Disclaimer: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (which, I need scarcely say, this story's cover is a still from) was inspired in 1964 by Roald Dahl, created in 1971 by Mel Stuart and David L. Wolper, and twisted out of its rightful shape earlier this morning by me. Enjoy.

"Help! Help!" Grandpa Joe wailed. "Mr. Wonka, please, turn off the fan! Oh! Oh!"

But his pleas were unavailing; the remorseless power of the Fizzy Lifting Drinks continued to lift him and his grandson, inch by inch, to their doom. Charlie shut his eyes wretchedly, expecting at any moment to feel the razor-sharp fan blades against his scalp.

It was his own fault, he knew. After what had happened to Augustus and Violet, the remaining Ticket-finders should all have been on their guard against letting their greatest weaknesses get the better of them. Instead of which, as soon as Mr. Wonka had forbade the sampling of the Drinks, that little voice that lives in the heart of every poor child had awakened in Charlie's: Of course he won't let you have it. They never do. But what's to stop you taking it while he's not looking? Every man for himself, that's the rule in this world. Go on, don't be timid. And he had listened.

But still, he thought, even if what he had done was wrong, how was it more wrong than what the other two had done? They had flouted Mr. Wonka's authority just as badly, and he had still contrived to protect them from the final consequences of their actions. Yet he, Charlie, and his grandfather with him, were about to be gruesomely dismembered, with no-one to save them. Where was the justice in that?

Just at that moment, he heard a scraping sound coming from the ceiling behind him. He opened his eyes, and, to his amazement, saw a whole series of hitherto invisible openings appearing in the smooth, silvery surface. (These had been installed, along with the fan itself, as added insurance against gas buildup. They generally opened automatically about once a day, but, in an emergency, they could be opened from a central control panel deep in the heart of the factory – a control panel, it may be noted, that could also turn off the garbage furnaces.)

"Grandpa!" Charlie shouted. "We're saved!"

"Quick, Charlie, get in!" said Grandpa Joe.

The two of them each grabbed at the top of the nearest opening, and forced their heads and torsos through; the rest of their bodies followed automatically, and they found themselves floating (along with a number of stray bubbles) above the roof of the factory, just behind the spire. They had a minute or two to enjoy this unique view of their town's most famous landmark; then the wind picked them up and carried them away, and they drifted eastward across the Midwest for about half an hour, getting higher and higher all the time.

After a while, they began to have trouble breathing, and the chilling thought crossed their minds that they might have avoided dismemberment only to die of asphyxiation and cold. Soon, however, the low air pressure caused the gas in their bellies to dissipate; with a series of loud, bad-tasting burps, they began to descend, and eventually landed unceremoniously in the middle of Lake Erie, where they treaded water for a while before being picked up by a passing trawler.

After Charlie and Grandpa Joe's departure, the openings in the ceiling scraped shut again, and, for a few minutes, the Fizzy Lifting Room was silent save for the incessant bubbling of the mixture itself. Then a small side door opened, and a number of Oompa-Loompas entered, bearing mops, buckets, and stepladders. They propped the latter up against the wall, and set about the business of sterilizing the ceiling – and, as they did so, they sang:

Oompa-Loompa-Doompa-Dee-Do,
I've got another puzzle for you.
Oompa-Loompa-Doompa-Da-Dee,
If you are wise, you'll listen to me.

What do you get when you act like a snake,
Taking whatever it strikes you to take?
Just being poor doesn't make it all right;
One rule applies to ev'ry plight:
"Do as you'd be done by".

Oompa-Loompa-Doompa-Dee-Da,
If you stay honest, you will go far.
You will live in happiness, too,
Like the Oompa-Loompa-Doompa-Dee-Do!

Willy Wonka is still the CEO and only full-size employee of the Wonka Chocolate Company.