Don't Run – Don't Hide
Note: Starts just before the tag in "The First Time"
The elevator pinged to a stop. Francine took a deep breath, straightened and assumed a neutral expression. It had taken her about half an hour to make up her mind, this morning, whether or not to call in sick today and another fifteen minutes to get out of the car and enter the Georgetown foyer. She had almost turned on her heel and left again when Mrs. Marsden had looked at her while handing her her badge. But she hadn't because that would have been running away and she had decided, this morning, that she wouldn't run away and she wouldn't hide, either, no matter how much she wanted to.
Of course it would be all over the Agency by now that she had messed up big time. By now, mostly everyone would know she had been the leak they'd been looking for those past few weeks. If not for a fact, they'd at least have heard rumours. There was no way Billy could keep this under wraps for longer than maybe a day or two. There had been too many people involved in recovering Lee and that housewife, recovering her, making arrests. One of them would have talked, maybe dropped a hint. And of course there was Mrs. Welch who, if she was correct, was currently still at the Agency for questioning and would probably remain here until it had been decided what to do about her.
So people were bound to know. And even if they didn't, they still ought to know because they ought to know what kind of person they were working with.
She walked down the corridor and crossed the bullpen, well aware that the people she passed were throwing glances at her and she was pretty sure that as soon as she was out of earshot they would start talking. They were probably wondering what she was still doing here.
Ignore them. Just ignore them because if you don't, you won't last here for an hour.
She sat down at her desk and flipped open her calendar checking for today's tasks. Two new ones had been added since yesterday. Not by her – she recognized Billy's handwriting. One later that morning, debriefing the housewife, that King woman. She didn't know why Billy wanted her there but since it was in her calendar, she'd have to sit through it. Lee would be there, too, so she'd have to be extra careful not to act any different than usual. The other new task was scheduled for right now. It read "Come see me as soon as you're in". No signature. Billy knew she knew his handwriting.
She glanced over at his office. He was on the phone, talking to someone. Maybe she could put this off for a little longer if she just slipped out of the bullpen again and off to the archive or somewhere else for an hour or so, telling Billy that he had been busy when she had arrived and she hadn't wanted to disturb him. But no – he had seen her and waved at her to come. With a sigh, she closed the calendar again, got up and walked over to Billy's office. The others were glancing at her again or at least, seemed to be. Maybe she was just imagining it.
She knocked on the door and entered without waiting for a reply. Billy was expecting her and she didn't want to appear as if she were drawing this out unnecessarily.
Billy was still on the phone. He gestured for her to sit so she took the chair in front of his desk and waited.
"No, Dirk, I'm going to handle this my way."
Pause.
"Yes, Smyth knows and he seems to be okay with it. At least he didn't put in his veto."
Francine kept her face impassive – at least she hoped so – but internally, she winced. Of course she couldn't be sure but this sounded as if it were about her. Internal Affairs would want to make sure such a thing didn't happen again. Well, she might be able to help them there. She had been thinking a lot since yesterday. Most of the night, actually.
"Right. Bye."
Billy threw down the receiver. He turned to her and folded his hands on the desk. He didn't say anything – he just looked at her and that made her more nervous than if he had been scolding her or yelling at her and telling her to pack her stuff and get out. She could handle that. She could just get up, for example, and get out or yell back or something like that. But how did you counter a look? Worse – how did you counter a look that might take a turn towards disappointment any moment? So she just sat there, folded her hands in her lap and looked back.
"Are you alright?" Billy finally asked.
Not what she had expected. She took a moment to answer, looking at Billy and trying to figure out what it was that he wanted to hear. She couldn't. He leaned back in his chair and folded his arms across his chest regarding her with a poker face that made it impossible to read him.
She shrugged.
"I'm fine", she said and even managed to smile though she wasn't sure he bought it. "McJohn said there shouldn't be any adverse effects from the stuff they gave me to make me talk. Whatever it was."
She hadn't paid attention. At that point, she just had wanted to run and hide in some hole in the ground where no one would find her but of course she hadn't. She had stayed right there, at the Agency, until someone – had it been Billy or Lee? – had told her to go home for the day.
Billy's expression didn't change.
"I'm glad to hear it – but that's not what I meant", he said. "I want to know how you're doing. And don't give me that 'fine' again because I'm not buying it."
So much for her own poker face.
She sighed.
"What do you think how I'm doing?" she asked. "Five of our agents were killed and it's my fault."
She tried to keep her voice level but couldn't stop a slightly upset note from creeping into it. Billy would hear it, too, of course, but she couldn't help it. She expected him to comment on it but he didn't. He just kept looking at her in a way that made her continue even though she didn't really want to. She had seen him use that look during interrogations.
"Maybe I'm not cut out for this job", she heard herself say. "Or I'm in the wrong position. I know too much. If I didn't, it wouldn't matter that, obviously, it's really easy to make me talk."
That was bothering her the most – that she couldn't promise something like this would never happen again. She didn't know how she would react if she was drugged again. And besides, how did you fight the effects of drugs when you weren't even aware you were being drugged? It was one thing to be captured by, say, the Russians and awaiting interrogation. That was something they were trained for – more or less. It was another thing when you were trying to learn how to cook.
"Obviously, I'm not paranoid enough for this job", she said, more to herself.
Billy nodded.
"I see. So what are you going to do about it?" he asked. "Hand in your resignation?"
Francine took a deep breath.
"The thought crossed my mind, yes."
She had been thinking about it. She had been thinking about a lot of things, that past night. For example, about how her mother might have been right to tell her to find someone and get married. Only that she had already tried that – last year - and it hadn't exactly worked out. Or that maybe she should have listened to her father and gone into the diplomatic service instead of signing up with the Agency.
"And I don't think I'm the only one here at the Agency who thinks I better quit and try to find another job where I can't cause as much damage as I caused here", she went on when Billy didn't say anything.
She nodded at the phone.
"It sounded like Internal Affairs agrees with me."
Billy glanced at the phone, too. He shrugged.
"Well, Dirk is frothing at the mouth about this but that was to be expected, no matter who would have turned out to be the leak. Dr. Smyth doesn't seem to agree with him, though. At least he didn't tell me to kick you out."
Francine snorted.
"No, of course he didn't. He wants me to hand in my resignation of my own accord so he can walk around with that 'told her so' kind of look on his face and feel like he was right about me from the start."
Smyth didn't like her. Which, so far, hadn't particularly bothered her because she didn't like him either.
"The important question isn't what everyone else wants", Billy said. "What do you want? Do you want to quit? Or transfer to a different section?"
She had considered that, too, last night. A transfer to a different section, maybe coupled with a reassessment of her clearances, would be one way to ensure she didn't get any kind of information that could wreak havoc on the Agency if the wrong people got a hold of it. Quitting altogether – it sounded tempting. Quit and look for a new job, maybe halfway across the country where people didn't know her.
Neither was an option, though. She wasn't going to run away. It was out of the question. She had worked hard to get as far as she had. She didn't want to throw all of this away just because she had messed up. Messed up big time, agreed, but it couldn't be changed and her resignation wouldn't bring the five dead agents back.
"No", she said. "No, I don't but –"
She shook her head.
"I just don't know how – What can I do to ensure that kind of thing doesn't happen again?"
Billy shrugged.
"I don't know."
"Great."
Francine gave a short, hard laugh.
"Well, in this case you better not leave me out of sight ever again."
Billy looked at the young woman before him. Ever since he had known her – ever since she had sent her application and had gone through Station One and basic training – she had managed to stand out, one way or another, and to avoid any serious mistakes. Or failures. Sure, it hadn't been easy for her to get here, being a young and pretty woman in this male-dominated line of work. But until now she had been doing fine. More than fine, actually. Now, that spotless record wasn't so spotless anymore. People were dead and she was right about that: They had died because she had talked. That was why they were having this talk now – so he could see how she was dealing with it. Whether she could handle this. Because this kind of thing was going to happen again, even if no one made any mistakes. This wasn't Crypto or Fabrications or the steno pool. In the Field Section, people had to take risks, sometimes too great risks, they had to put themselves in danger and more often than he liked they didn't come back. And he had to deal with knowing that he had been the one to send them out there.
He had learned how to deal with this years ago and still, sometimes, the job got to him and he caught himself thinking that it might be better to hand in his resignation and get another one where people didn't die. Real estate. Sometimes he was considering going into real estate. He never did, though. If he left, who would keep an eye on all these young people here? Well, most of them were young since as you grew older, you also tended to move on to a less dangerous part of the job. He felt responsible for his people. He couldn't just walk out on them. And besides, for every bad day there also was a good day. A job well-done. A disaster prevented, lives saved.
He focused on Francine again. Of course this wasn't the first time one of their agents died that she had witnessed. It was the first time, however, for her to be directly involved. Much depended on how she was going to handle this first time. That was why he was trying to find out how she was holding up. It was impossible to tell by just looking at her.
Sure, Francine Desmond wasn't one to hold back moaning and complaining about having to work with certain people or taking on certain jobs but that was more for show than anything else. In the end, she always got the job done. It was when she didn't complain, when she grew quiet, that you had to watch her. When something really bothered her it was pretty hard to get her to talk about it or even admit to it.
Usually, she was very good at hiding what she considered her personal feelings but taking into account her upbringing he couldn't say he was surprised. She probably had learned to do so from quite an early age, hide behind an impassive expression or a radiant, if not completely honest smile. To figure out how she was really feeling you had to look for little tell-tale signs like, for example, that slight, barely audible tremor in her voice that told him she was upset but didn't want to admit it. Well, he wouldn't force her to do so. But he needed to find out if she thought she could continue here in the Field Section. He was glad she had said she didn't want to quit. He also hoped she wanted to say for the right reason: Because she really wanted to stay, not because she didn't want to disappoint anyone of because she felt it was expected of her.
"Well, in this case you better not leave me out of sight ever again", she said.
Billy smiled and shook his head.
"I could do that but I don't think it would help a lot."
He grew serious again and went on before she could protest.
"Things like this happen in our line of work. If you stay with us you'll very likely see more of our people get killed. Agents you knew. Maybe even agents you liked or were friends with. Agents you sent out there on what looked like a simple job and who don't come back because it suddenly gets more dangerous than could be anticipated. Even when you, personally, didn't make a mistake. That's how it is. Sometimes, someone messes up and someone else has to pay the price. And sometimes, it's just the worst kind of luck."
Billy waited for a few moments to let that sink in. To her credit, Francine didn't speak at once but actually seemed to consider his words.
"That's all very well," she finally said, "but that doesn't change the fact that, in this specific case, it's me who messed up and thus, it's my fault that five of our agents were killed."
Billy nodded.
"That's right. And you'll have to figure out by yourself how to deal with it and how you want to proceed. I can offer you advice, of course, but in the end, I won't be able to help you with this."
Francine gave him a small, honest smile.
"You're helping more than you might realize."
Billy returned the smile.
"Good. Because you're doing a good job here and I'd hate to lose you to another section – or job. Of course, if you'd prefer to transfer, I'm sure they'd be delighted to have you in Linguistics or Crypto. With your language skills –"
He let the phrase hang between them unfinished. The second step: Offer her a way out and see if she went for it.
Francine shook her head.
"No", she said. "I'd prefer to stay here – unless you think I shouldn't."
Billy's smile widened.
"I'm glad we agree on that because I think, too, that you should stay in Field Section."
She hadn't been working as his assistant for all that long, yet, but she was a great replacement for Agnes, his previous assistant who had gone into retirement and was now residing in Birchwood.
"So we'll try to keep this under wraps as best as we can and –"
"No", Francine cut him off.
Billy raised his eyebrows.
"No?"
"We'll do no such thing."
She sounded very determined.
"You want me to go out there and tell everyone and the world you were our leak?" Billy asked.
He was surprised. He knew Francine hated to be found out having made a mistake and this was more than just a little slip-up about ordering fresh coffee beans.
"Yes, well …"
She shrugged.
"I won't go and shout it from the rooftops but if it gets out it gets out. If you try to keep it under wraps – and succeed – then sooner or later, this will come back to bite me. Someone might find out about it and try to use it to blackmail me or something like that. You know how those things go."
If, on the other hand, people already knew –
Billy nodded.
"Yes, I see where you're coming from. You do realize, though, that plenty of people will give you a hard time about this, don't you?"
"Of course."
Of course she knew it wouldn't be easy. People would talk about her behind her back. They would give her a certain kind of look, telling her that they knew it was her fault agents had been killed. They wouldn't forget that anytime soon. Or maybe sooner than she thought if a new and even bigger mess-up happened. She actually worried more about Smyth because he most definitely wouldn't forget about this. He probably had a special set of files where he made note of every slip-up and every mistake and every mess-up of people he didn't like. And he'd be watching her, waiting for her to make another mistake so he could claim she couldn't to this job and kick her out.
"There they are", Billy suddenly said.
Francine turned to look out into the bullpen. Lee was approaching Billy's office, the housewife in tow, bringing her in for the debriefing.
"Right, I'll be off, then", she said and started to get up.
Yes, Billy had put it down in her calendar but she didn't want to meet that woman. Not only had she managed to rescue Lee and help put a stop to Mrs. Welch's assassins' circle, she also had been the one to find her. Francine didn't like that. Not at all. Bad enough that she had let Mrs. Welch drug her and told her everything she wanted to know. But being rescued – well, more or less – by a housewife … That was adding insult to injury.
"Sit", Billy told her.
"Oh, come on, Billy!"
Francine glanced at the window. Lee and the woman were approaching fast.
"Do I really have to?"
She'd rather not meet Amanda King right now. Because Amanda King was just the kind of person to be all nice and ask her how she was doing and then, she'd have to say something in reply and she just didn't want to talk to that woman. Or have her look at her.
Billy smiled.
"Well, see it as a first step towards making amends for your mess-up", he said.
Of course, when he put it like that, she couldn't protest anymore.
She sat down again. She even kept her mouth shut while the King woman rambled on about how she had figured out Mrs. Welch was behind all of it and how she had managed to rescue Lee. Francine was well aware that Billy was keeping an eye on her even though he wasn't looking at her so she kept quiet the whole time. If she didn't say anything at all she couldn't say anything mean, right? And besides, the less anyone said, the sooner Amanda King would be gone, hopefully never to be seen again at the Agency.
Well, obviously, Billy had different ideas.
"I think we've finally found you a partner", he told Lee when the King woman was out the door.
Francine looked at him to make sure he wasn't just joking. He was smiling but he appeared serious enough.
Oh, great.
She knew that look. Billy liked this idea. He probably thought it was hilarious to team up the great Scarecrow with a common housewife from Arlington who knew zilch about the counter-intelligence business.
Francine wouldn't have cared – the thought actually was kind of hilarious – if it hadn't meant she, too, would be seeing more of Amanda King. She didn't want to. She didn't want to have to deal with that woman and her rambling and her – well, her utter and complete averageness.
She looked up at Lee and gave him the sweetest smile she could muster under the circumstances.
"Oh, you two are darling together", she told him, "I understand she knits or something."
She wasn't really in it but he might have found it odd for her not to throw a comment like this at him because usually, she did.
Lee glared at her.
"I'd button it, Loose Lips", he threw back at her.
It stung – but not as much as would the glances from the others and the whispers behind her back that she knew where going to come. At least, with Lee and also with Billy, she could be sure that if they had a problem with her they'd tell her so openly.
Lee closed the door behind him a little more forcefully than was necessary.
Billy laughed and shook his head.
"I can't wait to see how that'll work out", he said.
Francine didn't think there was any way in heaven or hell teaming up Lee with that housewife could ever work out but she didn't say so. She'd done enough talking for a while.
"If there isn't anything else, I'd like to get back to work now", she said and got up from her chair.
Billy shook his head.
"Not from my side."
Francine nodded.
"Good."
She turned to the door and took a deep breath. Then she opened it and stepped outside, into the bullpen, telling herself she was ready to face whatever might be coming her way.