A/N: Don't blame me...I try to write stories that retain the "flavor" of the original, so this one is as disjointed and stilted as "The Room" is.
Lesson
Johnny jerked his legs as he lay on the bed dreaming. He yelled out "You're tearing me apart" and suddenly sat upright, awake in a cold sweat.
"Johnny, what's wrong?" his girlfriend Lisa asked, almost concerned.
"Oh, hi Lisa. I was having a bad dream. Let me tell you about it. I was dreaming about these women that were in long fancy dresses playing soccer."
"Sports in formal wear? Who does that?"
"I know, right? So it was really unusual. Then they all went to a table to eat a big pastry that was in the shape of me. And when one of the ladies in a fancy dress pulled off my leg, it concerned me and I screamed. Maybe that is what you heard. Peter could probably tell me what it means. Is that a new coat you bought?"
"It's...a negligee. I've had it for years."
"Why are you awake, Lisa? My future wife needs to get her sleep."
"Don't worry about it. Mom wanted me to drive her to the chemo doctor tomorrow and I can't remember why."
"That is too bad. Maybe...oh, hi Mark. What are you doing over there in the dark?"
Johnny's best friend Mark was trying to be invisible, standing near the doorway as he attempted to creep out. "I was...trying to help Lisa remember that thing. You know, right Lisa?"
"Yeah."
"Have a drink of orange juice. That always helps me remember whatever it was I was going to tell you just now I think sometimes. I'm thirsty" Johnny suggested.
"You must need a lot of juice" Mark noted.
Just then Johnny's alarm clock went off, showing the time at 2am. He hand shot over to the clock and then gently switched it off. "I never hit you" he told the timepiece. "Doesn't Lisa look great, Mark?"
"I'll say."
"You'll say what?"
"That she looks great."
"I think so too; she does, doesn't she? I'm surprised Denny hasn't asked you out. Ha ha ha ha ha" Johnny laughed.
"Johnny, I'm getting really uncomfortable" Lisa said.
"Then take your coat off."
"It's a negligee!"
"What is?"
"You are weird." Lisa got out of bed and stormed out of the room and up the stairs, which oddly led up to the bedroom.
"I love you!" Johnny called after her. "Ha ha ha ha. My future wife" he joked to Mark. "Now that's it's almost noon, do you want to go eat or something?" Outside, what was completely dark a few minutes ago was now bright mid-day.
...
"Oh, hi bicyclist. Hi, pedestrian. Hi, pedestrian. Hello doggie. Hi si..." Johnny cut short as his waving hand hit a sign they passed while driving down the street, causing it to bleed. They parked and entered the deli while Mark stroked the Fu Manchu mustache he grew on the drive.
At the counter, Mark ordered a sandwich and Johnny ordered some roasted chicken. "No, I do not want the breast. I want the drumstick; pull it off, Tony" he said, pointing with his now undamaged hand.
"Come on Johnny; just let him cut you some slices for your plate."
A random customer we hadn't seen in the story yet agreed with Mark "Yeah, Johnny."
"No Mark, I want the drumstick. Don't worry about it, just give it to me. Pull it hard the chicken. Cheep cheep cheep cheep!"
"Johnny, why are you asking him to do that?"
"He's tearing me a part, Mark; I like the leg. Ha ha ha ha...maybe a wing then. Do you want my wing? You can have anything of mine if you want, buddy."
"Anything? Where's Lisa right now?"
"Hey Johnny, I'm going into the hospital next week for a heart transplant" Tony said as he put the chicken leg on the plate and handed it to Johnny.
"Thanks Tony, bye! This place could use more spoons" he said as he walked towards the door.
"He's my favorite customer" Tony mused as Johnny left, gnawing on a chicken leg. Mark wiped off mustard from his now clean-shaven lip.
...
Johnny returned home. Stepping inside, he found Denny watching the TV with a rough-looking character. "Oh, hi Denny. Who is your friend?"
"This is someone I met today that wanted to...show me a scene from a movie. His name is Chris-R" Denny said, standing to block the TV screen from Johnny's view.
"R, funny name. You are a pirate, Chris?"
"No, just a business man" Chris replied. "I wanted to show my young friend here what happens if a deal goes bad."
"Denny, you can not see the TV standing in front of it" Johnny said as he pulled the young man away from the screen. It revealed a prisoner being chained to four horses ready to run in opposite directions. "What is this? They are tearing him apart!" He turned and only he and Denny were in the room. "Ha ha ha, do you want to go to the zoo or something? Oh, hi Lisa. Are you going to drive your mom to the doctor?" he asked as Lisa appeared out of nowhere.
"What doctor? I'm going to go meet Michelle so we can have some...girl talk" she said as she came down the stairs.
"Why, do you normally talk like a guy? I like your voice anyway."
"Stop hitting on me!" Lisa yelled.
"I am not hitting on you! You are already my girlfriend for seven years, don't you remember?"
"I think I'm getting a brain aneurysm" she said, rubbing her side as she walked out.
"Ha ha ha ha, my future wife" Johnny said while shrugging his shoulders.
"I'm really worried about Lisa, Johnny. What do you think we should do?" asked Denny.
"I think we should go down to the park and try some target practice. I'm learning to shoot targets behind me over my shoulder; it is hard but I think I can do it."
"Aren't you worried you might shoot yourself by accident?"
"Don't worry about it! I don't like guns so I don't touch them and it will be safe" Johnny replied. "Ha ha ha ha!"
The film faded with Johnny's laugh echoing in the room. The coach turned the television off and somberly addressed the team. "Johnny only played football for one month. He holds the school record for most concussions in a week with thirteen. Had he worn a helmet while he played, his life might have turned out differently. I think you've all learned a valuable lesson today; don't be a Johnny. Now, helmets on and let's hit the practice field. Move out!" The athletes vigorously tugged on their helmets, eager to avoid ending up like the man just shown on the screen.
The End
A/N: I have no idea what this story is about, but as long as I work in some of the catch phrases it probably fits in perfectly with the movie no matter what I write.