Smile

by 1432

Sequel to Honestly Okay. Misty is struggling to deal with the turns her life has taken since the events that have previously occurred. She finds a familiar visitor giving her the comfort she needs along with a surprising revelation. AAMR,Misty POV songfic

Smile
Angst/Romance-PG13
Summary: Sequel to Honestly Okay. Misty is struggling to deal with the turns her life has taken since the events that have previously occurred. She finds a familiar visitor giving her the comfort she needs along with a surprising revelation. Misty POV, Songfic, AAMR. =)

Misty-18.Ash-17.

A/N: I know some people requested more of my recent one-shot 'Honestly Okay', so this is it.  It's probably not as well-written as the prequel but I tried ;)  Depending on the feedback I get, I am considering making a third part to this short little trilogy I have developed.  FYI, there's depression and suicide in this so reader discretion is advised.  Please, enjoy =)
--

Smile you'll steal away my soul
Smile I'll hide away and cry
My mind's made up
I will shudder to see your eyes
Smile no doubt I'll keep my pride
But it may be hard to find

I can't remember the last time I have smiled. Even before the events that had taken place just over three months ago, I do not recall my frown being turned upside down during that time. I have had nothing to laugh about, nothing to even plaster the slightest smirk or grin on my face. Because quite frankly, after you have attempted suicide, there is not much that can make you happy.

I stretched my arms high above me and fell back onto the sheets of the small uncomfortable bed in my room. I was currently sitting cross-legged on the mattress with a pile of stationary in front of me. I was catching up on my responses to my sisters' letters that they had sent to me. I had seen them a month after I was admitted but still had not gotten around to writing back to any of their letters. It wasn't as if I was particularly busy, however. I had simply just had a lot on my mind. Besides, there was not much to do in the place I was now residing in.

"No! No, you can't keep me here! I've gotta get out! I've gotta get out of this place, dammit!"

My musings ceased to a halt as a frantically screaming voice from the hallway came to my ears. I lifted my gaze from the papers in my lap to peer out through the adjacent door to my room.

I saw Becca, one of the more severe cases in the hospital being carried away by a bunch of orderlies through the white surroundings. She was kicking and clawing like a woman possessed and it was that fact that forced them to put her in a straight jacket. She looked certifiably insane, which she most definitely was. A bitter sigh escaped my lips as I thought back to the words of the conversation I had with my psychiatrist before I ended up in here.

"This is ridiculous; I swallow some aspirin so you want to send me to a nut-house?"

"This hospital is not a psychiatric facility; it is simply a place where teenagers go when they have to. They specialize in teen depression and suicide..."

I almost laughed as I recoiled from what he had informed me off. Not a hospital for psychos, my ass. This place was crawling with lunatics running around wildly all at the brink of their sanity. And as I observed and resided with them, I could not help but fear that I was if not had already become one of them too.

The sound o Becca's loud cries died out as she was carried into another room. When I looked through the doorway again my quizzical expression turned to one of annoyance as I found my overly perky roommate, Kelly, entering.

"Hey, Myst!" she greeted me chirpily.

"Hi," I replied in a much less enthusiastic voice.

"Becca's at it again," she informed me even though I had not asked. The one thing, other Kelly's cheerleader attitude, was her nosiness. She constantly gossiped about the other occupants and the moment I had arrived she had given me the dirt on every single patient without even letting me get a word in. "She sneaked out her window last night," she continued to explain. "They found her wandering somewhere downtown and brought her back here this morning."

"Good to know," I muttered under my breath, only half listening as I averted my attention back to the letter to Violet that I was finishing up.

"So, what's up?" she inquired and I simply shook my head and made a gesture that said 'nothing'. A brief moment of silence passed before she jumped onto the edge of my bed and peered over to try and skim the letter I was still not done with yet. "What ya' writing?" she asked, trying to read it once more.

I defensively held the paper to my chest so she could not see what was written on them. I did not know who this girl thought she was; whatever I wrote to my family certainly did not concern her. "None of your business," I snapped at her and she raised her eyebrows at me in response.

"Fine, you don't need to get all edgy about it," Kelly exclaimed in a slightly annoyed tone before moving from my bed and onto her own. An awkward, angry silence began to exist before she once again began to pry me for information. "So, who's the letter for?"

"My sister," I told her gruffly.

"You have sisters?" she questioned me, actually sounding more genuinely curious than nosy this time.

"Yeah, three of them, actually," I answered nonchalantly as I folded the letter and placed it in an envelope.

"You're lucky," Kelly informed me after a beat in a somewhat sad tone. "I don't have any sisters, or brothers for that fact. It gets lonely being an only child." For the first time, I held an inkling of sympathy for her and displayed it in an apologetic glance for an instant. "Do you miss your family?" she queried suddenly.

"I... I guess so," I admitted, somewhat confused by her wondering.

Kelly hung her head as a depressive visage covered her face. "I don't. And I wouldn't be surprised if my parents were relieved for having me out of their hair once and for all." She shook her head to herself longingly, getting lost in her own thoughts for several minutes. She broke the intense moment when her usual perky demeanor returned and she turned to me with yet another piece of information I had not asked for. "You know, if you act really happy around the nurses they sometimes wind up letting you leave sooner."

I nodded feebly, despite the fact I was becoming agitated yet again by her digging into my issues. "Thanks, but I think I got a handle on my own situation."

"I'm just saying," she shrugged. "You're always so sad and withdrawn from everyone else, if the doctors see that they're going to think you're not getting better and you'll be stuck in here fore an even longer time."

I forced myself to nod once more, my patience was wearing thin. "Again, I can deal with this, thank you."

"You know maybe if you actually smiled for once..."

That comment was what pushed me over the edge and all remains of my seemingly sympathetic attitude toward Kelly diminished. "Look, would you back off already?!" I cried angrily, arising from my sitting position as I did so. She was somewhat taken aback by my outburst but that did not stop me from yelling at her. "Save the lecture, Kelly, I do not need you to help me with any of my problems nor do I want you to."

"Well, excuse me for being nice." she shot back sarcastically, growing angry by my tone and words.

"I don't want you to be nice! I want you to leave me alone!"

"What the hell is the matter?! I just wanted to help you..."

"You wanna help me?" I queried incredulously. "Well, maybe you should help yourself first before you start offering your amazing wisdom to other people." I told her, my voice dripping with sarcasm.

"And if you're so sure how to you intend on me to do that, huh?" she questioned, folding her arms promptly across her chest.

"Oh, I don't know..." I shrugged my shoulders aimlessly pretending to be oblivious before speaking in a firm tone. "For starters, you could eat something."

It was then I knew I had crossed a line. Kelly's determined expression immediately turned to one of anguish and disbelief. It was a well known fact that she was in the clinic because of an eating disorder and was quite obvious once you took a look at her. She was only a year younger than me and weighed what a nine year old might have. An immense wave of guilt washed over me as I saw Kelly's eyes fill with tears and hand clamp over her mouth as she ran from the room.

A huge sigh escaped my mouth and I fell back onto my bed, not caring anymore if the prized letters dropped to the floor. I tiredly ran a hand through my ginger locks and closed my eyes for a brief moment. As may world darkened, a whirlwind of thoughts enveloped me as I was reminded of the unresolved issues I had left behind before I came here.

I had no idea what my feelings were on my apparent self-loathing and depression. The hospital's psychiatrist had asked me what my emotions were at the moment and I had not known what to tell her. This whole experience had basically taken all traces of my personality away from me, to the point where I was completely numb and oblivious to what was going on inside and outside of my head.

After my last visit and letters from my sisters I had learned that they were getting on pretty well without me. Naturally, after the shock of all that had happened it had taken them some time to get back to the normal pattern in their lives. Eventually, it was slowly accepted and everything began to fall back into place at home just like it had been when I wasn't there. They were battling again and I was happy to hear that I had not burdened anyone else with my own issues.

Brock and Tracey had each separately called me three weeks ago, wishing me a happy birthday. This was hardly the setting I imagined turning eighteen in. It was quite ironic, I had become an adult, free to do whatever I wanted and I became a grown up in an environment where I had been confined to against my will. I had been pleased to have each of them call me, it was definitely a surprise considering I had not spoken or seen them for months. The awkwardness had been evident in each of their tones but I knew I had to expect it. What did you say to someone who had recently tried to take their own life? After fifteen minutes of seemingly friendly conversation with both of them, I was wished a happy birthday once more before being cut off from any means of communication with the outside world.

My family and friends were all seemingly getting along well, from whom I heard of, at least. I was rather shocked as well as hurt and disappointed that Ash had not bothered to call me for my birthday. I had not been expecting a visit in person; he was a busy man, being a master and all. But still, I'm sure he had time to make one measly phone call to wish me good luck and all of that. It was the least I expected after that good-bye he had given me.

I still did not know what the kiss had been for and had racked my brain day and night trying to find a reasonable answer. It was a definite possibility that it was just a simple sign of his friendship and concern for me, nothing for me to be getting all worked up about. We had kissed several times in the past and every time we did I was aware that there was no romance behind it. This time it was different. I had felt something deeper in the tender gesture, something that went beyond friendship and genuine worry, something... more.

The way he had approached kissing me was quite a puzzler as well... He had shyly announced he wanted to give me a 'going away present.' He could have easily done it without any cheesy excuse or announcement. But yet again, this went beyond than a friendly peck on the lips and the fact that he did not offer any explanation on his reasoning behind it just confused me even more.

Sighing again and coming to an end of my musings I opened my eyes for a moment. I lazily propped myself to my elbows and allowed my blue orbs to gaze outside to securely locked window. The evening sun was setting in the early summer sky, casting a pink shadow amongst the city of Saffron. I averted my stare from it and lay back down on my uncomfortable bed once more. My eyes fluttered shut once more until I fell into a fitful sleep, still without a conclusion to my current dilemma.
--

There's nothing left
Handed down your legacy
But more regret
Painted on with empathy

An unknown force stirred me from my slumber that night. My evening nap had worn on into twilight and I had slept for hours on end, my sleep not even being disturbed by the nurses checking on us every twenty minutes.

I stretched my arms high above my head and stifled a yawn. I wearily rubbed my eyes and tried to adjust to the darkness surrounding me. My eyes lingered to the bed beside mine as I did so. Normally, Kelly would be occupying it, her butterfly mask over her eyes and ridiculous skin cream on her face, but this time it was empty. The sheets were in disarray so it was obvious to me that at some point she had been sleeping in it. I darted my vision around, searching for her and it was then I saw the sliver of light escaping the small bathroom doorway.

Untangling myself from my blankets, I made my way to my feet, trudging on my heavy legs over to the bathroom. I yawned once again before knocking on the door.

"Kelly? Are you in there?" I called out in a loud whisper, unsure if I would get a perky or upset reply from her in return. To my surprise, she did not respond at all. I sighed longingly to myself; this had to have been expected. I had really hit her hard before with what I said and I couldn't blame her for not wanting to speak to me. I knew I had to do something, however, there was no way I would let another issue remain unsolved in the broken remains of my life.

"Look, I'm sorry about what I said to you before," I began to apologize to her. "I was way out of line; I know you were just trying to help me." No answer. "Kelly?" I called out once more. Again, no answer. My genuine concern immediately began to turn to panic and confusion. "K-Kelly?" My voice stuttered and came out strangled this time. "Kelly, let me in now!" I demanded, struggling as hard as I could to keep my voice down. The last thing I needed was a bunch of orderlies barging into our room. I tried the handle to the door and to my surprise and irritation with myself it had been unlocked the entire time. I swiftly swung it open and stopped dead in my tracks at what I saw.

Kelly lay on the cold tile floor; eyes shut, and sprawled in a motionless heap. My first instinct was to freak out but miraculously my rational side started to reason with me. She could have easily just fallen asleep out of pure exhaustion or maybe the weeks without food had finally had an effect on her that she had fainted. I hoped it was the former rather than the latter. But it still made no sense of why she would be in the bathroom... if I should even call it that.

It was a cramped space in the back of our bedroom with no shower. There was a toilet and a sink without a mirror above it. They were very cautious and strict here at Saffron Hills, no razors were allowed and I had to shave my legs under supervision which did not bode well for me at all. There was no mirror in the bathroom in case a patient should use the broken glass to cut or inflict harm on themselves of others.

I pushed my pondering to the back of my head and immediately let my actions come into play. I kneeled down by Kelly's side and shook her gently in an attempt to wake her.

"Kelly," I muttered under my breath. "Kelly, wake up." The gentle shaking soon became fierce when she would not budge. "I'm serious, get up," I repeated in a more edgy tone. It was then I found the source of why my roommate was lying in an unconscious heap on the ground.

A shiny structure caught my eye and I looked to see a syringe obscured beneath her motionless body. I tentatively picked up the needle and my eyes widened when I read the label. It was a tranquilizer. In severe cases the nurses would inject a small amount into patients in an attempt to calm them down. Through the clear container I could see that the syringe had been filled to capacity and was now empty. Kelly had injected the entire thing into herself, an amount that would be proven fatal to a human being especially one with such a low body weight and absence of nutrients in their system.

"Oh God," I found myself murmuring. "Kelly," I said her name once again. "Come on, wake up." My voice rose with every word I spoke but I did not care who I woke up anymore. I frantically shook her for another few sentences before my logic forced my hand over to her neck. With trembling fingers, I struggled to locate a pulse signaling that there was still life running through her body. I didn't.

A strangled gasp escaped my throat and I immediately sprung to my feet and ran to the doorway, my heart pounding fiercely in my chest and my breathing rampant.

"Hey, somebody help!" I screamed at the top of my lungs so anyone within a ten meter radius of me would have to be wearing earplugs not to hear my cries. Instantly, Madeline, one of the nurses on duty came running into my room not bothering to ask me any questions. She was followed by several other orderlies who followed her and most of the patients who had awoken and were now tentatively looking on.

"Where did she get this?" Madeline demanded the minute she spotted the empty tranquilizer shot. I stood in the doorway of the bathroom, watching helplessly and trembling in fear.

"I-I have no idea, I just found her like that," I honestly answered, self consciously running a hand through my locks.

She sighed heavily and looked back down at the unconscious girl. After demanding to a nurse to call an ambulance she began doing CPR on Kelly and pounding her chest in an attempt to resuscitate her. I held my breath as I observed her working her magic and my eyes widened in terror the minute she stopped her actions, shaking her head.

"W-What?" I stammered. "What, she's gonna be okay right?" I inquired, my voice now cracking. Madeline looked up at me with a deeply saddened gaze. I only had to take one look at her face to know the dreaded answer to my question.

"No," she replied quietly. "She's not."
--

Smile don't complicate my time
Smile don't ask me if I'm fine
My world blown down
There is nothing that words can say
Smile no doubt I'll keep my pride
But it may be hard to find

I watched silently from my doorway as the paramedics lifted Kelly's dead form onto the stretcher and pulled the sheet over her head. With grave expressions they wheeled her away as Madeline and the rest of the staff thanked them for their assistance and distressingly bid them farewell. The orderlies and nurses commanded that the patients get back in their rooms. This time, not one of them protested.

Slowly and carefully I closed the door to my room behind me. I folded my trembling arms across my chest and let my gaze fall onto the empty bed, its sheets in the same tangled mess as they had been when Kelly had been sleeping in them. My eyes watered and one by one tears began to ravage my pale cheeks. I had done this. This was my fault. It had been me who drove her over the edge with my nasty sarcasm and bitter remarks. All she had wanted was to be my friend and for weeks on end I pushed her away, making it plainly obvious I wanted nothing to do with her. If it hadn't been for me she would still be alive.

I squeezed my eyelids shut in a feeble attempt to stop the oncoming tears but with no avail. I could only imagine the grief and heartache her poor parents would experience when they discovered that their daughter, their only child, their baby, was dead. Kelly had said they wanted nothing to do with her but as much as it seemingly was, we both knew deep down it was not the case.

Parents loved their children; it was the natural order of the universe. Even after my father up and left without a word a part of me believed that he had loved me at one point in his life and I knew that my mother had loved me before she passed away.

Kelly's parents had sent her here in an attempt that their daughter could get help and would come back home to them. Little did they know that because of me, she was never coming home.

I managed to make my way to my own bed. I gingerly sat down, hugging my knees to my chest as my tears slid down and wet my clothing. Had this been two or three years ago, I would not be feeling as horribly and utterly guilty as I was at the moment. Had this been two or three years ago, I would not be in this hell hole because I had tried to do the same thing Kelly had succeeded in doing. I would be in a hotel room or in a sleeping bag in the middle of some forest.

Ash would have been there and held me as I cried. Kissing my head and wiping my tears away, whispering words of comfort into my ear and gently telling me that it was not my fault, that nothing was ever my fault. Through my sobs I would thank him for his comfort and miraculously feel a million times better.

I lay back onto my bed, keeping my knees tight against my chest. I slowly pulled the light blanket over my shaking body and curled into a ball under the covers. My tears immediately turned into racking sobs as I cried myself to sleep.
--

There's nothing left
Handed down your legacy
But more regret
Painted on with empathy

There's nothing left, there's nothing left

A slither of light found its way through my window to my eyes the next morning. The hot rays of the sun on my face stirred me from my slumber and I stretched my arms above my head in a yawn. As I sat up my mind was filled with my usual worries of the events taking place in my life but then in an instant the previous night came flooding back to me. I had to stifle the urge not to burst into tears once again as the memories returned.

I remained silently sitting in my bed for a few moments trying to do whatever I could to block out those thoughts. I was not successful in doing so, however, and I soon found a lone tear creeping its way down my porcelain cheek. I stubbornly wiped it away, sniffling, and willed myself to stand up. My legs felt heavy as I stood as did my neck and back. Talk about holding the weight of the world on your shoulders.

Sighing longingly to myself and loosening my muscles which were tense from sleeping I absentmindedly began brushing my crimson strands of hair. And thus began the beginning of the next day of my life, only I knew that this one was going to be harder to get through than any I ever experienced before.
--

Smile you'll steal away my soul
Smile I'll hide away and cry
There's nothing left
Handed down your legacy

The summer air whipped at my neck as I basked in the warmth of my surroundings. Several hours had passed since I had awoken and I was now currently sitting on the steps which were outside the back entrance of the hospital. After managing to get through breakfast and clean up I had requested some time to sit outside by myself. Normally it was against hospital policies to let any patient leave the indoor area of the building on an unscheduled time but this was an exception.

I placed my cigarette back into my mouth and inhaled another lungful of smoke and let the burning sensation slide down my throat. I thanked God that smoking was allowed on the grounds of where I was.  I don't know if I would have been able to deal with the withdrawal for months on end.

My mind drifted back to Kelly and I furiously squeezed my eyes shut to prevent any tears from forming. I just could not get the image of her lying there out of my head and I don't know if I ever would. No matter how hard I tried, the vision of another person taking their own life would be forever etched in my brain for all eternity.

It had all seemed to surreal. It was known that Kelly was an anorexic but she never did seem like the type who would commit suicide. That was my department. I always naturally assumed that her cheery and perky demeanor was her normal bubbly personality, not a facade to cover up the same self loathing that was eating her up inside. Although, maybe that's really how she was and this had been a sudden change in behavior. There was no way I could shake off that it had been me who had pushed her over the edge and resulted her into such a pitiful state.

I now know the emotions Lily must have felt when she found me barley conscious on our own bathroom floor, overdosed on aspirin with the empty bottle in my limp hand. Thinking back to it all, I have absolutely no idea why I tried to do it. When you think of death you think of the mysterious afterlife that awaits you, but when you actually see it right up in front of your face it makes even thinking about it seem ridiculous.

That still did not make me feel any better about what had happened. No matter how much I wanted it to not be true, I was partially responsible for Kelly's suicide and that was a weight I would have to carry for the rest of my life. And quite frankly, I did not know if I could deal with that on my own. I needed someone to lean on, to console me and tell me that everything was going to be all right. In conclusion, I needed Ash, but it was time to face reality, he was certainly not stopping buy any time soon.

"Misty?"

My musings ceased to a halt as Madeline's voice interrupted my thoughts. I turned around to see her standing in the doorway, a thin smile on her face.

"Yeah?" I queried with a raised eyebrow.

"You have a visitor," she informed me before briskly walking back inside. I quizzically watched her departing form, my brow furrowed in confusion of who was possibly visiting me. My sisters had told me in their letters that it would be another month or so before they came again. My next guess would have been Brock or Tracey who had probably decided to surprise me or something.

To my surprise and to some extent, happiness, I saw Grand Master Ash Ketchum standing at the top of the steps.

"A-Ash," I stammered upon noticing his presence. The shock in my tone did not go unnoticed by him and he chuckled at it heartily.

"Hey, Myst," he greeted with his trademark lopsided grin before walking down the stairs and aimlessly plopping down beside me.

"What, uh, what are you doing here?" I continued to stutter questioningly in my shocked tone.

"What, a guy can't visit his best friend without being berated?" he queried in a joking tone.

"Not when that guy is a famous celebrity and his friend is a suicidal lunatic," I replied bitterly, not taking notice in the playful manner he had been using.

"Aw, come on, Misty," Ash sighed longingly. He was obviously reeling from his defeat of trying to lighten the dark situation before us. "Don't get all depressed and heavy on me now, I was hoping there could be at least a semi-cheerful atmosphere to this reunion."

"What the hell is there to be cheerful about?" I shot back defensively. I was known as a very short-tempered person but I was usually never as edgy as this. But with everything that had been happening recently, I was in no mood for pleasantries. "I'm such in here with a bunch of other nut-jobs and last night my roommate killed herself. Sure, Ash, I'm just peachy," I finished, my voice dripping with sarcasm as I stuck my cigarette back in my mouth. I could tell he was taken aback by my bitter attitude and a wave of guilt washed over me.

"I'm sorry," he apologized feebly, staring at the ground. "I'm sorry, you're right, there is nothing cheerful about what is happening, I didn't mean to try and disregard the situation."

I sighed heavily, shaking my head. "It's fine, don't worry about it, I don't care," I answered emotionlessly before exhaling a large puff of smoke.

"Still smoking?" Ash inquired after a beat upon noticing my actions. I looked at him with an incredulous expression.

"What does it look like?" I asked sarcastically, waving my cigarette in front of his face. He heard my obvious annoyance and immediately backed down, not saying another word.

A brief moment of silence began to exist between the two of us. Ash seemed to afraid to make a further remark to me in fear that my bitchy attitude would snap back at him. I did not know why I was acting the way I was toward him, I had claimed to be missing his presence but my life had been so drastically turned upside down that I had no patience for anyone.. even the guy I was in love with. I had little control of my actions now and I needed to get the reason for his sudden visit off my chest before I started ranting and raving at him, much like I did during our younger years.

"All right, Ash, why are you really here?" I finally asked in an exasperated tone. "What's the deal? What news did you have to tell me? What was the reason behind this unexpected visit?" I bombarded him with questions and he seemed slightly taken aback.

"U-Um, nothing," he stammered. "Nothing, I really just wanted to see you, that's all," he answered honestly and I my expression softened at his words of truth. "And, you know, wish you a late happy birthday and give you your present and stuff.." Ash eventually trailed off, scratching the back of his head awkwardly.

I looked up at him with a raised eyebrow and could not contain myself from asking the next question; "And is this birthday gift anything like the 'going-away' one?" A blush instantly formed on his cheeks at my words and I bit my lip.

"I was hoping you wouldn't mention that," Ash admitted sheepishly.

"Well, it's not something I think either one of us can forget," I shrugged. "That was one hell of a kiss, you know."

He nodded to himself, raking his hands through his hair. "Yeah, I know," he breathed.

"Well, now that we both know, do you think you can explain it to me?"

Ash smirked playfully, a gesture which I was unable to return no matter how much I wanted to. "Well, would you like me to explain it to you?"

I eyed him seriously. "Ash, don't toy with me with me here. We both know how long this ridiculous banter could go on forever.. just give me an answer."

Our eyes finally met in a fixated locked gaze. It was then I first noticed the desperation and anxiety deep within the chocolate orbs, I could not put my finger on why those emotions were being portrayed and was slightly surprised when I heard his response.

"In all honesty, I don't know if I can, Myst," he whispered, offering a weak, humorless snicker. "Because this is the one thing I've never been able to give a truthful answer to."

My brow furrowed in confusion as he spoke. There was obviously some deep hidden meaning within his mysterious and tender words. He was speaking with way too much emotion to build up the answer to a simple question. "Ash, what are you talking about?" I asked quizzically with skeptical eyes.

An exasperated laugh escaped Ash's lips and I vaguely heard him mutter his next words with a slight grin; "Oh, what the hell, life's too short." And with that impish statement, he leaned inward and kissed me just as he had the last time.

My first initial reaction was shock and confusion to the open display of affection which I still did not understand. I put those thoughts behind me momentarily, just like I had done the last time and returned the kiss with more passion and force. I moved my hand up behind his neck and his fingertips glided across my cheek, I broke the kiss soon afterward, however. This was not an answer, this would just lead to my puzzlement and I needed to understand the reasoning behind his actions once and for all.

 "Umm," he began to stammer nervously after we broke apart.  "Okay, I probably shouldn't have done that," he muttered to himself, self-consciously running his hands through his hair and keeping his gaze fixated on the ground below him.

I tugged at Ash's shirt sleeve, urging him to look up at me, which he soon did so.  "That just depends on the reason why you did it," I told him seriously.

And then as if Ash were reading my mind he understood my longing for closure. He wrung his hands together nervously and then looked up toward me with a sheepish look on his innocent face, speaking the last words I expected to hear.

"I love you," he blurted out suddenly and my eyes widened with utter shock. "I-I always have, even after all this time we've been apart. It's killing me to see you like this, in so much pain and know that I was never there to prevent it from starting. But I promise you that no matter what your reaction is to this rather, er, long overdue confession of mine.. that I will help you."

All I could do was stare at him in disbelief as he looked at me with abashment and apprehension written all over his face.  This was simply too much to register within my already cluttered mind.  He had just admitted the same thing I had been longing for years on end and the same thing that's absence helped drove me to where I was.. in a few mere sentences.  I didn't even know where to begin.

"Uh, w-wow," I stuttered, still reeling from the shock.  "Wow, I, uh, I didn't.." I trailed off unable to find anymore words and then questioned him once more.  "A-are you serious?"  Ash opened his mouth to answer but I still continued, not even giving him a chance to respond.  "Because you really cannot screw around with me here, Ash," I told him seriously, my voice cracking for a moment.  "I am not just some girl that you can say you love and then expect them to be eating out of the palm of your hand.  Ash, I'm your best friend.. if you haven't forgotten and I can't understand why you would want to hurt me like this.  I have problems and I don't even think you want to know what I could possibly wind up doing to myself to find out this is all a lie."

Ash's expression softened upon seeing the tears brimming in my eyes and he grasped my hand tenderly, sending a wave of shivers through my body.  "Myst, I'm not, I swear on my father's grave that, I'm not," he spoke firmly and I gulped at the reference he was making to his deceased parent.  "I love you," he whispered gently.

"Why?" I questioned feebly.  "I mean for God's sake, Ash, look around."  I threw my hands up in exasperation, gesturing toward our surroundings.  "I'm sick, I'm insane, I'm in a mental institution for crying out loud."

"Misty, no you're not," he told me firmly.  "You are nothing like some of the people I saw inside of there.  You're just a little lost and confused right now and that's fine.  I'm going to be there no matter what but what I still need to know... is if you love me too?"  His voice held the same desperation that I had seen in his heartfelt gaze as he finished his sentence, dreading what my reply would be.

Yes, I wanted to scream out.  Yes, of course I love you.  But for some reason I couldn't just quite yet.  I had this same problem the last time; I was not able to find any words to recognize my feelings toward him.  And as much as I wanted to be with Ash forever I did not know if I was ready to dive into all of this.  It was so much to take in, and my fears of vulnerability and loneliness were on the rise.  I had no doubt that I loved Ash, however, but I did doubt if I would be able to provide him with what he needed before I got through all of this.  I needed to find myself first before anything could happen.

"I do," I murmured.  "I do love you.  God, I've loved you for as long as I can remember... but..."  I saw Ash's expression fall at my last word and I took a deep breath, reassuring myself for the reason behind my having to wait for the relationship to start.  "I can't.  I can't do this, I-I can't be with you... at least not right now.  I need to be committed to myself before I can be to another person.  Now, don't get me wrong, there is nobody that wants this to work more than me... but I'm just not ready, Ash," I stated bluntly.  "Not yet, at least.  I just need you to be my friend right now and be there for me like you said you would.  The real question, however, is... can you wait for that?"  The same desperation that had been evident in Ash's tone before now lingered in mine while I finished speaking my heart, confirming all my fears and information that he needed to know and hoping he would understand my reasoning behind them.

"I'll wait as long as I need to," he told me softly, moving away a strand of hair that I had overseen.  "Because in the end... I know it'll be worth it."

Our eyes locked with one another for an instant, lingering and the serenity of the moment.  That bliss was suddenly broken as a realization came to mind.

"What about your position?" I inquired hastily.

"I've asked the League to locate me in the station in this city for the time being, I'll only have to travel every now and then whenever there's a battle or tournament," he explained.

I stared at him again, trying my hardest to absorb the bombshell that had just been dropped onto me.  This was quite the ironic situation; Ash had loved me secretly the whole time I had loved him and now out of the blue he appeared and informed me of that very fact. 

I still could not process the reality of it.  It didn't seem real; it seemed like some fairy tale cliché, not something in real life.  Here I was, sitting in a mental hospital with more issues that could be counted and my best friend and soon to be official love was willing to sacrifice everything he had worked for just to get me throughout this rough patch in my life.  With his appearance and personality along with his position Ash could have easily gotten any girl he wanted, but in conclusion... all he wanted was me.  Even after everything I had done to myself, an action which had hurt him in the process, he was still willing.

"You'd really give that all up for me?" I queried incredulously.

"Yes.  I almost lost you once because of the fame and publicity that came along with my title, and I'm not going to let that tear us apart again."

"You know, um, I-I never thought that this could actually be true," I admitted.  "I've always wished that you felt the same way about me but I never actually considered it as a possibility.  It just never seemed believable."  Before I could further continue I was cut off by Ash who leaned in and brought his lips to mine in another heartfelt gesture I was lost in briefly.

"Well, believe it, Myst," he told me seriously as we broke apart.  Our eyes met again but the realization of our atmosphere and time schedules came back to me and once again the serenity was broken.

"I, uh, I have to go back, you're only allowed to stay for…"

"It's okay," Ash laughed slightly noticing my apprehension on trying to tell him that his visiting time was up.  "I know."  With that, he stood up; beginning to walk away and I began to watch his departing figure travel up the steps.

"Oh," he exclaimed, turning back to me.  "I almost forgot."  Ash reached into his pocket a pulled out a long, black, narrow box which he placed into my hands gingerly.  "It's your birthday present," he exclaimed and I quizzically glanced up at him.  Ash smirked upon seeing my confused gaze.  "What, did you think a kiss, confession of love and promise of devotion was all I got you?"  I shook my head at him playfully and watched his departing figure which moved up the stairs and through the hospital doors.

My eyes lingered to the object in my hands and a gasp escaped my lips when I opened the oblong box.  Inside was an exquisitely beautiful, white gold locket hanging off of a delicate chain.  I gingerly lifted the elaborate piece of jewelry, my mind reeling from the amount of money he must have spent on it.  I ran my fingers over the heart-shaped locket to find that it was bordered with diamonds around the edges and once again I could not believe Ash had done this for me.

I found the clasp on the side of the locket and fiddled with it for a moment before I discovered how to open it.  Inside on the left portion I saw a miniature picture of Ash and I taken several months after he had claimed his title.  We had been taking a break from training that day and while wondered amongst camp, Ash and I had come to the discovery that we were right near the river I had fished him out of all those years ago.

It was an adorable picture with the beautiful scene behind us.  Ash's arms were wrapped around me from behind and I had my head rested on his firm shoulder slightly.  We did look like a couple in that picture and anyone else who would have seen the photo would have naturally assumed so as well.  Wide smiles decorated both of our aces and it pained me to think of how much had changed since that time.

I then noticed that on the other side of the locket, there was a piece of paper that had been folded down to a small size and slipped into the other compartment.  I unfolded the piece, half expecting to find a long heartfelt letter from Ash to me.  To my surprise it was just a strip of parchment with one of my favorite quotes written on it.

Sometimes in order to see the light, we have to brave the darkness.

Those simple words had made my heart flutter and with them I found the slightest gleam of hope etching its way back to me and replacing the dark thoughts which had been invading my head for so long.  And as I gazed up at the sun shining brightly in the clear blue sky, I realized that a smile has now crept its way onto my face.

Smile, you'll steal away my soul
Smile, I'll hide away and cry
There's nothing left
Handed down your legacy
Smile, no doubt I'll keep my pride
But it may be hard to find

If only you had tried
Going to leave it far behind
It may be hard to find
If only you had tried
Going to leave it far behind

Fin.

A/N: Good or bad?  I'm still not sure if I like this fic very much.  I did steal some stuff from 'Girl Interrupted' and that scene with the roommate was from '28 Days'.  And I am aware of that the confession scene was kind of rushed and blunt and not some of my best work.  Oh, and I hope everyone understands my reasoning for not wanting Misty to rush into a relationship no matter how much she loves Ash.  I kind of figured that after her ordeal, having to deal with all of that quite yet could be overwhelming even if it's what she has always wanted.  FYI, the song is 'Smile' by Olive.   Please  R+R =)