Hunh. Another nighttime introspection piece... yeesh, I better not get stuck
in a rut. No, I don't know if catalpa trees grow in Japan; I just picked a
tree. Of course, the climate's screwed up after 2nd Impact, so it may not
matter.
Disclaimers:
Neon Genesis Evangelion and all related characters, concepts, etc., are
property of ADVision and Gainax. I only *wish* they were mine.
This story is copyright Kenneth Patterson, Two Thousand and One A.D.
Contains no squid.
* * *
Fire, Sea, and Night
* * *
It's chilly tonight, even with the fire.
You would have liked it here, I think. During the day, sitting
underneath the shade of the catalpa tree, when you look out you can see the
ocean clear to the horizen where sky meets sea, and everything seems calm and
at peace. On clear nights like tonight, both grow dark, and the only thing
seperating the two voids is the light of the stars above. The moon hangs low
and full in the sky, and its reflection dances languidly on the tide.
You could see it, couldn't you? The sea, I mean. Out the window of the
classroom. It's the one recognizable thing humans can comprehend as being
unmoving. People die; buildings fall; land can be destroyed, as we were
forced to do. But even if it is disturbed, the oceans will always be there,
as long as the earth remains. Maybe that's what it was about water that
called to you; no matter what, it behaved the way it was supposed to. Not
like we humans... and in the end, not like you.
Why'd you do it, Ayanami?
Since the moment I saw you on that gurney, I knew there was something
different about you. Well, other than that you were an albino, I mean. There
was a calmness, a... peace, I suppose, that you wore like a cloak. Most
people never know what lies in store for them, or where they plan to go with
their lives. You always seemed to know, and to find solace in that. I know
that knowing one's fate is a heavy burden to bear, yet you always seemed even
stronger for it. I know I told you that you were strong once, Ayanami. I
don't know if I ever told you how much I admired that strength.
I know that I don't have anything inside me quite like that. When I
learned about... you... I didn't know what to think, and I collapsed under
the load of emotions. I was confused, I was afriad, and in the end I couldn't
find the courage to reach out to someone who mattered so much to me, and who
had given up so much for my sake, even their own life. They say that's the
greatest love that someone can show another. So why was I unable to do
anything in return for you? To this day, I hate myself for doing nothing.
Did I really love you?
I still don't know what to make of the fact that part of you was made
from my mother. What does that make us? Is it what our genetics determine? I
don't think we were mother and son. You weren't my mother, and I know that
the way I felt towards you wasn't the way I remembered feeling about mother,
or, in a strange way, about Misato. Siblings? You weren't the child of my
parents, and we never really got close enough to confide in each other the
way I've seen Hikari do with her sisters, or Toji with his. Something else?
Maybe. God, I can't understand myself.
I know I trusted you, perhaps more than I really trusted anyone else in
the world, because you kept your promises to me, and were there for me when
no one else was willing or able to be. Seeing your face when I woke up in the
hospital did more to assure me that things were fine than any doctor's
pronouncement of a clean bill of health. I believed in you; I knew your
strength. I cared about you; seeing you injured in your entry plug made me
more apprehensive than I'd ever been before in my life, and seeing you open
your eyes and later smile made me feel just as relieved and... happy. God
knows we saw little enough of happiness in our lives. So... perhaps, in my
own strange, confused way, I did love you. A part of who I was came to be
formed by who you were. A part of me that could find peace, and, however
briefly, contentment.
Isn't that what love is supposed to be?
I know love is never what people seem to think it is, or what they
think it ought to be. Love isn't a fiery hunger that appears out of nowhere
to burn away all other thought; that's passion and desire, both of which
which move people so greatly, but fade with the passage of time. Love isn't a
means to something, like wealth or power; it's its own end, and its own
reward. Love is peace. Love is happiness. Love is what lets you wake up next
to the one you love, and know that at least one thing is right in the world.
Love is what lets us make the effort to try and understand others. Maybe
that's part of why people seem so unhappy with their lives, even those who
are married and claim to love each other; they encountered the first two
kinds of love, and mistook them for the real thing. When what they thought
was love faded as time went by, they never bothered to look for the real
thing. Endurence is the test of real love.
I also know that love takes many forms. We love many people in our
life, and none of them in the same way. What we love in some we may hate in
others, and vice versa. Love can be both great and small, and yet still be
love. In the end, I guess I can say that I loved you. I don't know how. I
don't know in what way. But I know that I loved you all the same.
I loved you, Ayanami.
The fire is kicking up sparks into the air, reminding me of the
destruction of that horrific day. We all lost so much back then... Asuka, her
pride and security. Myself, my illusions and my ability to try to shield
myself from pain. You, Misato, Ritsuko, so many others... you lost
everything. I know you and Misato both did it willingly. I wonder... did that
make it any easier, or only even worse? The both of you looked so peaceful
before the end, but you were both good at hiding yourselves from others.
No matter what happens, I'll never forget what you did. Floating there
above the earth, I thought that it was the end of everything. Even if it
wasn't, there didn't seem to be anything left to live for. Then everything
vanished, and I found myself floating a few feet away from you in an LCL sea.
You showed me a vision of a nearly dead world, where the sky and sea were
both stained red, turned to blood, and where I was left with nothing but dead
dreams and bitter memories, and asked if it was truly what I desired. I said
that I didn't know what I wanted anymore, and you smiled. You embraced me
gently, and whispered into my ear that I would have a lifetime to find what I
truly desired.
And then the world woke up.
For most people, 3rd Impact was simply a bizarre vision, sometimes an
epiphany, others a nightmare, but always unreal, even though the vision was
experienced by all of humanity. Psychologists are still trying to explain it
away, while philosophers try and piece together the differing accounts to
find the truth behind them. For those in the Geo-Front however, awaking from
their Instrumentality, even some who had perished after the process had
begun, seemed little improvement at first. The soldiers were still invading,
but now they were just as confused as we were. Most of them simply left. But
a few stayed to fight. Misato... she lost her second chance at life leading
the few surviving NERV troops in a final, and ultimately successful, attempt
to flush out the JSSDF. In the end, the only survivors of NERV were the
remaining pilots, the sub-commander, and the bridge crew. They were the ones
who helped my get back on my feet after the dust had settled.
Well, you certainly did a thourough job of eliminating the chances of
3rd Impact ever being repeated; no trace of any material related to E Project
has been recovered from the Geo-Front, or from any of the research and
construction facilities established by NERV and SEELE. The only evidence that
remains is a small projectile, two objects orbiting each other, on a
trajectory away from Earth, and out towards Polaris. The world itself seems
to be unchanged from before. No LCL in the water, no rings of blood
surrounding the world. You left everything the way it had been, but you set
us free as well.
But you didn't bring yourself back.
I know, SEELE could have used your genetic information to restart E
Project, and they probably could have even used you as their new Lillith...
but it's still lonely without you. Asuka and I... we get by, I guess. We
still bicker endlessly, and get on each other's nerves, but all we really
have to depend on is each other. She suggested that if we kept living
together for much longer that we'd have to get married just for appearance's
sake, but we both decided that neither one of us was really comfortable with
the idea. We can talk about our daily lives, but the past, ourselves, and
each other are all almost taboo.
It's not as bad as I make it sound, really. We're doing okay
financially, now that Asuka has a permenant position at the Hakubi Research
Institute, and I play for the Osaka Symphony Orchestra. We have a nice
apartment, and we're free to live our lives as we choose. I just... I wish
that you could have given yourself the same chance. You grew so much while I
knew you... I wish I could have seen you continue to grow. You deserved a
better fate than the one you were dealt.
I miss you, now and always, and that loneliness has only grown with
time.
So... I live life as best I can, and in doing so, I try to honor your
sacrifice, and the memory of who you were, and still are, inside my thoughts.
You helped make me who I am, and I could never repay that, even if you were
still alive. In the end, all I can say is "Thank you," Ayanami... Rei.
I once said that it was too sad when you said good-bye, but sometimes
you need to say it. So, good-bye.
Rest easy.
And I'll see you... someday.
But not today.
* * *
fin
* * *
Author's Notes:
Damn, that was a bit sappier that usual for me. I kinda waver inbetween hard-
line realism and hopeless romanticism, and this is what happens when I swing
too far towards the romantic.
On the upside, this took me a lot less time to write than previous projects.
Only two weeks between conception and completion. If I can keep this up, I
might actually turn out more of "Maternal Instinct" sometime soon.
As regards the story itself, there were a few things I was trying to say.
First, I like a good Shinji/Rei story, and I get sick to death of people
crying 'incest!' at the very thought. I could go off on a rant here, but I
already said my piece in the story, and Gendo in "Variations on a Theme" said
it better than I ever could: "...To begin with, she's not Yui... We can
review genetic code afterward."
Second, I really do believe what I wrote about the subject of love. In a lot
of fanfics I read, love seems to appear suddenly, knocking over everything in
its path, and is then treated as lasting and real... To be blunt, I don't buy
it. *Very* few writers take the care to construct a realistic relationship
that develops into actual love. Probably the best example I've seen is
Johnathan Wang's "Fly Me To The Moon," which also has the benefit of being
written in his extremely clear style.
Third, I'm just not a big believer in the Shinji/Asuka pairing. I don't deny
that there's some attraction between the two, but they seem to have a
personality conflict on some level that I don't think would permit them to
ever be truly comfortable together. Maybe it's just me, but I don't really
see it, in much the same way I never quite understood the whole Ranma/Akane
thing, or what people seemed to think was so great about it.
Like most things I write, this was inspired by a song. In this case, it was
"Ghost Story" from Sting's "Brand New Day," a bittersweet rememberance of an
unrecognized love.
C&C, flames, and any other e-mails can be directed to Katfum@tmbg.org. I
really don't mind flames; if someone actually took the time to be bothered by
this, then I can at least take satisfaction that they actually read it, and
were moved to *something.* Beats the heck out of no response at all.
in a rut. No, I don't know if catalpa trees grow in Japan; I just picked a
tree. Of course, the climate's screwed up after 2nd Impact, so it may not
matter.
Disclaimers:
Neon Genesis Evangelion and all related characters, concepts, etc., are
property of ADVision and Gainax. I only *wish* they were mine.
This story is copyright Kenneth Patterson, Two Thousand and One A.D.
Contains no squid.
* * *
Fire, Sea, and Night
* * *
It's chilly tonight, even with the fire.
You would have liked it here, I think. During the day, sitting
underneath the shade of the catalpa tree, when you look out you can see the
ocean clear to the horizen where sky meets sea, and everything seems calm and
at peace. On clear nights like tonight, both grow dark, and the only thing
seperating the two voids is the light of the stars above. The moon hangs low
and full in the sky, and its reflection dances languidly on the tide.
You could see it, couldn't you? The sea, I mean. Out the window of the
classroom. It's the one recognizable thing humans can comprehend as being
unmoving. People die; buildings fall; land can be destroyed, as we were
forced to do. But even if it is disturbed, the oceans will always be there,
as long as the earth remains. Maybe that's what it was about water that
called to you; no matter what, it behaved the way it was supposed to. Not
like we humans... and in the end, not like you.
Why'd you do it, Ayanami?
Since the moment I saw you on that gurney, I knew there was something
different about you. Well, other than that you were an albino, I mean. There
was a calmness, a... peace, I suppose, that you wore like a cloak. Most
people never know what lies in store for them, or where they plan to go with
their lives. You always seemed to know, and to find solace in that. I know
that knowing one's fate is a heavy burden to bear, yet you always seemed even
stronger for it. I know I told you that you were strong once, Ayanami. I
don't know if I ever told you how much I admired that strength.
I know that I don't have anything inside me quite like that. When I
learned about... you... I didn't know what to think, and I collapsed under
the load of emotions. I was confused, I was afriad, and in the end I couldn't
find the courage to reach out to someone who mattered so much to me, and who
had given up so much for my sake, even their own life. They say that's the
greatest love that someone can show another. So why was I unable to do
anything in return for you? To this day, I hate myself for doing nothing.
Did I really love you?
I still don't know what to make of the fact that part of you was made
from my mother. What does that make us? Is it what our genetics determine? I
don't think we were mother and son. You weren't my mother, and I know that
the way I felt towards you wasn't the way I remembered feeling about mother,
or, in a strange way, about Misato. Siblings? You weren't the child of my
parents, and we never really got close enough to confide in each other the
way I've seen Hikari do with her sisters, or Toji with his. Something else?
Maybe. God, I can't understand myself.
I know I trusted you, perhaps more than I really trusted anyone else in
the world, because you kept your promises to me, and were there for me when
no one else was willing or able to be. Seeing your face when I woke up in the
hospital did more to assure me that things were fine than any doctor's
pronouncement of a clean bill of health. I believed in you; I knew your
strength. I cared about you; seeing you injured in your entry plug made me
more apprehensive than I'd ever been before in my life, and seeing you open
your eyes and later smile made me feel just as relieved and... happy. God
knows we saw little enough of happiness in our lives. So... perhaps, in my
own strange, confused way, I did love you. A part of who I was came to be
formed by who you were. A part of me that could find peace, and, however
briefly, contentment.
Isn't that what love is supposed to be?
I know love is never what people seem to think it is, or what they
think it ought to be. Love isn't a fiery hunger that appears out of nowhere
to burn away all other thought; that's passion and desire, both of which
which move people so greatly, but fade with the passage of time. Love isn't a
means to something, like wealth or power; it's its own end, and its own
reward. Love is peace. Love is happiness. Love is what lets you wake up next
to the one you love, and know that at least one thing is right in the world.
Love is what lets us make the effort to try and understand others. Maybe
that's part of why people seem so unhappy with their lives, even those who
are married and claim to love each other; they encountered the first two
kinds of love, and mistook them for the real thing. When what they thought
was love faded as time went by, they never bothered to look for the real
thing. Endurence is the test of real love.
I also know that love takes many forms. We love many people in our
life, and none of them in the same way. What we love in some we may hate in
others, and vice versa. Love can be both great and small, and yet still be
love. In the end, I guess I can say that I loved you. I don't know how. I
don't know in what way. But I know that I loved you all the same.
I loved you, Ayanami.
The fire is kicking up sparks into the air, reminding me of the
destruction of that horrific day. We all lost so much back then... Asuka, her
pride and security. Myself, my illusions and my ability to try to shield
myself from pain. You, Misato, Ritsuko, so many others... you lost
everything. I know you and Misato both did it willingly. I wonder... did that
make it any easier, or only even worse? The both of you looked so peaceful
before the end, but you were both good at hiding yourselves from others.
No matter what happens, I'll never forget what you did. Floating there
above the earth, I thought that it was the end of everything. Even if it
wasn't, there didn't seem to be anything left to live for. Then everything
vanished, and I found myself floating a few feet away from you in an LCL sea.
You showed me a vision of a nearly dead world, where the sky and sea were
both stained red, turned to blood, and where I was left with nothing but dead
dreams and bitter memories, and asked if it was truly what I desired. I said
that I didn't know what I wanted anymore, and you smiled. You embraced me
gently, and whispered into my ear that I would have a lifetime to find what I
truly desired.
And then the world woke up.
For most people, 3rd Impact was simply a bizarre vision, sometimes an
epiphany, others a nightmare, but always unreal, even though the vision was
experienced by all of humanity. Psychologists are still trying to explain it
away, while philosophers try and piece together the differing accounts to
find the truth behind them. For those in the Geo-Front however, awaking from
their Instrumentality, even some who had perished after the process had
begun, seemed little improvement at first. The soldiers were still invading,
but now they were just as confused as we were. Most of them simply left. But
a few stayed to fight. Misato... she lost her second chance at life leading
the few surviving NERV troops in a final, and ultimately successful, attempt
to flush out the JSSDF. In the end, the only survivors of NERV were the
remaining pilots, the sub-commander, and the bridge crew. They were the ones
who helped my get back on my feet after the dust had settled.
Well, you certainly did a thourough job of eliminating the chances of
3rd Impact ever being repeated; no trace of any material related to E Project
has been recovered from the Geo-Front, or from any of the research and
construction facilities established by NERV and SEELE. The only evidence that
remains is a small projectile, two objects orbiting each other, on a
trajectory away from Earth, and out towards Polaris. The world itself seems
to be unchanged from before. No LCL in the water, no rings of blood
surrounding the world. You left everything the way it had been, but you set
us free as well.
But you didn't bring yourself back.
I know, SEELE could have used your genetic information to restart E
Project, and they probably could have even used you as their new Lillith...
but it's still lonely without you. Asuka and I... we get by, I guess. We
still bicker endlessly, and get on each other's nerves, but all we really
have to depend on is each other. She suggested that if we kept living
together for much longer that we'd have to get married just for appearance's
sake, but we both decided that neither one of us was really comfortable with
the idea. We can talk about our daily lives, but the past, ourselves, and
each other are all almost taboo.
It's not as bad as I make it sound, really. We're doing okay
financially, now that Asuka has a permenant position at the Hakubi Research
Institute, and I play for the Osaka Symphony Orchestra. We have a nice
apartment, and we're free to live our lives as we choose. I just... I wish
that you could have given yourself the same chance. You grew so much while I
knew you... I wish I could have seen you continue to grow. You deserved a
better fate than the one you were dealt.
I miss you, now and always, and that loneliness has only grown with
time.
So... I live life as best I can, and in doing so, I try to honor your
sacrifice, and the memory of who you were, and still are, inside my thoughts.
You helped make me who I am, and I could never repay that, even if you were
still alive. In the end, all I can say is "Thank you," Ayanami... Rei.
I once said that it was too sad when you said good-bye, but sometimes
you need to say it. So, good-bye.
Rest easy.
And I'll see you... someday.
But not today.
* * *
fin
* * *
Author's Notes:
Damn, that was a bit sappier that usual for me. I kinda waver inbetween hard-
line realism and hopeless romanticism, and this is what happens when I swing
too far towards the romantic.
On the upside, this took me a lot less time to write than previous projects.
Only two weeks between conception and completion. If I can keep this up, I
might actually turn out more of "Maternal Instinct" sometime soon.
As regards the story itself, there were a few things I was trying to say.
First, I like a good Shinji/Rei story, and I get sick to death of people
crying 'incest!' at the very thought. I could go off on a rant here, but I
already said my piece in the story, and Gendo in "Variations on a Theme" said
it better than I ever could: "...To begin with, she's not Yui... We can
review genetic code afterward."
Second, I really do believe what I wrote about the subject of love. In a lot
of fanfics I read, love seems to appear suddenly, knocking over everything in
its path, and is then treated as lasting and real... To be blunt, I don't buy
it. *Very* few writers take the care to construct a realistic relationship
that develops into actual love. Probably the best example I've seen is
Johnathan Wang's "Fly Me To The Moon," which also has the benefit of being
written in his extremely clear style.
Third, I'm just not a big believer in the Shinji/Asuka pairing. I don't deny
that there's some attraction between the two, but they seem to have a
personality conflict on some level that I don't think would permit them to
ever be truly comfortable together. Maybe it's just me, but I don't really
see it, in much the same way I never quite understood the whole Ranma/Akane
thing, or what people seemed to think was so great about it.
Like most things I write, this was inspired by a song. In this case, it was
"Ghost Story" from Sting's "Brand New Day," a bittersweet rememberance of an
unrecognized love.
C&C, flames, and any other e-mails can be directed to Katfum@tmbg.org. I
really don't mind flames; if someone actually took the time to be bothered by
this, then I can at least take satisfaction that they actually read it, and
were moved to *something.* Beats the heck out of no response at all.