Hey everybody. RayQ Cina here with another fic. This one is a RWBY one-shot heavily based on Episode 31 of Dragon Ball Z Abridged and about a character that I honestly have mixed feelings about. That character being everyone's favorite blonde brute: Yang Xiao Long. I can see why people like her, and I don't judge them for it. But there's just something about her that rubs me the wrong way.
But just because I'm not that big a fan of her, doesn't mean you guys can't be. In fact, I commend those who like her even though I don't. That just means you don't let anyone else's opinions influence yours, which is very admirable.
With all that out of the way;
RWBY is owned by Rooster Teeth Productions and the late Monty Oum. Please support the official release.
EDIT: Accidentally marked this fic as In-Progress when I uploaded. Fixed it to "Completed." Sorry to those expecting a follow-up chapter.
Weiss Schnee needed a crew of 30 men in order to lift the last oarfish she had caught out of the water. The other 8 oarfish captured today would be sufficient for dinner. Thank goodness Atlesian Oarfish were both very common and edible, unlike their tropical counterparts in Mistral and Menagerie. When it came to preparing food, no one could prepare such a creature as a feast quite like Klein.
But this specimen was a sight to behold; 21 feet long with a primarily cream-colored body and red eyes with long, pinkish antennae above them. Additionally, there were it's long, hair-like fins on it's sides, which began thin and thickened towards the tips. On top of its relatively small head was a straight spike. Running down either side of its neck were three black slits, it's gills most likely. But the lower half of the serpentine body was the eye-catcher; a patterning of blue and pink, diamond-shaped scales thinly outlined with black. The tail consisted of four large, blue fins with pink ovals in their centers. Each of the tail fins overlapped the next slightly, causing it to resemble a fan.
Such a magnificent looking creature shouldn't be eaten.
"This one is so beautiful!" Weiss exclaimed. "Get it into a separate tank. I must have this creature on display in my personal aquarium."
All 30 of the men holding the majestic animal groaned, but carried it to a separate tank nonetheless.
"I'll be sure to add more to your paychecks for it, I promise." Weiss said. They all sighed with relief before starting up both trucks and heading towards Schnee Manor. Weiss wiped the sweat from her forehead. It took quite a bit of work getting those oarfish. Good thing it was Summer and they were plentiful in the southern shores of Atlas this season.
Weiss was about to head to her luxury Ferrari when another car, a particularly snazzy-looking Lamborghini Gallardo, pulled up near the shore she was at.
Then a woman came out of the car.
A very familiar woman.
More specifically, the last person Weiss would ever think of owning such an expensive car.
"Heya, Weiss-cream!" Yang called out. "Watcha doin' out here?"
"Just… catching tonight's dinner. Truck's already left with 9 oarfish, one of which is being added to my aquarium." Weiss answered as she looked over Yang's stunning choice of attire. Black straight leg trousers, a long yellow V-neck coat with black fur rimming the cuffs and the end of the coat, and an ornament on the center of it, shaped as Yang's emblem, probably used as a fastener, with a black top underneath. The blonde also had black kitten heels and a yellow stripe on each shoe. The outfit was finished with a pair of designer sunglasses that would make Coco Adel blush madly. Overall, Yang looked incredibly formal. More than she would ever reasonably be.
"Ah, I see. Since Jacques-ass and Shitley are dead, you're your own food supplier. Neat." Yang said.
Weiss nodded before deciding to ask the big question. "So… any particular reason for the formal wear, Yang?"
Yang waggled her mechanical index finger back and forth. "Ah ah ah. My name is no longer Yang Xiao Long," she said as she winked. "My new name is Barbara Dunkleman."
Weiss blinked.
She blinked again.
"…I'm tempted to ask why…" the heiress eventually got out.
"Well I'll simplify it." Yang spared her. "You know how unbelievably overprotective my dad is, right?"
"Reasonably protective, considering it's you, but yes."
"Anyway, he never wanted me to become a Huntress in fear that he'd lose me. So just in case he was right, before I enrolled at Beacon, I took out a big life insurance policy on myself and left it to him without him knowing."
"I'd say that was depressing, but I'm busy being legitimately surprised you even know what that is." Weiss mused.
"Shut up." Yang snarked. "Anyways, apparently, I was paid off in triple because I was on campus during the Fall of Beacon. Funny, because before initiation, they had said, "Don't worry, Miss Xiao Long. There's no way you'd ever be killed or even crippled while you're on Beacon grounds.""
She then pulled back her right sleeve, flexing her mechanical arm. "Showed them!"
Weiss raised an eyebrow. "Uh-huh… well new name or not, I'm still going to call you Yang."
"Sure whatevs. I'll just say it's a nickname." Yang shrugged. She then holds a hand towards the snazzy car she came out of. "So, watcha think of my new ride?"
"Well, it's a very nice-looking car, I'll admit." Weiss answered.
"Not what I was referring to…"
Weiss raised her eyebrow again. What else did the blonde mean?
Then, the car door opened again. A woman stepped out of the car and began walking towards them. Or rather towards Yang.
"Barbiiieee! I broke a nail!" the new arrival complained. "Can I have a thousand Lien?"
"You can have two!" Yang responded gleefully.
'What?' Weiss thought as she observed this new woman. Her long hair was black with a purplish pink tinge at the tips and split into two long tails behind her. A large pink bow was tied on the back of her head along with a bang swept to the right of her face. She had golden eyes and her eyebrows were a thin oval shape. On her ears, she wore a pair of milky white pearl earrings. Her outfit consisted of a simple white t-shirt covered by an opened black sweatshirt and a pair of black denim shorts. On her feet, she wore a pair of black wedge shoes with a texture similar to leather, which had a shiny purplish pink material on the bottom and two pink buttons on either side of the ankle. Weiss' eyes then went back to the girl's hair, which was unbelievably shiny for some reason. Until she noticed the greyish underside of the hair had dozens of small suction cups all over it.
'Suction cups? Is she a cephalopod faunus of some sort?' the heiress pondered. She didn't think cephalopod faunus even existed. 'Well color me intrigued.'
Yang then put her robot arm on Weiss' shoulders with her actual arm held towards the other girl. "Weiss, this is my squid-faunus girlfriend, Callie Inkling. And just so you know, I am an amazing girlfriend…" the blonde bruiser boasted with a blush on her cheeks.
"Sure…" Weiss said as she looked over Callie. "So how exactly did you two meet?" she asked the two.
"We met at the bank." Yang answered. "I was there collecting my insurance money while Callie here was depositing money from her night job. I think she works as a waitress or something, because she was depositing lots of single digit lien cards."
'Oh gods, does that mean she's a…' Weiss quickly shut that thought out of her head.
"And me and my gorgeous, golden dandelion fell deeply, truly in love!" Callie demurred, holding her hands together on her cheek.
Yang blushed and held a hand behind her head. "She said she loves my rich personality," she began.
"And your wealth of knowledge." Callie finished with a wink.
"And her boobs are as big as mine!" Yang excitedly added.
"I noticed…" the heiress deadpanned in a totally-not-envious manner.
"So anyways, breast envy aside," Yang joked. "You're gonna be at the party tonight, right?"
"I would hope so." Weiss said in an obvious tone. "It's being held in my manor. And no, Barbara, we are not having it be 'Walking Dead' themed. Not after what happened last time."
"Buzzkill…" Yang said quietly. "Whatever. I'll ask Velvet about it. Anyways, Imma go meet up with Rubes and JNPR. See ya later, Weiss-cream!"
"It was nice meeting you, Whites Cheese!" Callie called out happily. "See you later at Seas Manyard!"
The couple got into Yang's fancy car and drove off. Weiss stayed a while before heading off to her Ferrari. "Well, say what you will about them, but at least Yang is happy again." The heiress said to herself. Yang was in quite the funk after she asked Blake out and she had rejected her. The cat-faunus had done it as gently as possible, but Yang still took it far too personally. But apparently, the buxom blonde has moved on. This Callie girl at least seemed to be a good person for Yang, if a bit air-headed.
That's when Weiss realized something about the squid-faunus in question.
'Black hair… golden eyes… oh my gods, Yang. You're still not completely over Blake, are you…' the heiress mentally sighed.
Later, at JNPR's Atlas vacation home …
Yang and Callie sat at the bench outside, the blonde blushing as she looked at Callie licking a popsicle. The rest of JNPR was lounging around outside, with Jaune at the grill and Ruby with him.
Pyrrha looked at Ruby with scorn. After everything they've all been through; the battle against the Deathstalker during Initiation, the Forever Fall incident, the great Food War, the Breach, the Vytal Festival, and finally, the Fall of Beacon. All of that, and her precious Arc-senpai chose Ruby over her!
She saved his life from that Ursa Major in Forever Fall! Sure, she still hadn't told Jaune about that, but semantics! Maybe he was still sour about being shoved into a locker. And in hindsight, running off to fight Cinder on her own was a stupid-ass idea. And yes, it was Ruby who showed up in time to save her and then proceed to cleave Cinder in half (which still mildly disturbed the spartan), but still! She did it all for Jaune! It's not like she was trying to be killed by Cinder, and leave Jaune with the guilt of knowing there wasn't a damn thing he could've done about it.
'…I think I just listed off every reason why Jaune should choose Ruby over me.' Pyrrha thought depressingly.
"So, Barbara," Ren said to the couple. "It was nice of you to introduce your girlfriend to us."
"Yeah! Congrats!" Nora chimed in. "Though, for a second I thought you were so depressed about Blake that you brought a hooker home."
"Nora!"
"What? You were thinking the same, Renny!"
"I can assure you that my darling beautiful Callie is no hooker!" Yang argued in defense of her girlfriend.
"Well, I suppose it depends," Callie explained. "Sometimes I take extra cash in the back room, but, those were always under the table, so I don't think they actually count."
Everyone stared at Callie in mild shock.
"…how much extra?" Pyrrha quickly asked.
"How much ya got?" Callie asked back seductively.
Meanwhile, in another plane of existence…
The Lord of Literature, Coeur Al'Aran watched as Pyrrha Nikos was attempting to get some from this 'Callie Inkling'.
"Nope!" Coeur shouted as he sent his spirit form to Remnant to fix this error.
Back on Remnant…
"Well, I have competed in several Mistral championships and was victo-" Pyrrha tried to boast before she got knocked over by Ruby.
"Ok, no." The red reaper announced, though for some reason it sounded like another voice was overlapping hers. "First of all, nobody gets to screw Pyrrha except for life."
Pyrrha groaned on the floor.
"And second of all; black hair and golden eyes? Really?" she continued as she looked at Callie, then turned to Yang. "Sis, you and I both know why you fell for Callie so easily. And for fucks sake, you need some damn help."
Yang pursed her lips in slight shame.
"So with that out of the way," Ruby said in her normal voice. "I'm sure there are other people you want to take Callie to meet, right? That includes Blake, Barbara."
"Well, funnily enough, we actually did meet up with Blake a while ago at her parents' place," Yang explained. "But she was busy pounding the tuna."
Everyone stared at Yang in shock.
"What? Ghira's super busy all the time, so Kali needs someone to do it."
Silence.
Then Nora was struggling to keep her laughter in.
"We also visited Ciel and Penny 2.0," Yang explained. "Buuuut…"
2 hours ago…
"Man, this beef bourguignon is delicious, Ciel!" Yang exclaimed.
"Merci beaucoup, Madamoiselle Yang. I had cooked everything myself." The dark-skinned girl said and nodded respectfully.
Callie then looked between Penny and Ciel, seeing their interlocked hands, and smiled.
"Aw you two are so cute together!" She cooed. "So if you two had babies, would they be little French girls or robots?"
"AND WE ARE LEAVING!" Yang yelled, blushing madly as she grabbed Callie.
"Our hypothetical offspring would most likely be Androids of French ethnicity." Penny 2.0 answered with no amount of shame.
Back to the present…
"I don't think we'll be going back there too often anymore." Yang finished.
Everyone looked at each other, blushes on their faces.
"Well, uh… congratulations to them?" Jaune said.
Later, at Schnee Manor…
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, VELVET!" Everyone exclaimed as they clinked their glasses of wine together.
The overwhelmed rabbit-faunus couldn't help but shed a tear in happiness. "Thank you! *sniffle* Thank you all so much for remembering my birthday!" she said happily as she stood over her enormous birthday cake that was almost as big as the table it was on. "I'd have never expected something so extravagant for my 21st Birthday!"
"Well of course, Velvet!" Ruby enthusiastically said. "You're one of our greatest allies and closest friends!"
"My birthday was last week, and I didn't get a party…" Neptune grumbled.
"You've been there with us since the start of our Beacon school year!" Jaune chimed in, unknowingly ignoring Neptune.
"Does anyone remember when I fought against Roman Torchwick?" The blue haired playboy asked.
"You're just as much a member of the family as all of us here, Velvet." Weiss concluded with a smile, intentionally ignoring Neptune.
"I literally live down the road…" said the aquaphobe with an ironic name.
Callie eyed Velvet for a second, before squealing in adoration. "Oh my gosh! I don't know whose birthday it is, but someone got them a bunny rabbit!" Callie cooed. Velvet's ears perked up at that while everyone else was busy with one another. "Barbie, can I have a bunny rabbit?"
"S-sure you can, baby!" Yang said with a massive blush.
"Ooh ooh, can it be this bunny rabbit?" Callie asked as she pointed at Velvet.
"Of course you can!" Yang answered.
"Yay!" Callie cheered before getting distracted by ice cream at another table.
Velvet got flustered and a bit angry. "Excuse me, Yang?! What the hell gives you the right to-"
"Velvet, be my wingman on this one!" Yang whispered aggressively. "And if I get some tonight, I swear to the gods I will send you pictures!"
Velvet blinked.
"Deal."
Later that night…
After a long night of partying hard, everyone had gone to bed, though while Weiss took the master bedroom, everyone else had to share Whitley's old room. Him and Jacques' deaths were probably the only good things to come out of Salem's attempted takeover of Atlas.
Anyways, Yang was out on the balcony overlooking Atlas. The cool summer breezes blowing around her nightgown clad body. The blonde bruiser just stared at the shattered moon, lost in thought.
"Yang?" An accented voice asked.
Yang looked back to see her rabbit-faunus friend clad in a brown tank-top and her panties.
"Watcha doin' out here? Why aren't ya sleeping with your girlfriend like everyone else is?" Velvet asked.
"Oh hey Velvet," Yang answered. "I'm just doing a bit of thinking to myself…"
"Thinking, eh?" Velvet asked as she walked over to stand next to Yang. "A penny for those thoughts?"
"It's about Callie…" Yang admitted. "It's just… I'm not sure if she actually loves me for who I really am. It's all presents and traveling and extravagant dishes…"
"Define 'extravagant.'" Velvet mused.
"Atlesian Megamouth Shark."
"Holy shit, those things are rarer than diamonds."
"Tell me about it." Yang agreed. "And it's just… I don't know if she loves Barbara… or Barbara's money…"
"Say, how much money do you even have?" Velvet asked.
"Eh, about 600k Lien. Give or take a few thousand."
"Wait, and all you got me was a gift card from Depth Inc.?"
"Not what we're talking about, Vel."
"Alright, alright. Listen," Velvet said, putting aside the topic of Yang's stinginess. "If Callie really loves you for who you are, then you have to talk with her and tell her the truth. Open up to her. It's the only way, Yang."
"You… you really think it'll work?" Yang asked.
"Well if it doesn't, you could always buy her a diamond ring." Velvet answered.
Yang stared.
"What? Bitch is a gold digger."
The next day, downtown…
Downtown Atlas was super busy, milling around with people doing shopping trips. Among this crowd, Callie was walking along the sidewalk with her purse in her hand, while Yang followed, her hands carrying stacks of boxes and shopping bags.
"Okay, so first we're stopping by Sugar Cube Corner because all their best cakes are on sale today!" Callie said to Yang without looking at her. "Oh, and I hope you remembered to make those reservations for Le Chateau Brionne at 10:30; I hear they're very uptight."
Yang just gazed thoughtfully at Callie's face from behind. 'Geez, can I actually go through with this? She just seems… so… happy…' she was losing focus as she stared at Callie's jean-clad butt as it swung back and forth whilst the girl walked. Yang violently shook her head. 'Dammit Xiao Long! Focus more on your problem and less on that perfect, heart-shaped pillow of an ass! Tonight, you will tell her… And then you will tap that!...'
The buxom blonde continued to stare at the squid-faunus' ass.
'Lord Monty pleeeeaaaase let me tap that…'
Later that evening, on the southern shore of Atlas…
We see our couple walking along the beach in bikinis, Yang walking ahead of Callie nervously. The squid-faunus however…
"Oh my god, I just love nice walks on the beaches. Oh, do you think if I swim out far enough, I'd reach Menagerie? *le gasp* Ohh my god, can we go on a sandals vacation, Barbie?"
"Um… Callie?" Yang finally worked up the courage to speak. "We… we need to talk."
"Oh don't worry about reservations, sweetie. I did them for you beforehand." Callie gleefully informed.
"No, not that…" Yang took a deep breath and turned to her girlfriend. Time to face the music. "I… need to come clean to you. You see, my name isn't Barbara Dunkleman. It's… Yang. Yang Xiao Long."
"Oh, it's still a pretty name!" Callie said. "*gaaaasssp* I'll call you 'Yangy-Tangy!'"
Yang curled her hands into fists as she struggled to keep her tears in. "That… isn't everything… you see, all of this Lien that I have? All of it was from my own life insurance policy… from when I was crippled. On Beacon's campus. Dismembered by a psychotic yandere terrorist, who in turn was under the thumb of a pyromaniacal witch, who in turn was under the thumb of basically the Devil."
Callie stared.
"…Uhhh-huh…"
"Look, what I need to ask is…" Yang began before grabbing Callie's hands, looking her right in her golden eyes. "…do you love me for me? Or do you love me for my money?"
Callie just smiled. "Ohhh, Yangy-Tangy. Of course I don't just love you for your money."
Yang felt her own eyes watering. "You… you really mean that?"
"I never even loved you at all!" Callie gleefully stated while winking.
Yang's heart fell right to the sand along with her face.
*grooooaaaaan*
She picked up her face.
"You couldn't have at least been a bit less blunt about it?" Yang asked glumly.
"No Yang, you don't understand. I was never actually your girlfriend." Callie informed.
Yang just stared in confusion.
"You see, I work with the Council of Atlas' Fraud Bureau, and you, darling, have just confessed to ludicrous amounts of insurance fraud." Callie explained.
Yang's jaw hit the sand beneath her.
"All of which was promptly recorded."
"W-what? You have a recorder on you? Where?!" Yang exclaimed.
Callie smirked. "Right here." She answered as she pulled down the front of her bikini bottom, displaying her nether regions… and the miniscule spherical device disguised as a vaginal piercing.
"GOD FUCKING DAMMIT! THE ONE PLACE I WOULD NEVER GET TO!" Yang screamed in frustration, before paling in terror. "Oh god, does this mean I'm going to jail?"
"Well, under normal circumstances, you would." The squid-faunus continued. "But do you have any idea what they do to people like you? No, you'll just have to pay back everything you owe."
Yang just sat on her knees, slack-jawed. "W-wait but what about the Lien I spent on you?"
"You'll just have to pay that out of pocket."
"BUT I DROPPED OVER THREE HUNDRED GRAND ON YOU!"
"Yang, sweetie, I work with the Council of Atlas." Callie demurred. "I never claimed to be a good person."
Later, at Schnee Manor…
"So, uh yeah… I kinda need a place to stay…" Yang solemnly explained.
Weiss sighed dramatically. "Klein, prepare my old room for Yang, please."
"Understood, President Schnee." Her faithful butler replied before leaving.
"Well Yang, you've really dug your grave with this one." Ruby stated with mild annoyance. Team JNPR nodded in agreement. At least Velvet looked on with immense sympathy.
"Yeah, yeah I know…" Yang grumbled, but then smiled. "But, you know what? Maybe staying single isn't so bad after all. No nagging women to nip at your heels."
A black Toyota suddenly pulled up in front of the Schnee Manor. A figure came out of the car and forced the manor doors open, revealing a very angry Kali Belladonna.
"Alright! I demand to know which one of you was responsible for spreading rumors that I've been forcing Blake to- and I quote- "POUND MY TUNA?!"" the MILF-faunus screamed.
Everyone turned to Kali.
"Look, Mrs. B, if it really upsets you, we can all take turns pounding your tuna, okay?" Yang explained bluntly. "But; only if we get to eat it together."
Silence fell.
Kali twitched.
Nora fell to the floor, laughing her ass off.
Ooh boy this took a while to write. And when I say a while, I mean literally the entire day today. In fact, by the time this fic is uploaded, it'll be half-past 3AM. Never let it be said that I'm not dedicated.
Btw, I don't actually dislike Pyrrha, nor do I believe that Coeur-senpai dislikes her. I'm actually okay with Pyrrha.
On another note, this entire fic was not for the sole purpose of bashing Yang. This setting was just stuck in my head for quite the long time. And by quite the long time, I mean before I started actually posting fics on this site.
Btw, in case descriptions of certain things confuse you:
1: Though this part is minor, the oarfish that Weiss caught at the beginning was a Milotic. No Pokeballs required.
2: Yang is wearing Cynthia's outfit from Pokemon Diamond, Pearl and Platinum.
3: In case it somehow wasn't super obvious by her name, Callie is based off of the Splatoon character by the same name.
That's all that was left to be said. Until next time.