Who Is The Real Kathryn Janeway?
I look in the mirror and wonder what others see when they look at me. Do they see only the captain or does the mask slip on occasion to give a glimpse of the real Kathryn?
Once I was asked, "Who are you when you're not the captain? I don't think you really know." Have people only seen me shrouded in the captain's veil? No, I know that's not true because I have apparently revealed my true self on occasion for various crew members have seen through the captain's veneer and that scares me.
So, the better question would be 'Why am I so apprehensive about letting others see the real Kathryn Janeway?' Or am I actually fooling myself and hiding from no one but me? How many times have I given my old friend Tuvok support and advice or given various crew members encouragement? When did I last show my fear, sympathy, or anger? I try so hard to present only the captain façade. Could I be using it to hide from myself? Is it possible that I fear losing face if I revealed my true self or have I concealed myself as the captain so long that Kathryn is lost?
I do know who the real Kathryn Janeway is and she's not lost nor is she a faceless person with a captain's mask. Instead, she is a warm, caring, and compassionate person, who feels with her heart. Captain Janeway thinks with her head and is a strong, independent woman. Kathryn Janeway needs others, thinks with her heart, and is very compassionate. She expresses herself even when she is the captain and will not hold back when she feels the need to peek around the captain's mask to reveal herself. Her determination to make right what is wrong will not allow her to hide behind a cloak. Kathryn cries when she sees someone is in pain, laughs with those who are happy, gets angry when she sees injustice, and does everything within her power to help others. She will not allow anyone to die a senseless death if she can prevent it, and she will rescue those who are in need. She comforts those who need compassion and feels the pain of those who are suffering.
Kathryn Janeway is all of these things, but most of all I love coffee and whether or not I want to admit it to myself I deeply love Chakotay. That is who Kathryn Janeway is and nothing can take that away.