a string bikini striped in blue and white, with a red anchor printed on the left cup of the top. The back of the bottoms said "Ahoy!" in red cursive script, and the ties had red beads hanging on the ends.
"Erica!" Kyle yelled up the stairs. "Are the margaritas ready or what?"
"We'll be down in a few minutes!" Erica yelled back.
"I'll wear -" Lisa said, taking the hanger off of the rack and turning around just as Erica slammed the door shut. "...this one?" she finished saying. She sounded unsure, but that's only because Erica was standing with her back against the door, turning the lock behind her.
"That will look so good on you." Erica breathed. She bit her lip, and then smiled. "Why don't you take off all your clothes."
"And get changed?" Lisa added innocently, gulping because her thoughts were less innocent than her words.
"Eventually." Erica said, shrugging one shoulder.
"Um." said Lisa, her skin tingling. "Are you seducing me, Erica?"
"Oh, yes." Erica nodded, walking toward her. "Yes I am."
Lisa held the hanger in her hand. Erica took it from her and laid it carefully on the bed. "Let's get this jacket off..." she said, pushing the thick, itchy looking fabric from Lisa's shoulders. She laid that carefully on the bed as well, and then reached for Lisa's utilitarian black belt. "And let's get this belt out of its adorable little loops..."
Lisa's breathing got shallower. "Okay." she agreed in a lighthearted tone.
"And these pants." Erica whispered. "Did you get these on a clearance rack somewhere?"
Lisa winced and grimaced. "Yes."
Erica grabbed her by the hips and pulled her close. "It doesn't matter. Your ass looks amazing in them." she said. She went back to unbuttoning them, and when they pooled at Lisa's feet, she helped her stepped out of the legs one at a time. She attacked the buttons of Lisa's shirt a little faster, eager to see if the bra matched the underwear.
"Maroon, really?" Erica teased her. "This white shirt is practically see through."
"You can't see it under the blazer." Lisa explained, though the words were muffled as Erica kissed her. Erica stuck her tongue in Lisa's mouth and they made the fuck out for about fifteen seconds. "Mmf, -rrrica," she said, gasping for air when Erica released her mouth. They'd kissed each other's lipstick off, and Erica still had all her clothes on. "Are you sure you want to do this?" asked Lisa. "You don't even know me." She half-smiled, and Erica wished Lisa's clothes were back on so she could rip them off this time.
"There's only one way to change that." said Erica, pulling Lisa by the hips and moving her in awkward steps over to the bed.
"Deep, philosophical conversation?" Lisa asked as she fell backward and bounced softly next to the bikini and blazer.
"Look at you!" Erica congratulated her. "You thought of another way!"
"Erica?" Lisa propped her upper body up with her elbows. Her legs were hanging off the edge of the bed, bent at the knee, and Erica was kneeling on the floor in front of her, reaching for her panties.
"Yes, Lisa?" Erica replied patiently, pulling the panties impatiently down Lisa's legs.
"I think I'm in love with you."
Erica smiled, hooking her arms under Lisa's knees and pulling her right to the edge of the bed. "If you're not sure about that," said Erica. "You will be soon."
Erica lowered her head, and Lisa gasped when she made contact, stealing the work of art from between her legs.
On the ground floor, Kyle leaned on the banister and tilted his head so he could listen. Both men heard a distinct moan floating down from Erica's bedroom.
"Seriously!" Ryan exclaimed. "How does she do that?"
"I think the question is," Kyle sighed. "Why isn't she doing that with us."
Ryan sighed too. "Yeah, I do miss those days."
Kyle's face fell. "You miss what?"
Ryan looked at him, confused as to why Kyle didn't understand. "I miss having sex with Erica." he said, like no doiii Kyle, what's your problem?
"You've...had sex? With Erica?" Kyle asked in starts and stops.
Ryan shrugged like it was no bigs. "Yeah. We used to do it all the time. All the time, everywhere, every position...UHNFF." he groaned. "Those were the days."
Kyle stared at Ryan as he reminisced, too distracted by the imagery created by Ryan's simple words to get angry enough to hit him.
Ryan laughed at himself, chuckling at the memories, and he sighed again. "Then one day we had a threesome, and after that all she wanted was girls, girls, girls."
"Erica!" Lisa shouted. "Erica!"
Erica couldn't respond out loud, but Lisa felt her loud and clear. In the throes of passion Lisa grabbed her docent's jacket and tore the right sleeve right off the rest of it. She growled and screamed, tearing the jacket to shreds as Erica finished her grrrreatest work of art.
"Fuck, yes!" Lisa shouted. "Fuck being a docent, I want to be an art thief like you!"
Erica pushed Lisa's thighs up and apart and pushed her face closer. She'd been content to snack, but hearing Lisa's declaration made her want to feast. Lisa cried out, and she brought her destroyed jacket to her mouth and bit down hard on it. She growled and Erica held on tight to Lisa's thighs when her hips started bucking wildly underneath her.
With one final scream, Ryan and Kyle heard Lisa finish.
A few minutes later, Erica walked out of her bedroom, looking very pleased with herself. "Margaritas?" she asked the boys. Ryan had already poured himself one, and was sitting on the couch. Kyle was at the base of the stairs, drinking tequila straight from the bottle.
"You've had sex with Ryan." he declared in accusation as Erica walked downstairs.
Erica stopped next to him. Her eyes shifted to the right, then back to Kyle. "Ya." she freely admitted, 'cause it was no bigs. "I have."
"A lot." said Kyle, as if it offended him.
Erica shrugged, her head bobbing left to right. "You could say that, yeah."
"And you never thought...?" he started and stopped, so upset he couldn't even say the words. "You never considered-?"
She looked at him quizzically, but they were interrupted when Lisa emerged from Erica's bedroom, wearing the bikini she'd picked out and looking as high as a sex kite. She pranced down the stairs and stopped next to Erica, putting her arms around Erica's waist and hugging her from behind. Lisa rested the side of her face on Erica's back and hummed with love. "Mmmm." she said. She lifted her head, kept her arms wrapped tightly around Erica's waist and looked at the boys. "Did somebody say margaritas?" she asked with a big smile. Erica crossed her arms so she could give Lisa a hug from the front. She squeezed Lisa's forearms with her hands, scrunching up her shoulders and taking a deep breath that she let out with a happy sigh.
"This is the best night ever." said Erica, smiling dreamily at Kyle. He pressed his lips together, squeezing the bottle of tequila in his hand. He couldn't decide whether to throw the bottle at the wall or at the vase on the coffee table, so he decided to drink more instead.
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Later that same night, in the hot tuuub:
Erica tipped her head back and drained her glass for a third time. She slammed the plastic margarita cup down on the table, except there was only steamy hot water where a table should be, and she splashed everyone. Lisa didn't notice; she was too busy sitting in Erica's lap, licking and kissing her neck like it was an everlasting gobstopper. Ryan and Kyle sat next to each other on the other side of the tub. Ryan was completely relaxed, his arms spread out over the edge of the tub, his head tilted back with his eyes closed. Kyle was slouched so his mouth was at the water's surface, and he stared at Erica and Lisa like he wished death upon them both. In reality he only wished for more sex, but dammit he wanted sex too, and Ryan just wasn't his type. (This time it is not because Ryan is black. It's because he's a dude. Not that there's anything wrong with that. *coughJack/Chadcough*)
Ryan lifted his head, and noticed that Kyle was still very upset. Ryan cleared his throat to get Erica's attention.
"Sooo, two guys, two girls." Ryan said, oh so subtly. "Maybe we can have a little two-on-two action tonight?" He motioned to Kyle with his head, widening his eyes so Erica would get the point. Erica squinted, at first unsure, but eventually, through her drunken haze, she understood.
"Or maybe...two on one." she said with an evil grin Ryan's way. Kyle suddenly stood, sprinkling hot water on all of them.
"I'm going to bed." he said as if it all bored him to death. "Brush my teeth first. Maybe read a comic book. Whatever."
He frowned as he got out, and Ryan made an urgent, angry face at Erica.
"I meant with him!" Erica whispered to Ryan about Kyle, but Kyle was already gone.
"He doesn't know that!" Ryan whispered back.
"What do you mean, he doesn't know?" Erica hissed. "He doesn't know I've been dreaming about fucking him every night since we met?"
Lisa whined, since Erica was sort of flailing. "What's going on?" she said, just waking up.
"What's going on," said Erica, standing up and pulling Lisa with her. "Is we're on a new mission. Come with me."
Lisa followed Erica out of the tub and into the house, shivering at the sudden lack of warmth. Ryan stayed in the tub and leaned back, humming "Who Can It Be Now", which had been stuck in his head all day.
TBHC - to be hilaaaariously continued! ahhhahahaha, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA-but don't hold your breath.