5

Make It Like a Memory

Chakotay,

From the moment I saw you on the bridge of my ship, I felt something move between us; feelings of desire, want, need, and yearning. I wanted to touch you, but each time I laid a hand on your shoulder the emotions grew stronger, so I had to pull away. The chemistry between us scared me. I was afraid of being hurt again, which was something I didn't want to happen again.

I made up rules and used protocol as an excuse. A habit I developed long ago, a shield to make me feel safe, and to protect me from pain. It was never my intent to hurt you, Chakotay, yet over the last few years, I know I have. I hope it is not too late for us.

Since our return to the Alpha Quadrant, I find myself remembering the moments we've shared the past seven years. They seem like shadows of a past long forgotten, dark figment of distant memories that have faded into the recesses of my mind.

There was a connection between us the moment I saw you on the Maquis. I don't know what it was, but you touched something deep inside me and then came the fateful moment that I had to decide to save you and your crew from certain death. Once I saw you on the bridge of my ship, the feeling became stronger. I could not turn back, nor could I run. Fate seemed to have thrown us together.

I remember the shelter we shared on New Earth. It was the one place we truly shared, but the shelter of your arms during the storm is what I missed most. I longed for your arms around me, comforting me, reassuring me as storm clouds built in the Delta Quadrant. Sometimes I wish we never had that moment in time, then I would not continue to long for your strong arms. I don't want to forget and each time we fight the Hirogen, the Borg, or other disagreeable species, I wish for that moment in time again, because it was the moment I felt safe.

The power of your arms is not just strength, but also comfort. There will never be another with the power to comfort me as you do, but the nights are long without you since we left New Earth. Nothing is the same since we returned and a part of me wishes it were. The heat was strong on New Earth and now there is just a cool breeze between us.

I remember our conversation on New Earth when I was lying near my vegetable bed. As we conversed, I silently thought, 'It's nice to have him beside me while I relax near my garden. It's a shame he can't be lying next to me, in my bed for the rest of my life.' Maybe I shouldn't tell you that, but it was my silent thought and then we returned to Voyager.

Everytime you were injured, I worried. I couldn't help myself. I'd see you on that bio-bed and I feared you would die. There has been no other man who has made me feel as you do, Chakotay, not even Justin, Mark, Kashyk, or Jaffen. No one can compare to you.

Seeing my older self has caused me to rethink some things and now that we are back in the Alpha Quadrant, I hope you have too. I really want us to be together and not lose each other like Admiral Janeway and her Chakotay did. I'm more than willing to put aside protocol and my boundaries just to have you for the rest of my life. The question is… Will you have me after I've pushed you away?

You and I are a team and it was the only way we could survive on New Earth. It was how we survived in the Delta Quadrant. We are the greatest command team there ever was and I think we could be the greatest team in life.

Your Kathryn

Kathryn,

Maybe I was wrong to hold you that night we lost everything on New Earth, but if I hadn't, you could have been hurt. Since then, I've wanted to hold you every night for the rest of our lives. There were times that I feared there wouldn't be another chance to hold you ever again. Now, there is hope that one day, I will hold you in my arms and show you again, just how much I love you.

Voyager was our shelter, but we didn't share it as we did the one on New Earth. Now, the time we had together on New Earth is just a distant memory.

I meant what I said when I told you the "Angry Warrior Story". I would do anything for you and I would even sell my soul to be with you for the rest of my life. We work well together. It's our strength and sometimes our weakness, for our desires cause us to yearn for more.

Yet, you build walls between us. What is it that you fear? I could never hurt you or hold you back, but I can't stop loving you. I will love you forever.

I thought I had lost you when you were caught in the alien's web. I held you in my arms feeling like I would die if you did. A part of me would have perished with you. So, I cried to the spirits to spare your life. Finally, my prayers were answered and I thank the spirits every day that you lived to be with me another day.

When you allowed yourself to be assimilated by the Borg, I was scared it would be forever. I didn't want to say goodbye. I wanted to hold you and stop you from committing suicide. Then I was thankful when we saw each other again, even with the Borg implants in your body.

That moment worried me, but when I think back even further I remember a time when Seska took my DNA to create a child I didn't want, not with her at least. She was my former lover, who used me, but you were still there with words of reassurance and promise. Those words gave me hope that you and I would have children of our own one day.

We've fought many times over the years. Sometimes our disagreements were so bad that I didn't want to be on the same ship as you, but then something would happen to cause me to realize that I wouldn't have it any other way. I think the worst arguments we had was when we argued about the Borg, especially when you wanted me to enact a plan we called Scorpion. I walked out on you then, but it was not long before I regretted it and was once again by your side.

We've betrayed each other and we've lied to each other. Yes, we've both lied, yet I still love you. I sometimes wonder if you love me.

What is the lie we've told each other? It's the denial of our feeling for each other. We need to stop lying to each other, but you'll just remind me once more of protocol and hurt me once again. Very few men get knocked down by a woman as many times as I have been by you. Yet I still keep coming back for more. Why? Because I love you and want you to stay in my life forever.

Then there was Admiral Janeway. She showed me just how much you love me, but you could never tell. She told me just how much you love me and how much pain you felt, or rather she felt, when my alternate self died. I only hope that you never have to go what she went through, but I don't know how to keep you from it. How do I show you that we belong together? How do I convince you to drop your shields and let me into your private world?

No, I can't convince you of anything you don't want to be convinced of, I learned that long ago. Maybe my love for you makes me a sorry soul, but I can't stop loving you. There will always be a place in my heart for you, Kathryn.

I have never met anyone that has stirred my soul as you have, Kathryn, and I don't believe I ever will again. I pray that the spirits bring you to me willingly and with open arms. Then again, all that has happened in the last seven years maybe a dream. One that I have had with my eyes wide open, but one I can hope that the spirits make true one day. Until that day comes, I will continue to see that your needs are met. When that day comes, I will be here for you.

Forever,

Your Chakotay

Later that evening, Kathryn was sitting in her quarters reading an old novel, but her mind was not on the story. It was on Chakotay and the letter that he would never see because she had deleted it after composing it. Now, she was kicking herself for doing that and was not sure why she was so afraid for him to see the letter.

Then, she recalled the time that he introduced her animal guide to her. It was the most enlightening experience she ever had. To her, it was more enlightening than when she took Kes to find a cure, which only spirits of another culture knew. Chakotay tried to stop her, but she was determined to see Kes get better, even if it mean believing in the power of alien spirits. Yet those same spirits also gave her more to ponder over the years, as well as her spirit guide.

She also remembered the many loves that came in and out of Chakotay's life came to her mind. Each one of them had an effect on him, some positive and some negative, but the thought of them sadden her and she wondered if their relationship was to be no more than friends for the rest of their lives.

Yet at the same time she could recall the men in her life. None of them could ever compare to Chakotay. One had no soul because he was a hologram with no more substance then what she gave him. He was just a dream created from her imagination. Kashyk believed in genocide, which is something she could never agree to in a million years. Jaffen was force on me by a brainwashing and Mark could never be as emotionally supportive as Chakotay.

"What would our lives been like if I had not insisted on boundaries and protocol with Chakotay? Would I be happier with him than I was with the others?" She thought as she began to regret pushing Chakotay away over the past seven years. "Maybe I enjoy the dangers and risks of being involved with such men."

Sorrow of what might have been began to overtake her as she stared out of her portal.

"I guess I'm doomed to such men," she sighed with resignation as the chime to her quarters rang, "Come in."

"I got your message," Chakotay said as he entered her quarters.

"Message? What message? I never sent…" She paused and became very confused. "I got a message from you. I just haven't thought of a reply yet."

"You got a message from me?" He was suddenly shocked as he watched her get the PADD with the message he never sent. In fact, he saved it to his personal logs. "I never sent you a message."

"B'Elanna?" Kathryn inquired.

"Tom?"

"Ayala?"

"Harry?"

"Or all?" They chimed together.

"But I deleted mine," Kathryn insisted with confusion as she scanned what he had written. "That is, I wrote you one before I got yours, but changed my mind about sending it to you, so I deleted it."

"Did you? Remember B'Elanna has a talent for retrieving things."

"Oh, Chakotay! I never knew, I mean… You still love me after all we've been through together?" She fought to hold back the tears that threaten to spill out of her eyes.

"In a word, yes, but I didn't believe you wanted to hear it," he told her as he moved closer to her. "Did you mean what you said in yours?"

Kathryn discarded the PADD and threw her arms around Chakotay, "Yes, I did, I just…" She paused as the tears she tried hard to hold back began to roll down her face.

"You just what?" He asked as he held her in his arms.

"I was afraid to send it to you."

"I was too. I wasn't sure how you would react, even though we are back in the Alpha Quadrant."

"I wasn't sure if you wanted to read how I felt."

"Kathryn, have I ever refused to listen to you?"

"No," she replied and then kissed him as though it would be their last. When she finally broke the kiss she asked, "So, where do we go from here?"

"Oh, I don't know. Shall we make more memories together?"

"I thought you'd never ask!" She said excitedly as she kissed him again with more enthusiasm.

After a moment, Chakotay gently pulled away from her, "What about protocol, and boundaries?"

"Oh, I think we could throw them out the nearest airlock!"

"For tonight or forever?"

"Forever, Chakotay, forever!" She affirmed with a loving smile and took him by the hand to lead him to her bed.