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MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!
NED FLANDERS…
…VS…
OH GOD… REALLY? WE'RE BRINGING IN HIM NOW? OUT OF ALL PEOPLE? THIS ASSHOLE? WHATEVER; FLANDERS WILL OWN HIM, SO FINE…
…CLAY PUPPINGTON!
BEGIN!
Clay Puppington:
Oh, that's just great: now the yellow people are moving in.
If this turns out like last time, we'll end up burning down Moralton.
Think you're a Christian paradigm? I'd say you misrepresent.
You don't even follow any of the Lost Commandments,
Most relevant to you of which is this little adage:
"Though shalt not bastardize the American language!"
You talk like they did right after the fall of Babel…
…Possibly due to biting into too many Krabappels.
You're too soft! Remember: "Spare the Todd, spoil the child",
And recall that, without discipline, you yourself ran wild.
Your turf is full of dangerous free–thinkers, while mine
Is a perfect Protestant paradise where everything's fine.
You scream like a woman and have that stupid "Leftorium";
As mayor, I'm putting your words on indefinite moratorium!
You're a passive pushover; I'm a regular Alpha male,
So let this battle mark the second time that Flanders has failed!
You're far from perfect, so stop acting so smugly,
Lest we resume this more privately… in my study.
Ned Flanders:
I thank the Good Lord for this blessed opportunity
To condemn this scoundrel with righteous brutality!
Whoever made this matchup was setting you up for a fall.
It almost feels like I'm fighting no one at all! (echoes)
Don't you chastise me with your phony, made–up rules, buddy.
Ditch your drinking den and take up some real Bible study!
See, you claim to know all God's rules, yet apparently missed
At least half of the actual commandments from Exodus!
Now, I never claimed my way of life to be perfected,
But hey, at least I know it isn't downright defective!
Your whole city's a backwards dystopia full of phonies,
All of whom I could biddy–slap with my right hand only.
How'd you ever become mayor; who in God's name counted that vote?
You may be an Alpha male, but I'm a charging Mountain Goat!
Now, I'm a very forgiving man, but it's quite hard to dismiss
The way you diddled Coach Stopframe and his bountiful penis!
…Or maybe not, since, as your sins go, that's one of the lesser ones,
Compared to, say, I don't know… SHOOTING YOUR OWN SON!
Clay Puppington:
Ned, I think you're standing near another major gas leak.
Stop spouting nonsense before I make you turn the other cheek!
…Okay, fine! I admit it… but she cheated first,
And with the same guy, no less; why should I feel remorse
When that lying shrew never loved me? She's the one who coerced
Me to drink, and yet we still refuse to get divorced
Because we're above breaking such a consecrated sacrament,
Just like we would never stoop to parental abandonment.
Hate away on me all you want for the hunting incident,
But remember: if that counts as more than just an accident,
Then so does the time you and your blundering "neighborino"
Committed drunken bigamy at that sleazy casino!
(Becoming increasingly hysterical)
…YOU CAN'T HONESTLY JUDGE ME! You don't understand my pain.
I've been through trauma far worse than any hurricane!
I know you like to see yourself as some sort of white knight,
But you'd be just like me if your life were as full of bright!
Ned Flanders:
Your excuses for your sins are woefully inadequate;
As you yourself once said, there are no accidents.
No "tragic past" is sufficient to excuse your behavior.
A father as bad as you makes my oaf of a neighbor
Look like that Atticus fella from To Kill A Mockingbird.
You disgust me so much, I'm on the verge of using swear words!
Think your terrible life earns you automatic sympathy?
Well, guess what, pal: I've endured comparable tragedy,
But in the long run, nonetheless kept my faith and morality.
You know who else that also goes for? Your own abused progeny!
I'm thinking that your issues with your mommy and daddy
Were a test of faith from God; a test that you failed, badly!
I ask you: have you ever even tried to give up booze?
Barney proves anybody can get sober if they choose!
You've become a monster, and have only yourself to blame.
You're the most vile claymation since Satan, from Mark Twain!
Clay Puppington:
(Ragingly drunk at this point)
(Hysterical moans/screams for the length of a couplet)
Sit down and shut up! I don't need to be sober
To beat you with my belt over and over and over
And then choke you with my jacket, squeezing out your life
Until you succumb to death by shirt, just like your wife!
"Comparable tragedy"? Your life is Heaven next to mine;
I see you as the Homer Simpson to my Frank Grimes!
You're everything I hate about the damned human race…
…I'll shoot you in both legs… and then… in the face!
That's not even a diss! I mean it, and here's why:
I HOPE YOU DIE!
(Whimpering) …I hope we both die…
Ned Flanders:
So, you've shown your true nature, just like I knew you would,
And I know better than to look at you as "misunderstood".
The wreck standing before me isn't the animal you've become;
I'm convinced that it's the real you, and has been all along.
Making fun of my wife's death? Now, that is a low blow.
It proves you're worse than either Frankenstein or Dr. No!
Everyone hates you: your wife, your son, the reverend.
Your job, marriage, life and soul are all at a dead end!
You ugly, hate–filled, pathetic, hopeless hypocrite!
I'd physically strike you, but you're not even worth it.
You're alrea–diddly in Hell; it's too late to repent!
Clay, you're the worst human being I've ever met.
WELL, I'LL BE DAMNED IF THAT WASN'T A STRONG CANDIDATE FOR THE DARKEST RAP BATTLE IN EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY… ERM… HISTORY!
(Background chanting: DARKEST RAP! DARKEST RAP! DARKEST RAP!)
WHO WON?
WHO'S NEXT?
I DECIDE!
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!