You can listen to "I Will Fall For You" by Woodkid, it's a very nice song and it fits well with the story.
He left you a piece of him (Only For You To Keep)
Octavia is staring at the huge fire camp, burning high in the middle of Arcadia. This time, it is her special night. One year has passed by since Lincoln has been shot dead. So she's staring at the exact spot his head hit the ground, that day, her eyes often looking at the fire place where his body burned.
It's another beautiful night, like the one they had two weeks ago. Octavia is sitting on the Ark's roof, watching her surroundings. Not that they need a lot of people to take turns at night, really. With the peace, everything is always quiet, and a few men in top of the two towers near the gates are enough to make sure everyone is safe and sound.
She likes this spot a lot. Liked. It used to be her "escape place", the spot where she was going to when she needed some air and the place no one ever found her. Except for Lincoln. She didn't know how, but he used to know every time where she was hiding. So it had become their spot, and sometimes when the weather allowed it, they used to sleep on this same spot, buried in each other's arms under a warm blanket.
Octavia clenches her teeth and throws a rock from the rooftop to the ground. She's sitting here for almost an hour now, and she's angry. She's frustrated, and upset and sad because everything is making her think of him.
Octavia lifts her shirt to look at the dry black paint on her chest. Indra had put it here, this morning, and Octavia wants to cry every time she looks at the patterns.
Indra knows it's been a year, too, and even if she used to be mad at Lincoln for kind of betraying them, she has always been in awe of his loyalty to Octavia. Indra knows he gave his life to save Octavia's, Kane's and every grounders' who were locked up in Arcadia at the time. Indra knows Octavia is destroyed because of his death, so this morning, she had come to see the girl with black paint in her hands, like the one they wear for combat. She had asked Octavia to lift her shirt, and had begun to draw things on the girl's chest. At first, Octavia hadn't understood, but then she had recognised it. Lincoln's chest tattoo. Your home is here, Indra had repeated, putting her hand on the Trikru tattoo Octavia has, right on her heart. Octavia had had a hard time keeping her tears at bay. She is sure she has seen Indra's eyes water, too.
Octavia puts her shirt down, and wipes her nose angrily with her sleeve. She doesn't want to cry, but she can't hold back the tears escaping from her eyes. There's a symbol in her skin, right above her heart. This Trikru tattoo, she had made it done a month after the new peace, at the same spot Indra had pointed when Octavia had told the woman Lincoln was her home. It's been almost a year, and Octavia still cannot look at it without her heart breaking into even more tiny pieces than it already is.
Octavia is crying fat, silent tears now. She misses him, how bad she misses him. She misses his big arms and his embrace, which were always making her feel safe, even in the middle of the war. She misses the way he never looked at her like she was going to break, she misses the fact he always considered her like an equal, like someone who could fight for herself. She misses how strong she felt with him. She misses how she knew he would always protect and support her; not like her brother, but like her partner, supporting her every step of the way.
Octavia and Bellamy made peace, a few months ago. Bellamy helped a lot, after Lexa's death and A.L.I.E's destruction, and he eventually earned forgiveness. A part of Octavia knows she will always blame his brother for the death of her lover, like a part of Clarke will always blame Skaikru for the war they made against the army Lexa had sent to protect them and ruining what Lexa and she had been trying to build. Because maybe if Octavia's brother hadn't been with Pike, Lincoln would have been alive today, because maybe if the grounders' army hadn't been massacred and the village attacked, Titus wouldn't have tried to kill Clarke and Lexa wouldn't have died by a stray bullet.
Octavia is not mad at Clarke anymore, either. She was, at first, for every decision the Blonde had made. But with time, she understood it wasn't fair to ask Clarke to make the tough calls and then blame her for the choices she was making. And when she saw Clarke break down into tears in Polis' tower, when Roan gave her a necklace with Lexa's forehead piece on it, she finally got it. Clarke had lost a grounder she loved, too. Clarke had lost her lover, her soulmate. Lexa had been taken away from her in the most unfair way possible, just like Lincoln had been taken away from Octavia. And when she had been looking at Clarke, seeing her friend cry for the first time in months, Octavia had understood she wasn't the only one in pain. That Clarke was feeling this hole eating her alive, too. That Octavia didn't have to bear it and go through it alone.
Octavia is shaking on the roof, now. Tear are still streaming down her face, and she just wants someone to take her in her arms and tell her everything will be ok. Her brother tried, the first few times, to help her go through those episodes of deep sadness, but Octavia has always pushed him away. Curiously, the only one who can make the suffering go away is Clarke. Octavia often sleeps with her, close to her. Clarke is not Lincoln, but she knows her Blonde friend understands. Octavia knows Clarke needs the comfort too. Sleeping alone reminds them their lovers can't be by their sides.
Octavia doesn't sleep often, and when she does, it's for no longer than three or four hours, and only when Clarke is here. Like the Blonde, Octavia wanders at night, restless, until she collapses from exhaustion. But right now, the pain is too heavy and she can't stop crying. She knows Clarke will come find her soon, to hold her and let her cry her sadness and desperation away. Octavia is shivering, and she just wants to howl to death. Soon, it's way too much and Octavia can't breathe.
But then she hears footsteps from the other side of the roof, and a silhouette coming towards her. She knows Clarke is finally here. Beside Lincoln, she's the only other one who knows about this spot Octavia always comes to.
"Clarke" Octavia hiccups between sobs, "I can't... I can't breathe..."
Clarke embraces her friend and sits behind her so Octavia can lean on Clarke. "You can breathe, Octavia" Clarke whispers in her ear, gently rocking her back and forth, "breathe with me. You are not alone".
Octavia is clinging to Clarke, a death grip on her friend's arm, crying her eyes out against Clarke's chest as her body is shaking from these violent sobs. "I'm right here" Clarke whispers again, and then opens Octavia's jacket with one hand, removing it from her. She tears the top of Octavia's shirt so the Trikru tattoo is visible. Then she tears her own shirt, making her own tattoo visible too. Clarke's is the infinite symbol Lexa had on her neck, at the same spot as Octavia's, right above her heart. She made it done two weeks ago, after her own special night. Octavia is the one who told her it helped, to have them here. Octavia is hiccupping from too much crying, and Clarke fears the girl might suffocate in her tears.
"We will be ok" Clarke said to her friend, taking her hand and placing it on the girl's chest. "Our homes, are here" the Blonde whispers as Octavia put her other hand on Clarke's chest and tugging at the top of Clarke's shirt, grounding them together. They feel the same. They are not alone. They have each other.
"I am right here with you" Clarke murmurs, slowly stroking Octavia's hair with one hand, not letting go of her.
And then, Octavia calms down. She keeps her hand on her chest, drawing over the tattoo's patterns, while Clarke holds her in her arms. She tries to focus on matching Clarke's breathing. She's happy Clarke is here with her. She is glad she has someone who understands when she breaks down. Octavia doesn't know how she would have gone through this, without her. She knows Clarke wouldn't have survived without her, either. They don't speak about it, but they both know the other one is one of the few things keeping them from giving up.
Octavia is fully calm now. She breathes the cool air, still tugged against Clarke's body. Octavia knows Clarke is not holding her only to comfort her, but to comfort herself too. Octavia watches the sky, and when it's too much, she focuses on studying Clarke who is fidgeting with her necklace, lost in her thoughts.
Octavia and Clarke are close friends now, but there are still some barriers between them, Octavia feels them. She knows Clarke is still holding some things back. She sometimes wonders if it's because not a lot of people knows about Lexa and she being in love with each other. But Octavia doesn't push her friend; she knows Clarke will open herself, eventually. Octavia is broken, but she often wonders if Clarke is even more broken than herself. Clarke doesn't talk about what she's felling; and sometimes Octavia fears Clarke doesn't feel anything at all. She knows Clarke carries a lot more weight on her shoulders; so she promises herself to be there for the Blonde, whatever she may needs.
Octavia turns her eyes towards the sky once more. She doesn't regret coming to the ground, even if it has been hard staying alive. She got to meet her soulmate. She's happy it happened, even if it hurts like hell right now. She knows she's still young, and she knows she'll probably find love again, but she knows she will never forget him. He was the one, Octavia knows it. He left some things behind, after all.
"Do you think they are watching us?" Octavia wonders at loud.
"I don't know. I hope so" Clarke answers in a whisper.
Octavia nods, tightening her hold on Clarke's arm around her like she was using it as a blanket. Octavia sometimes feels like Lincoln is besides her, still supporting her. She knows it's silly, but it's giving her a little bit of peace. She knows he's telling her to keep fighting. Get smacked down, go back up again.
"I miss him" Octavia whispers.
"I know" Clarke murmurs, squeezing Octavia to show her she's not alone, "He would be so proud of you, O".
A few tears rolls down Octavia's cheeks, and Clarke's embrace tightens when Octavia sniffles. Octavia has done so much for the peace, in Lincoln's memory, and has been so active everyone knows her name. She's almost as known as Wanheda herself. But Octavia doesn't think she's done that much. The one they all have to thank, is Clarke. She made everything be possible. She destroyed A.L.I.E, put Roan in charge after and managed to keep the coalition intact, making it even stronger and proving to every grounder Skaikru was not the enemy. She tore down Preimfeiha, figuring out the nuclear things could be auto-destroyed to stop radiations level from rising. She discovered new nightbloods, and managed to change the conclave's rules. They don't need to die for one to ascend, now. The stronger of them all becomes Commander and takes the Flame. The other ones become advisers and war leaders, sharing the burdens with the Commander.
Every grounder knows the name of Wanheda. Children are taught about her in bedtime stories and in schools – one of Clarke's doing too-. She's still feared because everyone thinks she can defy death, but most of all they are impressed and in awe. They believe the commander shared her mind with her before dying. They believe she was Lexa's lover and the Commander's soulmate, even if they don't know anything about their secret love story. They believe Wanheda will live forever and protect them by adding her strength to the Commanders throughout the centuries until Lexa's mind find her way back to Clarke. They believe Wanheda is invisible and sent down on Earth from the sky by the Gods to watch over them. No Skaikru believes that of course, but it's keeping peace, so they say nothing to discredit these beliefs. To be honest, some of Skaikru are in awe of Clarke too, even if they know she has no superpowers. Some of them wonder how much this story is true, and some of them wonder if Clarke was not indeed Lexa's soulmate.
"Clarke" Octavia whispers to her friend to gain her attention.
Clarke tears her eyes from the sky and look down at Octavia. "Hm?"
"She would be proud of you too" Octavia said.
She sees Clarke's chin shivering.
"I hope so" Clarke whispers with her voice weak and full of emotions. Now the Blonde sniffles too, and Octavia snuggles even closer into her.
They both know they will eventually get better, and the pain in their chests will lessen, day after day. But tonight, like the night two weeks before, the memories are still very alive in their minds and they are not ready to move on.
But then, a baby cries, a few huts away from the roof they are hiding on. Octavia sits, unconsciously turning her head towards the noise. Clarke looks at her with soft eyes. They are not alone. And the baby's cries are grounding Octavia a bit more.
Without speaking, they climb down the roof and goes directly to Clarke's hut. Octavia has her own hut of course, but she doesn't go there alone. She knows Clarke doesn't stay alone in her hut either, so they kind of live together. Most of the time, Raven is here too. Monty, Jasper, Bellamy, Harper come by often too.
They gently push the door open, and they can hear the baby's cries more fully now. A little girl comes to Clarke, an apologizing look on her face.
"I'm sorry Wanheda, he wouldn't stop crying" she whispers, a bit afraid of the Blonde's reaction.
Clarke looks at her with warm eyes. "It's ok, Lexie. Babies cry all the time. You did nothing wrong"
The little girl nods, still unsure, so Clarke opens her arms and Lexie buries herself into Clarke's embrace. They watch as Octavia leans over the crib, taking a tiny baby into her arms. It's a six months old boy with tanned skin and dark hair. She rocks the baby, whispering sweet words into his ears.
The baby's name is Link, and is Octavia's and Lincoln's son. Octavia had found out she was pregnant not long after the established peace, when she had been vomiting for a couple of mornings. She cried, that day, both from sadness and joy.
Lexie has her arms around Clarke's neck, clutching to her and her head leaning on Clarke's shoulders. She was supposed to watch over Link while Clarke was looking for Octavia but has kind of panicked when the baby boy has begun to cry. She doesn't want to disappoint Clarke, so she's a bit scared the Blonde will scold her. But Clarke doesn't, and slides her hand up and down the girl's back instead, to calm her down.
Clarke notices the tear rolling down Octavia's cheek. She kisses Lexie's head, brings her upstairs to the bedroom and puts her under the covers, telling her she will be back very soon. Clarke goes back downstairs, and put a hand on Octavia's shoulder.
"He looks like him" Octavia says, her voice shivering with emotion.
Clarke offers her a smile, because it's true. "He left you a piece of him, only for you to keep" Clarke murmurs, and Octavia nods.
Octavia then looks towards the stairs, pointing it with her chin. "She looks like Lexa, too".
Clarke nods with a very light sigh. Alexie is five, and she is the last nightblood Clarke found in the Ice Nation. Her parents died when she was only a few months old and had been living with strangers since. When Roan had found out about her almost two weeks ago and took a look at the kid, he had called Clarke to visit. And when Clarke first laid eyes on the girl, she cried. She looked like a little Lexa, brown hair and green eyes full of life. Then, Roan told her she was named Alexie, and Clarke knew it was not a coincidence. Clarke brought her back here in Arcadia, until she is old enough to go train in Polis with the other nightbloods.
Octavia smiles at Clarke through their watery eyes. They are messed up, but they are not alone, and they have people they need to be strong for. Clarke hold her hand for Octavia to take, and with Link still in the Blake girl's arm, they go upstairs.
Alexie is waiting for Clarke, a bit afraid to be alone and a bit intimidated by the big painting on the ceiling. Every night before going to sleep, Clarke explains a bit of the painting to her, so the little girl can understand where everything comes from. She hears footsteps into the stairs, and Lexie knows it's Octavia and Clarke. She knows her new mother doesn't sleep well when Octavia is not here. Clarke told her once she was sleeping better when Lexie was here, too. Lexie can't sleep without Clarke either.
"Hi Lexie", Clarke whispers, sliding under the covers next to her while Octavia comes to rest on her other side. Clarke opens her arms, and Lexie immediately snuggles into the Blonde's embrace, hiding her nose into Clarke's hair. She doesn't know why and she can't explain it, but even if she is with Clarke for only a week and a half, she feels safe with her. Alexie knows she is a nightblood and that soon she will have to go train in Polis, but she secretly hopes Clarke will tell her she can stay here with her. Clarke is Wanheda; she changed the rules before. Maybe she will change the rules again. She closes her eyes, sleep quickly catching her.
Clarke is moving her hand up and down Lexie's tiny arm, while Octavia is doing the same on Link's back, sleeping on top of her. Their lovers are gone, but they still have a lot of things to help them remember them. Octavia is staring at the glowing blue butterflies on white flowers painted on the ceiling. She cried, the first time she saw them. She is thankful to Clarke for painting it.
Link is babbling a little, looking at them with wide eyes, and soon the two older girls are laughing quietly in the room. They are still hurting, so much, but their lives are not over yet. Their fights are not over. They can go through this, and they know they will. They tighten their embraces around their mutual children, soft smiles on their lips as four heartbeats are pumping hard in the room, as a promise for better times to come.
Raven comes by with a food trail, an hour later, and gently smiles when she sees the four of them sleeping soundly all snuggled together. She is happy their friends are able to find a bit of comfort despite everything. She knows it's been a tough two weeks for Octavia and Clarke. She puts the trail near the bed on a tiny table for them to find later, and exits the hut. Outside, Monty is waiting for her, and he wordlessly put his shoulder under hers to help her walk.
"How are they?" Monty asks.
"They will be ok" Raven answers, a light smile on her lips.
Monty nods and smiles too, because he knows they all will eventually be ok someday.