First SNK fic (of course, don't go easy on me). It's extremely boring, but I hope you find it otherwise. I'm an incredibly lonely person, and I imagine Eren is, too. Please leave feedback if you wish to!
The first night back in the castle after returning from the 57th expedition (and the following summons and disasters), Eren volunteers to make the tea, and inadvertently makes four cups more than he needs to.
He goes to the wooden table in the dining room with a tray laden with the six steaming cups and finds only Captain waiting and no one else; his hands clench tightly around the tray handles and he looks down, to the ground, unsure of how to apologize.
"I... ended up making too much, Captain... I'm sorry - "
"Sit."
Eren sits. Captain Levi is sitting at the head of the table, and he sits directly opposite him, at the other end, after placing Captain's cup in front of him.
"There's no one else coming, Jaeger, you don't need to sit that far away."
Eren hastily changes seats so that he now is right beside the captain, the corner of the table on his left, and does not say a word.
They drink their tea in silence. The four other cups steam away, rapidly cooling. Eren observes the whorls in the wood of the well-worn table, the minute indentations and bumps, acutely aware of Captain's piercing gaze on him. The silence is tense and then -
"Jaeger, how do you feel?"
Eren jumps. He hadn't expected the question. He sneaks a glance at Captain Levi. He's holding his now-empty cup, and his eyes are still boring holes into him.
"I'm fine, sir."
"That's good."
Levi reaches for one of the extra cups. Eren watches him do it. Timidly goes for one himself. They drink that tea, too. And then empty the two remaining cups.
"Clean whatever you used, and then go to the basement. Don't make excess tea again, or I'll make you drink all of it instead of just half."
"Yes, sir." Eren looks at the table again, unable to face him. Their absence is the elephant in the room. It's the gaping hole in their sides.
"Sleep well. You need it."
"Yes, Captain. You... too."
Without another word, Levi leaves the room. Eren takes the tray to the kitchen and washes every cup and the vessel he used, returning them to their places. But instead of descending the stairs, he goes back to the dining room and sits back down on the table. They had had unofficially designated seats. As if those places were meant for them, and them only. Eren looks at each empty spot.
"I'm sorry, Petra-san."
Silence.
"I'm sorry, Auruo-san."
More silence.
"I'm sorry, Erd-san. I'm sorry, Gunther-san."
He doesn't know what he was expecting once he finished apologizing, but nothing happens. No strange feeling of peace overcomes him. It was idiotic of him to think that apologies spoken into an empty room could help. The lack of replies deepens... whatever he's feeling. He can't define it. Helplessness and guilt and grief and anger and desperation and melancholy.
He remains there for the rest of the night, knowing he should go to the basement, that he's going to face punishment if he doesn't follow Captain's command, but he can't leave. He can't leave them. He left them once and look what happened.
Eren falls asleep at the table, with his head resting on his arms, tears seeping into the cloth of his shirt and drying by the time Captain gets up and goes to find him.
When Eren's eyes open, he finds a cup of freshly-made, boiling tea in front of him, and Captain in his earlier seat.
"I thought my orders were clear."
Eren sits up hurriedly, and nearly knocks over the table. Levi's hand shoots out to stabilize the mug of tea and, Eren notices, a plate of eggs.
"I'm sorry, Captain. I just -"
"Drink this, eat the breakfast and then go clean the first two floors and the kitchen. I want it done by noon today. Hanji's arriving in two days. So is Hanji's squad. I want their rooms spotless. Once that's done, we'll go out into the forest and I'll teach you some fuel-efficient 3DMG techniques. I won't be able to do much more, Erwin's ordered me to minimize the time I spend using my legs."
"Yes, Captain."
Eren takes a sip of the tea. It's much more delicious, much more palatable than whatever he made yesterday. He can feel Captain Levi's eyes on him again.
"Jaeger?"
He looks up from the cup.
"How do you feel?"
"I'm okay, sir."
He doesn't know how to ask Levi the same question. He knows he'll never get a proper answer. The quiet of the castle is now a haunting one. Each footstep resounds through the corridors.
"That's good."
Levi, even though he's finished, stays until Eren does. Eren can't look at him, tortured by the guilt he's feeling. Surely Captain blames him for their deaths. He is to blame after all. He should have been the one to die. He shouldn't have left them to deal with Annie. He shouldn't have relied on them, because now they're dead. He should've died in their place, he deserved to die, Captain surely hates him now, more than ever. He should have shifted into a Titan when he'd had the chance earlier. He should have killed Annie when he'd had the chance to inside Sina, he -
"Eren?"
The voice calling his name is so, so gentle. Eren closes his eyes.
A hand on his face shakes him into reality.
Captain is wiping away the tears he hadn't known had rolled down his cheeks. Eren jerks back. Levi retracts his hand and wipes the teardrops on a handkerchief.
"I'm sorry, sir," Eren gasps. "I'm -"
"Tell me what's wrong."
"I - I don't -"
They're dead now, people who were once Levi's closest... companions, friends... family. And Eren is to blame. He's to blame for the destruction of so many lives because he didn't kill Annie in the forest and in the capital.
Levi is still looking at him, face expressionless and blank though his words had been so tender.
"You made your choice, and it wasn't wrong."
Eren stills.
"It was not wrong to depend on them, and it is not your fault that they died. They were capable soldiers who lost their lives in battle. Mulling over how different things could have been is futile. Keep moving forward. Keep them in mind when we next go out into the battlefield."
Eren's face crumples. This is wrong. Captain must be infinitely more distraught than he is, yet the one being comforted is Eren. This is so selfish of him.
"Jaeger..."
"I'm sorry, Captain, you must hate me so much, I disappointed you, you lost your team because of me, you must be in a worse state than me -"
Levi's hand grabs his hair and jerks Eren's head towards him. Eren gets the opportunity to look at Captain's eyes far more closely than ever before. Levi, oddly, is visibly angry. Well, it's not an odd thing. Not really.
"Listen. This is the last time I will say this to you. After this, you will do the duties I assigned to you and stop snivelling."
Eren nods as much as he can. Levi's grip on his hair softens.
"Don't look back so often."
Then he's gone, walking out the door, the staccato of his gait sounding like a one-man march. Isn't that what he is, though? A one-man army. Eren takes a minute to gather himself. Then he washes up and gets ready to clean. He's begun to like cleaning. It helps to distract him. He doesn't wonder how Armin and Mikasa are doing as often as he once used to. He doesn't think about his mother (the death of his mother) as often.
The job is gruelling as Levi's standards are hard to meet, but Eren's used to it by now. He's completed everything and is finishing the last room when he hears footsteps. They stop intermittently. Apparently Captain's checking all the rooms. The door to the one he's in opens and there he is. Waiting. Eren takes his time making every surface shine before he walks out with Levi. The silence isn't as unnerving as yesterday. Neither is Eren as upset as he was this morning. They don't make small talk.
Except Levi does, this time. "What did you love learning most in training?"
Eren thinks. "Hand to hand combat."
"Hmm, you did hold your own against Gunther and Auruo. Maybe I'll spar with you sometime."
It's an honour. Eren voices this sentiment. Levi snorts lightly, but doesn't answer. Eren notes how Levi's become even more laconic than usual. But he'll stop thinking about the reason, and instead use it to fuel his rage against the mindless oppressors of his kind. He flexes his fingers a couple of times, remembering how much time has gone by since he used them last to punch Jean's face in. He laughs to himself as he remembers Jean's loud, indignant, enthusiastic yelling in the canteen as they fought over who Marco, God's own angel, 'loved' most. Levi looks at him out of the corner of his eye.
Dinner is Eren's task - considerably less exhausting now. He wishes it wasn't that way. He chops up a few carrots and adds them to a soup bubbling away in a pot, and stir-fries assorted vegetables, meagre in number but apparently rich in nutrition. That's their dinner, right there.
He thinks about the 3DMG training they did today. He thinks about the gracefulness that Captain Levi exudes in the air. The words 'clean lines' flash through his mind. Even as this is happening, Levi enters the kitchen, and takes over the soup-making task. They work together in silence.
"Are you scared of me?" Levi asks after a while.
"No," Eren replies immediately. "No, sir," he amends.
"Are you scared of Hanji?"
"Yes, sir."
But Eren stifles a chuckle behind his hand, so Levi knows it's not true.
"The soup is ready."
"So are the vegetables."
They have dinner together, too - in silence. This time Levi helps him wash the utensils and ensures that Eren retires to the basement, accompanying him into the darkness with a lantern. Eren watches quietly as Levi shuts the lock of his prison-esque cell from the outside. There is really no need for him to do this now of all times, except Eren suspects he's just ensuring Eren gets sleep in a proper bed unlike last night.
But then he doesn't leave. That is to say, he leaves and then returns with bedsheets. There is a wooden bench in front of the prison-like bars that cordon off Eren's cell from the rest of the basement, and Levi arranges the sheets on it. Then lies down on the makeshift bed. Eren is speechless. This is completely unlike Captain.
As if he read Eren's mind, Levi says, "Go to sleep and stop gaping at me."
Eren nods mutely and does exactly that.
He wakes up in the middle of the night, though. And finds himself wanting to go over to his captain. He is alone now, more than ever. The mere presence of someone else would calm him down.
So he goes towards the bars and drops down to his knees so he's sitting beside the cool rods. He tries to make out Levi's silhouette (the lamps were extinguished a long while ago), but right on the other side of the bars he finds he touches warm skin belonging to a still, barely-moving face that in turn belongs to someone also sitting by the rods. So perhaps his captain feels lonely sometimes, too, lonely enough to shirk cleanliness considerations. He gets up and goes back to bed with a heavy heart.
If either remembers it in the morning, neither of them talks about it.
Hanji's arrival brings life back into the gaunt walls of the old HQ, but only metaphorically. They've arrived with a list of new experiments to conduct on him in the time he's here. Eren readily agrees, though he never had much of a choice.
The experiments take place over the course of a couple of weeks. Levi watches over him outdoors. Every time Eren manages to shift into a Titan, it's Levi's duty to extract him once Hanji's done with the experiment. Hanji trusts only Levi to do it properly and shorten Eren's recovery time.
Cooking for an entire squad once again somewhat fills the void Eren has in his heart. While they don't trust him quite yet, they remove the emptiness he once faced in the kitchen when they help him make breakfast, lunch, and dinner. It doesn't take away his guilt.
It has become a ritual for the past month, that at night, when everyone's retired to bed, Eren makes tea for himself and for Captain Levi, who he finds waiting in his office. He's gotten better at it. Levi tells him his assessment of Eren's tea-making skills every day.
"Four out of ten," is this evening's rating. Eren nods.
"You added too many tea leaves for just two people drinking it."
Eren sheepishly apologizes. Levi's gaze rests on him for a while. "Six out of ten," he corrects himself.
Eren's smile lights up the room, only to fade as he takes his first sip of the tea and almost spits it out. So fucking bitter. He should have added an equally large amount of sugar to compensate for the excess tea leaves. How is this a six.
"Too kind," he chokes out. Levi's snort (because he only snorts to show his amusement, and Eren has never seen him actually laugh) is derisive but Eren thinks it's not aimed at him. But Levi's (kind of) smiling, too, and while Eren doesn't notice the softness in his gaze, he appreciates the smile.
With a change in seasons, comes a change in the castle occupants. Eren can't wait to see Mikasa and Armin again. He's even (slightly) excited about seeing Horseface. Levi, who told him of their coming, also mentioned that they and a couple of his old friends would constitute the new squad. He's - very excited. He won't think about the purpose of this squad, nor the possible futures of everyone on it. He's going to pretend for a while that he is in a team with everyone he could ever want on it, and that they won't ever be needed for anything so they can practice and practice and practice for nothing, forever.
It's going to make him so much less lonely. Not that being around Captain Levi hadn't lessened the loneliness. His anticipation grows by the day and when they actually come, he actually first hugs Jean, who has a weird, creeped-out expression on his face for the rest of the day, leading even Captain to comment on it while they're all having lunch.
"Didn't shit today?"
"Yes, Captain! I did."
A wave of laughter overtakes the squad. Eren's eyes are sparkling, and seeing him at peace, Mikasa and Armin also find solace.
"Eat your lunch properly, Kirschtein."
"Yes, sir!" Jean is very red in the face as he shovels the food down his throat, the exact opposite of 'properly'.
Eren has found new company that's also old company. He's cheered up considerably, and more focused on training instead of everyone he lost in the 57th expedition. Levi is satisfied with this knowledge.
Eren still makes tea just for the two of them at night, and recently, it does nothing to prevent sleep from taking him over, now that he's used to tea in the morning, in the afternoon, in the evening. Levi always sends Eren away when Eren starts nodding off, tired from all the drills and practicing of the day, though sometimes he entertains... other thoughts.
Eren asked him his motivations for fighting, once. Levi's answers were so like his own that Eren started crying in relief, right there. Someone else wanted to see the outside world, too. Someone else thought they had the right to. He starts to open up to Levi about his passions and his dream, and while Levi puts up an impassive facade, he's interested. He isn't a pessimist. He truly believes that humanity will one day be free from the Titans. He's interested in Eren's dream because it's possible.
"Oceans are... big bodies of salty water. Armin told me that if you drink that water you'd immediately throw up. We could use that water instead for getting salt, and it wouldn't be such an expensive commodity then."
"Hmm?"
"And... can you imagine water burning? There's water in the world, that burns! Sir, if you had the chance to, would you come see the ocean with me, Armin and Mikasa?" Eren's face is flaming red, fully expecting rejection.
Levi can't see a relation between burning water and the question Eren asked, but hums in agreement, anyway, reaching for the reports on his desk, looking down to sign them so Eren can't see Levi's expression and realize something that Levi doesn't want him to know.
"Done with the tea?"
"Yes, sir!"
"Seven out of ten. You're improving. Take the cups and wash them. Then go to the basement. I'll be down in a few minutes to lock the door."
"One day, I'll make tea as well as Petra-san used to, and make you say ten out of ten."
"Don't count on it, brat," Levi says. He will not admit that it's kind of heartening to see Eren so fired up about pleasing him.
Eren asks one day when the entire squad is on a castle-cleaning venture: "Would you rate tea you make ten out of ten?"
"I wouldn't rate my tea at all." Levi and Eren are dusting furniture on the top floor.
Eren's face falls, realizing the logic (the lack of it) behind his question. Levi doesn't humour him anymore. He can't, because he can't risk Eren finding out. That would complicate matters, and in an already complicated world, no one appreciates more convolution.
When Levi, on a 'mission' to retrieve his hidden stash of black tea, finds Kirschtein looming over Eren and backing him into a corner in the pantry, he's ready to break the fight up until he realizes it's not a fight, and Eren's blushing, and they're holding hands. Kirschtein is apparently whispering something to Eren that's causing the blush.
When did this happen? When the fuck did this happen?
It's good that this happened.
He still breaks them apart by saying something wry and cutting that he doesn't remember later, when he's found his tea and is standing there, motionless, wondering why the hell did he want to hide his feelings from a boy who now is taken. Even when he thinks this, his conscience tells him that Kirschtein is much healthier for Eren than he is, in so many ways. He's the same age - that's the most important thing; he's at the same maturity level and will be able to understand Eren better. He's got considerably less baggage. He brings out something in Eren that Levi, in his position of authority over Eren, can't.
Kirschtein isn't tasked with the responsibility of killing Eren if he gets out of control.
It's good that this happened.
At least Eren and he still drink tea together. He can still guide Eren to be a better soldier in human form, and try and help him as his superior.
Eren blurts out one night during their tea-drinking session that he and Kirschtein are together, and that Jean does this, and Jean says that, and Jean and he sometimes sneak out at night with their 3DMG to find secluded places to talk, or something like that.
And -
"In what universe did you think that saying something in that strain to your commanding officer is okay?" Levi isn't angry. He isn't. He's resigned, if nothing else. Even if they did have a pseudo-friendly relationship formed over the trauma caused by the deaths of Levi's old team and daily tea-drinking rituals, it -
His reasoning is fucked at this point. He just doesn't want to hear the happy little details. And the fact that two soldiers in his squad endangered themselves and flouted rules more than once to fuck each other. He can't even begin to imagine the consequences if they were caught.
Eren is shocked at Captain's words. And then he understands it's true. Going outside the castle at night was a brainless thing to do, and an even more brainless thing to do was telling your squad leader. They might have gotten closer to each other as people but he should've kept in mind that Captain Levi was... on the other, higher side of a wide, wide chasm.
"I apologize, Captain." Eren's eyes are downcast. Possibly wet. Who has overstepped boundaries here? Levi with his feelings or Eren with his expression of them?
Levi wants to reach over the desk and hold Eren.
"Don't let me fucking catch you outside the castle without my knowledge."
"Sorry, sir."
"Do you know the consequences of doing something as idiotic as that? What if there are spies around the castle at this very moment? What if you were captured by the enemy? These are your orders: do not fucking take a single step outside the perimeters of the headquarters without my express permission, Jaeger. And don't fucking think for yourself, you obviously aren't very good at it."
Eren's face is a study in humiliation and shame for a moment. Then he composes himself, because he is a soldier of the Survey Corps, and says, "Yes, sir." His back is ramrod straight. There are no tears in his eyes and he isn't meeting Levi's.
"You can leave now."
Eren's cup is half full, still hot. He drains it in one gulp (after asking Captain if he can) and then gets up, salutes, and exits Captain's office with their cups in his grip.
Levi's face is in his hands not a minute after that.
Eren and Jean's punishment is cleaning the walls of the castle while the rest refine their Titan-fighting skills. Mikasa is furious at Levi but can't argue. Armin tells them they had it coming.
Eren wishes he hadn't relaxed so easily around his captain, little knowing his captain wished the same, only vice-versa.
They drink their tea now in silence that is familiar to the kind they had before Levi formed his new squad.
Eren and Jean fall out of love as easily as they fell in. Levi does (and tells himself he feels) nothing, only ensures that it won't affect their abilities as soldiers and teammates. He and Erwin, along with Hanji, Mike and other squad leaders begin mapping out the plans for the next expedition (Erwin secured the permission from Zackley, despite strong opposition by third parties). The castle is bustling with activity, especially as it now is 'home' to a significant portion of the Corps.
Eren is informed of the plans involving him (he will be the target of other Titan shifters in this next expedition as it is nearly impossible that Annie was the only one. Perhaps the Armored Titan might come into play - the Colossal Titan unlikely to make an appearance due to his size and the subsequent restrictions on his mobility).
Captain is the one doing the informing. He doesn't treat Eren with the indifference or revulsion that Eren had expected after the events involving him and Jean. He's just like always. The earlier always.
But is it wrong for him to want to see those rare smiles again? To want to touch his warm skin? He keeps thinking about the time he found Captain sitting and sleeping against the bars of his cell.
Jean and he realized that perhaps they were much better off as friends and rivals, but not before they kissed and kissed some more. Eren thinks about how kissing Captain would feel... how the following punch in the face would feel.
It's wrong. Number one: he's years older. Number two: he's high up in the Survey Corps chain of command, while Eren doesn't even have a place on it. Three: Captain doesn't have any interest in him or in pursuing such relationships. That's understandable; killing Titans takes precedence for both of them.
Just, sometimes... he wonders if Captain ever had a relationship with anyone from his old squad. The thought of it sends pangs of both jealousy and guilt through him.
"Jaeger?"
Eren looks up from this day's seven-on-ten tea. He hasn't been able to look properly at Captain recently.
"How are you feeling?" Levi's eyes on him are as they were when he had wiped away Eren's tears so many months ago.
Eren feels a wave of emotion wash over him at this question.
"I don't know, sir."
Captain doesn't reply to that. He still keeps looking at Eren, who grows very uncomfortable... but not really in the way Levi thinks.
"Eren - "
Out of his chair in a flash, Eren leans across the table with a deep breath, anticipating a very violent reaction, and grabs Levi's collar, dragging him forward for a messy and uncoordinated kiss. He isn't breathing; he isn't thinking, Captain's lips are so soft, and not moving -
He's pushed back with a powerful shove. He lands on the floor.
"Get up."
Eren gets to his feet. Unable, again, to look Levi in the eye.
"What the fuck was that?"
"I just - I have no excuse, sir, I'm sorry, I just wanted to know how it would feel to kiss - "
"Didn't you have Kirschtein for that?"
Captain is taking measured steps towards him, and he is taking measured steps backwards.
"No, sir, I meant kissing you."
For all his boldness earlier, he is fucking terrified right now.
"Hmm?"
Ah, there's the door, the doorknob pressing insistently into the small of Eren's back. Eren considers running away. But he has never run away, and never will.
"You... can do it again if you want to."
Eren can't believe his ears.
"What, sir?"
"Did I fucking stutter?"
Eren shakes his head, but doesn't lean down. Levi doesn't say anything, but when more than a minute of them staring at each other has passed, he mutters, "Get out of my office."
Eren does. Levi gives up hope.
The night before they undertake the 58th expedition beyond Wall Rose, Eren finds Captain alone in his room. They're housed somewhere in Karanese again, near the gate, and their horses are stabled nearby. Everyone, mostly, is either thinking about the last meal of their life or the meal they'll have when they return. Except Eren and Levi.
"What do you want?"
Eren quickly mumbles, "You said I could do it again if I want to. And - I want to. I really want to."
Levi really should pretend like he doesn't know what Eren's talking about, but he finds he doesn't want to.
"Sir," Eren adds as an afterthought.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes," Eren breathes.
"Why now?"
"I - just, I might die tomorrow, and because I think I love you, Captain."
"There is an entire platoon of soldiers protecting you tomorrow, and you can always turn into a Titan if things go wrong. Are you sure?" Gentler than before.
"Please, Captain, let me kiss you again."
So, Levi extends his arms slightly. Eren steps into them. The kiss is careful. Eren's eyes are closed. His cheeks are red. Levi closes his eyes too, and kisses him back. "I love you, Eren, so much," he whispers afterwards into Eren's ear, panting softly because both of them forgot to breathe during the kisses.
Eren hugs Levi in answer, burying his face in Levi's shoulder. Levi smiles, smiles and wraps his arms around Eren.
"We'll talk about this when we get back from the expedition," Levi says. Eren nods.
"I love you, Captain."
Levi can't believe it. He really can't. Perhaps there is some brightness in his life after all. He doesn't let go of Eren for a while.
Eren is so warm. He's so warm, and Levi has been so cold.