Innocence is a Terrible Thing to Waste
Note and Disclaimer: Obviously, I still don't own M*A*S*H and its characters, plots and storylines. However, I'm still on "Priestly Blunders", so I hope you enjoy and do apologize for it being a little longer than the rest of them.
September 30, 1950, 2050 Hours
Throughout these days here in Korea, with the war raging around us so dexterously and full of disaster, I seem to learn many things and it's not just that the guilty are innocent and vice versa. Moreover, it only seems that the adults are more childlike and sillier than I thought previously and each day brings more and more laughter, even if it seems a little more than harmless.
Although, I agree with God above us, that everything has a sense of humor somewhere. Every silver lining always has an overtone of hilarity to it and He above likes to make it happen, usually in his infinitely mysterious ways.
Anyhow, as I sit here and try to read these precious lines from the Bible, dripping with some pudding still, I must think back on today. Surely, it was an act of insanity and an act of sabotage and sheer insubordination, as Majors Burns and Houlihan have already explained to Colonel Blake. However, with Hawkeye, Trapper, Spearchucker and Ugly John in so much trouble with everyone already, it's no wonder that the camp is laughing behind their hands.
And it's all because of a little joke…
~00~
September 30, 1950, 1300 Hours
It all started in Post-Op, earlier this afternoon. It had been a sad state of affairs there already. A mother had come in a few days previously, given birth to her son, and died that morning from a rare infection, so the mood was depressing, to say the least. However, each man in the ward had taken a shining to the woman with the baby because of how precious life had been. With the boy without parents (and I had searched far and wide for the father), it's sad to say that he'll end up in the orphanage with the good Sisters.
I was watching as each wounded man, if they could, take that child and hold him tightly. It was very touching, each with tears on his face as the baby gurgled and begged for food. I had already passed on a bottle of powdered milk (the best I could come up with), so each was also taking a turn feeding the little one.
Suddenly, though, a door opened to my right as I stood in the middle of the floor, amazed. Radar had popped his head in, searching for someone, and found what he was looking for. He directly went to Major Houlihan, who was on duty and writing her report at the desk, and handed her a note. From my position, I could smell heavy aftershave lotion and it was the one usually worn by Major Burns.
I watched the new exchange with interest, forgoing the men with the baby for a while. My tears were already spent on prayer and I found it urgent to see what was going on rather than watch them more with regret, much as I know that God will somehow help to provide for all of those children in need.
"This is for you, Sir," Radar started as he handed a note to Major Houlihan. "It's from Major Burns."
"Surely, it mustn't be," Major Houlihan replied hotly, rudely taking the note from Radar and smiling secretly as she opened it, sniffing the scent. Then, turning back to Radar, she added in a commanding tone, "You can leave now. I'll take care of this."
"Yes, Sir." Radar was about to go back through the doors and peek at Major Houlihan reading her note, but then saw me. He then walked to me quickly, saying, "Hello, Father. Did you hear the news from the Mess Tent?"
"What news, Radar?" I was curious, not quite ignoring the nervous laughter of the wounded men and the baby. "What's going on now? Are they serving dinner later than usual because of the expected casualties?"
"No, but remember the chocolate pudding that was shipped out especially for us?"
I became suspicious immediately. "Yes. What about it?"
"Well," Radar said, looking down as he shyly put his hands behind his back. "The cook says that it's gone missing. Colonel Blake already put in an announcement for it, but he was wondering if you could add something later on, when he gives an update on it. Everybody's disappointed that it's gone and all and with you being a priest and all, we were wondering if…"
Radar trailed in his sentence, but I understood his meaning as I put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "Yes, I'll make sure to put a favorable word in for the culprit who stole the goods, Radar. I do have to promise that…that…"
I suddenly stopped, seeing something that I did not expect.
"That what, Father?" Radar instantly followed my gaze, to where Major Houlihan was, and saw what I did.
"Radar, what made Major Houlihan leave?" I then asked him, to change the topic as I noticed a ghost sitting in her seat. "She's the only one on duty, isn't she?"
"Yeah, Father, as far as I know."
"Where did the note come from?"
Radar swallowed hard, so I knew that it didn't come from where he said it did.
"Come on, Radar," I almost begged. "You can tell me. I won't tell anyone."
"Spearchucker told me to give it to Major Houlihan," Radar revealed in a guilty tone. "He said that it was from Major Burns, but the last I saw of Major Burns, he had been stuck in the latrine all morning, reading his National Geographic. Apparently, Hawkeye said he had –"
"I need not know his maladies," I interrupted gently. "Did Spearchucker also tell you to give a note to Major Burns?"
"No, Trapper did," Radar replied, still as guilty as sin (and I can't blame him). "He said that Major Houlihan told him to give it to Major Burns, but since I was doing mail, I might as well give it to him."
"Do you know what each note said?" I started getting an idea of what was conspiring, but I needed some sort of clue.
Radar appeared surprised, like I knew him so well, but answered me honestly, telling me that he was in on this conspiracy all along. "You know that I can't go through the mail and stuff, Father, but I'm pretty sure that they both told the other to meet someplace. I think it was behind the newest V.I.P. tent."
"Oh, dear Lord," I only muttered, running outside quickly and hooking a left, passing the Swamp, latrines and the Nurses' Tent.
I hope that I'm in time! I don't want those boys to get into trouble again. They've had enough over their heads as it is. It's not only Klinger who's been threatened with the stockade!
I was about to reach the V.I.P. tent when I heard some familiar voices coming from behind it. It wasn't reassuring to me, either, but I had to keep running in order for the prank to be stopped this time. And I was so close, too…
"Margaret, you know that I have to stay…oh, you know, over there," I heard Major Burns say urgently.
"Oh, Frank, don't be silly! You can handle…oh, a few minutes away from the latrines." Major Houlihan's seductive whine enforced her conviction to stay there. "I think that being away those help make it go away…"
The two of them giggled with uncertainty, but had not realized the trap that they put themselves into. As I reached the V.I.P. tent and turned to meet them behind it, I caught a quick glimpse of Spearchucker and Ugly John at the other corner of it by some ropes. Both were snickering and looking at the Majors with a little juvenile contempt.
"Oh Margaret…" Major Burns had started to nibble on Major Houlihan's neck as I arrived and insolently interrupted them.
"You…you…y-you have to leave!" I blurted out, much to their annoyance as they both faced me. "You have to go before something –"
"Bombs away!" I heard Hawkeye and Trapper exclaim as a sound, almost like a tidal wave from the Lord himself, roared in our ears.
Majors Burns and Houlihan saw what was happening before I did, clenching each other tightly and screaming for their lives. Sweating and out of breath myself, I could hardly comprehend was going on before my hearing and vision were taken away by surprise. My feet under me were swept away. Something cold and gooey trapped itself into the finest corners of my body, from head to toe. And some of them were places where I thought to never think about unless to clean!
The wave of chocolate pudding (for I knew that it was the missing food) pulled the three of us down and towards Post-Op. Thousands of pounds worth of pudding controlled our motions, not allowing us to stand up and walk away. No, the Good Lord had us taken away our senses, as if to teach us a lesson in humility.
Alas, I think the lesson was not for me this time. I think it was more aimed for Majors Burns and Houlihan.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, I opened to eyes, but they were seeing darkness. I weakly moved my arm, heavy with pudding, and pulled my glasses off of me, wiping them with nothing more than a dirty sleeve. Then, replacing them, I stood up uneasily, but was helped up by none other than Trapper and Hawkeye.
"Easy, Father," Trapper said as he steadied by feet, eager to keep me from slipping. "This wasn't meant for you."
"To hell it was!" Major Burns swore, himself and Major Houlihan finally standing up (I could barely see it). "You…you….you animals meant for this to happen! You're all a bunch of no-good guilty hooligans!"
"And this will surely be on report!" Major Houlihan added angrily. "This will be the end of the four of you!"
I knew that this was going to happen, but suppressed a ridiculous smile nonetheless.
"What is it, Father?" Hawkeye asked me, seeing my own little grin. He then took my glasses, cleaned them for me, and placed them back on, allowing me to see clearly once more.
"Oh, nothing, nothing," I answered him, trying to wipe the pudding from my arms as he and Trapper let me go, thanking him for my vision. "I was just thinking."
"About what?" Ugly John came up with Spearchucker, the two of them still snickering.
"Oh, just that innocence seems to be a terrible thing to waste, especially in a place like this," I only said, picking up my heavy feet and trying to walk away. From behind me, I heard Colonel Blake's loud questions and the Majors arguing with him.
~00~
September 30, 1950, 2105 Hours
Suddenly, as if being interrupted from a good dream of peace, I hear a knock on my door. It sounded a little urgent.
"Come in," I called out, having an idea of who it might be and was correct in my assumptions.
"Ah, good evening, Father Mulcahy," Colonel Blake greeted, answering my call without delay, a stack of papers in his hands. "I've got some things for you to testify, initial and sign."
"Oh, what for?" I was playing my innocence too well, but was sure of what I was supposed to be reading over and signing.
"Major Burns and Major Houlihan want you to confirm what happened today," Colonel Blake announced, handing over the papers to me without sitting down. "They want you to collaborate with them and file charges against Pierce, McIntyre, Jones and Black. It's bad enough that both Jones and Black are probably going to be transferred to a unit closer to the Front."
I wanted to gasp, but kept my thoughts and feelings to myself. I would not wish that transfer on Ugly John and Spearchucker.
"Furthermore," Colonel Blake continued, "I would like your statement on the matter. I already interviewed the Majors and Radar. Now, can you tell me what happened, in your own words?"
I motioned Colonel Blake to the seat next to me. He took it, sitting so intently and waited for me to speak. I, on the other hand, thought, everything racing in my mind. I did not want those four in any trouble, but wanted to tell the truth, as the Eight Commandment orders us to do. At the same time, it also seemed my duty to tell Colonel Blake about Major Houlihan running off when she was on duty.
I smiled once more, putting my Bible and those papers down, finally knowing how to start. "Well, you see, Colonel, it started like this…"
I have researched the proper names for Spearchucker and Ugly John. Yes, Ugly John's last name was Black as Spearchucker's was Jones. All four of them (Spearchucker and Ugly John as well) were also Captains, all drafted.