Call and Answer - Arashi Kishuu

by Margot

Arashi reflects on her feelings for Sorata (pulled from the manga). PG for swearing.

Call and Answer : Arashi Kishuu by Margot - Nov. 23 2000 rewrite July 21 2001

It happened again.

Another kekkai has been destroyed.

I can't concentrate on anything while trying to decipher my emotions. I suppose... I am furious. Horrified, maybe.

Although clearly no one else can tell. People can't read my face. No one knows how I feel.

So many people have died. So many families have been destroyed. Perhaps the reason I am so angry, yet so stationary, is because I understand what it feels like to lose a family, but feelings only make it worse. It seems... disrespectful, even, to be sad for the people who have lost. Their loved ones are not my business.

Sorata-kun is visibly angered. Unlike myself, his emotions are visible on his face. Every kekkai destroyed is like a personal attack to him. The death of loved ones is very much his business. He thinks he is responsible for everyone.

I suppose every one of us is an individual in that way. Although some of us are more individual than others.

Sorata-kun and I are very different. He likes to be a Dragon of Heaven because he likes to know that he is protecting people. When he fails, he is angry because people are dead.

I hate my responsibility to people. I am not angry when I failed. I am afraid. I am afraid of failure. I do not want to protect people because of what I feel if I fail. I suppose I am selfish for this reason, but one cannot help one's emotions. One can only suppress them.

Before I can even wonder why we did not know this was going to happen, Sorata-kun answers my question for me; the Princess Hinoto is unwell. She has been unable to inform us of her dream. I almost forgot. How foolish.

Sorata-kun says that after Kamui returned from his meeting with the princess, he looked so thoughtful. He says, something must have happened inside the dreamscape. Then he asks why I look startled.

I had not realized I was. But I realize now.

I am responsible for Kamui and yet I failed to observe what Sorata-kun observed. Shit. I simply say I hadn't noticed Kamui's expression.

Sorata-kun smiles and says Kamui is easy to read. Sorata-kun is smarter than most people think. Before I can even stop myself, I ask him...

"Can you read me too? What am I thinking right now?"

I quickly realize how absurd, and even rude, my question is, and shut my mouth, but the question has already been asked.

Sorata-kun smiles again. "'This guy looks frivolous, but he can be observant, too.'"

Much smarter.

"However, there are things that I can't say for sure. For example, what do you think of me?"

I stare. What sort of response does he expect from me?

"I love you. I'm not teasing you. I'm serious. I've decided that if I have to die for someone, that someone will be you. Are my feelings nothing but trouble to you? Am I merely one of the Dragons of Heaven in your eyes?"

My first thought is, how can he speak so easily? And then comes the onslaught of emotions. Sadness. Anger. Guilt. Everything all at once. I don't want Sorata-kun to want to die for me. What a selfish thing to tell someone. Now, if he dies, I will feel responsible. I will have failed him. I don't want the weight of his death, or anyone's death, on my shoulders. He doesn't know me. How can he love me? For this, I am guilty. What have I done to warrant the love of another? And sadness, because...

Because I don't know why. I don't want to know why. I don't want to feel these feelings at all.

And he doesn't stop. He takes some of my hair in his hands and holds it to his lips.

"I think that you are becoming more relaxed around me. Have I gotten the wrong impression?"

I feel... I don't know. I am not good at reasing people; that much is obvious. Apparently I'm even worse at reading myself. And still, he stares at my expectantly.

If he loved me, he wouldn't force me to put my feelings into words.

I can't look at him, but I do anyway. I look straight into his eyes without even knowing what I will say.

"I..."

"Arisugawa-san!"

It's Imonoyama-san, flanked by Takamura-san and Ijyuin-san. Somehow I find that my legs have carried me away from Sorata-kun; I glance back and, predictably, it is a joke to him. I look away but I can still hear his conversation.

"It seems that I have interrupted you."

I can hear Sorata-kun laugh.

"Not at all. It was a one-sided courtship. To her, your arrival must have been a timely rescue."

It was. But not of the reason Sorata-kun thinks.

He saved me from being a fool. I started a sentence I did not know how to finish. What was I supposed to say... "I love you too?"

It would have sounded stupid.

I look back at Sorata-kun. I am out of his mind for now. He is concentrating on his work. He can sometimes seem a bit "frivolous," as he says, but he is a very gentle person.

Sorata-kun sometimes acts like he thinks he is unworthy of my love. I think it is I who is unworthy of his.

I'm so confused.

I grasp the bit of hair Sorata-kun held to his lips and twirl it in my fingers I stare at it. Thoughts are travelling a mile a minute.

But for a moment, I just smile and hold it against me.

Maybe, sometimes, things are not as complicated as they seem.