PART OF ME

Set Post ME1 & ME2 pre ME3. One Shot.

Paragon FemShep/Kaidan angst… Inspired by a post on the Mass Effect Head Canon blog (..com/tumblr_lup287qTc31r49876o1_?AWSAccessKeyId=AKIAJ6IHWSU3BX3X7X3Q&Expires=1331160847&Signature=8rmrcQTL%2BIpY8qYAdMt8nsJ%2F%2FYE%3D ) – I have no idea who submitted the head canon, but whoever you are, thank you, & I hope you don't mind me playing with it. As soon as I saw it, it wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it. This is my first ever fanfic & I don't have a beta. Please be kind.

I don't any of these characters or settings… they belong to BioWare.

She stood outside the door to his rented quarters on the Citadel, clutching the datapad so hard that her knuckles were white. She all but trembled with indecision. Her heart thumped and blood roared in her ears and she mentally cursed herself for being weak. It had been a long time since she felt the emotional fear that plagued her now, and she didn't like it one bit. It left her off balance and anxious. Finally, with a deep breath, she raised her hand to the door console, alerting the man inside to her presence. Barely a moment passed, a soft hiss and the doors yawned open before her.

She stepped forward into the room and the doors folded themselves shut behind her. She felt suddenly trapped in the small functional space. She went to the place inside herself that she used for battle, digging deep in an attempt to calm her agitated nerves. How could she feel only a heart pumping adrenaline facing down a thresher maw on foot, yet tremble in fear in the presence of her former lover. She quickly realised the answer. A physical wound could be treated. Healed with medi-gel & a trip to the Med Bay. Emotional hurt, emotional wounds… they didn't heal so quickly. They could stay open and raw and linger inside you without anyone even knowing. At first she didn't see him in the shadows, but as he rose from his chair and stood to his full height, her heart gave a little lurch at the sight of him. Dear god, would that ever stop?

"Shepard." His tone carried a hint of surprise. He clearly hadn't been expecting her. The lack of rank mentioned set the tone for their conversation and she didn't know if she should be further on edge or relax. There was a certain safety to hiding behind rank & file, a certain distance between them that wasn't physical. For this conversation, she didn't want distance. She followed his lead.

"Kaidan."

They stood at opposite ends of the room, she had barely moved from inside the door, clearly uncomfortable in his quarters. He could see that she was ill at ease, but for the moment, he drank her in. Since that moment he saw her again, alive, on Horizon, she had been on his mind. Hell, since the day he met her she had been on his mind if he was honest with himself. He had tried to be mad at her when she died, sacrificing herself to ensure Joker got off the Normandy safely but despite the pain it caused, he was secretly proud of her. That's why she was a leader that commanded so much respect. She got shit done, but was always in the fray first. She never asked of others what she wouldn't be willing to do herself, but then when rumours had circulated she was in fact, alive, kicking & working with Cerberus, he did get mad. Briefly, he recalled their meeting on Horizon, he hadn't realised it at the time, but her still healing scars had been the proof that what she had said was true. Her skin now was smooth, her dark hair still the same as when their first met. She shifted slightly under his scrutiny, moving imperceptibly from one foot to the other. He only recognised her agitation because he knew her so well, had studied and loved every part of her. Their eyes met and held.

"When we were on Horizon, you were angry with me because you thought I didn't try to contact you." She said, her tone brusque and businesslike. She had unwittingly slipped into CO mode, even though they were now equal rank. She continued. "I didn't want to reopen old wounds, I knew that after 2 years, you would have moved on." Shepard suddenly remembered the letter he had sent, the Doctor on the Citadel & her heart clenched. She fought on, squashing down the hurt and the jealousy. "I didn't want to make the same mistake again."

Her head dipped and she looked down at the datapad in her hand. She still warred with herself about giving this to him. What would it really achieve? Would it upset him so much that it could derail his commitment to the mission he was now working on? Knowing his single minded focus, she doubted it but was it fair to him to upset his equilibrium like this. What could it possibly change? Was she being selfish? Part of her wanted him to know, so that she wouldn't be alone in her grief. Was that selfish? She suddenly felt weary. She had wrestled with this decision ever since she found the information in the Shadow Broker's lair, going over and over it. But he had a right to know. Sooner or later, he would realise she had changed, that her biotics had grown in power, something seemingly impossible to achieve in an adult without the use of a degenerative stimulant. Sooner or later he would confront her, accuse her, and accuse Cerberus. Better he knows now, and has the time to deal, rather than later on when… well, knows what could happen. She took a deep breath and steeled herself. She crossed the room to where he stood, trying not to acknowledge the bed that stood so close. She quickly stopped herself from slipping into those memories, but as she got closer, his familiar scent assailed her. For an instant, she was back on the original Normandy, in his arms & loving him with a desperation born of honestly not expecting to survive their next mission.

She wordlessly held out the datapad to him, meeting his eyes without emotion. He looked down and reached to take it, confusion on his face. "I don't understand."

"When I discovered the Shadow Broker's lair, I found dossiers. Dossiers on almost everyone and everything. Including us."

His head flicked up sharply, his eyes narrowing. His husky voice grew dangerous. "Us?"

She made a gesture with her hand. "You, me, the alliance." She paused. "Cerberus."

He quickly tapped a few buttons & briefly scrolled through the information on the datapad. There were pages of it, so much information. He looked up again as she took a step back away from him. Away from the memories that threatened to overwhelm her. "I debated with myself long & hard about whether I should give this to you. I don't know if it will help, or hinder." She shook her head. "But I didn't want a repeat of Horizon."

He winced inwardly at her words. He had been so angry, so hurt on Horizon. His heart still ached at what he had lost. He looked down again at the datapad, unsure what to do. "Why do I get the feeling this is a Pandora's box?"

Her lip quirked in a lopsided almost smile. "I suppose you could call it that," she said ruefully. He had missed that dry tone of hers.

For a moment their eyes met again, and this time held. Without effort, she was lost in his dark orbs, she always was. He was older now, there was a sprinkle of grey in the dark curls at his temples, and extra lines around his eyes, but he was still the same Kaidan she remembered. Her heart ached with all the unspoken words she wanted to say to him, but it had been too long. Too much had happened.

Abruptly, she looked away. "I should go." She turned on her heel and left the room without a backwards glance.

For almost 2 hours, Kaidan stared down the datapad, sitting innocuously on his desk. The room was dim, lit only a side lamp, its clean white light on the pad. He had the sense that whatever was on this datapad had the power to change his life forever. Did he want that? He had fought for a tenuous semblance of balance, of life again after her death, her betrayal to Cerberus, and he still struggled to control his emotions, the memories in her presence. He rubbed his forehead. A migraine was coming on. Did he really want to lose it all & potentially upset the balance? There was so much more at stake. Maybe ignorance really was bliss? He barked a laugh out loud and it echoed in the empty room. The damn council certainly though so. But forewarned is forearmed. After another long moment where he stood there waging an inner war with himself, he reached for the pad, sat down on the bed and flicked through the dossiers.

He was shocked by what he found.

"Did you know?"

Shepard had expected this. She expected the confrontation would come and had thought herself to be mentally prepared, but hearing the pain in his voice hit her for six. She turned around to face him. "This isn't the best place to discuss it."

He glanced around the room on the Presidium where he had found her waiting for a moment of Anderson & Udina's time. It looked as though she had been there a while and would be for a bit longer. The peaceful tranquillity of the Presidium's lakes were in direct contrast to his warring emotions. It was mostly empty but there were still a few aliens around. He really didn't want to air this where they could he overheard, it really wouldn't do to cause a scene on the Human Embassy's doorstep. She recognised the agitation in him, and knew that this needed to be discussed now before it had a chance to fester. Falling into old habits, she spun on her heel and called over her shoulder. "Quarters. Now."

Once inside, she turned to him, leaning with one hip against the desk while he stood rigidly before her. She folded her arms across her chest. His eyes were dark, tight & haunted. "Did you know?" he asked again.

"Did I know before I died?" She shook her head. "No, I had no idea. It shouldn't have even been possible. All alliance women in service have implants, remember." She gave a one shouldered shrug and tried to force a smile in an effort to relive some of the tension. She was nervous, an unfamiliar state to her. "Maybe interference from the biotics had something to do with it."

He didn't relax, or move at all. She felt the hairs on the back of her neck prick and knew he was struggling to keep himself under tight control. The blue flames hadn't yet started to lick their way around his body, but she didn't expect them to. Ironclad control was Kaidan's calling card. "So Cerberus used our child's genetic material to increase your biotics?" He asked harshly, his eyes accusing. She was getting tired of him looking at her like that. Every time, it cut her like a knife.

"Yes, Kaidan. It's seems that's what they did."

He stared at her in disbelief. "And you're ok with that?" He stood up and paced the small room, his agitation clearly showing in his short, terse movements. He thought he couldn't have felt any more pain or loss than when he she died but he had been wrong. The knowledge that their passionate union the night before Ilos had created something that forever linked them tore at him. Something created in love in the midst of fear and destruction. He had no desire to father a child, not with the threat of the reapers hanging over the galaxy, and she was not created for motherhood but for battle, yet a part of him couldn't avoid going down that path in his mind, imaging what their child would have looked like, would have been like. In another life, they might have been happy. In another life, where there were no reapers, no bloodshed, no Sovereign, no Saren. Yet it was Saren & the reaper threat that had brought them together, that threat that had forged their bond, their relationship. His head started to hurt. His emotions warred from despair, to almost relief. Had the child survived, what would have become of it. Of them. Of the galaxy? But hearing her flat, toneless admission hurt. Did she not feel the loss of what could have been as well? Did it not mean anything to her? Cerberus took something precious and used it for their own means, mauled it, turned it into something abnormal. "I can't believe you would be okay with that? Our child!"

She unfolded her arms and straightened, her biotics unconsciously flaring. "Of course I wasn't okay with it!" She was angry now, her eyes sparking in anger, and in hurt. She had never imagined herself a mother, she never wanted children. She was a career solider and she was secretly pleased when the contraceptive implants were forced on her as part of her military service, not that she had any intention of utilising them anyway. It just wasn't on her radar. Not until a certain soft spoken LT slipped past her defences and worked his way into her heart. They both tried to fight it, but faced with their careers crumbling around them, and a threat to the galaxy no-one ever could imagine, they had stolen a few moments of comfort in each other's arms. It had been a soothing balm, a moment of peace before they went into battle. She didn't want the memory of it, or what it created, tarnished. "I didn't have a choice! I didn't even know I was pregnant! What did you expect me to do? Rise up on the operating table and demand they cease & desist? I didn't ask for this, Kaidan! I didn't ask to be brought back!"

Her fisted clenched, dark energy hummed, and blue flame flickered and crawled up her arm. She drew a deep breath, fighting for control and the flames faded. When she spoke, her voice was quiet. "I can't expect you to understand. I don't expect your forgiveness, I don't expect anything from you. What we had is gone, but I felt you deserved to know." She suddenly seemed to deflate in front of him, the fight went out of her.

"You were the love of my life, Kaidan. You were all I thought about when we went through the Omega 4 relay. It could so easily have been you on that Collector ship, lost with the rest of those colonists. I know you've moved on, I get that. But you know what, there is one thing I will be forever grateful to Cerberus for, and that was the piece of you that I carry with me always."

"What do you mean?" he asked, his mind rapidly trying to absorb her words.

She smiled sadly and stepped forward, raising a hand to his cheek. He was rigid, immovable, his eyes on fire, and she could feel the thrum of his biotics as he struggled to stay in control.

"There is a part of you that is a part of me now. Nothing with change it. And I'm grateful for it. Whatever happens, where ever this battle sends us, whether we defeat the reapers or not, I will always carry you with me. You're the reason I fight."

Long after she had left the room, he still stood immobile, still trying to absorb her words.

End.