Pity Party
I have been in a bad mood all day. I suppose it is a culmination of the past couple of weeks in which certain conscious and subconscious doubts have been creeping into my mind. In spite of my knowledge of how very little he deserves it; I've been taking out my unspoken frustrations on the Doctor.
He is talking excitedly about something in terms that only he will understand. Although I know that he is trying to include me in his joy and I don't think he realizes that there is no way I could understand him.
After a few moments my irrational peevishness overflows.
"Don't you ever shut up?!" My tone is sharp, biting and he stops his genial ravings coming to a shocked halt across the console room from me.
There is confusion in his dark eyes. It reminds me of a child wondering why his hand had been slapped away from a shiny toy. There is genuine hurt and it cuts me, but in my selfishness I only turn away as if I had not seen.
"You think you're so brilliant! But you're not!" The words are pouring out in spite of me, stemming from somewhere deep inside that is completely unrelated to the current situation.
I stand trembling, my chest heaving with emotion. If only he would say something so that I could talk back to him and continue my rant.
But, against all reason, he is striding across the Tardis and I find myself wrapped in his arms.
It is my turn to be confused.
For a moment I stand stiff and resisting, but who can ever truly resist Him? I melt into him, my head on his chest and I feel hot tears trickling down my face and staining his suit.
He kisses the top of my head, his one hand rubbing my back soothingly, and his other tangled in my hair keeping my head resting against him. I can hear the steady beatings of his hearts and I slowly calm down.
When my tears stop, the Doctor pulls away. Taking my hand he leads me to the Tardis doors. He pushes them open and my eyes are captured by the sight of the horse head nebula floating just outside.
He pulls me to a seat, our legs dangling in space, the solid floor of the Tardis thrumming beneath us. His arm is around me and my head sinks to his shoulder.
I am ashamed of my childishness and the doubts squirm to the surface.
He doesn't push me to talk to him. He just sits in companionable silence. If he had said anything I probably would have just glossed over the true problem, apologized for my spitefulness and returned to life as normal. But he is so quiet. So utterly kind and I realize that He just might understand me more deeply then I can imagine. After all he is a 1000 plus year old Time Lord.
Words are pouring out again. I find myself telling him everything.
"Why do you let me travel with you? I mean I get that you get lonely and that you sometimes need someone to remind you to stop, but me?! I'm just a nobody. A stupid person from earth. For most of my life I have woken up, eaten food, gone to work, and gone to sleep only to do it all again the next day.
"And I was content! I never even thought of doing more with my life. I'm so thick!
"And you! You are amazing! You travel through time and space and save worlds. You know so many wonderful things. And you choose to suffer so much to help others. And here you are. Gorgeous, brilliant you taking an interest, being a friend to me! Why?!" I stop. He is looking at me with those impossible eyes again. I can see the brilliant colors of the nebula reflected in their depths.
His face is serious and attentive but there is a smile lurking in his eyes.
"Because you are you!" he bursts out as if that explains all the mysteries of the universe. As though it were obvious. "You are so brilliant!" He says turning my own descriptions against me. "You humans are born in the midst of so much struggle and hardship and yet you move on. You're stuffed into a mold of status-quo and the daily grind, but given the chance…"
His eyes are dancing with light and laughter and intensity. "You break free!" He throws his arms wide in a gesture of emancipation. "You write, and paint, and sing, and dance and do all sorts of marvelous stuff!
"You are each unique in your own wonderful way with your own immense potential just waiting to burst out like a supernova of brilliance lighting everything it touches! You humans!" His words include us all but his eyes are on me with more personal meaning.
"And I get to see you wonder and experience and live!" The Doctor is looking at me and I contemplate drowning in those eyes. He is talking about and to me alone. At least that is how it feels at this moment.
"I get to see you," he is voice is growing quieter but somehow more fraught with meaning. "All beautiful and brilliant and so, so human.
"And it. Is. My. Honor."
If it had been anyone else saying these things I probably wouldn't have half believed them. Even with Him saying them I find it hard to think that someone so wonderful could truly feel this way about someone as ordinary as me.
But that look. And those eyes! For now the fears and doubts are melting away with a heat equivalent to the sun and I don't think they will ever plague me quite so successfully again.
I sigh and lean against him, my eyes drifting closed as I begin to fall asleep. He is lifting me in those strong arms, carrying me to my bedroom.