A/N: Have you ever heard a song that won't leave my mind? That's what happened to me with this. This story is drawn from the Gloriana song, "Can't Shake You." It's a one shot that wouldn't leave me alone. I hope you enjoy. Thanks!
Darkness. It's all around me even though the room is flooded with sunlight. No matter where I go, it's there. Where is this darkness coming from? It's streaming from the depths of my soul and throughout my body. Fuck, it hurts like hell. The one tinge of light I have is by doing the same thing I've done every morning for the past week, looking at the photo of her that I took on our first date. I may sound like a mad man, but I even talk to the photo. I can't help it. I can't shake her.
Meeting Anastasia Steele was like having a bucket full of cold water thrown at me, though a shock, it was eye opening and exhilarating. Before her, the only women I was involved with were subs. I took great pleasure in controlling those women and feeling nothing. All of that changed one day while I was in a Starbucks waiting on my coffee.
"No Elliot, I don't want to go out with you tonight. I've got a lot of work that needs to be dealt with.", I told my brother Elliot. "It's not some lame ass excuse. All right, bye." As I turned around, I crashed into the person behind me in line. "Fuck, I'm sorry."
"It's all right, no harm.", the voice before me said softly. Have you ever wondered what the voice of an angel sounded like? Well, that's the exact voice I heard coming from the petite beauty. Her chestnut hair flowed loosely down her shoulder. And her eyes? Fuck! Don't even get me started on the eyes. They were the clearest of blue that made me forget everything.
My ignorance of not paying attention paid off in a big way that day. After insisting that I buy her coffee, I convinced her to join me at one of the tables outside. I had a pile of work waiting on me in my office at GEH, but I didn't care. Getting to know Anastasia was my top priority for the day. She told me about growing up with her stepdad in Portland before moving to Seattle with her best friend Kate following college. She was working at a photography studio that was owned by a friend of hers. Jose was his name, and I already knew I didn't like him. From the way Ana talked, they were only friends, but I sensed Jose wanted more than that with her. The fucker wanted in her panties. Once coffee was over, we exchanged numbers. A day later, I called her and asked her out on a date which was completely out of my element. While past women were only subs, I wasn't sure if I would be able to convince Ana to be a sub. Part of me wanted to try a normal relationship, but I knew it was something that I wasn't capable of. It was on our fifth date that I dropped the bomb on her. I should have told her from the beginning, but something kept stopping me. Maybe I wanted to hold on to her as long as I could before I lost her.
"Ana, I enjoyed tonight.", I said as we arrived at my penthouse at Escala. "You are one spectacular woman."
"I had fun as well Christian." Before I knew what I was doing, our lips were on each other, my tongue dancing with hers. I've kissed many many times, but none of those kisses held a candle to that. I pulled off the white sweater that she was wearing on top of her yellow sun dress, and then my hands moved underneath the fabric of her dress, but she quickly moved away from me. "I can't do this."
"What do you mean? You were doing fine."
"No. I mean I can't have sex with you. Christian, there's something that you should know. I'm a...virgin." Virgin, one word that shifted the entire atmosphere around me. "I'm sorry."
"No, no, don't apologize. I just can't believe someone as breathtaking as you is still a virgin."
"This changes things, doesn't it?", she asked. As much as I wanted to say no, I knew that wasn't true. I was a monster who was undeserving of such a beauty.
"It's not that I want things to be different, but there's something that you should know about me." Her blue eyes searched mine as I took her hand and led her upstairs to the room where I found my contentment.
"You're a virgin too?", she asked in a hopeful voice.
"Far from it. Ana, I want you to know the real me." Taking a deep breath, I opened the door to my playroom. All I could hear was a small gasp from behind me. When I turned around, I saw the fear in splashed across her face.
"What is all of this?" Her arms waved around the room at the sex toys that were on full display.
"These are the things that I use on women." She slowly walked into the room and picked up a riding crop that had been laying next to the four poster bed.
"You use this on women? Why would you do such a thing?" I cautiously approached her and took the riding crop from her hand, our eyes never moving away from each other. "Answer me."
"Ana, I use this on women who are willing and ready. I don't do it against their will. It's part of who I am, a dominant."
"A dominant? Ok, where's the hidden camera.", she laughed while looking around the room. "This is some kind of a joke, right? Kate and I watched that movie Secretary which left me in complete shock. There is no way that you're into that lifestyle."
"It's true. Before you, I had never been on a date. Subs were all I knew."
"If you think for one minute that I'm going to let you do this to me, you're wrong."
"Ana." Her hand went up to stop me from continuing.
"Is this what you want? Me as a submissive?" I should have said no. I wanted her in any way that I could get her, but I knew that I was nothing more than a monster who didn't deserve more. My next word was the beginning of the end.
"Yes." If I could go back in time and change things, I would in a heartbeat. I would take back that damn three-letter word and instead say no. All emotions drained from her face as she stared at me for a few minutes before walking out of the playroom and downstairs.
"It was nice meeting you Christian, but you and I both know this isn't going to work. I'm not in any way the kind of girl that you need. I'm the kind of girl who is looking for a man who will make me laugh and hold her hand during a scary movie. I want someone who treats me as their equal. I want someone who will give me my happy ending."
"You deserve that.", I told her. "At least let me drive you home."
"No, I can get a cab. I think the less time I'm around you, the better." She turned her back to me and began walking away, but she turned around and looked at me one last time, giving me the tiniest smile that cut through the place in my body where a heart would be found if only I had a heart. "Goodbye Christian."
"Goodbye Ana." With that, she walked out of the penthouse and out of my life. It wasn't until the next day that I found the sweater that she had worn. It still smelled of her, sweet and innocent.
I miss her more than I thought was possible. How can someone who I just met have my brain so warped? Is it possible that I can be the guy who holds her hand during a scary movie? You're worse than some of the villains in those movies! How will I know if I don't try?
"Mr. Grey, can I get you something to eat?", my housekeeper Ms. Jones asks from outside my closed door. She's been checking on me constantly since my exile from the outside world. I think she's making sure I'm still breathing.
"No, I'm fine." Usually, I hear her walk away immediately after telling her no, but not this time.
"Sir, I know that I may be overstepping my boundaries, but may I suggest that you take better care of yourself?"
"What would be the point in that? Do you know that I'm a pathetic excuse for a human being? Admit it, you and the rest of the staff know what kind of a person I am."
"While I don't know what has you in such a state, I do know that you are not a pathetic excuse for a human being. In the years that I've worked for you, I admit that I've seen things which have left me speechless, but I also know there is more to you. You've always been the kind of man who doesn't give up easily on things. You're not afraid to take chances." Take a chance? "Nothing is impossible unless you make it that way." She's right. I've never laid down and given up. It may not be easy, but if being with Ana is what I want, I need to take a gamble.
"Thank you Gail.", I tell her. I pull myself up from the bed and look into the mirror at the reflection of a man that I don't recognize. Fuck, I look like a man twice my age. Circles are underneath my eyes while my complexion is pale. "I'm going to fix this."
Moving to the bathroom, I step into the shower and begin washing away the bad thoughts of the past few days. Once I'm finished, I dry off and dress in a pair of jeans and white linen shirt. I look somewhat decent.
"I don't know if I can make this right, but I need to try.", I whisper to the photo.
After getting into my R8, I make the drive to the apartment that Ana shares with Kate. It was on the second date that I met Kate, and I could see that she is protective of Ana which isn't a bad thing. I just hope she's not at the apartment, ready to kick my ass. I take a long and steady deep breath before walking to Ana's door.
"Just a minute.", I hear from inside. A few seconds later, Ana opens the door. Like me, she looks like she hasn't slept in days, but she's still beautiful. "Christian, what are you doing here?"
"Can I come in?"
"Um, I guess." She opens the door and motions for me to come inside. "I know that you weren't just in the neighborhood so why don't you cut to the chase and tell me why you're here."
"How have you been?", I ask.
"Do you care?"
"Yes, more than you know." Her eyes move to the sweater that I'm holding in my hand. "You forgot this."
"I know. I was going to go back for it, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Thanks for bringing it." As she reaches for it, her hand brushes against mine, sending sparks between us. "Back to why you're here."
"In the past, I was the one who had full control over what happened between me and a woman. There were never any feelings besides sexual ones. That changed when I bumped into you at the Starbucks. Even though a normal relationship is foreign to me, I want to try it with you."
"By taking me into that room of yours?"
"By taking you out for dinner, by listening to you tell me about your day, and by holding your hand during scary movies. It's not going to be easy, but it's not impossible."
"That sounds nice, but I can't help but think I'm not going to be enough for you. You say now that you want to try, but later on you may wake up and realize you made a mistake.", she says while walking to the window. I walk up behind her and place my hand on her shoulder, but she doesn't remove it.
"The only mistake I made was letting you walk away from me. You've captivated in a way unlike any other woman. No matter what I do, I can't shake you." Slowly, she turns around to me, cupping my face in her hand.
"Christian, there's something I need to tell you." Anxiety runs through my body while I wonder what she has to tell me.
"Too little, too late, huh?", I ask. A smile that will forever be etched in my mind appears across her mouth.
"I can't shake you either."