I do not own Hetalia, Hidekaz Himaruya does. Nor do I own Patrick from Spongebob.
A/N: Just a drabble to clear my writers' block. :/
I have no intention of offending anybody. If I do, I'm terribly sorry.
Review? (:
America's boss spun round in his office chair to face Alfred, slamming the documents Alfred had passed to him the day before.
"America! These plans are just …"
"Awesome? Fantastic? Hero-worthy?" America suggested animatedly.
"Just down right stupid. None of them are possible and let's get this straight, superheroes do not exist."
"But…I'm a hero! I'm the one and only American hero!"
"America. I'm serious. Take this proposal for example, the one to help Iceland's money woes. Your idea was to, I quote, 'invent a time machine and go back and stop them from making the mistake'."
"It's possible! We have the world's best scientists!"
"That may be true but our level of technology isn't that high yet."
"We can try!"
"Okay fine. I'll hand your proposal to the people in Silicon Valley."
"Silicon Valley? Isn't that where you get Silicon? Why put my proposal there?"
"Urgh America. I give up. Let's move to your other proposal, regarding Chile's volcano eruption. You said, 'Make a huge plug and put it at the mouth of the volcano.' Seriously Alfred, is it possible to make a plug that big?"
"It is! Just leave it to the sink people! If metal's too expensive, use rubber!"
"Rubber will melt and emit poisonous fumes. Putting a plug will cause the formation of parasitic cones too."
"Oh…"
"And how about your New Zealand Earthquake solution? 'Find the fault and stick the plates together. Or push the city to a different place.' Really? Push the city?"
"But… but… Patrick said it's possible! He gave me the idea!"
"America. It's impossible to push a city."
"Curse you Patrick Star!"
"Anyways, your other ideas weren't very good. These are the worst of the lot."
America felt a stabbing pain in his heart; he clutched his chest and whimpered, "Ouch boss! That was really mean!"
"Well you have to know the truth." His boss shrugged nonchalantly.
"Then how am I supposed to come up with good ideas?"
"Your ideas are too impossible and you only think about yourself. How you want to seem like a hero but you don't think about the country in need."
"Huh?"
"Well, I've got to go now! I have a family to feed! I hope you share your new ideas at the World Conference this Saturday. Well, I'll leave you to go put your thinking cap on."
"Wait!"
"Piece of advice America."
"Huh?"
"Try putting yourself in others' shoes."
America just stared at his boss leaving, completely dumbfounded.
"Put myself in others' shoes?"
/-
Finally, the day of the world meeting arrived. America clutched his briefcase tightly, feelings very excited to share his idea.
He strolled into the conference room, an air of (over)confidence surrounding him. The rest of the countries were chattering and not taking notice of his entrance. Feeling a bit ticked off, he slammed his briefcase onto the table once he reached his seat.
"Alright everybody! Party's over! The hero has arrived."
"It's about time you did. You're bloody 30 minutes late." England chastised from his seat.
"Hush Iggy! A great plan takes wisdom and patience."
"Didn't I tell you to never call me that blasted name again?"
"But it's cute!"
"Cute? Hell no!"
"Well, I want to call you that and it's final!" America stuck his tongue out, "Sucks for you!"
"What did you just do? How can you be so juvenile? A kid like you shouldn't be leading this meeting, hell, even be at this meeting!"
"Iggy!" America gasped, "How dare you mock me!"
"It's the truth!" England exclaimed exasperatedly, "Everybody in this room probably agrees with me!"
"Erm… If I may," France put his hand up, "I agree with neither of you."
"Bloody wine bastard!" England grabbed France's shirt collar and shook him violently.
"Angleterre! Arretez! This is Armani!"
"Do I look like I care?"
"Obviously you don't. You probably survive on tweed."
"What?"
"Enough!" Germany slammed his fist onto the table and shouted, "You all are a bunch of idiots! Let us get on with this meeting."
"Grrr… I'll get you later France." England spat.
"I don't mind. Big brother likes to hustle with puny men."
"What? F*ck you!"
"In the broom closet? I don't mind. L'honhonhon…"
"England and France." Germany glared at them.
The two hushed and let America announce his plan.
"Well, sorry for the delay folks. Anyways, I have no plans today!"
"What?" the room erupted into murmurs.
"Hush everyone! I have a different idea! My boss told me to 'Put myself in others' shoes', so I need everyone to take off one shoe now and kick it under the table."
Everyone did as they were told, feeling a bit suspicious.
"Now kick like you're swimming!"
Everybody kicked wildly, all eying America apprehensively.
"Stop!"
Everyone paused.
"Now stick one foot and pull the shoe nearest to you."
"Take it out and put it on the table."
America demonstrated and put the shoe he had nabbed onto the table.
"Okay. Who's shoe is this?" America pointed to the black and white converse in front of him.
"Hey! That's my custom made Prussia converse shoes!" Prussia exclaimed, "Give it back!"
"Okay, now that I have his shoe, I'll think of plans to help his country. Also, for this meeting, I'll be addressed as 'Prussia'."
"Oh no West! We're screwed! If only Old Fritz was here to save us!" Prussia banged his head onto the table.
"Now give me your nameplate."
Prussia unwillingly handed his nameplate to America.
"Okay. Now do it. Take out your shoe and find the owner."
England reached below and pulled out the shoe. He placed the Blücher on the table.
"Who's shoe is this?"
"That's mine." Germany answered.
The two exchanged nameplates, Germany giving England warning glances to take good care of his shoe.
"Now it's my turn!" France announced and pulled out a pink stiletto heel, "Oh! Who's is this?"
"Mine." Taiwan raised her hand.
"Oh! What a beaut!" France gleamed, "Bonjour, I am France."
"Oh erm…" Taiwan started blushing, much to Hong Kong's disgust.
"Xiaomei! What are you doing?"
"Oh! I'm sorry Xiang!"
Next was Canada. He pulled out a moccasin and everybody looked a bit puzzled.
"Erm…"
"It's NZ's." Australia answered.
"Huh? Then why didn't he answer?"
"Exhibit A." Australia pointed to New Zealand who was next to him, sitting in a wheelchair. He had his right hand and left leg in a cast.
"Oh."
The countries went on and on, few becoming a bit shocked at their fellow countries' choice of footwear.
"Okay! Now we put on the shoe."
"Mon dieu! I cannot put on the high heel!"
"Just do it Frog!"
"Hmph!"
"Okay! Let's get down to business! We'll start with NZ's earthquake. Any ideas NZ?"
"Erm..." Canada mumbled, "I think we should step up post measures. We need more medical supplies and maybe the scientists should monitor the area more closely. If it's really bad, we should relocated and evacuate."
"Okay, noted."
New Zealand nodded from the side, feeling very satisfied with Canada's suggestion.
"Next, we go to Taiwan's DEHP scandal."
"Yes meiguo?" France tried to imitate the Asians, earning a bunch of cringes from them.
"Okay, what's your suggestion?"
"I say we get the pretty ladies out and go karaoke!"
The whole room groaned.
"Erm… you…you…bloody….wanker…" Latvia stammered.
"Ah. England. You are so vile." Norway said in his deadpan voice.
"Xiaomei!" Russia smiled creepily, "Be serious and do not disrespect the family da…I mean… aru."
France flinched at Russia's creepy smile and got beck into character.
"Yes laoshi. I think we should quickly find the man who came up with the DEHP and jail him. Also, we need to recall all the products containing DEHP. Alert the other countries' authorities and ell them to alert the people. Also, we need to do stringent checks on the night market stalls. Some of them have not adhered to our guidelines."
"Good Taiwan! Now to Germany's E Coli problem."
"Very well. I propose that all types of bean sprouts and cabbages get destroyed. For now, we try our best to keep away from salads and only consume thoroughly cooked vegetables. Also, I suggest we aid the affected farmers as their only form of livelihood has been affected. Also, be very careful of organic produce." England explained his very well thought plan.
"Hey how about beer? They make use of fermentation so bacteria can grow right?" America suddenly said extravagantly, "How about a ban on beer?"
At that moment, Germany and Prussia started fidgeting in their seats, both very afraid of their one source of enjoyment being taken away.
"Hmm not bad Prussia."
"So… we're banning beer!"
"Hey! Hold the f*ck up!" Prussia slammed his fist onto the table, "You can't take away my beer!"
"Control yourself Spain!" America hollered.
"Hey hey! I'm Spain no more. I'm Prussia now and I say, we don't ban beer!"
Germany stood up, "I agree. Banning beer is too much. How would you like it if we banned hamburgers?"
America flinched and stammered, "You….you…wouldn't dare!"
"Italy is taking your place. I can persuade him."
"Shut up Sweden! You don't talk so eloquently!"
"Wh't?" Sweden muttered gruffly.
"Calm down Su-san." Finland gave Sweden a pat on the back, "He doesn't mean it."
"Okay fine!" England stood up, "We won't ban beer."
"Yesss! Kesesese~ Give me a high five West!" Prussia held his open palm in front of Germany's face.
"Put your hand down East." Germany gently pushed Prussia's hand down but had a small victory smile across his face.
"Okay, now with that settled, let's move on to Iceland's money problem. Iceland, any ideas?"
"Hell yeah!" Denmark announced, "I say we capture a Sve and hold him hostage! Then we can get loads of money!"
"D'nm'rk" Sweden grunted, "G' t' h'll."
"Sve! You're here! Didn't see you there!" Denmark remarked sarcastically, "Well we should capture you now."
"Y' w'll n'vr c'pt'r m'."
"Well then! We'll capture Finland!"
"F'k y' D'nm'rk." Sweden had a murderous glare on his face and a creepy aura surrounded him.
"Look at Sweden! He's just like me!" Russia clapped.
"Oh. Then I'll just get Sealand."
"St'p h'r'ss'ng m' f'm'ly!"
"Leave Sealand out of this!" England shouted.
"Oh I have 2 against me now?" Denmark announced, "Well, I have lots of back up! I have Prussia and No-Ack ack Norge! My tie!"
"Be serious idiot."
Iceland from the side just facepalmed, he had never felt so embarrassed of his family before.
"Okay, I'll be serious." Denmark adjusted his tie and sat straight, "I think we should focus on a different aspect. Since our banks have failed, we should focus on fishing. Our fish stocks are pretty and how about we increase our area of control by… another 200 nautical miles?"
"Not bad Ice." America jotted down notes.
"Oh and we have to have a consensus. Make sure everyone acknowledges this and doesn't infringe it." Denmark eyed England who glared back.
"Okay! Let's move on to the Chile's volcano problem. Chile, where are you?"
Spain raised his hand, "Erm… I'm in charge of the South Americans. They couldn't make it today because the flights were cancelled and Chile's suffering from a coughing fit."
"Okay then, Spain will address this."
"Finally!" Prussia said, "Well I suggest we march right down there and tell the volcano god to stop this shit."
"Urgh…." Everybody groaned.
"Oh oh! We can do a rain dance to wash away the lava!" Italy jumped up and started dancing.
"Yeah that's more like it! Dance Ita dance! Shake that thang!" Prussia also stood up and started dancing.
"East! Stop that this instance! Italy! I'm going to make you run laps if you don't stop!"
"Ve~ I'm sorry Germany!" Italy immediately stopped and whimpered, "I don't like running!"
"Come on West! Loosen up a little!" Prussia tugged on Germany's tie.
Germany started getting red and coughed awkwardly, "East! You are causing a scene."
"What's wrong? Don't you crave for my brotherly affection?"
Several nations in the room turned away to shun their precious eyes, with the exception of Hungary and Japan who were busy snapping away with their digital cameras.
"Hey everybody! Brotherly affection was totally invented in Korea! That's why hyung and I make the best couple ever!" announced and ran to China and enveloped him in a big hug.
"Zoukai!" China screamed and tried to push away.
"Never!" announced, "I will stay with you until you die from an incurable disease! Even if Hong Kong wants to steal you away from me, I will never leave you!"
"What the hell?" Hong Kong exclaimed, "This isn't a Korean drama!"
"Korean dramas show accurate portrayal of life!"
"No! Hong Kong dramas are the best!"
"Hey! You guys are talking about dramas? You should totally watch Taiwanese dramas!" Taiwan interjected.
The trio continued to bicker while the rest of the room was in chaos. Prussia continued to mock his brother while the Bad Touch Trio urged him to strip.
Switzerland was just sitting in his seat with his face in his palms. 'Control yourself, keep it together.' He chanted continuously in his head. Besides, his therapist told him he had to loosen up.
"Bruder." He felt a tug on his sleeve, only to realize it was Liechtenstein, "What's 'Incest'? France and Spain are chanting it now. Is it something good?"
That was the last straw.
"Liechtenstein, sit back."
Liechtenstein nodded and obediently sat down.
Switzerland pulled out his machine gun from below the table and started shooting everywhere.
"Shut the hell up everyone! I can't take it anymore! You all are a bunch of idiots!"
The whole conference room erupted into screams and everybody started to run around maniacally.
"Like omigod! Switzy's like totally lost it!" Poland ran around the table continuously, "Urgh I can't run in these ugly shoes!"
Which was the last thing he said before he fell down.
"Everyone! Get back to your seats and I'll stop shooting!"
Majority did as they were told, feeling very afraid, no, terrified by Switzerland.
Hell hath no fury like a Swiss with a gun.
"Okay…. Moving on…" America said awkwardly to clear the silence, "Let's go to Japan's tsunami problems."
"Ve~ Fratello, it's your turn." nudged the sleeping Italian besides him.
"Dammit, I thought everyone was quarrelling." woke up and realized every pair of eyes was focused on him, "Crap."
"Would you like to give us your ideas Japan?"
"Hell yeah! I'll give you the most kickass idea! First! Shut down the damn nuclear plant. Second! Clear the area! Don't want people getting infected by radiation."
"Where do we put the people?"
"I don't know! Let's the real Japan figure that out!"
"Okay, now lastly, America's credit crunch, leading to unemployment."
"Ve~ I think we should set up a huge pasta van that goes around handing out free pasta!"
"What about hamburgers?" America chirruped.
"No! I don't like hamburgers! I like pasta!"
The expression on America's face was a cross between mortified and pissed off. The other nations were all anxious to see what was going to happen and stared at the two.
"You. Don't. Like. Hamburgers?"
"Yup! They're all greasy and weird tasting! A bit better than England's food!"
"Hey!"
"How dare you insult hamburgers!" America had climbed onto his chair and screamed at , "Like hell are you enough to be me! Even England is better than you!"
"Hey!"
"Ve~ I was just thinking for the people! Don't hit me!"
America climbed off his chair and marched to , grabbing him and pushed him against the wall.
"The people love hamburgers you little piece of crap."
"Oh no…" England muttered, "It's black America. He's been awaken."
"Black America?"
"Yes. When America was a child, he crashed into my basement while I was conducting a spell and ever since then, he's had a black side. It rarely comes on though. Not my fault." England jus shrugged.
"Germany! Save me!" began to wail very loudly and started flailing his arms.
"Hey you American! What are you trying to do? I'll get the mafia to whip your ass!" shouted.
"Try me." America turned to face , looking very deranged.
"F*ck! Save me Spain! Chigi!" ran to hide behind Spain's chair.
"Well, you've got no one to save you now you weakling."
"No no! Please! I've got cousins in Montana!"
"America. Put Italy down or I'm afraid I have to step in." Germany got up and walked towards them.
"Hehe you dare? I'll increase your debt!"
"Debt? What are you talking about?"
"You're WWII debt! You haven't paid me back!"
"I'm willing to risk debt to save Italy."
In the corner, Hungary swooned.
"No no! Save yourself Germany! I'll fix this myself!"
"I'm afraid I can't do that. It's my duty to protect you."
"No Germany! I am not worth extra debt! Think about your people!"
The girls were huddled in a corner and watching the scene unfold. Several squealed and Hungary caught the whole thing on tape.
"This is like a drama! Only better!" Belgium commented.
"Dramas like these were created in Korea!" yelled across the room.
"Like just shut up! I wanna watch this." Poland reprimanded .
"Italy, I'm willing to risk millions of years of debt to save you."
"Really Germany?"
"Yes Italy."
"But I've gotta solve this on my own! If you cut in… I'll… I'll never forgive you!"
"Uh."
"America. I propose a van that goes around giving both pasta and hamburgers."
"Hell no! Hamburgers only! Or I'll… I'll do something!"
"No no no! Okay! Only hamburgers!" started crying even more.
"Oh, okay!" America snapped back to his normal self, "Why am I pinning you against the wall Italy?"
"You…you…"
America glanced at the clock, "Oh goodie! It's 2PM! Gotta dash guys! It's lunchtime at Macs! England hope you took notes for my boss! Hasta la vista everyone!"
And with that, America dashed out of the room.
The rest of the nations just started at the door, all thinking the same thing.
What the hell?
/-
Later...
Prussia was strolling to the jet with Germany when he realized something.
"Hey, I feet feel a bit weird."
He looked down to examine his feet and to his horror, he was still wearing Spain's dress shoe.
"OH MY GOD! THAT BLASTED AMERICA STILL HAS MY CONVERSE!"
A/N: What… what is this? OTL
Is this crack? Or what?
Arretez (French): Stop!
Xiaomei (Chinese): Little Sister
Xiang (Chinese): Hong Kong is Xiang Gang in Chinese
Mon Dieu (French): My god!
Meiguo (Chinese): America
Laoshi (Chinese): Teacher
Zoukai (Chinese): Get lost!
Fratello (Italian): Brother