Thanks my dear beta. Jill, I couldn't mare it without you.
TJ was sitting on the observation deck in a chair, looking at the blue glare of the hyperspace behind the shield. A beautiful sight, but today it gave less fun than usual. TJ was thinking about events in recent weeks, about how things have changed in her life, the secret that she has kept. The secret that would be great in the best circumstances but now gives just troubles. Everything was too complicated. When she had tangled everything so bad?
TJ sighed again. She was tired; she had a breakdown, an anemia. You do not have to finish medical university to understand all the signs. Her paramedic experience was enough for that. The first fear, when from you depend some lives and you have nothing to help them, has already passed. Now she's got other fears. What next? How to go through all the problems? How to live without putting yourself at risk when you don't know what awaits you in a new turn of the corridor of this huge ship? How not to respond to the sidelong glances of civil, although TJ didn't care about it? And the most important - how to say it to him?
The wave of memories washed over her. Their first meeting, first kiss, first night. She never knew when she falls in love, but when she realized what had happened, it was late. Too late. She couldn't pull off all these feelings and just throw them out. Just couldn't. It was difficult. In her mind she promised to send him away, but every time he came, she opened the door of her room and let him inside. And in her soul too. She found the strength to accept the resignation and departure. It cost her dearly a lot, but she was able to do it. She just did not have time to fly with Icarus, and now was trapped on a ship of the Ancients too far away from home and too close to him, to the men, from which she tried to escape, but the person she who wanted to stay with. She loved him.
TJ could not forget how frightened she was when Young was lying before her on the floor, barely breathing and she did not immediately realize what to do next. Later worked all the professional instincts, she was involved in the work, though still long feared that wouldn't be able to help him. Afterwards it remained only a fear and endless desire to hug him and kiss him, make sure that all is well with him.
The transmitter lying beside her, revived.
"TJ, this is Scott."
TJ closed her eyes. Damn, again infirmary, empty, without the right equipment, without medicines, and everyone wanted something from her. And she can't refuse; she can't refuse to help at all. Who would help her?
"TJ?" Scott's voice sounded slightly concerned. TJ sighed. Good guy, Matt. Chloe had luck with him. A good guy, good friend.
"I'm listening."
"We got a small emergency happened, scrapes and bruises, but your help will be great here." TJ wanted to tell him that he had asked Cole for help, but she did not.
"I'll be there."
She gave a last glance at the blue glare of space and stood up.
When to the infirmary remained the last turn, when she met colonel Young. TJ even didn't notice him; she didn't look forward and would have passed by, if he wouldn't stop her:
"TJ?"
She was startled by surprise, stopped at a safe distance away, a distance that allowed her not to think about her desires.
"Sir?"
He was concerned; it was noticeable even in the scant coverage of the Destiny corridor. Her heart ached. She did not want to see these manifestations of his feelings, she couldn't afford it herself. As soon as she drew attention to this, she lost all her prudence.
"Are you all right?"
Tell him or not? Just say - and everything will be easier and harder at the same time. She'll get rid of the constant need to hide the truth, but she doubt it'll help both of them in this situation. Do not say – but it will be impossible to hide it for too long time. Say, but not right now. Now is not the time or place. And there are no suitable words. TJ sighed. Whether they are on the ground, she would have disappeared from the colonel's life, he wouldn't even know about it.
"Yes, sir. Only the constant stress and fatigue," she smiled weakly.
Young did not actually believe her, but he didn't ask anything more. As her commander he had the right to ask these questions, and settle such an answer, because nothing disturbs TJ to perform her duties as well as before. As a man, he had no right to ask her such questions. He was married; he put everything in such places.
"TJ, if something is bothering you..."
"No, sir, I'm fine. I need to go to infirmary, Scott is waiting for me."
"Then I will not distract you."
Young let her go and walked on. He heard her light footsteps, retreating towards the infirmary. His heart was restless. Everything from the very beginning went wrong. He should not have allowed the relations with TJ moved from professional to private level.
But what happened is happened, and Young wasn't sure he is sorry about that. Moreover he is being visited in his dreams by TJ, he wanted to hug her, kiss her, caress her, pull her from her uniform, to touch her body ... Young stopped. He has to do something about it. It is necessary, but not now. Not when Rush and Wray frayed his nerves. Later. TJ waits, she knows how to wait, that he knew for sure. Everything in Young's life turned upside down. Apparently, Emily was all over. He does not know if he will come home someday, and will she want him. And if he wants her.
TJ gently packed the bag looking over the remaining drugs which she had planned to leave to Cole. Her heart beat with joy by the thought about the whole month living on the planet. To feel firm ground under her feet, to breathe fresh air, to drink running water, to sleep under the open sky, to listen to the morning songs of birds – just few hours parted her from that. For four long weeks she can forget about everything. Maybe after that it won't be so terrible to look in the mirror, because her pale face already scared her. It was impossible to hide it, and even if there were some cosmetics it has been used long time ago.
The bag was packed, TJ put on her uniform jacket, vest, then rechecked everything one more time. She heard Cole's footsteps behind.
"Are you ready?"
"Yes," nodded TJ. "All cans and bags are signed; everything has its instructions for using." Cole nodded, but TJ noticed that she was nervous. She squeezed her hand. "Don't worry, everything will be fine. I don't think anything will happen."
"Don't you afraid to fly away? The whole month. And what if you can't come back?"
TJ shrugged:
"So, so be it."
She couldn't tell Cole how her soul was torn back to this strange planet, the nature of which was very similar to their native land. TJ didn't know what awaits her there, but the fact that the short time she spent on the planet during the reconnoitering was much better than the last few weeks together, that's was for sure.
"I should go. Don't worry," she repeated again, presenting smiling to the nurse.
Young personally escorted them. TJ's heart beat faster again from his proximity. Last words, last chance to tell him everything now. There was a moment TJ already collected with thoughts going to tell him everything and then go to the shuttle and fly away, while the colonel would be digest the news. But looking at him she changed her mind. Young had enough problems, it would be unfair if she tell him everything and run away. It was a problem for both of them, they must solve it together. Although ... it was nothing left to solve.
TJ sat down in her seat, her hand was laid on the belly the instinctive gesture which she got not so long times ago, the simple desire to protect the unborn child from all the problems of the world. Scott picked up the shuttle from Destiny. TJ met his eyes, she felt he was little bit concern. Matt was very attentive. It made her a little nervous. She was glad that he did not pry, but simply took the shuttle to the planet.
Once again she breathed deeply the fresh air, closed her eyes with pleasure. The hand reached for the fastenings of her vest. Freedom. The freedom from everything. Chloe came close to her:
"Matt sent me to you to help."
TJ looked at the girl warily. To help? Why? She doesn't need help.
"Collect herbs for the infirmary," added Chloe seeing her confusion.
"Oh" TJ caught on, realizing that it's not about her, but about work. "Sorry, from a surplus of oxygen the brain doesn't work properly."
"Yes, it breathes here wonderfully." admitted Chloe, furtively glancing in the direction of Scott who was talking to Greer.
TJ smiled, noticing this motion:
"It will pass."
"What?"
"Everything. Come on, we need to settle down and then we have work to do. A lot of work," commanded lieutenant in a usual calm voice.
TJ was wistfully waiting for what will happen next. She could not fly, she did not want to. She understood it at the moment when Matt said that Destiny soon will be within reach, and Young gave the order to assemble. Common sense told her that the unknown planet could be dangerous, that cold winters will bring a lot of trouble, and strange aliens don't guarantee any safety. But now everything seemed to be better than Destiny. During these weeks she had the morning toxicosis, which was a good sign for her. Leather (это уже выделанная)) Skin had become a pleasant shade, the energy returned and TJ has a normal sleep. She slept all night without any spillages and dreams. She was ready to take a risk. For the sake of the baby. After all once people lived on the undeveloped areas and still live on other planets. They started from something and they could. TJ didn't want to think about the fact that the frightened Cole stayed on Destiny, about people who need her, about Young. She couldn't think about him. He is the only one who can persuade her to reconsider.
Scott went to report to the colonel about the situation. TJ knew that he made his decision too. She didn't understand what he was moved by: the tender feelings for Chloe, her own admission, the responsibility for the remaining? Is it important? Matt agreed. TJ saw understanding in his eyes when she said that she was pregnant. He didn't ask her who the father of a child is. He didn't ask anything. Just went to the shuttle. Now her secret was known both Matt and Chloe. TJ was afraid that Scott will report to Young and tell him…
TJ came up to shuttle. She heard the last Matt's words.
"Did you… did you tell him about me?"
Matt turned around, he didn't hear her footsteps.
"No, I left it for you. It's not my business." For some time he was silent, still believing that it's not his business, but still asked: "He is the father, isn't he? Sometimes I noticed how you look at each other, but I don't think that someone else knows. There were no rumors."
At the mention of this TJ felt her lips quivered and her eyes filled with tears. Damn hormones. She did not cry when she realized that fell in love with a married man. She did not cry when she was taken decisions on retirement. She did not cry even when they were brought to the Destiny, although she really wanted. But now she just could not hold back her tears. She wanted to stay here, her maternal instinct revived tied also with self-preservation instinct, and at the same time, she really wanted go back to Everett, in his cozy, warm, family embrace. She had not called him by name; pretending the wall between them. It was. But it worth thinking about him as air force colonel, as well as a beloved man, the father of her child, and the wall collapsed into small blocks. Matt walked over to the girl, hugged her and stroked her back. The last thing he wanted to see was her tears. She was his good friend, best, and he was ready to substitute his shoulder to her at any time:
"Everything will be fine. I will here and won't let anything bad happen to you."
The tears continued to flow. TJ buried her face in the Scott's shoulder. She was so tired.
They were in tension watching the dot in the sky; it was the second shuttle from Destiny. It was piloted by Young. Matt and TJ stood in front of others . They were senior officers; they bear a burden of responsibility for these people. They first had to answer to the Colonel for their decision. TJ was trembling, though it was warm. She waited for Young with the fear, knowing that she is hardly able to stand before him. Would it be an order or a please, it does not matter - TJ knew that she couldn't resist. He has to say just a spoke, calmly and confidently as always. She didn't listen, she didn't think, she was expecting. She didn't know what she wanted to hear. Probably nothing. She was afraid of his words.
"TJ," Young looked at the girl who didn't say the word. She wasn't looking at him, "we need you on the ship."
And what about you? Do you need me? Her heart sank again. How do you react to the news? How should I'll tell it? TJ looked at Matt, at Chloe, as if begging for their forgiveness, that she didn't advocate their interests. It has always been and always will be, for Young enough to tell the word, just to call her by name. She went and stood behind her commander glancing longingly the place which could become her home. Home for her and for her unborn child. She mentally said goodbye to this beautiful place, with a waterfall, with green trees, with mountains, their tops were covered with mist. She saw Young straight back, Matt's eyes. TJ knew if she would go back, Matt, Chloe and the rest would go. They wouldn't stay here without militaries, without a doctor. No one but herself and Matt know that she did not think about those who need it. She thought about Young. Matt nodded and took a step forward.
TJ sat on the observation deck again. Again there were glares of hyperspace tunnel. She heard the footsteps behind and recognized them.
"Why did you decide to stay there?"
"I'm tired," she was trying not to look at the colonel.
"Is it the only reason?"
TJ hesitated, but answered affirmative:
"Yes. I did not want to bring the troubles to you, sir, but I believed I was right."
Young sighed. He wanted to tell her that she was not supposed to do so. Because he needs her. But he didn't say. He had no right to speak about it. They decided it at Icarus. He should not spoil her life only because of his own feelings.
"I'm glad you're back." - With these words he left.
She honestly wanted to tell him. But once again the transmitter revived. Young went away and TJ was watching after him again. If such a pace they will move, she will tell him everything just before childbirth. TJ sighed looking at a bottle and trying to remember what should be its content. Where does she take the courage next time? How to make him stay a little longer to listen? She pursed her lips. Okay, now he really can not have time for that conversation. Destiny gave them surprises all the time, no one has free time, although it was impossible to say that everyone was busy working to exhaustion. But Scott and his team have found adventures. TJ straightened her tank top. She should find more suitable clothing. She struggled to mask the slightly marked tummy by uniform jacket, but it won't help soon. TJ figured where she can get clothes. She should ask the civil, maybe she can find some larger size shirts.
TJ pulled the radio. It's time to finish it:
"Colonel, it's TJ."
"Go ahead."
"Have they left?"
"Yes. Unfortunately it's a very short window." His voice sounded concern. She knew how good Young treated his deputy; he liked the lively Eli and sweet Chloe. His plans didn't include parting with three crew members.
"Do you have some time to talk in private?"
Young's excuse was too long; TJ had no time to answer, when there was silence. Apparently his transmitter discharged. She was gazing her own transmitter some time, then decided to do more useful things. It was a surprise to hear some time later:
"Hey, TJ. Listen, I'm sorry. One thing turned into another and the next thing you knew, a five minute update is ..."
"I'm pregnant." In one breath blurted TJ, fearing that once again will not have time to say.
There was silence.
"You're pregnant?" Colonel asked digesting the news.
TJ nodded and everything inside her chilled. She waited for his reaction and prayed that he wouldn't ask her who the father is. And he didn't.
"How-how far along are you?"
"About twenty-two weeks. It's yours ... ours." She didn't understand why she said it. It looked like as if she prevented his question, but it seemed he wasn't going to doubt her words. His face still reflected surprise. The rest of the conversation was in a fog for TJ, she was so afraid of his words, that heard almost nothing
Young took her hands in his and touched them by his lips. He was just sunk by wave of love and tenderness. There was nothing at this moment all around except TJ. Maybe everything was strange, but he was happy, he understood it at this very moment when his mind to grasp the meaning of her words. The baby. Their future. And even if they hang in space in another galaxy, not in the most welcoming place, he has TJ. Now he had all the rights to worry about her.
"We're gonna work out how to make this work, that's what we're gonna do. We're gonna make it work, OK?" He promised her.
Tears streaming down her cheeks, she could hardly understand what has been he said, and did not believe that it was over. It ended the weeks of loneliness and fear, and now she was not alone. Now he was back to her. She forced herself to smile, took a step forward and Young hugged her.
She smiled. And he smiled. They smiled to each other by meetings. Every time they were in the same room TJ noticed the warm gazes he gave her. Every time she smiled at him, on his lips appeared a smile in return. Perhaps it was crazy, but in this situation, they both were happy.