It was another average day.
Ha.
Average being not so very normal for anyone outside of your situation.
Schedule was the most important thing in your life; you woke up, take your medicine, cleaned yourself, and then spent an inordinate amount of time trying to get your hair in order with your fingertips, berating your reflection all the while. Afterward, you would eat breakfast with your classmates, watch the television until lunch, and then join the group afterward for more supervised television.
Dinner was usually fairly eventful, and if you fluttered your lashes a bit for the distributer, you might even manage to get a second cookie before your second dose of your medications. Between the television and meals, you generally filled the gaps of boredom with short naps, waking up intermittantly before returning to your respite.
The ringing of the bell snapped you out of your contemplative daze.
It was bed time.
Stepping into the pharmacy line and reaching the small barred window, you got your small paper cup of blue and red pills, and your small paper cup of cold water. Obediantly you consume both, one after the other. You had learned a long time ago that there was no fighting back, or pretending under the sharp watchful eye of your overseers. Returning to your room that you shared with only yourself. You weren't a dangerous individual, at least not to the other patients, but you enjoyed the solitary space, scanning the plain white walls with your eyes. A soft smile creeps across your dry lips.
These are your only friends in this quiet place, pictures, paintings, drawings, and scribbles, brought you a gentle tranquility. That, and you talked to your friend every night, and every night he showed you wonderful things. Wonderful places to escape to.
You knew he was a figment of your shattered thoughts, just another reason for you to be sequestered away in the 'looney bin.' But he was still better than anyone that actually existed as far as you were concerned.
You quickly extricated yourself from the clean white clothes, and sat on the bed, your fingers wrapping around the rough cotton as though it were the first time again. You tugged at the blanket, slipping under the covers with excited trepidation as the minutes, no seconds, ticked by.
*knock knock
There he is, that voice in your thoughts. Squeezing your eyes shut, you see snow and you wrap the blankets around you tightly.
"Who's there?"
*amish
"Amish who?"
*aaahw i missed you too!
A bubbling giggle slipped free from you, and you pulled the blankets up under your nose, a furious blush on your cheeks.
"How was your day?" Your cone of vision shifted unbidden, as though you were walking. You never got to choose where he was looking or anything, you simply had no control over it.
*it was fine, same ol' same ol' how was yours? he sounded as tired as you felt.
"Ah just the norm'."
*did they sedate you again? i can feel your exhaustion.
He looked to the sky. No moon, no stars, no sun or clouds above, just a never-ending grey horizon that dropped snowflakes. He sounded concerned, you felt a tinge of melancholia creeping into your thoughts.
"You know they always do." you sigh muffled by your blanket as you opened and stared at the fisheye camera in the top corner of the room.
*do they really watch you at night?
"Don't be silly, they watch everyone." It was a fact, that's how the doctors knew you weren't getting better in the past, that you talked to him, to thin air, every night. Until you started covering your mouth and kept your eyes closed.
*you shouldn't be there. you're not crazy.
He tries this every now and then. Tries to convince you that he's real. That whatever they're doing to you is completely wrong or uncalled for. He tells you how beautiful and bright your Soul is. Compliments like that weren't going to win you over and agree to the voice in your head. But they were pleasantly comforting...
"Sans."
*Oh no, you're gonna bring this up again.
"I-I do want to get better.. One day, you won't exist in my mind anymore, and I can be normal... Like I use to be." You murmur, ashamedly, into your blanket.
He exhaled, or he might have flinched at your tone. Closing your eyes you see his side again, but his vision was blurred a bit.
*you're completely normal kiddo.. you're amazing too.
Everything shifted and now you see his queer and silly room.
*i've got to go, your sedatives are really getting to me.
You bid him goodnight and you finally let that oppressive light-headed feeling take you for the night.
Humans are terrible and foul monsters, their actions the stuff of nightmares. A child with tousled brown hair, and a disquieting smile haunts your dreams in particular.
The unpleasant sound of a knife, stabbing into flesh, followed by a child's queer laughter. The glint of slashing steal, and then a giggling sound that made your skin crawl...
You feel nauseous as it repeats itself, over and over and over and over again. Like this nightmarish demon can't seem to get enough as it resets the nightmare over and over.
There's never any color to these dreams. Not like the ones you normally have with Sans. It was fitting, you thought, the scheme seemed to stick perfectly with the violent child. It was always like this, watching from afar how they slaughtered helpless creatures with ease. Your chest aching as the faces of strangers watching their loved ones fall into a strange dusty powder, before it was their own turn to go under the knife.
You wake with a start, a silent scream clinging to your throat as you try to catch your breath. A cold sweat on your brow as you let your shoulders sag, relaxing as you take in your bland room once more. your sheets were wet with prespiration in the shape of your body, and you chuckle softly at the thought.
The nightmare already dismissed from your thoughts. Today was special. The first of the month, which meant you were due for your evaluation, and you had a good feeling about it, despite your conversation with Sans the evening prior.
*It'll be different this time, I know it.
After your morning ritual, you disposed of all the linens into the laundry basket and stepped out of the room with excitement in your step, today was going to be good, you'd make sure of it.
It seemed time was going by slower than normal. Television wasn't helping like it normally did.
"_?" Sitting up straight, your attention went to the nurse, "Come along dear." She had already turned back into the room down the west wing, you scampered after her obediantly.
A chair sat on the other side of the desk as you entered the room cautiously, moving towards the hard plastic chair and taking a seat. The doctor was already flipping through the pages in your information file.
He seemed already near the end and glanced up, "Welcome back _, how are you doing today?" he nodded, his head lolling on its side like a puppet.
"Oh- Well, I'm having a good day I think, how about you Doctor?" your palms were already clammy with sweat. Carefully rubbing your hands on your pantlegs, you hoped he didn't notice.
He nodded again.
*What was that that suppose to be?
You didn't personally know this Doctor, and you already feel your chances of a good pass slipping.
"Anyway, your behaviour seems to have improved in the past few months, quite good, quite good. Have you been hearing from-" He idly turned back a few pages. "-Sans?" He looked back at you with an inquisitive eyebrow, as if questioning why you chose that kind of name and if he had pronounced it right.
"A-ah no, no I haven't heard anything at all, but it's pronounced Sans, sir."
*Oh jeez why'd you say that.
You hoped he wouldn't notice.
You can feel a droplet of sweat slip down the back of your neck.
"You've made great progress then. Have you had any type of relapse that we might have missed? Remember, we're here for your own good _, there's no need to hide anything from us."
*He noticed...
Shaking your head you watched at he jotted a few things in that illegible script.
"Well you don't have any negative marks against you, and the previous doctor and some of the nurses have left notes here, all positive."
Your heart was pounding against your chest so hard that you feared the good doctor could hear the throbbing in your ears.
"You signed yourself into here. And with the progress you've made, at this point I believe that you can sign yourself out at anytime." Relief flooded through you.
"T-thats great news!" All you wanted was a professional opinion, and though you lied about hearing Sans, Sans wasn't the reason you put yourself in here. Originally it was the uncontrollable anxiety and paranoia, the nightmares that made sleeping a living hell, the depression that crippled you.
Sleep-deprived, you had quit your job, stopped eating, and cut connections with everyone, you had wanted to end it.
And then Sans had started speaking to you. That voice in your mind, you thought of him as your conscience at first. He sounded as down-trodden as you did after all and, as you got better, it sounded like your own improving health and emotions had imprinted onto him as well. He helped you turn down those more self-destructive temptations.
He didn't exactly give you the idea to get institutionalized, in fact he was against it the entire time. Boy would he be happy to hear of your clean bill of health.
"All we would need is to set you up with regular appointments with one of our psychiatrists, and for you to live with a family member, or a responsible friend."
"Yes, yes I can do that. I can call someone I think." Your exciment must have been obvious because the Doctor had a delicate smile set into his wizened face.
"Alright then, I'll let you go about your buisness." Shaking hands with him you practically skipped out of the room and to the corded phone connected to the wall by the entrance office.
"Is it okay that I call my parents?" The person waved their hand in a vaugely apathetic motion and pressed a button to monitor your call.
Ring.
Ring.
Ring.
"Hello? _? Is that you? Is everything okay?"
"Yes mom everything is fine, in fact!" At this point you were jumping up and down in childish glee, letting the anticipation build for your mother.
"They said I can leave whenever I want!"
Silence.
"Mom?" Stilling yourself, you tried to hear her breathing, nothing. Was she upset? Did you lose the call?
Then there was a loud screeching sound. And you winced. You jerked the phone away, the ringing in your ear stabbing at you still. The office person watched you, amused and a few of the other patients glanced over.
You can barely hear your father in the background frantically trying to find out whats wrong and what happened. The phone dropped to the floor, and you assumed your mother dropped her phone to hug your father because now there were two sets of excited screams coming from the phone in your hand.
There was a small sound as she picked up the phone once more,"When can you leave!?" Your mother asked excitedly
"Anytime I just have to sort out some paperwork and find a place to live with a family member or a responsible friend."
Your father had taken the phone. "Live with us! It'd be like the good ol' days! We can go shoot some cans or go fishin'!"
Well that did sound fun and tempting. Smiling you nodded.
"That sounds great thank you so much dad! I'll start on the paperwork once y'all make an agreement with my doctor."
"We're leaving now- Honey! hand me my good pants!" The call ended with the sounds of scrambling around and mumbles of "No! The ones without the holes!" and a "How does my hair look? Does it look okay? Where should we go to eat? Oh my baby is coming back home!"
You loved your parents.
-
Thank you for reading, this was basically a tester/teaser. I've had this idea for a while and suck at grammar and puns lol but my friend helped out and edited for me so yea! Here's the first part, feel free to be completely confused on whats going on. I'm also posting this on AO3 under the same name and title!
Feel free to also let me/us know about any typo's!