Disclaimer: All characters, locations, and story elements associated with the Harry Potter series belong to J.K. Rowling; all characters, locations, and story elements associated with The Lord of the Rings belong to J.R.R. Tolkien (or to his estate, anyway).
Nasus walked through the doors of the cafe, making everyone look up at her. Though no one could see them, her stretch marks felt painfully obvious from being preggo. Her short dark hair, in great need of a dye job was way too frizzy after walking through the rain the night before. She hadn't had time to shower as said child, not wanting to go in to the cafe right now because of the puddles and his need to stomp into them, had tried eating the cat and made her forget.
And Hajile Wood ran over. "Oh dear! Are you having trouble?" he asked her. Nasus looked to him with her incredibly normal brown eyes.
"OH! You're Hajile Wood!"
"No. I'm in love ."
Eiram nearly jumped out of her chair when the doorbell rang; she hadn't bothered to bathe in the last several days (it might have been a week; she had lost count). She was taking a breakup badly and it's not like there was anyone to bathe for--unless, oh dear god, he had gotten on a plane and flown over the ocean to Germany to apologize and beg her to please oh please come back and maybe marry him and get a pet rabbit. And there she was, in the same pajamas she had been wearing since her last shower, her long black hair in tangles and only saved from its usual frizz by the accumulation of oil, her face marred by both lines and acne she had been scratching.
The doorbell rang again. At least she had done the dishes, but the bed hadn't been made since...she hadn't even washed the sheets in a month, and--arrrgh! The toilet! She would have to pretend to have to go as soon as she let him in.
She turned out all the lights, to make it look like she had just been sleeping, rather than wallowing in squalor, and took a deep breath. She opened the door.
It was not him. It was Jeordie Wonderland. Only he was still Twiggy Ramone, but without all the drugs or, for that matter, Marianne Manson lurking nearby.
"Eiram," he said.
"Gluh?" she said, blinking very hard.
"I saw you in the crowd at the first Seven Inch Staples show in London. I saw you again when we played in Berlin and had a roadie follow you home. He checked your mailbox, found your name, discovered through his 1337 !-!4xXx0r ski11z, by way of your IP, your userid on LiveJournal--and that one of your interests is...me. I don't know how I knew, but I knew. Forget this fool who let you go. We are soulmates, you and I. We are OTP. I need you with me always."
The next day
Nasus WOULD have been able to take a shower if her husband hadn't used up the five gallons worth of hot water washing a few cups. Damn it all! Her romantic date with Hajile was in less than ten minutes!
Dousing herself in heaps of baby powder and half a bottle of Febreez, she promptly stepped in a huge pile of cat droppings placed in front of the toilet. Using ice cold water and an old toothbrush, she scrubbed until her foot turned red. Five minutes now, good LORD! She finsihed up, sighing as she looked into the mirror. Wait- what was that blond head of hair just behind her-OH DEAR GOD NO!
After getting the cat poo out from under her son's fingernails, the doorbell rang. Her Red Sox t-shirt #45 (Pedro wasn't even on the damned TEAM anymore, WHY did she WEAR this SHIRT!) had mustard stains from her son's expertise at eating hot dogs, so she frantically scraped it with her fingernails. "Honey, please get the door!" she called, running back into the bathroom in a panic. Her husband Ybbuh got the door.
She heard the conversation; "Hello! Is my date ready?"
"She'll be along. Would you like something to drink? I washed a few cups today."
"Fantastic! What do you have?"
"Um... really old Kool Aid, about a quarter cup of milk, coffee that's been sitting in the pot for about 24 hours, and some Strega."
"I was HOPING you had only a tiny bit of milk! I'm lactose intolerant, and I get this HUGE urge to drink lots of milk. I love it! I'll have milk, please,"
Nasus heard the drip-drips of Hajile's chosen beverage drop into the washed cup. Without realizing it, she threw on a dress from the five-foot-tall pile of clothes she'd been digging through, not realizing a cat had come along and peed upon it as she'd thrown it on the floor to be considered.
Eiram blinked again and slammed the door in Twiggy's face. She hurled herself into the bathroom, nearly tore the lid off the toilet seat and flung the scrub brush into the hall in her haste to pull it from its stand. She crawled on all fours to retrieve it and scrambled to her feet to return to the bathroom. Dumping the entire bottle of Mr. Proper into the toilet, she scrubbed madly.
The doorbell rang.
"Eiram!" Twiggy called through the door. "I love you! Please let me in!"
"Just...just..." she called back, trying to replace the scrub brush, missing several times, and dribbling soapy water all over the floor. "One minute, please!"
She swiped up the puddle with her slippers, then threw them into the shower. She caught sight of her reflection. Fortunately the mirror was high and showed only her face, which was quite bad enough. She scrubbed it with a dry washcloth and threw this into the shower after her slippers.
There was no time to change--there was no time to shave--there was no time to do anything... She clawed at the medicine cabinet, scrabbled for mouthwash, swigged from the bottle, blue trails running down her chin. The cap refused to fit back onto the bottle, so she threw both of them into the shower, too.
"What else?" she said, frantic. "There has to be something!"
Deodorant! Knowing there would be no point, she threw its cap directly into the shower, swiped under her arms with all her might, and dropped the stick into the trash. She yanked the shower curtain into place as she made her way to the door. She took another deep breath, smoothed her pajama top, opened the door again.
"Eiram," said Twiggy, and took her hand. Her fingers were tinted orange from nicotine and she had earwax under her nails.
Nasus drove along, staring straight ahead to avoid seeing the unwrapped Ho-Ho Hajile had unknowingly sat upon sticking out from under his perfect delicious ass.
"So," he said, looking to Nasus with a look of love. "I'm glad we're able to spend this time together. Ever since running into you in the cafe near your hometown, where I just happened to be at that moment, I feel like..." he drifted off. A single tear went down his cheek; Nasus didn't really notice, as she was still trying to keep her eyes away from the oozing cream filling that was now reaching Hajile's sneaker.
"I know, Hajile. I can't help but think that... that the fates brought us OOHWOOHOO-HACK-COUGH-SPLUTTER..." Nasus was completely interrupted by wrongly-inhaled smoke. Hajile grabbed the wheel and swung the car over to the right, nearly killing an entire family of Ukrainians waiting for the bus in front of the Stop&Shop.
"Nasus!" he cried out. "Nasus, are you all right?"
"Yea..." she irked out, rubbing her watery eyes. "Just... smoke."
"Oh..." Hajile murmured, easing. "I thought... oh my good LORD, I thought I'd LOST you!" he wailed, grabbing onto Nasus tight. The older man of the family outside was walking over. As he began shouting and pounding on the window, Hajile grabbed Nasus' chin and began kissing her wildly. The combined scent of cat pee and the squished Ho-Ho must have turned them both on...
Eiram tried to smile without showing any teeth; the mouthwash would have done little to remedy her dire need of flossing, and, moreover, her gums had receded horribly in the past year, leaving black lines in their wake.
"Please," said Twiggy, glancing over his shoulder, "may I come in?"
Eiram winced, thinking of the several bags of trash she had not taken to the dumpster, and nodded weakly, but she stood aside and let him enter. With another glance over his shoulder, Twiggy stepped in.
"We don't have much time," he said. "Lock the door."
She closed it and turned the key, all the while wondering how to keep her pajamas on. She hadn't plucked any of her rogue hairs lately, and she could not face the idea of being caught with them.
Twiggy, meanwhile, was scanning the cupboards in the hall. "Is this your closet?" he asked, grasping the knob.
"Er, yes," she said, thinking that her dresses probably would not fit him; she had not brought any babydolls to Germany.
He opened the closet and was promptly buried in an avalanche of dirty clothes. She had not done laundry in a while. He tossed aside a few garments and began searching through the pile.
"Where is your coat?" he asked. "You need a coat. It's cold out."
"It's on the other side of the closet," she said in a small voice, horrified that he meant to take her somewhere in her current state. On the other hand, at least she would not have to worry about exposing anything embarrassing just yet. She slipped into the bathroom to pocket her tweezers while Twiggy negotiated a path through her jeans and sweatshirts to fetch her coat.
Hajile was crying mercilessly as the police officer brought Nasus back; in her haste and panic back home while getting ready for Hajile, she had forgotten that she hadn't had a valid driver's license for the last four years. When the Ukrainian man called the police there, Hajile had tried his best, grabbing the handcuffs from the officer's belt and latching himself to Nasus. "You won't take her, not without me!" The officer sighed with exasperation and simply took out his key and unlocked them with ease.
Now that he had posted bail and nearly had the woman behind the clerk's counter ready to call the Fowler Wing of Noble Hospital, Nasus was back in Hajile's arms. "I was so scared!" he cried desperately into her hair. "I'd told them, over and over again... 'name your price! I don't care if her bail is thousands upon thousands!'" he lamented.
"How much was it?" Nasus asked. He sniffled.
"Twenty five."
They now left the police station, collecting her papers for her court appearance that next Monday. Hajile eyed them suspiciously before taking her hand. "Darling," he said. "I fear for you. If they take you to jail I'll... I don't KNOW what I'll do! I know- I have a private jet! We can escape together!"
"But... my husband, my son-"
"We'll take them too!"
Nasus began to weep, but her tears were happy ones. She tore the papers in her hands apart and scattered them around like confetti.
Twiggy cast his gaze around the hall and lit upon her running shoes, which were crusted in mud from hiking a month earlier. He grabbed them and thrust them into her hands. Wordlessly she knelt to put them on. He dropped to his knees and tied the laces almost before she could get her feet into the shoes.
"What is it?" she asked, sensing his anxiety. "Where are we going?"
"I'll explain on the way," he said.
He stood and took her hand once more. "Whatever happens," he said, peering through her filthy glasses, "I want you to know that I love you."
"Whatev--" Eiram said, beginning to worry that she was going to be left in a parking lot, in her pajamas, watching as his tour bus drove off into the sunset.
And then he kissed her.
Dazed, she let him drag her out of the apartment, and into the corridor.
A tall, deathly-thin figure appeared before them, a man with sickly white skin and eyes glowing red. "Twiggy!" he said. "You hope to escape me?"
"'Nasus Emal was supposed to show up in court for her arraignment today, this after the famous, incredibly gorgeous and boyish blue eyed embodiment of pure sex Hajile Wood bailed her out of jail." the newsreporter said into the camera of 22News, Springfield Mass. "But it is rumored that they fled the country together to avoid her having to spend the next two months on a very lienient probation..."
"Ahhh! Lienient INDEED!" Hajile triumphantly yelled to the TV as he poured Nasus, Ybbuh and himself a glass of champagne. Nasus and Ybbuh's son toddled over to Hajile and wrapped his chubby arms around Hajile's waist.
"Unkie Lijah! Wuv oo!"
Nasus felt a lone tear slide down her face. "He hasn't spoken... until now! it's a miracle!" she cried out as Hajile laughed, picking up the cherub faced angel boy up and twirling him around.
"We shall be landing in England in around a half hour," the captain announced over the intercom. "Please buckle your safety belts."
"Of course not, Lord Voldemort," said Twiggy. "But, as you know, Harry has never trusted me, and it has become impossible for me to continue as I have been. I have, therefore, recruited an accomplice to take my place, both at Hogwarts and in the Order."
"And this is your replacement?" said Voldemort, gesturing at Eiram, who had no idea what the fuck was going on.
"She is, my Lord," Twiggy said. "Her name is Eiram Dumbledore."
"Dumbledore?" Voldemort threw back his head and laughed. "And you trust her?"
"She has no knowledge of her background, Lord, no knowledge that the Wizarding World even exists. And she belongs completely to me. She will do as I require."
"The fools will embrace her for her name alone," said Voldemort. "You have done well, my Twiglet."
"I serve you in all things, Lord," said Twiggy. "I am taking her even now to Spinner's End to prepare her."
"Go, then." Voldemort nodded. "And do not forget that I need you to write the music for that new song by the end of the week."
The four fugitives of justice entered King's Cross, where Nasus ran around like a moron looking for the entrance to platform 9 3/4. Hajile and Ybbuh laughed. "My silly wife!" Ybbuh said.
"My silly lover!" Hajile exclaimed.
"Silly Momma!" Mr. Melon chuckled out. Nasus heard none of this as she finally came across the platform's wall.
"I wonder if I'll go to Hogwarts! Oh how silly would it be if whoa!"
"NASUS!" Ybbuh and Hajile yelled out as she disappeared into the cement column. OMG LYK NO WAY!11!1 Nasus lyk TOTALLY went through 9 and 3/4! Ybbuh grabbed Mr. Melon and he and Hajile ran straight through the column, finding Nasus on the other side.
"Where are we?" Hajile said in awe, looking around. Nasus flipped her stringy hair from her face, itching the inside of her nose and looking like she was picking it.
"We're... we're at the Hogwarts Express!" she cried out. All their jaws dropped.
"Will they notice us?" Hajile asked. Before anyone could answer this, Hagrid showed up. He was there! He was so HUGE!
"Right then, onto the train wit' ye!" he told them, shoving them aboard. Wow! They were going to Hogwarts!
Voldemort disappeared with a rush of air shrieking, as it filled the space where he had been, like the feedback of a downtuned guitar.
Eiram blinked very hard several times and turned to Twiggy.
She stared at him for a moment.
She stared at him for a moment longer.
She stared at him for another moment.
She opened her mouth, then closed it again.
Twiggy waited patiently.
She tilted her head to the side, hoping it would help her think. It did not.
"Gluh?" she asked, giving up.
"We have to go," said Twiggy. "Take my arm and hold tight."
Eiram was, at this point in her life, quite glad for any sort of direction. She took his arm. She held tight. Twiggy reached into a pocket with his free hand and drew--
Was that a wand?
Before she could think too much about it, however, she felt a wrench in her stomach and the corridor fell out of view.
"WOW! LOOK!" Ybbuh yelled.
Hajile and Nasus looked out the window of their train compartment, seeing the large castle of Hogwarts coming into view. "I can't believe this is real!" Nasus exclaimed, hoping that that awful soup-like smell wasn't her.
"It's real, all right, or my name isn't Hajile Jordan Wood!"
"HAJILE JORDAN WOOD?"
All of them looked into the doorway of the compartment, finding Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger! WOW! "WOW!" they all exclaimed.
"You're Frodo!" Ron gasped out. Hermione flipped her newly black hair, nearly getting caught in the chain that led to the nose ring she had. As she made eyes at Hajile, Nasus growled.
"How are ya?" she asked him, twirling a long lock of hair between her fingers. That rotten gothpunkedoutOOC!Hermione! How dare she try to shmooze up on Nasus' lover!
"Wow! I've seen all your movies!" Harry said excitedly, sitting next to Hajile. "Wow, it smells like soup in here!"
When the world stopped and her viscera settled into place, Eiram opened her eyes. They were in a dusty room with boarded windows. She was afraid to move.
"Lumo" said Twiggy, and the tip of his...his wand glowed brightly enough to illuminate the room. It was some sort of shop, and it had been abandoned in a hurry.
"Ollivander's," Twiggy said. "His is were the best wands. He must have left some behind. Hopefully one of them will suit you."
She started to ask who Ollivander was and where he had gone and why he had left in such a rush. "Wait, what?" she asked instead. "Suit me?"
"Yes." Twiggy was already collecting the narrow boxes scattered on the shelves behind the counter. "A wand is most effective if it chooses the Witch, and you need an effective wand."
"Witch?" said Eiram, noting the tinge of hysteria in her voice.
Twiggy set an armload of boxes on the counter and looked at her. "You are a Witch, Eiram," he said. "You happen to be the daughter of the most powerful Wizard of our time."
"My father is dead," said Eiram, not knowing what else to say.
"He is now," said Twiggy, looking away. "But that is recent."
"No, he died before I was born," said Eiram. "My mother never got over it."
"Your mother was Obliviated and her memory of your father replaced. It was important that no one know who you were. For the same reason, you were raised a Muggle. But you are a Witch, and, right now, we need to find you a wand." He picked up a box and tossed it to her. "Try that one."
They all walked into the corridors of Hogwarts together, everyone making hushed whispers of the new faces. Hajile had been recognized about forty times already; twenty two of those times being just Hermione. "Do you like my tat? It's the Chinese symbol for "Slut"," "Hajile, can you itch my lower back?" "Show me that AWESOME tat of the "9" in Elvish on your hip..."
Hajile had refused each request, his arm slung over Nasus and smiling at her. He only had eyes for her.
"Welcome everyone." Dumblldoor greeted them as they all sat in the really big eating room. "It seems we have new students this year! Welcome!"
"We're transfer students, from America," Nasus proclaimed, walking up to the head table proudly. Everyone watched her soupy form going to the Sorting Hat.
"GRYFINDOOR!" it yelled instantly. YAY!
"GRYFINDER!" it yelled for Hajile. YAY!
"GRIFONDORE!" it yelled for Ybbuh. YAY!
"SLITHERINE!" it yelled for Mr. Melon. YA-
"WHAT?" all three of the new students yelled out. Mr. Melon walked over to his table cheerfully.
Twiggy hustled Eiram through a secret postern in the castle and hurried her through a series of dark passages. They had Apparated from Ollivander's into the edge of the Forbidden Forest, just outside the school's grounds. Twiggy had first Scourgified her and then Transfigured her pajamas into dark robes. She still did not look Goth. She did not even look like she was wearing all black, though she was. She clutched her new wand; although it made no more sense to her than anything else, it was warm and somewhat reassuring. They reached a pair of stone gargoyles and stopped.
"Marzipankartoffel," said Twiggy.
The gargoyles swung aside and revealed a spiral staircase. Twiggy gestured for her to enter, and followed close behind. They emerged in a bright chamber filled with...stuff and hung with portraits of men and women who all...sat up straight and looked intently at Eiram as she entered.
"Twiggy?" she said, quietly. "Those pictures are actually staring at me, right?"
"Yes," he replied. "It's okay. They've been looking forward to meeting you."
She decided not to ask.
"Especially him." There was a man seated at a desk in the center of the room. He was pointing at one of the portraits, a cheerful old fellow with a long white beard and twinkling eyes, who very definitely looked like a Wizard.
"My dear girl," said the portrait. "It is such a pleasure to see you at last!"
"That's your father," whispered Twiggy. "Albus Dumbledore."
"Oh," said Eiram. "Excuse me, my paradigm just shifted."
"Not to worry, my girl," said the portrait. "In time you will understand everything. But, speaking of time, I believe my successor was growing a bit concerned with your whereabouts."
"Indeed," said the man behind the desk. "We expected you an hour ago."
"We ran into Voldemort," said Twiggy. "He grows as suspicious of me as Harry and he followed me. Also...Eiram was rather unprepared for dinner when I found her."
"No matter," said the man, rising. He was very short. "You've only missed the Sorting. I'll escort her into the Great Hall and Moody can introduce our new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor after dinner."
"Do you think the students suspect anything?" asked Twiggy.
"I would have worried about Miss Granger," said the man, "but she changed over the summer. Unfortunately, thanks to the nature of the change, she knows all too well who I am, though she has no idea that I've taken over as Headmaster and that 'Dumblldoor' is actually Moody."
"You had better be careful, Trent," said Twiggy. "She may very well stalk you wherever you go and pick up on something."
"Be careful yourself, Twiggy. She would recognize you if she caught so much as a glimpse."
"I won't let that happen."
"Gentlemen," said Dumbledore's portrait. "Miss Dumbledore might perhaps enjoy some dinner while it remains on the tables."
"Apologies," Trent said to Eiram. "Please come with me."
Dumblrdord left the cafeteria, looking hassled. An owl had flown to him with a small rolled up paper, distracting Ybbuh, Hajile and Nasus from their meals.
"WOW! That was so cool!" Hajile said, watching as Dumbelder read the letter. He walked out after that.
After dinner, Professor MacDonalouge led the three of them to their dormitory. It was near Gryffindor, but since they were all much older than the other students, they arranged a special room for them. A portrait of a chicken squawked at them from where they stood facing the portrait hole. "The password is 'Fizzgig'," she told them sternly. "Don't forget that,"
"Professor McDurmstrang!" Nasus suddenly cried out. "My son... he's only two years old, and he's been put in Slytherin! Why has that happened?"
Professor McHamburglar sighed deeply. "We do not choose our houses, Miss Nasus," she went to explain. "The Sorting Hat puts us where it knows we belong."
"But Slitherin! It's an evil house! There isn't anything REMOTELY good about it! I mean, Malfoy is there! What if he corrupts our son?" Ybbuh said in desperation. Professor MacDougal pursed her lips.
"When we'd heard you were to be sepearated house-wise from your young son, we dug a tunnel connecting your private quarters to Slythrin," she told them; all three of them let out a sigh of relief. "But you are ONLY to use the passageway during the days which have a 'T' and a 'F' in them. Professor Dumblydarn said it is to be so."
"All right,"
She then left them to go into their dorm. Nasus had instantly forgotten the password, as did Hajile.
"MELLON!" he yelled at it. Ybbuh shook his head.
"Fizzgig," he muttered, letting the door fall wide open.
"Fistfuck!" said Trent, as the students poured out of the Great Hall and sought their dormitories. "We missed dinner."
They returned to his office. Twiggy was already gone, but two covered dishes were waiting on Trent's desk. The portraits were sleeping.
"Well," said Trent, "at any rate, we may eat at our leisure, and we do have the opportunity to discuss the many matters which I am sure need something in the way of clarification."
Hajile and Nasus were feeding each other strawberries drenched with champagne. Nasus had knocked over the bottle twice already, but Hajile simply laughed. "You're so beautiful," he told her for no real reason whatsoever.
"No, Hajile. No... I'm not," she said with great woe. "I smell bad and I need a shower."
"So do I," he said, though Nasus highly doubted that Hajile could be anything less than perfect. In fact, he still smelled of his shampoo and freshly washed skin. He was just trying to make her feel better. "How about we bathe together in our private, enormous bathroom?"
"Oh, YES," Nasus said. She went with him to the gold-encased doorway leading into the bathroom and handed their clothes to the private attendant.
Hajile washed her hair, getting his fingers stuck constantly in the matted strands. He tried at first to comb them out gently, but Nasus told him to just get it overwith and pull the holy hell out of it.
Three pounds of hair later, they sat together on the small couch. "Oh Hajile," she cooed, snuggling into his chest. As wonderfully wonderful beautiful as it was to be close to him, her arm was getting crunched between him and the couch. Swallowing past the numbing sensation of her awkward position, she continued. "I can't believe we're here. We're at Hogwarts to learn magic!"
"I know. It's unbelievable!"
"I... I love you Hajile,"
Hajile's eyes welled with tears, holding her closer. Now she was starting to lose her breath with his hold; while it wasn't very tight, the already strange position she was in caused enough discomfort already. His backbone pressed into her hand, crushing her fingers together. "I love you too... I've... felt it since we met,"
"Nungh,"
Eiram was following Minerva McGonagall to her chambers. Her head was spinning. Muggles, Witches, Wizards, wands, Hogwarts, dead Headmasters who were her father, secret Headmasters who were Trent Ronzer, disguised Headmasters who were misspelled, and tomorrow she was expected to begin teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts, which she had not even known existed that morning.
She had thought it perfectly impossible enough that Twiggy Ramone had come to her door.
And Twiggy... Twiggy, whose real name she had always believed to be Jeordie Wonderland, was in fact Severus Snape, who had disappeared from the Wizarding World. Severus had been forced to recover his Twiggy persona because as Jeordie he looked too much like himself in Muggle clothing.
And that terrifying ghoul at the elevator...
She couldn't think anymore. She needed to sleep. Perhaps she would wake up back in her apartment, unbathed and broken-hearted and relieved, really, that things were still as she expected them to be. If they were, she promised herself she would take a shower and put in a load of laundry.
Minerva stopped outside a heavy oaken door and handed her an iron key. "Here we are, then, Eiram," she said. "Everything should be in order, at least to get you through the night. I expect you could use some rest, so I'll leave you to it."
"Thank you," said Eiram, wanting very much to ask Minerva to come in for a bit, but the Witch's tone did not invite an invitation. She had clearly come from her own bed to guide Eiram through the castle.
Minerva left and Eiram fitted the key into the lock. As the door swung open, she realized why Minerva had not lingered.
Twiggy was waiting for her.
"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?"
Nasus opened her eyes, finding Ybbuh towering over her. Looking to her left, Hajile sat sipping some coffee and looking to Ybbuh with bewilderment.
"Oh, hello Ybbuh!" Hajile said. "Would you like some chai tea? Made it myself, crushed the ginger fresh this morn-"
"What EXACTLY have you been doing with MY WIFE?" Ybbuh shrieked. Both Nasus and Hajile looked at each other.
"Oh! Well, we'd taken a bath then made sweet, sweet love into the wee hours of the morning-" Hajile went to explain, making Ybbuh gawk.
"WHAT?"
"Darling," Nasus now spoke, her hair sticking up at all ends like a cactus. "We have an open relationship, remember?"
"YEA but... I never would have DREAMED that you would have gone for THIS creep!" Ybbuh yelled, waving a hand towards Hajile dramatically.
"Urm... what about the last two years of my fangirling over this very much here and now Hajile Wood did you NOT register?" Nasus said incredulously.
"I thought that was just a phase!" Ybbuh yelled; he turned his attentions back to Hajile again, growing red in the face. "She thought you were gay, y'now! Even wrote stories about you getting shtooped by Josh Hardknot, Dom Manowar, not to MENTION the sheer VOLUMES of hobbit porn! Do you even want to KNOW how many times she had "Mr. Frodo" getting banged through the mattress by Sam?"
"OH!" Hajile said, laughing. "Well, those events DID occur, yes, but I'm bi,"
Ybbuh spluttered. "THAT'S IT! I'm LEAVING you two to your den of iniquity and sin!" he cried. "I'm demanding that I get switched to a new house!" and with that, he stormed out of the dormitory. Nasus watched him go, biting her lip.
"Ow,"
"What?"
"I bit my damned lip,"
"OH! Let me kiss it better!"
After a heavy make-out session that lasted well into when they SHOULD have been in their first day of classes with enormous amounts of heavy petting and soft strokes, dilligent and insistent carresses and moaning, loving, touching, sucking, biting, nipping, licking...
"Did you really... well, do all that with Dom and Josh and..."
"Oh my, yes. I'm afraid that Sean Asteroid didn't go for the Master/Gardener roleplay I suggested, so Dom just filled in for him. Now THAT, THAT was great..."
"OH!" Nasus cried, pulling Hajile in for another long and gorgeous...
MEANWHILE, in the office of Dumbbilder
"Wait... WHO ARE YOU?"
Trent turned in his swivelled chair to face Ybbuh dramatically. "Who I am isn't impor-"
"HOLY SHIT! You're Trent Ronzer!"
"Urm... yea. Yea, I am. Now then, let me explain-"
"DUDE! I went to your concert in '95, the one you toured with Machete on! My friend J met you at UMass when you practiced at the Mullins center, do you remember him? MAN, and hey, your brother, he lives in the town over from us! I SWORE I saw you at the Food Mart when I was doing a cash drop at the bank for where I worked-"
"LOOK. What do you fucking want?"
"Oh. Well... my wife has completely betrayed me by sleeping with Mr. BoyToy Hajile freakin' Wood. Can I switch houses?"
"Hmm," Trent said, rubbing his chin. "It's a rare thing to do such things. After all, Grifindore is a wonderful house. But... I think I can make an exception,"
Ybbuh sighed in relief. "Where am I to go?" he asked.
"Sliteren."
"Whose side are you really on?" Eiram asked.
"I've been on Dumbledore's side since we recorded Dark Lord Superstar at Trent's old studio in New Orleans," said Twiggy. "I worked for him from the inside as long as I could, but eventually Pogo started wondering whether I was really spending as much time with Dave Neverland, and later with Josh Bonhomie (he's an Auror, by the way), as I claimed I was, and Voldemort began making it difficult for me to leave his side. I managed to convince him that I would be of more service to him if I left his band, but he became mistrustful again when I joined Trent's. Fortunately his records have been such crap since I left that I was able to persuade him that I remained his servant by offering to secretly start writing his music again, but that Kappa-Mu-Phi-Delta-Mu guy Skuelld keeps whispering in his ear, and so I am constantly having to prove my loyalty. As I did today."
"So..." said Eiram, "how do I fit into all of this?
"Well, you are Dumbledore's daughter. Potter will need you. Only he can destroy Voldemort in the final battle, but he is a headstrong boy and has no mature voice to prevent him from suicidal heroics, especially now that Hermione has become a Gothgrrl. It would be too much of a distraction for her if Trent were to guide him, and Merlin knows he won't listen to me, nor can I stomach the little beast, but you, I think, he might respond to. He was very, very attached to your father."
"So you showed up at my door and pretended to be in LOVE with me just to lure me into some crazy Wizarding war between the Teens for Trent and Marianne Manson!"
"Eiram, no!" Twiggy cried. "The moment I saw you in London, with your frizzy hair and mascara running all over your face... I didn't even know who you were, then. I thought I would never see you again."
He reached for her, but she stepped back.
"Tell me something," she said. "Did you really sleep with Courtward Loveless?"
Ybbuh received a great welcome from his new Slitriny friends. They'd all become quite attached to Mr. Melon, and had taught him things he'd not ever been exposed to in the two years of his life. Ybbuh was treated to a fine show of tricks, surprisingly with a small wand Mr. Melon had. As Mr. Melon giggled at the books he tossed around the room with a flick of his 5 3/4 inches Willow with a Teddy Bear hair in the core, Ybbuh sighed. "I didn't buy a wand, I don't even know where to get one,"
"I can help you with THAT."
Ybbuh looked to his right, finding a blond boy sneering down on him. "Hey... you're Malfoy, aren't you?"
"Yea. And you're the poor sod who's wife left you for that prat, Hajile Wood," Malfoy said with a scowl. He looked to the hearth, glowing with evil Slithrine fire. "That Wood. I'd marry Potter if it meant I'd never have to come across 'North' ever again. Did I ever tell you how just that ONE FILM ruined my life?"
"Er... well, seeing as I'd just met you..."
"Came across it while flipping channels on the telly. Cor, what absolute rubbish! Then it's like everyone forgets about it all when he's some cutesy little hobbit,"
"Yea, I know. I fell for it too. Y'now he fucked like, half the cast?" Ybbuh said with a snarl; good LORD, already he was lying and being deceitful. AWESOME!
"Really?" Malfoy said. Ybbuh chuckled.
"Anyways, what was that about a wand?"
Malfoy looked from side to side to see if anyone was watching. "Commad," he hissed to Ybbuh. Ybbuh followed him down an eerie corridor of the Sletheren dungeon, liking the darkness. He was becoming a child of the night. Malfoy stopped in front of a coffin lined with dead black roses and opened it and pulled out an uber speshul secret evil Slytrin wand. "See? This wand is uber super speshul secret evil. It's totally evil and stuff. See if it works for you."
The moment the wand touched Ybbuh's hand, his skin seemed to glow with black flames. Malfoy smiled. "Yea. It's so you."
MEANWHILE
"Late?"
Hajile and Nasus looked up at the strangely dressed teacher. "We're sorry... er...Professor Twig..."
"That's Professor. TWIGGY, if you don't mind."
Already they were off to a bad start! Hajile took hold of one of Nasus' hands underneath the long desk. Hermione saw this from her seat behind them and glared holes into Nasus' back.
Eiram had gotten no sleep. She had had to read the introductory chapters in each of the textbooks assigned to the classes she would be teaching that day. Twiggy had waited for her to get through them all, working out the main riff for Voldemort's song on an acoustic guitar as she read, pausing to walk her through the spells she would have to demonstrate. Then, instead of breakfast, he had helped her workshop lesson plans for the day.
As her first group of students--Hufflepuffs if she had remembered the House colors correctly--filed in, sleep deprivation overwhelmed her and she forgot to bother worrying that she knew exactly no magic. She had, after all, given totally extemporized lectures through the entire summer she had taught Mythology.
"Good morning," she said, as the students took their seats. "I am Professor Dumbledore."
It was fortunate that Trent, Minerva, and Twiggy had all warned her of the reaction this would cause. She waited for the collective gasp to die down, glad for the few minutes of class time it took up.
"We shall begin today with what might seem an unlikely source of Dark Magic," she said, and held up a compact disc. "Who can tell me what this is?"
About ten students raised their hands. From what she had learned the previous night, she expected these students were Muggleborn, and perhaps some were Half-Bloods. She nodded at a girl in the corner.
"It's called a CD," said the girl. "Muggles store music on them. By means of a Muggle device called a CD-player, they are made to reproduce the music."
"Very good, twenty points. And does anyone recognize this CD in particular?"
"It's a Muggle band called Good Charlotte," said the boy she had nodded to next. "They're very popular with Muggle girls our age."
"Have you ever heard them?" Eiram asked.
"Well, yes," he said. "They're kind of awful."
"Exactly," she said. "But catchy, yes?"
"Yes, yes, they are."
"Why do you suppose that is? Since they are awful."
"Is there some hex recorded along with the music?" asked the boy.
"Fifty points," said Eiram. "Now who can tell me what would be the purpose of hexing Muggle music?"
It had become quite apparent to anyone watching that Hajile and Nasus were completely inseperable. They had been put together in every class, as if by some miracle, they were given the chance to spend any moment of every day together. They were so going to fail, but it didn't matter.
They walked into the big place where everyone eats for lunch, both of them very hungry. That day the lunch was roast beef and ham, chicken pot pie, vegetable soup, enormous rolls with butter, chicken, steamed baby carrots, spinach quiche, potato puffs, chicken nuggets, salmon, mashed potatoes, baby corn, pork fried rice, chocolate pudding, buffalo wings, watermelon, au gratin potatoes, chili con carne, pickled herring, peanut butter cups and orange mocha frappachinos.
"Come now my little hobbit! Open wiiiide," Nasus cooed, spoon feeding Hajile some chili. Like a baby bird he raised his open mouth to her and ate her offering. As she giggled, Hermione plopped her plate down hard on the table.
"That's just totally SICK." she said. "Gag me! I think Hajile is MORE than able to feed himself!"
"Actually, I'm not." Hajile said; he picked up his glass of frappachino and raised it to his lips. It suddenly dipped too much to the left and spilled onto his shoulder, causing him to jump up and run out of the dining commons crying.
"You total goth bitch!" Nasus screamed loudly at Hermione. "He's very sensitive about his lack of focussing on close things!"
"I didn't know-" Hermione cried out; Nasus didn't care as she ran down to the double doors and left the place she was eating in. She whipped her head to the left and gasped.
Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle were there, surrounding Hajile near a painting of a dancing nun. "HEY!" Nasus called out, running over. "What's going on?"
Malfoy ignored her presence and poked a stiff finger into Hajile's shoulder. "Listen NORTH-"
"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" Hajile yelled; he actually sounded pretty foreboding. The frappachino incident must have set something off, along with being called such a vicious name. Malfoy recovered from his shock at being yelled at and continued taunting him, making Hajile keep yelling. Malfoy lifted a fist and aimed for Hajile; for whatever reason, Nasus suddenly yelled:
"MONKLADIOSO!"
Suddenly out of absolutely nowhere, Malfoy broke into song. It was more like a chant, really; low and strong, continuing into unintelligible phrases and sounds. Everyone stared upon him, then to Nasus.
"NASUS!" Hajile cried. "You can do WANDLESS MAGIC!"
Eiram was ravenously hungry, but it was nevertheless an effort to keep from dropping off into her plate. She was vaguely aware of several of the students staring at the teachers' table and could, every now and then, hear her last name rise from the general chatter filling the Great Hall, provided by the Hufflepuffs and the Ravenclaws she had taught that morning. Trent had sent a note to Moody asking him to delay introducing either her or Twiggy until dinner that evening, and for that she was grateful. She did not think she could stand up without collapsing. Thankfully she had the two hours following lunch free, and Minerva had promised to send an owl to make sure she woke in time for her next class.
Twiggy was not in much better shape than she was, but it was less obvious under his heavy white makeup. Trent had, luckily, been slightly off the mark regarding Hermione's recognition of him. She had, of course, recognized him straightaway, he said, but he was just the bass player so she really didn't care, although she did comment on his resuming Twiggyness after spending the last several years in pants. He had docked Gryffindor thirty points for her attention to his wardrobe.
Eiram swayed in her chair. Twiggy moved closer to help prop her up. She leaned against his shoulder as unobtrusively as possible. She really was not sure she would make it through lunch.
A bit of a ruckus at the Gryffindor table caught her attention, however, and brought her back into consciousness. A boy rose and ran out of the hall, leaving a weeping Hermione and a furious...woman?
"Minerva," she said, "Isn't that Gryffindor a little...old for a student?"
"She's one of the new American transfers," said Minerva. "Well, less transfer really, than non-traditional students. No one is quite certain what they are doing here, but they arrived on the Hogwarts Express and the Sorting Hat Sorted them. There are also a gentleman of the same age and a toddler who was Sorted into Slytherin."
"And the boy who ran out of the Hall?" asked Eiram.
"A Hobbit from Middle Earth, I believe," Minerva said. "He is, in fact, an adult as well, but it's difficult to tell if you aren't familiar with their folk."
"Miss Granger is quite taken with the Hobbit," said Twiggy. "Rather more than is healthy given that the Hobbit and the new woman would appear to be...involved. However, this does prevent her from looking too closely at me during class and possibly realizing that the differences between the former Potions professor and his replacement are superficial."
"I don't think you have much to worry about, Sever--" McGonagall pursed her lips. "Twiggy, that is. Miss Granger is not, so far as I can tell, realizing anything at the moment except her hormones."
"I'll get that... that LADY back for what she did!" Draco yelled as Nasus' speshul wandless spell was wearing off. Every now and again he'd be forced into doing some sort of Benediction, but Goyle would dutifully clamp his hand over Draco's mouth to keep him from embarrassing himself. Sometimes.
"What's going on?" Ybbuh asked, coming in from the bedrooms to sit next to the fire.
"Ahmidoeesrequieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemmmm..."
"Huh?"
"What?" Goyle looked up from stuffing his face with a bowl of cream of wheat. "OH! Draco, I'm sorry-"
"You useless lump!" Draco insulted, standing up. He then whirled on his heels to Ybbuh. "That... WIFE of yours! She cursed me with some spell that makes me sing like a monk!"
Ybbuh was stunned to say the least. "But... how? She doesn't even have a wand, let alone how to use one-"
"She didn't NEED one! She cursed me with a WANDLESS SPELL! Urisonarequieeeeeeeeeemmmmm..."
"Huh? Oh, right, the monk thing, I get- WAIT, WHAT? A wandless spell!" Ybbuh suddenly cried out.
"Yoú're saying you didn't know?"
"I didn't!"
Malfoy surveryed him a moment then sighed. "Fine. I'll believe you-THIS time. But if you're hiding anything else from me..."
Ybbuh swallowed as Draco made threats, getting interrupted by the occasional monkish outburst. There WERE a few things he knew; things they'd never even told hers or his parents. Things that could... stun the entire magical world...