Welcome to the Club
A G Gundam spamfic by tiakall
PG for mild language

***

The flickering neon lights on the top of the small, run down building nestled in a corner of Shinjuku read 'Yorokonde Tavern' in proud katakana and kanji, with a scribbled sign underneath declaring the small alehouse to be the 'home of the Shuffle Alliance' underneath. The soft clip, clop, clip, clop of slow hooves across the broken cement of the back alley echoed slightly as the man, a regular visitor, dismounted and tied the reins to one of the posts holding the rickety porch of the gin joint up. He wasn't particularly worried about the horse. He'd be more worried about anyone stupid enough to try and steal it...if he cared.

He opened the front door, red cloak swishing behind him as he walked to the bar and took a seat. The man behind it took one look up and turned around, pulling out a jug and pouring the newcomer a large glass milk. "Rough day?" he asked dryly.

"Like you wouldn't believe."

"Oi, aniki!" The shout came from further down the bar, around the corner. A younger boy clutching a can of Surge loosely in one hand, reclined back, feet resting on the bar. "What took you?"

The man rubbed a hand against his forehead wearily. "Patrolling the fandom. You should be heavily grateful you're not the main character, Sai Sici."

The kid grinned and snickered. The bartender, in passing him by to serve the man next to him, pushed his feet off the bar, causing the fighter to fall off his stool with a loud THUD. "Kindly don't put your feet on the bar."

"GAH!"

Domon snickered as the bartender turned to serve the man in the dark and shadowy corner. "Here's your Diet Coke, Kyoji-san."

Domon spluttered on his milk as he turned, shocked, to the man in the corner. His face was partly hidden from view, but there was no doubt in his mind. Despite that, he managed to blurt out in a disbeliving tone, "N-Niisan?!"

"No, it's Schwarz," Kyoji said sarcastically as he opened the can.

"But--how--why??"

Kyoji took a sip from his diet Coke before replying. "I've been revived to be in some twit's fic. AND I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT."

"...uh, okay..." Domon returned to his milk. Sai, still on the floor, scooted away a bit and took a seat next to Domon.

Kyoji sighed, and grabbed a bar stool, clobbering one of the multitude of young girls that had ventured too close. There was a multitude of them sitting nearby, giggling and drooling over him. "And can someone PLEASE get these fangirls out of here?"

The creaky door swung open again as another person walked jauntily in. "So, a Chibodee walks into a bar, and he says, 'Hey, whose horse is responsible for the pile of bodies outside?'"

Absolute silence greeted him. Chibodee 'hmph'ed and grabbed a seat. "Tough room. Hey, barkeep, how's about a root beer for the Great American Hero here?"

"And why are you so late?" Domon said coldly as the bartender handed him the drink.

Chibodee expertly popped off the cap and took a long swig. "Wandering all over town trying to find a bar that'll serve me a damn beer."

George, seated at one of the tables that had mysteriously not been there before, snorted over his Fresca. "Serves you right for trying to get drunk in a fic. As if we don't have enough of THAT going on in the bad ones."

"The bad ones are why I want to get knocked out before I fully comprehend what's been done to me."

George sniffed. Sai grinned and tossed something onto the table. "I wouldn't get all high and mighty just yet. Check out that piece of art."

George gave Sai a suspicious look before looking at the paper set in front of him. He managed about five words before a horrified cry of "Mon DIEU!"

Sai began to laugh. "Keep going. It gets worse."

George slammed a hand down on the table, face slightly flushed with embarrassment and rage. "I refuse! Who does this author think she is, writing about my personal affairs as if this low-class citizen knows me?"

"You mean she's writing about your sex life?" Chibodee quipped. "Funny, I didn't know you had one."

George was on his feet in an instant, foil drawn. "Say that again, you ruffian!"

Chibodee jumped up, knocking over the stool. "Gladly, Frenchie!"

Sai held up a hand. "I wouldn't laugh so soon, aniki. You're in this too, you know."

"What? Let me see that!" Chibodee snatched the paper. He got about as far as George did before yelling out a "JESUS!" followed by various sorts of profanity in English and Japanese.

Argo looked up from his black coffee for a moment. "Watch your language. There's ladies in here." He gestured slightly to Allenby, who was enjoying a cream soda. She waved merrily.

"I am a man," George said stiffly. "I do not lower myself to...carnal pleasures with other men!"

"I don't care how girly he looks," Chibodee snapped. "I don't sleep with guys!"

The two resumed glaring at each other. Sai was about to get between them (a futile gesture) when a loud noise outside caught the attention of the entire bar. "DOMON!" came a yell from outside.

The man in question turned visibly pale. "Oh god. It's Rain. She's found the Domon/Allenby fic, I know she has. Hide me."

He attempted to duck behind Argo as a furious Rain came in the room. "Where's Domon?" she said icily.

The other four Shuffles immediately pointed him out. "Thanks, guys," he muttered, then froze nervously as Rain marched up to him.

She waved a fic in Domon's face. "What's the meaning of this?!" she demanded.

"Rain, it's not my fault! They're just making stuff up. Ask George and Chibodee!"

"DO NOT GO THERE," both said in unison.

"Rain, I already left him to you at the end of the series," Allenby said around her cream soda. She then grinned mischeviously and grabbed Domon by the arm. "Though I wouldn't object to a one-night stand!"

"DOMON!"

"Allenby!" Domon yelped. "Are you trying to make sure I sleep on the couch tonight?!"

"Well, if you needed somewhere to go..."

"Allenby!"

"Wouldn't you have to put Seitt on the couch then?" Sai snickered.

"Hey, I didn't show any interest in him! I don't know who thought that one up!" Allenby put up her hands as Rain gave her a glare. "Anyway, I'm only kidding! C'mon, calm down a bit. All that frowning'll give you wrinkles."

Domon tried to pacify his wife. "C'mon, honey, just calm down and I'll get you an iced tea or something. Please? Dear?"

Rain finally gave in with a sigh, taking a seat next to Domon. The barkeep placed an iced tea in front of her and she gratefully accepted. "There, that's better," Domon said, massaging one of her shoulders with his free hand. "This American fandom is a bit hard on all of us."

"A bit hard?" said one voice from the other dark and shadowy corner that had previously not been there before. "You n00bs are getting off lucky. We've been putting up with this for a couple of years now."

The whole cast turned to the corner, even Kyoji, who had been ignoring the previous conversation in order to keep the fangirls at bay. "Who's there?" Domon demanded.

Messy brown hair, piercing blue eyes, dressed in a tank top and spandex shorts. Next to him, a braided boy in black. Behind them, a silent boy with impossibly spiked hair. Next to that boy, a blond in a pink shirt. Behind them, a Chinese boy whose ponytail seemed tighter than humanly possible.

"It's...It's you!" Sai gasped in surprise.

"Welcome to the club," Heero Yuy said.





author babble:
* the term 'spamfic' coined by Lone Wolf. All rights reserved.
* the fangirl being clobbered by Kyoji is me.
* on Allenby/Seitt, I'm just kidding. Love your fic, Spork.