Hopper had decided to ask El what she thought about it first. El had squealed with so much excitement when he brought it up, and again, when she found out that Joyce said yes. They planned their date for the next evening, when both of their kids were going to be out on sleepovers, Will at Mike's and El with Max. El had recently become interested in fashion, and so she helped Hopper pick out his clothes and even sprayed him with two puffs of cologne before she left, shouting, "Good luck! And you better kiss her!"
Inside the restaurant, Hopper sat anxiously waiting at a table for two. He didn't dare glance at his watch, though he already knew that he had been waiting for too long. After four cigarettes, he started to become worried, wondering what if something happened to her. He threw the red napkin back down on the table and stormed out, heading for her house.
She greeted him at the door before he even had a chance to knock. Her face was almost unreadable, but he'd seen that look before- Joyce was not okay.
"What's going on?" he asked immediately, searching her face for a sign.
She opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out. Hopper ushered her inside, closing the door behind them.
Joyce didn't want to tell him, but she knew that she could only avoid him for so long. She should have just shown up for the date and pretended that everything was alright. It would have been so much easier than seeing the hurt and worry on his face. But she had felt far too guilty to do that.
Her heart was beating much too fast, and she suddenly didn't want Hopper to see her this way, even though he had before. The worry only made everything worse, knowing that she couldn't stop it from happening; her panic was impossible to silence.
"Hop…I-" she managed to get out before she completely broke down. The built up anxiety over all of this made her lungs feel like they were on fire, and she struggled to catch her breath.
Hopper watched her chest rise and fall quickly. "Joyce?" he asked, reaching his arm out towards her.
"I'm- sorry," she stammered, the two words coming out between breaths. It felt heavy, as though she were apologizing for more than just not showing up for the date.
Hopper's arm hesitantly found her shoulder, not exactly sure if she had wanted to be touched. However, she collapsed against him, silently answering that question, and so he wrapped both arms around her, bringing her in closer to his body. He wasn't sure what caused any of this, but he knew that it was not good.
Maybe this was just all too much, too soon.
Fuck, of course, it was too much, too soon. It hadn't even been a year since she watched her boyfriend get mauled to death.
Hopper guided her over to the couch and helped her sit down. He knelt down in front of her, taking her shaking hands in his, forcing her to look at him. Hopper had helped her through a panic attack once before, but this time felt different.
"Hey, let's just breathe together, yeah? In…and out…" he coached her slowly, following along until she was able to do it on her own. When he was satisfied that she wasn't going to pass out, he sat down next to her and pulled her close.
"I can't do this anymore." Her voice sounded exhausted. "Hop, I hate this feeling. I hate being so afraid all the time." Though he doesn't know exactly what triggered it, he at least had a better understanding of why she was so upset. And it didn't seem like it had much to do with them going out on a dinner date.
He hated hearing her say those words so much that it nearly broke his heart. He desperately wished he could make everything better. He wanted to promise her that she was safe. He wanted to promise her that they were all going to be okay. But he knew that as much as he was, and would continue to fight for that, to promise that everything was going to work out, would only be a lie.
"I know, Joyce. I know," he told her instead. His hand stroked her back, if only to reassure her that she was safe right now, right here, in this moment. They sat in silence until she knew that she had to tell him.
She took a breath and gathered the courage to just get it out.
"We're leaving," she said softly.
"What?" Hopper asked, not comprehending what she meant.
"We're leaving Hawkins, Hop." Her voice was sad, and he hated it just as much as he hated the words that were coming out of her mouth.
"For how long?"
"When Jonathan goes to college in New York, we are going with him," she explained. She couldn't even look at him, and now it was his heart that wouldn't slow down.
"You mean, you are moving there? To New York?"
She couldn't say the words out loud again, so she just nodded instead.
As much as he couldn't help it, he was angry at her.
"You don't have to do this," he said, his voice uncharacteristically soft.
She shook her head and pulled away. "We can't stay here much longer. I'm so sick of worrying every moment of every day about Will. About all the what-ifs." She fidgeted with her hands in her lap.
The air rushed out of him when he realized that this wasn't just a passing thought; she was completely serious.
"So, what, you are just going to run away? You think that's going to fix everything?"
He's being selfish, and he knows it, but he can't stop himself from saying it out loud.
"It's not safe for us anymore," she declared, hoping he would understand.
Hopper wanted to argue that so badly, but he couldn't. She was right. Hawkins was not safe for her, for Will, for El, for any of them.
"When?" he finally conceded with a sigh.
"In the next few weeks."
Hopper grabbed her hand in his and squeezed it tightly, realizing that it was now or never. He had to tell her. He had to do something to stop this from happening.
"I'm really trying Joyce. You know, I'm working with Mayor Kline. And I know things seem a little out of hand right now, but it's going to get better." It was a lie, but he wasn't going to just let her walk away.
Joyce didn't respond immediately, and he pulled his hand out from hers, standing up to pace the floor.
She didn't like the silence or seeing him so anxious, so she got up and grabbed his arm to stop him. "Hop." Her voice was only a whisper. When he looked down at her, he saw the silent tears glistening on her cheeks.
He hated every fucking part of this, and he didn't want to see her in pain anymore, especially not because of him.
He puts his hand behind her head and lowered his lips, pressing them against hers. There was nothing sexual about it; it was merely a kiss of desperation.
When he pulled back, he whispered, "Please. Don't leave me." She closed her eyes, and he put his forehead down against hers.
"I'm sorry," she apologized again, just as she had when he had gotten there earlier.
His response came in the form of a heavy sigh.
"You- you could come with us," Joyce suggested weakly. Even though it was something that she had thought a lot about, she didn't think she would ever be brave enough to actually bring it up.
Why did it have to be New York, of all places? A place that, years ago, he had escaped from when he felt his whole world crumbling.
And suddenly here it was, happening again.
"I can't lose El," he spoke, his voice full of pain.
"She would come too," Joyce answered, as if that were obvious.
"She'd never agree to go...To leave all of her friends behind. Have you told Will?" he thought to add, realizing that telling him wouldn't be easy either.
"Soon. I wanted you to know first," she whispered.
His only hope now was that the kid would throw such a fit that she would have to change her mind, though she seemed pretty set on it already, so he knew it was unlikely. When it came down to it, Joyce would risk making her kid unhappy if it meant keeping him safe. It was understandable- he'd made the same sacrifice before too, but he knew he wouldn't be able to ask El to do it again.
A hundred thoughts rushed through his head all at once. God, he wanted to leave with her. To make all of this disappear, to take them all away to someplace safe, to give her and the kids the happiness that they deserved. It was what he'd been fighting for here in Hawkins for so long. But for the past few years, it always seemed like it was one step forward and two steps back, and he couldn't manage to get them out of that cycle.
"I should go," Hopper decided after a long pause. In addition to the other hundred emotions, he was still feeling quite angry, and he didn't want to take it out on her.
"Please don't." Joyce paused before continuing. "I'm so scared. Please," she pleaded weakly.
He didn't even turn around to look at her, even though she was begging him to. He took three more steps forward, placing his hand on the front door, until he heard her choke out a sob.
When he finally turned around, she had her face buried in her hands, and her shoulders shook with each sob. Even though this was her fault for choosing to go, for choosing to leave him, he knew that he couldn't just leave her like this all alone.
He walked back over to her and took her in his arms once more, and Joyce fell apart. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," she repeated again and again.
"Me too," Hopper murmured.
And though he was angry, he was also so sorry too. He was sorry he couldn't make her fear go away. He was sorry he wasn't enough to keep her safe in her home anymore. He was sorry that he couldn't follow her like she'd asked.
The two of them ended up in her bed that night, though they did nothing more than sleep. Hopper would be lying if at the beginning of this day, he said that was not where he hoped their night would end up, but he'd never imagined it would have been like this. He kissed her forehead, and stroked her hair until her eyes finally closed, and she fell asleep clinging to the only thing keeping here in Hawkins.