Chapter 1: Confessions of a *censored*
"Raymond?" I heard my grandma call from downstairs. Along with the sound of floor boards quietly creaking at her steps.
"Crap." I mumbled under my breath as I quickly closed down the provocative tab I was currently on, wipe down the mess I just made, all the while trying to pull my pants back together before she entered the room. "This is taking too long!" I thought fearfully, rushing even faster as I heard the sounds of footsteps get closer and closer. And it was at the third creak that I began to move at max speed, which could only be described as a blur moving between chair, floor, and desk, the sound of a clanging belt buckle evident throughout all of it.
"Raymond?" She asked again, followed by the sound of the doorknob turning.
"Shit!"
"Is everything okay?" She asked, opening a door exposing a slightly wrinkled face with curly grey hair.
"Oh yeah, everything's fine. How are you?" I said, breathing heavily while sitting down in the chair behind me.
"Well, I'm doing fine right now, but I just wanted to know if you could help me get some groceries from Nublix"
"Yeah, sure, just give me a second to turn everything off."
"Alright dear." She said kindly, closing the door behind her. Letting out a sigh of relief, I made a brief check around the room to see if I had left any evidence of my previous activities.
"Oh come on." I mumbled as I felt a certain something rub up directly against my blue jeans, and I know, boxers are useful when it comes to hygiene, but to me they just get in the way. But enough about that, onto the more pressing issue. "Why won't you just stay down!" This was an average issue for me believe it or not, it might sound like something that anyone guy would see as a gift from god himself. Having stamina like mine could easily be seen as something some guy could brag about to his bros, or some random chick at a bar, but in reality, it's REALLY FUCKING annoying. It takes actual time and effort to get this thing down, and if I don't get enough time, "it just won't...go...down!" I thought to myself while i was 'casually' punching my dick.
"Raymond? Are you coming?"
"Yeah! Sorry, just...having some trouble."
"Will you be okay?" she asked with a concerned tone.
"Yeah! Just…" I replied, deciding to just go old school on have the tip stick out from the bridge of my pants, leaving my white shirt with an american flag design to cover the tip. "Had to get something straight."
"Oh good." She said pleased as I opened up the door and walked down stairs, trying to suppress the 'I just came' glow that comes with the territory of personal pleasure. She had very basic clothes, she never really cared for appearance and would often be seen wearing a silky dress that reached down beneath her knees.
"So are you ready?" She asked seeing me head over to the closet behind her. Only nodding in response, I put on a light black hoodie since the forecast had said that the temperature outside was in the low 40s outside today. What? I lived in New York for the better part of my 17 years of life, a little breeze wasn't gonna kill me.
"Figured I'd put this on before you said anything."
"You know me too well." She said with a nice smile, reaching up to ruffle my curly brown hair. "Now let's get a move on. I got some coupons for some extra cartons of milk for the week, and I want to use them up before they expire."
"Shouldn't they last until March?" I asked as I was getting into the passenger side of the slightly rusty Ford Pinto.
"Yes but you know how I am with things, why wait till the last minute to do something?" She explained as we began to drive out of the driveway. "Speaking of which, you went down to a C again in algebra because of a Chapter 11 homework sheet. Care to explain?"
"So he's up to THAT again is he?" I grumbled under my breath.
"What was that?"
"Nothing, just wondering what classes I have tomorrow."
"Shouldn't you know that already?"
"Well…" I trailed off.
"What am I going to do with you?" She said as she rolled her eyes.
After a few moments of silence, we had arrived at the market and were walking through the mechanical doors.
"So what else do we need?"
"Umm," She hummed while sifting through her purse, "We've been running of tissue really fast recently. If I'd have to say, it's been over two entire boxes a week. Well it has mainly been you using them. Are your allergies acting up again?"
"Yeah.," I lied while sheepishly rubbing the back of my head "Cotton seems to be everywhere this season."
"Alright sweetie." She said without a doubt in her mind that I was telling her the truth. For the most part, the trip was uneventful, except for one instance in the ice cream aisle.
"What are you in the mood for this time? Rocky Road, Caramel, maybe some cones, or how about."
"Barbara Schoonmaker is that you?" Came and scraggly voice from the end of the aisle. Turning around we saw a lady HAD to have been in her mid 90s, and was wearing a strange assortment of tie-dye and khaki pants.
"Oh my lord is that you Mary?!" She squealed in joy.
"I haven't seen you since middle school!" They said in tandem.
"Oh great." I thought as I quickly rolled my eyes. Don't get me wrong., I did secretly feel happy for her that she was meeting an old friend, but knowing her, she was gonna be here for at least an hour. So, taking the opportunity, I gained some distance between me and them. I searched around for any desserts that would catch my eye.
"Monica were the hell are you?" I heard a girl mumble beside me. Turning my head only a few degrees, I saw a tan girl around my age standing to my right with her back facing toward me. Now I'm not a creep mind you, but I'm not one to to pass up an opportunity like this, I am a male with hormones after all. Tthough overworked as they may be. Looking down for a quick peek at what lies below, I could tell that she didn't have what I was looking for if the size of the shorts had anything to say about it, but she did have a nice firm ass though, which was a plus in my book. It only took a few seconds before I felt the blood rush to my cheeks.
"Stop staring!" I berated myself before forcing my eyes to look away. "U-um, excuse me."
"Hmm?" She hummed, turning around, revealing her beautiful face and a tiny crop top that exposed a nice pair of D-cup breasts.
"!" I exclaimed, trying to maintain eye-contact with the tanned skinned goddess before me.
"What do you want kid?" She asked snappily.
"Wait, what?"
"I asked you a question. Bitch boy."
"..." I couldn't think of anything to say. Not because I was 'struck by her beauty' or 'her colorful vocabulary'. I didn't say anything because I had instantly realized that she was just a total bitch.
"Ugh, get out of my sight before you wake up inside on of these fridges."
"Just let it go Raymond." I said before I turned around and walked away.
"Fucking creep." She said before walking away. "I bet you're dicks' as small as the gap between your braces!"
"I don't know what's worse your attitude or the fish that you hung between your legs this morning" I fired back before booking it the other direction. I ain't getting into a fight with ghetto, NEVER get into a fight with ghetto.
"Oh you got some comebacks eh? MONICA! WE GOT US A 'BIG MAN' OVER HERE!"
"WHAT YOU SAY BITCH?" Screamed a voice from the other aisle. I was gonna question how she knew where she was, until I saw a lock of purple jump above said aisle with two knives in hand. "He dissin you girl?"
"Damn right he did, called me lez and everything."
"Oh he goin down!" She said as she pulled even more knives from her weave.
"What the hell?!"
"Oh yeah!" Monica said as she ran at me with a knife in each knuckle. Due to the fact that I had NO plans on becoming a human shish-kebab today, I made the wise choice of promptly grabbing gram getting the hell out of there.
"Raymond! What do you think you're doing?!" Gram exclaimed while I held onto her wrist with a vice-grip while running down the aisle.
"Sharkeisha!"
"Oh her again? That girl just needs to leave you alone." She explained as a knife flew by her head, cutting off a chunk of her hair. "Oh joy, looks like I'll need to go to the barber, again."
"Get back here Ramen! I just wanna cut off a noodle or two!" Monica yelled as we burst through the glass of the front door.
"Get in the car! Get in the car! Get-in-the-car!" I ordered as we made a right turn towards it.
"Did we ever pay for any of this?" Gram asked as another knife flew by her, only this time leaving a small cut by my cheek.
"IS THAT REALLY IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW?!?!?!"
"I suppose not. And watch your tone young man! You may be taller than me but that still doesn't mean-"
"Okay I'm sorry but can we PLEASE get going?" I pleaded as we both entered the ford at the same time.
"I guess they'll just put it on my tab." She said to herself as she started up the engine. "Oh my! Looks like she's in top shape tonight!" Gram pointed out while seeing Monica jumping from car to car in an attempt to get closer.
"WHY ARE YOU COMPLIMENTING HER?!?" I mentally screamed, finally feeling the car start to set in motion.
"Not today Noodle-man!" Monica promised as she leapt from the last car in front of us, landing on all fours on the hood. I thought I was about to have a god damn heart attack as she pulled another knife from her weave and stabbed it into the windshield. Wordlessly, I saw Gram floor the gas pedal and the brakes at the same time. "Umm, Gram?"
"Trust me sweetie." She said, never letting her sweet smile falter.
"But isn't th-AAAAHHHH!!!" I screamed, seeing her lifted her leg from the brake. Not prepared to feel the full force of the sudden change in motion, my body nearly flattened to the chair, while my eyes could only stare on in horror as we nearly broke the sound barrier with our speed. Just what was this car made of?!?
"You...ain't… gettin rid of me...that easily." Monica groaned while lifting her head at me with a sadistic rage in her eyes. Was no one else on the road going to question this? I couldn't have been the only one that would find this strange right? "RAH!" She growled as she punch a hole through with window and tried to grab onto me.
"You kids have the strangest ways to confess to people." Gram said with a shake of her head before turning to an empty street. She continued to drive forward while Monica tried to rip me a new one before she unexpectedly slammed on the breaks forcing Monica off the car but still somehow leaving the knife where it was.
"Jesus christ!" I thought as I saw Monica's body fly back onto the concrete and see her body bounce off against the ground.
"Bitch!" She groaned, gripping onto her slightly bleeding arm.
"Words of advice!" Gram called out to her from the driver seat, gripping the blade of the knife before pulling it out of the window. "Flick it before you throw it! Adds some accuracy to the throw!"
"Why would you-" I began before she threw the knife right in between Monica's jean covered legs.
"And keep those safe for him!" She finished before driving off to the distance.
"How did you...Why did...how...why-"
"Sorry dear. Forgot about the tissues" Gram said.