"Hey, Cisco," Barry called to him from across the lab, "You want to, uh, hang out tonight?"
Cisco slipped on his coat and thought for a second. 'Hang out' had become their new code word for 'fuck'. "Sure. My place?"
Barry nodded and gave a small half-smile.
"Great, see you there." Cisco smiled back. He walked outside to his car and got in. He sat in the seat, sighing to himself.
He already knew how this night would go. Barry would be waiting when he got there, then they would go inside, then they would fuck, and then Barry would leave, and pretend as though nothing had happened. Cisco's heart ached at the thought of started the car and began the short drive to his apartment.
He and Barry had started this routine a few weeks ago. Cisco had been comforting Barry about Iris, then Barry had said something about how maybe he just needed to fuck someone to get his mind off her. So Cisco had, without thinking, given in to his impulses and kissed Barry as a way of offering himself. After Barry recovered from his shock, one thing led to another and now here they were. Friends with benefits. Fuck buddies. Barry used Cisco to dull the pain of his unrequited feelings for Iris, while Cisco just took what attention he could get from the man he had been pining after for so long.
Cisco arrived at his apartment building and got out of the car. He climbed up the stairs and saw Barry waiting at the end of the hall, leaning against the door to his apartment.
"What took you so long?" Barry teased, his face lighting up as he saw Cisco approach.
"Shut up, dude. It was only like fifteen and a half minutes." Cisco grinned. The bittersweet feelings grew with each step. He pulled out his keys and opened the door. They both walked in and removed their coats and shoes.
"How've you been feeling? About, y'know... her." Cisco asked casually as they made their way to his bedroom. Barry made a pained expression.
"I don't know. She's still so... I guess I'm just... still kind of in love with her." The words cut Cisco like a knife.
"Oh. Well... sorry." Cisco wasn't sure what to say.
"It's alright. That's why we're doing this, right?" Barry said, masking any sadness with a cheerful tone.
"Right." Cisco said, disagreeing internally. They stopped in front of Cisco's bed.
Barry stepped closer to him, their bodies just barely touching. He cupped Cisco's face in his hands and leaned down. Barry pressed their mouths together, hard and slow. Cisco wrapped his arms around Barry's waist, pulling them closer together.
Barry broke away and began to trail gentle kisses down Cisco's neck, stopping at his collar bone. Cisco's arms unwrapped and he slid his hands under Barry's shirt, feeling the toned body beneath it. Barry pulled off his shirt, and proceeded to hastily remove Cisco's as well.
Barry pushed Cisco onto the bed and straddled him, kissing him sloppily as he unbuttoned his pants. Cisco followed suit, kicking off his own as best as he could with the man practically sitting on him. Cisco could feel Barry getting hard already.
Barry slid one hand into Cisco's boxers and began stroking his length, using his other hand to pin Cisco's arms over his head. Cisco felt pleasure go through his body and moaned. Barry shifted his body slightly, and moved his mouth to Cisco's chest. Barry began to suck on one of Cisco's nipples, swirling over it with his tongue.
Cisco breathed heavily. He pulled his hands free and ran one hand through Barry's hair, the other pulling down the boxers of the man on top of him. Right now, all he wanted to think about was how good Barry was making him feel, and tried to dismiss the nagging thought that he was just being used.
Barry stopped what he had been doing, and pulled Cisco's boxers off. He spread the smaller man's legs and positioned himself.
"You ready?" Barry panted. Cisco nodded. Barry entered him, closing his eyes. Barry waited for Cisco to get over the initial discomfort. Cisco nodded again to signal Barry. He began thrusting, building speed.
Cisco gasped and dug his fingers into the sheets. He could feel the speedster lightly vibrating inside him. He exhaled Barry's name and arched his back, bucking his hips into each thrust.
Barry moaned and panted, his breath becoming shorter. His fingers pressed into Cisco's hips.
"Un.. Cisco, I'm... gon... I..." Barry uttered, thrusting harder. Cisco was about to come, too. He began stroking his own cock and came, inhaling sharply as the pleasure rocketed through him.
"Barry!" Cisco gasped.
Then Barry came inside him, eyes closed, and whispered, "Iris!"
Cisco's heart stopped. He wanted to throw up. Or cry. Or both.
Barry pulled out slowly. He sat still for a few minutes as he regained his composure. Cisco sat up and scooted to the edge of the bed. He grabbed his boxers and slipped them back on.
Barry pulled his own boxers back up and buttoned his pants. Cisco watched as he got off the bed and grabbed his shirt off the floor. Barry avoided looking at him.
Barry finished getting dressed, and Cisco walked him to the door. Cisco tried to maintain a neutral face.
"Well... goodnight, I guess." Barry said, looking down at his hands.
"Yeah. Goodnight." What else could Cisco say? Barry took a few steps out the door, then turned around to face Cisco again. He met Cisco's eyes and opened his mouth to say something, but stopped himself. He looked down again and ran his fingers through his hair, then he was gone in a burst of wind.
Cisco shivered and shut the door. He went back to his room and sat on his bed. The bed they had fucked on so many times before. He was still in shock over what Barry had said. Her name. The name of the woman that Barry had been trying to get over by having sex with Cisco.
Cisco couldn't help but wonder if Barry had been imagining Iris the entire time. If all the kisses and gentle touches had been meant for her. Had he only done it this time? Or had it always been about pretending to be with her?
He felt like his heart was being ripped to pieces. Cisco hoped that one kiss, one single kiss, had been for him. However, with that name being said, he knew that none of them had ever been for anyone but Iris. Tears stung in his eyes, but he blinked them away.
Cisco stood up and grabbed a spare blanket from his closet. He couldn't be in this room right now. He walked to the small living room and plopped down onto his couch. It was only nine-thirty, but he was exhausted.
He covered himself up and lied down. Sleep came quickly.
Cisco kissed Barry. He ran his hands down the other man's body, feeling every curve, every imperfection. Barry did nothing. Cisco kissed him harder, hoping to get some sort of response. Barry pushed him back roughly.
"You're disgusting." Barry sneered, staring straight into Cisco's eyes. Well, Cisco thought, that wasn't quite the response he'd been hoping for. "Did you really think I could love you? All you're good for is getting fucked."
Cisco staggered backwards, his face contorted in pain and confusion. Iris appeared and walked to Barry, grabbing his hand.
"You aren't even good at that." Iris laughed.
"But... I thought..." Cisco mumbled, looking at Barry's cold expression.
"Thought what? That if you could delude yourself into thinking I liked you, then maybe it would be true?" He smirked. "No. Not even one kiss was for you. Not one touch, not one gasp. Nothing. It was always for Iris. And you? You were just a cheap substitute."
Cisco sank to the ground. They continued to slander him, calling him "repulsive", "useless", and more. Tears slipped down his face, and he made no attempt to stop them.
Cisco felt himself being shaken awake. He turned to face the person. To his surprise, it was Barry.
"What? What are you doing here?" He yawned, furrowing his brows.
"Dude, we called you, like, ten times! You're late for work!" Barry exclaimed. "You need to- Hey, wait, are you okay? Were you crying?" Barry gestured to Cisco's cheeks.
Cisco felt his face, which was indeed wet, and realized he must've been crying in his sleep or something. He wiped his face off.
"Uh, yeah, I'm fine. Just had a dream about, um, dead puppies." Barry looked at him funny.
"Oookay." Cisco sat up and swung his legs over the edge of the couch. "Anyway, you need to get ready, Dr. Wells needs you there like, right now. I'll bring you over there once you're dressed." Cisco nodded and went to go take a speed shower.
He found himself annoyed at Barry's nonchalance. It was as he expected Barry to behave, but it still made his anger bubble up inside. Cisco turned off the shower and toweled himself dry.
He rushed out of the bathroom and pulled on some jeans and a t-shirt. Cisco grabbed his pants off the floor from yesterday and pulled his phone out of the pockets. It was nine twenty-six, and his phone was almost dead. He should have been at work an hour ago. Shit, he thought. He slipped his shoes on and grabbed his keys.
Barry had been waiting in the living room, tapping his feet and checking his watch every so often. He looked up as Cisco walked out, then looked away again.
"Ready?" Barry asked, standing up.
"Yeah." Cisco pulled on his coat. "Dude, I can just drive over, you don't need to take me."
"Nah, it's fine. I don't mind. Plus, we really need to hurry." He scooped Cisco up. "Let's go!"
Everything became a blur, and the wind threatened to peel Cisco's skin off. Cisco counted four seconds before they stopped. Barry set the smaller man down at the entrance to the lab.
Cisco apologized to Dr. Wells for being late and promptly began working on the assigned project. He worked silently, trying to block out any thoughts about Barry, which was becoming increasingly difficult as the speedster was flitting around the room. Cisco wished that Barry had had to go to his own job today, but instead he had the day off, and Dr. Wells was using the extra time to his advantage.
Barry stopped in front of Cisco's work table. He peered down at what Cisco was doing. Cisco felt the anger and sadness burble up as the sight of Barry's face brought back everything about last night.
"Hey, what'cha making?" Barry asked, making small talk for no apparent reason.
"A device that creates radio-waves from the excess kinetic energy that you generate when running. It'll just make the com's have a longer range, and you'll be able to talk to us while you're running at super-speed." Cisco didn't look up at him. He had hoped the explanation would suffice, and that Barry would leave him alone, but Barry stayed, watching Cisco's fingers weave wires onto a small circuit board.
Barry must want something, Cisco thought. So what was it? Did he want to 'hang out' again? To pretend that he was fucking Iris again? Cisco winced. That subject still stung, even when his own brain brought it up.
"Hey," Barry said in a low whisper, "Can we talk? About... everything." Cisco looked up. A mixture of worry and surprise swam over him.
"Right now?" He asked, keeping his voice equally quiet.
"Yeah. Meet me in the bathroom?"
"Fine." Barry walked to the door of the lab and left. Cisco followed a moment later, pausing to gather strength. This talk could go a couple different ways, and Cisco wasn't sure which he wanted more.
He opened the door to the bathroom and saw Barry standing by a stall, hugging his arms to his body. Barry glanced at the door as it swung shut, then met Cisco's eyes.
"I'm sorry." Barry blurted. "I shouldn't have said her name last night, I wasn't thinking and it just... came out."
"Like that's any better." Cisco snorted.
"I know. It's just, I realized that you've just been trying to be a good friend and help me get over Iris, and thinking that you hadn't helped me move on at all probably hurt you. But you have been helping me, really."
"Unbelievable." Cisco whispered. "Are you being serious? Do you really think that's why I've been doing all this? That that's what me being upset is about?"
"Well... yes?" Barry sounded unsure now. Cisco took a step closer.
"Really, dude? You think I'm hurt because I 'didn't help you move on'?" He hissed, making air quotes with his fingers. "I'm hurt because you said her name, when you should have said mine! I'm hurt because you fucked me over and over and over again, and still could only think about Iris, even when you were literally balls deep inside of me!" Barry looked ashamed and shifted uncomfortably.
"I'm hurt because I'm fucking in love with you, Barry," Cisco lowered his voice as hot, angry tears rolled down his cheeks, "and you just used me so you could pretend to fuck someone else."
Barry looked like he'd been slapped. He opened his mouth to say something, but Cisco left before he could utter a single noise.
Cisco stormed back to his worktable, swiping at the tears that seemed to keep pouring out. Caitlin glanced over at him from across the room, eyes full of concern. Cisco guessed she had probably heard him shouting, and, at this point in their friendship, knew to keep her distance until he came to her. But, uh-oh, he thought, if she had heard him shouting then that meant-
"Is everything alright, Cisco?" Dr. Wells asked, driving his wheelchair closer to Cisco. "We heard you yelling at Barry in the bathroom."
Cisco prayed to any gods possibly in existence that Dr. Wells had not heard clearly what he'd said to Barry. He wiped away the last of the tears and took a deep breath.
"Everything's fine." He said, nodding his head. Dr. Wells raised one eyebrow.
"Of course. Your crying really emphasizes that statement." Cisco shrugged and didn't say anything. "Well, if you'd like to talk about it." He patted Cisco on the back and left him alone.
Cisco didn't see Barry for the rest of the day. He wasn't sure whether to feel sad, angry, or relieved.
He left work early that night, partially because he would need to walk the few miles home before it got dark, as Barry had been his morning transportation, and partially because it was hard to keep your mind off someone when your entire job revolved around them.
Cisco was eating a pack of Twizzlers as he walked. He quietly hummed the song "You Make Me Crazy" as he watched the sun set. Suddenly, someone picked Cisco up.
Cisco yelped and dropped his candy. Then the wind rushed around him and everything blurred together. They stopped outside his apartment. He recognized the strong arms holding him as they set him down.
"Dude, what the heck!? You made me drop, like, an entire thing of Twizzlers!" Cisco exclaimed.
"Oh, sorry, man. I'll get you more, I promise." Barry said sheepishly. For a moment, things seemed normal again, but then Cisco remembered exactly why he had been so angry earlier, and he sighed.
"What do you want, Barry?"
"I need to finish apologizing. I'm sorry I am such a stupid idiot about everything. I was wrong about what I thought you were upset about. I didn't... I never realized that it was anything more to you than just sex. God, I wish I had." Cisco hugged himself and kept listening. "What I said earlier, you were helping me move on. You are. I've just been so in love with Iris for all these years, that I don't think I'll ever stop loving her, but it's turning into a different kind of love. More like love for a friend, or sibling."
"But what about last night? You said her name when we were..." Cisco sighed. How could Barry still not get it?
"I know, and it was horrible. I just kinda had Iris in the back of my head from us talking about her earlier, and it really was just an accident. God, Cisco, I'm so sorry." Cisco fidgeted with the strings on his hoodie. He wanted to forgive Barry, to say it was all okay and that they could go back to how it had been before, but he couldn't deal with that pain anymore.
"I accept your apology, but that doesn't mean things are okay. I know I started this thing with us, but now, I have to end it. We can't keep fucking and then just pretend that it never happened. I don't want to be used by you so you can imagine you're with someone else."
"Cisco, I never pretended you were anyone else!" Barry exclaimed, shaking his head and taking a step towards Cisco. "I wanted to be with you. You know the way you helped me start to get over Iris? By making me fall in love with you."
Cisco was stunned. He hadn't expected Barry would say that. Barry continued, "I never wanted to just use you, and I'm sorry I made you feel that way by being stupid and not knowing how to handle all this. Just please, don't think that you weren't the one that I wanted to be with. I know that we can't keep doing what we were doing, but I hope we can still keep being friends?"
Cisco looked down somberly. His heart hurt from this. He wanted more than anything to be able to kiss Barry and say he was Cisco's boyfriend, but a real relationship like that would have to wait. Maybe if things went smoothly they could eventually wind up dating, but Cisco thought it would be best if they just took it slow. So, just friends it was.
"Yeah," Cisco said looking up at Barry, "Let's do that." Barry smiled and tentatively pulled Cisco into a hug. Cisco hugged him back, and rested his head on Barry's chest. He inhaled deeply and let Barry's warmth envelop him, his heart aching. Then he pulled back.
Cisco pulled out his keys and opened the door to his apartment, realizing just how cold and dark it had gotten while they had been talking. "Hey, wanna come in and watch a movie? I'll even let you pick the flick if you grab some snacks."
Barry grinned. He disappeared for a few seconds, then came back in a burst of speed. His arms were loaded with popcorn, soda, and other equally unhealthy yet delicious bags of junk food. Cisco spied a large bag of Twizzlers in the crook of Barry's elbow, and felt a smile creep onto his face.
"I hope you're in the mood for giant robots fighting aliens, because we are watching Pacific Rim." Barry said as he walked into Cisco's apartment.
"Aw, yeah!" Cisco cheered, following Barry to the couch. He knew it would still be a little rocky, but things were starting to seem okay.