Disclaimer- not mine
Rating- Dunno. One bad word.
A/N –Originally wrote 2/16/03
I sink down into my bed, relishing in the softness it gives. My mind, body and down into my soul ... is just tired. That's all I can say about it. The First is here and I don't know what to do.
Sometimes, I think about how things should have been. I think about you. I don't think things turned out how we wanted them to. Do you know that I still love you? For some reason I am hit with this feeling of long-ness like the impact of a train on a car that interrupted its path. I want you. I want you to pull one arm around me sending me down towards your chest, your ever so perfectly weighted chin place upon my head...or maybe your cheek brushed against mine. I want to kiss you. Lose myself in a love I know is the truest, not tainted, most perfect thing I have ever experienced.
But we can't have that. I never, ever expected you to walk away from me. You said you were going to leave...and I don't know, I really didn't expect it. I never expected you to come and protect me without bothering to tell me you were there. Or why I had such strange dreams afterwards. I deserved to know about that day. Funny thing, when you are in heaven you get ALL your memories. I know. What you did for me, I'll be eternally grateful for the sacrifice you made, but I still died. We could of had maybe even just one day of solid bliss that could never melt away. I never expected you to protect Faith, or hit me. Or to tell me to go home. You apologized but...it isn't the same. I had to go back to Riley. My boyfriend. The epitome of everything you could have ever wanted for me... normal Iowa boy that could understand and take in my slayer field. And you hated him. It radiated off of you. When I asked you to stay forever after my moms death... then said it was a bad idea, did you not hear it? My pleading for you to take me into your arms and never let go. I knew somewhere deep inside a cool part of my lower belly I knew that I was going to cease existing. I wanted to spend my time with you. I really could not lose Dawn. She was ... everything inside of me. She was me. They made her ... from me. Part of my soul is inside of her. I can feel it every time I brush my hand against her cheek or take her into my arms. A sense of sisterhood and completeness. I couldn't let her die. I had to. But alas, my friends just had to have me back. And I was here and you were, and then you left me again. You had already transformed yourself so much after I had died, that you couldn't even bare to be with me.
I wonder where you are now. As a person. Making love to Cordelia maybe, does the happiness clause just disappear, or is she not just a good enough laid? Yeah I know about you two. I don't know how far you have gone, but I know about you two. Is she different Angel? Is she different from me? Does she not deserve this perfect life that I just had to have? Do you see what you have done? The destruction that was left? I fucked Spike for almost a year. Is that the normalcy you think I would crave so much? I don't want kids. I would never force my life upon an innocent child... and I wouldn't bring any kids out of me that weren't part of you. Simple as that.
I want you to come. I know the only way the world is going to survive this is if we do it together. I pick of the phone, softly playing with the cord, before digging out an old phone card you gave me after I came back. I gently but quickly dial the numbers.
"Angel Investigations, we help the helpless?" A stressed voice answered. Voice answered.
Rating- Dunno. One bad word.
A/N –Originally wrote 2/16/03
I sink down into my bed, relishing in the softness it gives. My mind, body and down into my soul ... is just tired. That's all I can say about it. The First is here and I don't know what to do.
Sometimes, I think about how things should have been. I think about you. I don't think things turned out how we wanted them to. Do you know that I still love you? For some reason I am hit with this feeling of long-ness like the impact of a train on a car that interrupted its path. I want you. I want you to pull one arm around me sending me down towards your chest, your ever so perfectly weighted chin place upon my head...or maybe your cheek brushed against mine. I want to kiss you. Lose myself in a love I know is the truest, not tainted, most perfect thing I have ever experienced.
But we can't have that. I never, ever expected you to walk away from me. You said you were going to leave...and I don't know, I really didn't expect it. I never expected you to come and protect me without bothering to tell me you were there. Or why I had such strange dreams afterwards. I deserved to know about that day. Funny thing, when you are in heaven you get ALL your memories. I know. What you did for me, I'll be eternally grateful for the sacrifice you made, but I still died. We could of had maybe even just one day of solid bliss that could never melt away. I never expected you to protect Faith, or hit me. Or to tell me to go home. You apologized but...it isn't the same. I had to go back to Riley. My boyfriend. The epitome of everything you could have ever wanted for me... normal Iowa boy that could understand and take in my slayer field. And you hated him. It radiated off of you. When I asked you to stay forever after my moms death... then said it was a bad idea, did you not hear it? My pleading for you to take me into your arms and never let go. I knew somewhere deep inside a cool part of my lower belly I knew that I was going to cease existing. I wanted to spend my time with you. I really could not lose Dawn. She was ... everything inside of me. She was me. They made her ... from me. Part of my soul is inside of her. I can feel it every time I brush my hand against her cheek or take her into my arms. A sense of sisterhood and completeness. I couldn't let her die. I had to. But alas, my friends just had to have me back. And I was here and you were, and then you left me again. You had already transformed yourself so much after I had died, that you couldn't even bare to be with me.
I wonder where you are now. As a person. Making love to Cordelia maybe, does the happiness clause just disappear, or is she not just a good enough laid? Yeah I know about you two. I don't know how far you have gone, but I know about you two. Is she different Angel? Is she different from me? Does she not deserve this perfect life that I just had to have? Do you see what you have done? The destruction that was left? I fucked Spike for almost a year. Is that the normalcy you think I would crave so much? I don't want kids. I would never force my life upon an innocent child... and I wouldn't bring any kids out of me that weren't part of you. Simple as that.
I want you to come. I know the only way the world is going to survive this is if we do it together. I pick of the phone, softly playing with the cord, before digging out an old phone card you gave me after I came back. I gently but quickly dial the numbers.
"Angel Investigations, we help the helpless?" A stressed voice answered. Voice answered.