Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in the Flash.

Set in the middle of Season 2 (ep. 16 roughly).

Chapter 1

Barry sits, twiddling his thumbs in his lap, as Cisco finishes explaining his fan-theory for the conclusion of Game of Thrones. Barry intermittently nods.

"I know I'm probably going to regret it, but what do you wanna talk about," Cisco asks.

I wonder what Zoom is doing right now. I wonder how many people have died on Earth 2 because we didn't stop him. Barry looks up and pauses for a second before he begins.

"Standford conducted a psychology experiment in the 60s where they put a marshmallow in front of a kid. They'd tell the kid that the researcher was leaving the room, but if the kid could wait and not eat the marshmallow until the researcher returned, the kid could get two marshmallows," says Barry moving his manic energy into swirling his cup of extra caffeinated 'Flash' coffee, "They were studying delayed gratification."

"Cool? Where are you going with this—," Cisco says appraising Barry with a questioning look.

"I just...I feel like…" Cisco waits. "...Iris is my marshmallow test."

Cisco purses his lips and leans back in his high-chair. "Mmm so you're saying that if you wait, you can have...two...Irises?"

With the existence of the multiverse, it is possible, thinks Barry, but the probability… He starts to wonder what qualifies as probable, as real, anymore. He wonders again how Eddie's sacrifice isn't enough to stop Eobard—how Eobard still exists to haunt him. He wonders how Jay could fool him, fool everyone, so thoroughly. Didn't I learn my lesson with the last version of Wells?

Cisco pokes Barry between the eyes, "Earth to Barry."

"Hm? I mean, no. No. I mean that—-I mean that I feel like I'm being tested." Barry leans over the table. "We both saw the by-line on that article from 2024: 'Iris West-Allen.' I mean…" Barry waves his hands and gives Cisco a meaningful look. Cisco squints back.

"Yeah, and we also saw that the Man in Yellow came from 2024. And then we saw him disintegrate like some sort of Voldemort here, in 2016, at S.T.A.R Labs."

Barry opens his mouth, but Cisco continues, "I also died last year in an alternate timeline? So I don't know, man, time's not really straightforward."

Barry's mouth snaps shut. The first thought to cross his mind is that that was also the timeline in which Iris confesses her love to him. He starts to argue that the Man in Yellow came back, or that Iris and him are married on Earth 2, or that maybe—just maybe—his love for Iris is a fixed point in time that has to yield their being together. He wonders if there is any point in time for him, any point that ensures his well being or peace of mind. Maybe I'm antithetical to continuity of time, and this is my punishment. Cisco's waiting for his comeback.

Barry nods conceding, "Ok you're right. Time's not set in stone and we definitely changed the timeline." He pauses for a long moment switching tactics,"But Iris has been at S.T.A.R Labs a lot lately and you've been working together on stuff right?"

"Yeah?"

"And she likes to be there-" It's not a question, but Barry leaves it hanging in the air for Cisco.

"I think so," Cisco says bemusingly watching Barry unroll what he already knows will be a drawn out line of reasoning.

"And we're—Iris and I—," Barry clarifies, before he's interrupted again.

"Are you asking me when I think Iris will be in love with you? Should I like use my powers or is this a hypothetical or—"

"No!" Barry yells abruptly. Various people in line for coffee and lounged around the shop turn to look at him and Cisco. Barry is bright red, Cisco is holding in a laugh. Barry looks directly into his coffee and wonders whether or not he can open a singularity here and now to suck him out of this nightmare.

Time seems to crawl to a stop. Time is a circle, and he's having this conversation on a constant loop—Picking petals off a flower like a child, waiting for the last petal to be "she love me" at last. His cheeks burn from the embarrassment. Why did he ask Cisco anyway? Why has he brought this up to Felicity, and Joe, and Caitlin? Stupid. The hot feeling in his face seems to intensify into a wet heat behind his brown lashes. His brows knit together and suddenly he needs air. He pushes the his chair back from the table, "I just remembered: I've gotta go help with police stuff," he mumbles. He manages a choked "sorry" before rushing away. Outside he picks a direction and runs as fast as he can.

He runs around Central City, what feels like, a couple hundred times. He sees a montage of explosions, buildings falling, the sky opening, the air rippling into breaches. Faster. Yet there is no street, no alley, no corner that his failures have not touched. He runs to Starling City. Scenery blurs by him. He wonders how all these people can just carry on with their day as though everything is alright, as though it's safe to be here. Maybe without him there it is safe. It's a mixed blessing that no one from the station or S.T.A.R Labs calls. Part of him would love to throw everything at a deserving meta, but he keeps running. He runs for miles. Faster.

He thinks he can outrun himself.

He doesn't know where he's going until he's there. Then three miles outside of Central City, in the crater Ronnie and Professor Stein created separating from one on another, Barry stops. He blasts the crater hole deeper with his lightening. He punches the burned husks of trees and throws rocks. Every undulation of the ground carries the face of a meta he's tried to stop. Every scorched branch is a family who lost someone because he was too slow to save them. The wind mutters, "too slow, too slow." When his body finally gives out, he slumps to his knees. A futile cry escapes his lips. Then he screams—louder—into the empty air.

He's throwing a tantrum like a child and he knows it, but the catharsis of release is too overwhelming to stifle. Hot tears roll down his face leaving pink streaks through the dirt.

Barry stays in the crater until the stars have come out in their full splendor. I'm so small, he thinks, and so pathetic. The growl of his stomach rouses him at last. Reluctantly he returns to Central City. As he crosses out of the wilderness his phone vibrates: 6 missed texts.

Cisco: if your finished at CCPD come check out mods I made to my glasses! #dopeAF

Cisco: k I can't wait anymore *attachment*

Joe: Wally and Iris are comingfor dinner

Joe: We're getting Chinese takeout. Want anything?

Cisco: Dude, I really need you to acknowledge the badassery I've created here…

Iris: Dad just told asked Wally if he's ever heard of Billy Holiday and now he's singing XD. Where are you?

He also has 2 missed calls and voicemails from Joe and Iris. His green eyes fix to the screen blankly for several seconds before he slips the phone back into his suit with a sigh. The thought of Chinese food appeals to his stomach. It's 2:34AM, Wally and Iris have probably gone back to their own houses by now.

He opens the door as quietly as possible.

"Welcome back, Bar," says Joe from the couch.

"Joe. You're still awake," Barry sighs.

"Well it's 3 in the morning and my son, who happens to be a superhero didn't come home and wasn't answering his calls."

Barry sighs too exhausted to reply and slouches into the kitchen. "Is there still Chinese food," he asks opening the beer he finds on the counter and rummaging through the refrigerator. He finds a stack of takeout cartons behind the orange juice and dumps them unceremoniously into a mixing bowl.

"Barry," says Joe from behind him, moving out of the way as Barry pulls the biggest available fork from the drawer. "What's going on with you?"

"Jus- hungry," Barry slurs between giant bites. Joe continues waiting for a real answer. After half an hour of watching his son eat through the leftovers, the Cheerios, the tuna salad, the oatmeal creme pies, and the bananas, Joe realizes that Barry's not talking and that he has to be at CCPD in less than 5 hours. He squeezes Barry's shoulder before heading upstairs,"You're buying groceries."

As Joe disappears Barry pulls out his phone and listens to the message Iris left him on his voicemail. Her voice is so bright. When he closes his eyes he can see her laughing as she recounts dinner. The message concludes,"...I missed you tonight. Even with Wally here, it's not really a family meal without you. Call me, let's have coffee or something soon."

He doesn't realize he's been holding his breath until it rattles out of him.