p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 16px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"My entire body was a mass of pain. There wasn't a single piece of me that did not hurt, that didn't scream and throb. It was like my mind and body were crying out; calling and begging for someone anyone to save it. To take it away from the radiation that was killing it. And I was left, alone, with the knowledge that even if the could get me out of this death chamber there was no way that the damage already done to my anatomy could be fixed. I was going to die, and for just a moment I wished that I had not done it. Hadn't rushed to the warp core determined to set it right, even at the cost of my own life./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 16px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"A cough racked my body, abusing my already injured lungs and almost making me fall from my seated position. I caught a glimpse of black and blue from the corner of my eye and after adjusting myself turned my head so that I could see out of the glass door keeping me prisoner. And there was Spock, beautiful Spock. And suddenly I was filled with guilt over my last thought. Anything was worth saving him, my perfect half Vulcan with his adorable pointed ears and his oddly straight eyebrows. Eyebrows that at this moment were drawn down in concern and worry./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 16px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I lifted my leaden arm doing my best to ignore the stabs of pain it caused. Using some of the last of my strength I reached above my head and pressed the button that would close the door to the warp core. After I allowed gravity to do its job, causing my arm to flop back down to the ground. I was panting in exhaustion while I did my best to face Spock. He would be a good last image even if his usually emotionless face was twisted by negative feelings. But before I could allow myself to slip away into an endless sleep there were things I needed to know./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 16px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""How's our ship?" I questioned breaths escaping my body in tired pants. His expression did not change, still fixed in helpless desperation but he answered anyway. "Out of danger," was his short and to the point reply. Amusement bubbled up inside me. I could always count on Spock to tell me exactly what I needed to know, he was reliable. That was the reason I picked him to be my second in command along with knowing that he was incredibly smart. I was happy to know that the ship would be going into his capable hands after my death./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 16px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I smiled at him as best I could, "Good." Spock's voice wavered and his eyes gleamed with tears but he ignored his own pain and told me what he knew would make me happy, "You saved the crew." I was appreciative that he let me know that most of the crew, my family, was going to live. That my death wouldn't be for nothing. "You used what he wanted against him. That's a nice move." I was so proud of him and I let that pride seep through in my voice. I wanted him to know in my last moments that he was the only thing I was thinking about. I needed to make sure that he was never one of those people that regrets their last minutes with their deceased loved one./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 16px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"He stared so intently at me with those glistening brown orbs and I wished I could take his tears and his pain away but I am their cause. My death is their cause. "It is what you would have done," and he says it with such certainty that warmth blooms in my chest. That warmth feels so good, so very good compared to the rest of me which until that second I hadn't even realized was steadily cooling. I didn't have much time now./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 16px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""And this," I said looking him straight in the eye, "This is what you would have done." He would have too, he would have given his life for the people on this ship and it makes me glad that I was the one closest to the core, that I thought of it and he didn't because I can not stand the thought of Spock being in my place. Of Spock being stuck inside a prison of certain death with radiation eating away at his insides and life slipping from his body. I can't stand it so I push away the thought and continue, "It was only logical."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 16px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Suddenly a knife of fear pierced my heart and I was consumed in panic. I look to Spock tears forming in my own eyes, "I'm scared Spock." I admit, wishing that just once he could hold me just this once while I died even if it meant nothing to him. "Help me not be," I pleaded. My voice cracked slightly but I continued anyway. "How do you choose not to feel?" I wanted that so badly, a switch that I could just flip to get rid of the fear that was consuming me. Spock sniffled before answering in a quavering voice thick with sadness, "I do not know. Right now I am feeling." He looked so lost so hopeless and it broke my heart./spanspan style="font-size: 16px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"br class="kix-line-break" /br class="kix-line-break" /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 16px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"My body was growing even colder and weaker, an urgency filled me. I need him to know, need him to know I love him before I die. "I want you to know why I couldn't let you die. Why I went back for you." I began trying to push my pain and weariness to the back of my mind. Spock used my pause to answer, "Because you are my friend," a single tear trailed down his cheek leaving a line of moisture in its wake./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 16px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I lifted my hand slowly forcing my muscles to raise the appendage that seemed to weigh a ton. I pressed my palm to the glass that was keeping me separate from Spock. Its temperature felt no different than my own and I knew that it was a sign that I had only a couple of minutes left, if I was lucky. Spock place his against the outline of mine with his middle and ring finger parted. I moved my fingers to match his before looking back at his face and giving him a soft loving smile. I shook my head in a negative and saw a hint of confusion fill Spock's eyes./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 16px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""No Spock. I didn't save you just because we are friends," I said. I paused needing a moment to breath as my vision fussed. When it cleared I could see that Spock had drawn back slightly hurt coloring his expression. "I saved you because I love you," as I watched hurt turned to shock and his brown eyes widened to the size of saucers. "I'm in love with you, and I have been for a while," I ended my confession on a sigh. My body didn't hurt anymore but I was so tired and my eyes kept fluttering shut. The last thing I felt was my hand sliding down the glass and seeing Spock's face crumble in grief./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 16px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"A cough racked my body, abusing my already injured lungs and almost making me fall from my seated position. I caught a glimpse of black and blue from the corner of my eye and after adjusting myself turned my head so that I could see out of the glass door keeping me prisoner. And there was Spock, beautiful Spock. And suddenly I was filled with guilt over my last thought. Anything was worth saving him, my perfect half Vulcan with his adorable pointed ears and his oddly straight eyebrows. Eyebrows that at this moment were drawn down in concern and worry./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 16px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I lifted my leaden arm doing my best to ignore the stabs of pain it caused. Using some of the last of my strength I reached above my head and pressed the button that would close the door to the warp core. After I allowed gravity to do its job, causing my arm to flop back down to the ground. I was panting in exhaustion while I did my best to face Spock. He would be a good last image even if his usually emotionless face was twisted by negative feelings. But before I could allow myself to slip away into an endless sleep there were things I needed to know./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 16px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""How's our ship?" I questioned breaths escaping my body in tired pants. His expression did not change, still fixed in helpless desperation but he answered anyway. "Out of danger," was his short and to the point reply. Amusement bubbled up inside me. I could always count on Spock to tell me exactly what I needed to know, he was reliable. That was the reason I picked him to be my second in command along with knowing that he was incredibly smart. I was happy to know that the ship would be going into his capable hands after my death./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 16px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I smiled at him as best I could, "Good." Spock's voice wavered and his eyes gleamed with tears but he ignored his own pain and told me what he knew would make me happy, "You saved the crew." I was appreciative that he let me know that most of the crew, my family, was going to live. That my death wouldn't be for nothing. "You used what he wanted against him. That's a nice move." I was so proud of him and I let that pride seep through in my voice. I wanted him to know in my last moments that he was the only thing I was thinking about. I needed to make sure that he was never one of those people that regrets their last minutes with their deceased loved one./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 16px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"He stared so intently at me with those glistening brown orbs and I wished I could take his tears and his pain away but I am their cause. My death is their cause. "It is what you would have done," and he says it with such certainty that warmth blooms in my chest. That warmth feels so good, so very good compared to the rest of me which until that second I hadn't even realized was steadily cooling. I didn't have much time now./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 16px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""And this," I said looking him straight in the eye, "This is what you would have done." He would have too, he would have given his life for the people on this ship and it makes me glad that I was the one closest to the core, that I thought of it and he didn't because I can not stand the thought of Spock being in my place. Of Spock being stuck inside a prison of certain death with radiation eating away at his insides and life slipping from his body. I can't stand it so I push away the thought and continue, "It was only logical."/span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 16px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Suddenly a knife of fear pierced my heart and I was consumed in panic. I look to Spock tears forming in my own eyes, "I'm scared Spock." I admit, wishing that just once he could hold me just this once while I died even if it meant nothing to him. "Help me not be," I pleaded. My voice cracked slightly but I continued anyway. "How do you choose not to feel?" I wanted that so badly, a switch that I could just flip to get rid of the fear that was consuming me. Spock sniffled before answering in a quavering voice thick with sadness, "I do not know. Right now I am feeling." He looked so lost so hopeless and it broke my heart./spanspan style="font-size: 16px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"br class="kix-line-break" /br class="kix-line-break" /span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 16px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"My body was growing even colder and weaker, an urgency filled me. I need him to know, need him to know I love him before I die. "I want you to know why I couldn't let you die. Why I went back for you." I began trying to push my pain and weariness to the back of my mind. Spock used my pause to answer, "Because you are my friend," a single tear trailed down his cheek leaving a line of moisture in its wake./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 16px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I lifted my hand slowly forcing my muscles to raise the appendage that seemed to weigh a ton. I pressed my palm to the glass that was keeping me separate from Spock. Its temperature felt no different than my own and I knew that it was a sign that I had only a couple of minutes left, if I was lucky. Spock place his against the outline of mine with his middle and ring finger parted. I moved my fingers to match his before looking back at his face and giving him a soft loving smile. I shook my head in a negative and saw a hint of confusion fill Spock's eyes./span/p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" /p
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"span style="font-size: 16px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""No Spock. I didn't save you just because we are friends," I said. I paused needing a moment to breath as my vision fussed. When it cleared I could see that Spock had drawn back slightly hurt coloring his expression. "I saved you because I love you," as I watched hurt turned to shock and his brown eyes widened to the size of saucers. "I'm in love with you, and I have been for a while," I ended my confession on a sigh. My body didn't hurt anymore but I was so tired and my eyes kept fluttering shut. The last thing I felt was my hand sliding down the glass and seeing Spock's face crumble in grief./span/p