first sonfic ever.
cliche i know.
enjoy anyways.
Last Christmas,
- Wham!
The holidays had never been more infuriating, more hated. Spending large amounts of money for gifts that would only get use for several months before being discarded into a pile of belongings considered 'past Christmas gifts'. The mere idea of having such a box, closet, or just randomly located pile of sorts intrigued the young blond. Of course, though, without actually having paid attention, he too had something very similar to the said pile in question. One he had pushed out of sight, out of mind.
[ Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away. ]
Matt fumbled with his open pack of cigarettes, toying with the plastic wrapping that came on most boxes. He could never quite figure out what the plastic was for, but decided that it had to be there for his amusement, and his alone. The gamer had parked his car in an almost stalking fashion outside the apartment building he used to share with his best friend. If anyone that held any memories of him saw the red-head, he would most likely die due to shock and knowing that word would get back to Mello about him being there.
"It's so cold," Matt mumbled to himself. There was no heat on in his car, and he fought against the idea of returning to Mello after a year of being gone. But he'd had good reason to leave, or it seemed like a good reason at the time. Even if it had been the worst reason to leave his partner, Matt knew he couldn't return to him in fear of being used and abused more than he had been before. It would have been futile to return, so he remained missing in action until the notion struck to give it another shot. A year's worth of waiting, wishing, wanting and thinking surely was enough time for Mello to get his priorities straight.
[ This year, to save me from tears I'll give it to someone special. ]
However, a year hadn't been enough time for Mello. Yes, it had been enough time for him to realize that he'd screwed up royally, but after doing so, he found himself lost in feelings he couldn't explain. The blond convinced himself that he what he had felt hadn't been true, that it was his mind playing tricks on him for behaving so wrongly towards his former friend.
Regardless, in the back of his mind, amidst the things he'd forced himself to forget, Mello wanted to relocate Matt and apologize for how he did him. And even if Matt didn't accept it, at least he'd feel better about it. The guilt, for the first time in Mello's life, was weighing on his shoulders like a sack of sand trying to barricade water from flooding.
[ Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away. ]
[ This year, to save me from tears I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone special. ]
Mello sighed, eyeing the gaming systems that Matt had left behind when he took upon his lengthy vacation. They were splayed across the floor in a manner that not only looked relatively normal, but were the same way they'd been a year ago when Matt left him. His fingers twiddled with one of the controllers, pushing the buttons down in an order unfamiliar to him. He didn't know which one stood for jump, or for run, or even that he was supposed to hold the long ones atop the controller for shooting.
"God damn!" Mello huffed boredly. The television no longer held anything worth it, he'd seen all that there was to see and could have sworn he felt his brain turn to mush in the process. All of his books had been read numerous times, so much that the blond could recite his favourite sentences if only given the title of the book. Even random whores were no longer enticing, once he did one, he'd done them all. Plus, Mello had run out of money with the last girl. It wasn't that she'd been expensive, on the contrary, she decided to come around a lot more than anyone else did. It appeared to Mello that she expected something more from him, but what he couldn't say. He had exhausted his means of entertainment, leaving him with only one thing to think about; that one thing he'd done all those useless leisure activities for in attempt to forget...
Matt.
"Where the fuck are you?" He questioned openly, eyes scanning over the room with awkward hopes of Matt pouncing out from behind the tattered chair, smiling brightly and talking about how he'd surprised Mello even when he didn't. It always earned an eye roll, but those little things were missed, and greatly appreciated in times of stress.
Why couldn't his mind play tricks on him now? At first he saw Matt everywhere. When he went out, he saw the car that Matt had restored into an almost brand new condition on every block. Little habits of the gamer were picked out of people that couldn't even surpass the red-head no matter how hard they tried. Though Mello hated to admit it, he missed the red-head. Mello missed Matt.
[ Once bitten and twice shy, I keep my distance but you still catch my eye. ]
[ Tell me, baby, do you recognize me? ]
[ Well, it's been a year, it doesn't surprise me. ]
"Well, here's goes nothing." Matt voiced, prying his door open to be greeted by the cold night air. He tugged the collar of his vest upwards around his neck, slammed the car door and slowly walked towards the building, a white convenient store bag in tow. One hand slid into one of the pockets of his jeans. Laughter filled the air as children left their respected homes to go out for a night on the town, mainly to complain about loss of money and to purchase early presents. He made his way through the open complex doors, and over towards the elevator that would without a doubt, take him to the top floor.
"Hurry up, will you?" The gamer was growing impatient as he watched the numbers slowly click by with a soft dinging sound. He hadn't remembered the elevator ever getting so much use, but then again, a year ago the apartment complex wasn't nearly as full as it appeared to be now. He shifted the bag from one to the other, biting his bottom lip in anticipation.
The doors swung open and out stepped no one. Matt rolled his eyes as he entered the vacant death trap, tapped the button for the top floor and sank against the cold metal wall. If anything in his life had ever seemed too long, the annoying ride up had to be considered the most perfect example. Another soft ding emitted from the machine, indicating to the gamer that he'd reached his destination. Sighing, Matt took one giant step forwards. One giant step towards the reason he'd run away in the first place. Towards Mello. Towards the rest of his life.
[ 'Merry Christmas', I wrapped it up and sent it. ]
[ With a note saying, 'I love you', I meant it. ]
[ Now I know what a fool I've been, but if you kissed me now… ]
[I know you'd fool me again. ]
Matt faltered at the door, fingers wrapped around the knob as he fought against the nervous side of himself to turn away, to drop the bag and leave forever like he had originally promised to do. He knew it wouldn't be locked, so with one soft sigh and his heart pounding against his chest with bone cracking force, Matt turned the handle and opened the door enough to take in that all the lights were off. It looked odd to him, but then remembering that it was nearing a late hour of the night, he realized that Mello had probably gone to sleep.
Inside, Mello slept soundly on the bed they used to share. He had curled up on the side Matt had claimed for himself, knowing that he'd sleep better. The blond gripped the covers in his fists, using one clump of balled up fabric for a pillow. Despite the uncomfortable aspect of it, Mello went undisturbed. Not dreaming. Unaware.
Matt managed to make his way down the wall until his hand rested on a tiny switch protruding from the it. With one flick, the dim lights filled the living room of sorts, though it looked more like a bedroom. A distant smile crept onto his face as he took in the sight before him. It looked like he'd never gone away, in fact, everything he'd left behind was still laid out in the spot he'd last left them in. It amused him, delighted him, but at the same time it pained him. Perhaps, Matt thought, he'd gone overboard with throwing everything he had away because one incident didn't play out the way he expected it to.
"The bedroom," the gamer announced.
Turning, he faced the corridor that looked longer than it really was. He feared that walking down the hallway would turn into an overnight adventure and he'd never make it to Mello in time. Silently he pushed forwards, realizing that it didn't take long at all to reach the bedroom that hid Mello. Listening through the ajar door, he could hear the blond sigh and stir in his sleep. Matt gave a pained smile, rested a hand on the door and pushed it open enough for him to make it through without letting too much light in.
"Mello?" He said quietly as to not wake the sleeping one. Matt slid his shoes off his feet and shuffled over toward the bed, placing the bag gently down on the bedside table on Mello's side before pulling the contents out and organizing them atop the empty surface. If Matt being there didn't get the job done, then loads of chocolate bars surely would. All he wanted was to see the blond smile, to see him happy and if the chocolate succeeded in bringing him this, Matt could again leave and finally forget what he'd come back for.
The gamer walked to the other side of the king size bed, and slowly sat down on top of the solid black comforter. He scooted himself closer to his blond counterpart, eyes soft and anxious. Mello stirred and Matt halted, watching him wearily for several agonizing seconds as he calmed down and returned to a peaceful slumber. He moved closer and didn't stop until he had come to sit beside him.
"It's been so long, Mels." Matt whispered into the darkness, gently lifting Mello's form up enough to put his head into Matt's lap. Thoughts swirled through his empty mind and the scene that played out of the previous year claimed the majority of his time as he ran a hand through golden tresses. The pads of his fingers pressing softly against his scalp, rubbing small circles into his temples as he watched the sleeping Mello. He was beautiful now, as he was then. Even after Mello's bright idea to blow up the building with himself trapped inside failed and left him scarred on the right side of his body, he was still the epitome of beauty.
"Matt?" Mello mumbled through half parted lips. The gamer tensed at hearing his name, eyes fluttering down to watch the boyish features contort into something he'd not seen before.
"Mhm." Matt hummed, dragging the hand that had been tangled in the blonds' hair along the side of his face, caressing his cheek lovingly. He breathed in and exhaled slowly, his hand running lightly over Mello's features. Fingers traced his closed eyes, feathery fluttering along the length of nose, across his jaw line and finally, he rested his thumb against parted lips.
Mello melted against the warmth holding him, against the soft touches he received. Matt's heart beat rapidly against his ribs, pounding against his chest. A thought occupied Matt's head and he leaned down slightly, his head hanging directly above the young mafia man's face. Without giving it a second though, Matt pressed his lips against Mello's parted ones in a soft kiss. He had been certain that he was sleeping, but shock fled over him as he felt Mello's lips move against his own.
[ Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away. ]
[ This year, to save me from tears I'll give it to someone special. ]
Matt pulled back, green eyes staring at the now awake Mello. Blood rushed to his face, and he thanked the lights for being off. He untangled himself from the warmth that had been settled on his thighs, scooting back towards the other side of the bed.
"M-Mello, I.. I.." Matt stuttered, sliding his legs off the side the of the bed. "I, oh God, I didn't mean anything by it, I swear." Mello blinked, cocked his head to the side and reached a hand around to pull on the string attached to the lamp, turning the light on to give him a better view of the face he thought he'd never see again.
The gamer had been visibly shaking, afraid of what Mello would do when put in such an awkward situation. He knew his temper got the best of him, and just like he'd done the last time Matt wanted to run and never look back. Although, he did look back and that had been his failing point. This time he tried to convince himself that he would leave, perhaps even skip countries.
Mello stretched an arm around and placed his hand upon the closet body part he could touch belonging to Matt. The red-head flinched.
"What's wrong?" Mello asked, concerned.
"I,I.. You're not mad?"
"Why would I be mad?" He was confused, completely and utterly confused. Of course Mello had known that Matt kissed him, but he couldn't deny the fact that he rightfully enjoyed it. He had wanted it, had waited for it, had dreamt about for the past several months after he'd taken to heart that perhaps he didn't hate Matt after all. The words he'd used towards the gaming addict flooded back as he watched Matt in awe. His facial features changing from confusion, hurt and pain to relaxed, relieved, and almost happy.
[ Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away. ]
[ This year, to save me from tears I'll give it to someone special, special. ]
They sat silently for what seemed like hours, green optics locked on vibrant blue. If either could read minds, they both would have known that the feelings were mutual, despite harsh words being used and violent tendencies being executed. The only thing either male wanted was what the other wanted, though neither could gather up the courage to verbally express the said wants that were being held back.
Mello's hand traced designs into the flesh of Matt's hand, fingers lightly tracing his own sprawled apart ones. Matt relished in the gentle touching, but couldn't be so certain that his blond friend hadn't been screwing around with him and was just waiting for the opportune moment to strike and accuse him things he, himself, had become.
[ A crowded room, friends with tired eyes. I'm hiding from you and your soul of ice. ]
[ I thought you were someone to rely on. Me, I guess, I was a shoulder to cry on. ]
"Matt?" Mello murmured softly.
"Hmm?" Matt responded eagerly.
"I can't be mad at you." He stated truthfully, moving closer to the tensed body on the opposite of the bed.
"Why not?" Matt dropped his head, avoiding Mello's gaze for all it was worth. He knew that if he looked at him when he said the things Matt assumed he'd say, the tears that were fighting to spill would do just that.
"Because, Matt. You're here." The blond voiced, extending an arm to wrap around Matt's waist. He pulled himself up high enough to rest his head against the gamers' chest, burying his face in the crook of his neck. Matt blinked, slinking an arm hesitantly around Mello. This was new, foreign, unheard of.
The last time Matt had tried to even hold Mello was before he left, which had been after Matt proclaimed his feelings for the chocolate addict. At the time, he only came off as a pansy, someone that Mello would never affiliate with. Mello, a year ago, wouldn't put up with the likes of being around someone that had fallen in love with him, someone gay.
It was only several months ago, many months too late, that it dawned on the yellow-haired beauty that perhaps it wasn't so bad being with Matt. That actually, he didn't hate Matt because he loved him or for the fact that he had confessed to being gay. The reason he'd pushed the gamer away, and with little reason to why he'd gone off on the deep end had been because Mello couldn't grasp his own feelings. Someone loved him, but he had never put much thought into loving someone other than himself or his chocolate. Of course, a part of him cared for Matt back then. A part of him even cried for the runaway, and broke and shattered and hadn't been put back together until the warmth of the said red-head wrapped his arms around him several hours earlier.
[ A face on a lover with a fire in her heart. ]
[ A man undercover, but you tore me apart. ]
[ Now I've found a real love, you'll never fool me again. ]
"I missed you, Matt." Mello choked, tears soaking the striped shirt adorning Matt's upper body. His hands fisted the shirt, tugging at it slightly. Matt tightened his grip on Mello's thin frame, bringing his other hand to lightly stroke the side of his exposed face. His fingers traced along his cheek and into his hair, weaving slender digits into blond tresses as the other cried against him softly.
Every negative thing Matt had convinced himself that he felt towards Mello slipped away as he listened to the painful crying. His own eyes stung, and without putting much thought into it, he too let tears escape. If Matt hadn't cried enough for the blond by now, he thought he would as the reason he had become an emotional wreck sobbed into his vest, into his shirt, on his chest. But, still, through the tears Matt couldn't stop himself from smiling.
"I missed you too, Mels." Matt whispered against his hair, placing his lips against the top of his head. Mello melted, pulled his head back and tilted it upwards to look into the teary eyes of Matt. Saline streaks dancing delicately down his face, catching in the goggles that were resting around his neck.
"Matt, you're crying." Mello said as if it hadn't already been obvious. The little fact earned a muffled laugh from the gamer, and the sound elated Mello.
"You're crying too, Mels." Matt retorted. A faint, barely noticeable smile crept into play as their eyes locked. Green on blue. Blue on green. The gamer brought a hand to Mello's face, and with his thumb wiped away the remaining tears. Mello took notice to both the smile and the small gesture as he pushed himself up Matt's body, and pressed his lips against Matt's eyes, one after the other, kissing the left over tears into nonexistence.
"I", Mello's mouth fluttered down Matt's cheek. "Really," he kissed the tip of his nose lightly. "Missed," the blonds' mouth hovered above Matt's. "You," and with that he caught the gamers' lips for their second kiss that night. It lasted longer than the previous, but had been nothing more than lips flittering together with a passion they'd never experienced before.
[ Last Christmas I gave you my heart. ]
[ I give you my heart. ]
[ But the very next day you gave it away. ]
[ You gave it away. ]
[ This year, to save me from tears I'll give it to someone special. ]
[ I'll give it to someone. ]
"Mello?"
"Matt?"
"You didn't really mean what you said before, did you?" Matt asked.
"Why does it matter now? We're here, we're together." Mello blinked, shocked that Matt would bring that up.
"Because, Mels. I almost didn't come tonight." Matt's voice lowered, grew softer and his eyes pleaded with Mello to tell him the truth. He could handle it because it was the past, and this was the future. This was his life with Mello now, not his life with him then.
"No, Matt. I didn't mean it." Mello answered honestly, pursing lips as he fought to say more. "I, I.. well, you see, Matt. It caught me off guard, and I didn't know to respond to how straight forward you were being. It was different, not in a bad way, though. I guess I was just surprised, that's all."
Matt nodded, understanding. If he'd been the one thrown into the role Mello had been involuntarily put into he would have probably said the same things, or found a way to get the point across without using as much profanity and as many childish insults.
"So, you didn't mean it?"
"Matt, if I did I wouldn't be here with you. You wouldn't be holding me, and I wouldn't be kissing you to make you shut up."
"But, Mels. You haven't done that yet, I don't th--"
Matt's eyes grew wide as lips crashed into his, instigating the very thing Matt hadn't believed Mello had done. He bit down on his bottom lip, asking for entrance into the forbidden territory. Matt complied, parting his lips and their tongues danced in unison. Flawless victory.
[ Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away. ]
[ You gave it away. ]
[ This year, to save me from tears I'll give it to someone special, special. ]
"Oh!" Matt exclaimed once Mello had pulled away from him, panting. Mello looked at the red-head in a startled fashion. The gamer grinned, lifted his unoccupied arm over the blonds' form and pointed at the nightstand beside the bed. Mello hadn't paid much attention earlier in the night when he turned the light on, his eyes seemed to miss the stacked bars of chocolate in front of the lamp.
"What's that?" He asked incredulously.
"Chocolate, Mels."
"I know that, Matt. But why?"
"Well, you know.. I figured that if things didn't go the way I planned, I could always give you chocolate before leaving again. Last time I left you without any." Matt stuck his tongue in a childlike manner, gaining a quiet chuckle from the mafia boss. Mello shook his head, hair falling into place as his motions halted, his face contorting into a thoughtful look.
"What is it, Mels?" Matt asked, lowering his other arm to wrap around Mello as well. His hand grasped Mello's hand, fingers entwining. Mello sank against his form, his back pressed against Matt's chest as he lolled his head back to meet his shoulder, gazing up at the face he'd wake up to for the rest of his life. The corners of his lips twitched into a soft smile as he tried to coax himself into saying the things he wanted to say most. The things he knew would make his gamer ecstatic.
"I, I.." Mello stammered, unable to get the words to pass his swollen lips. He sighed against the red-head and breathed in, readying himself for a second attempt.
"Matt, I.. I.. l-lo-" His cheeks flushed pink and he failed for the second time. Closing his eyes, Mello tried again and knew that if he didn't get it out this time, Matt would have to make due and understand that the blond felt the same way.
"Matt," he began, "I, I.. l-l-lo.. Oh, fuck it."
Matt chuckled, kissing the top of his head. "I love you."
The words sounded so right coming from Matt, and as soon as they graced his ears Mello knew he too could give into the only thing, or person rather, that would be considered his weakness. "I love you, Matt."
[ Last Christmas, last Christmas. ]
[I'll give it to someone special. ]
Matt smiled brilliantly, and tore Mello from his arms only to lay him back onto the bed. Black fabric pooling around the two as he stole a quick kiss from his counterpart. Matt knew that he'd reunite with Mello after a year's worth of being alone, a year's worth of trying to wait out Mello's thinking process, but he hadn't intended for the two to reunite in such an intimate way.
Both panted, steadying their breathing patterns. Mello rested his head atop Matt's bare chest, listening to the beating of his heart as he tried to slow his down to match in rhythm.
Perhaps Christmas wasn't bad after all.
tada! this is problaby my favourite piece thus far, aside from Love Hurts and a couple others. n.n; - hands out sweet tart candy canes - R&R plx, or not. whatever, just no flaming unless you absolutely feel the need to do so D: