Why Link Should Never Drink Coffee
A/N: Hello, peeps. Triforcelord back again with yet another story, this time an oneshot. I feel like I should live up to my name and start writing some Legend of Zelda fics, like I had originally planned, and that's how I came to write this. Please enjoy this little bit of randomness!
Why Link Should Never Drink Coffee
Link didn't know how much longer he could go on. Had he been on his quest, first to find the jewels or whatever the hell people call them these days, and then the Sages, only for it to come down to this? In his final battle against Ganondorf, Ganondorf had been pushing him so hard Link could barely stand. He just wanted to go into a deep sleep.
Ganondorf went to stand next to where Link was kneeling. He laughed and said, "Die, little hero!" And raised his sword up for the final blow.
Navi couldn't stand watching Link die, so she picked up a bottle that held some brown liquid and said, "HEY, Link, catch!" And she then threw the bottle.
Link turned just in time to have the bottle smash into his face, pouring the liquid right into his mouth and making his face a bloody mess. Link started to yell at Navi, then for some reason straightened up. He turned to Ganondorf and said, really fast, "Hey, tall guy, did the Goddesses piss fire on you or something, because your hair's red, and you smell like piss!" Link cracked up laughing while Ganondorf, with his face as red as his hair, started swinging his sword downwards to cut Link's head off. Link dodged, fast as lightning, and for reasons unknown to the Goddesses, and everybody in the vicinity, started doing the chicken dance while the music started playing from…somewhere.
Ganondorf was now backing up, starting to get a little freaked out, and Navi was thinking that maybe giving Link coffee wasn't her best idea.
Link saw the remains of the bottle and said, "Oooohhhh, look, shiny!" And he went over and picked up the jagged, broken, lethal- looking bottle and stroked it while saying, "I think I'll call him Jim!" Both Ganondorf and Navi were now very, very afraid. Ganondorf decided to just finish it quick, because this was getting creepy.
"Die, psycho!" Ganondorf yelled, and he lunged and in one clear slice… broke Link's shiny bottle.
"JIIIIIIMMMM!" Link yelled, heartbroken, and then Link looked at Ganondorf with hate and murder in his eyes, said, "You killed Jim! I will avenge him! DIE!" And with that, Link charged at Ganondorf at high speeds.
Meanwhile, Navi was seriously worrying for Link's mental health, and decided to say something. "Link, why don't you avenge all of the other people that Ganondorf killed, like your parents?"
"Pfffft, who cares about them. He-Killed-JIM!" Link said, yelling the last part as he put on a new burst of speed, getting very close to killing Ganondorf.
"Jim wasn't even alive!" Navi said, "He was just a broken bottle!" She was trying to appeal to Link's common sense.
But he had none left. "I don't care!" Link screamed. "Jim was alive to me! Alive and pure and NOT BROKEN!" And remember that all of this is for a broken bottle.
Suddenly Ganondorf had an idea. While Link was talking to Navi, distracted, Ganondorf pulled a new shiny bottle out of his bag and said, "Hey, Link." Link turned to Ganondorf. "I brought Jim back from the dead." He said, holding out the empty bottle.
"JIIIMMM!" Link said, overjoyed. He snatched the bottle from Ganondorf and stroked it, saying, "It's okay, it's okay, Link's here, you don't have to be scared. Let's go look for some flowers, okay." And with that, Link and Jim went off to find flowers.
Meanwhile, Ganondorf and Navi were beyond freaked out. "Hey, kid, what about me?" Ganondorf asked, starting to feel left out.
"Oh, that's right." Link said, "Jim, go get'em!" And with that, Link threw Jim.
Navi and Ganondorf looked at the bottle, fully expecting it to break and fully fearing what Link would do afterwards. But, before their amazed and mentally scarred eyes, Jim the Bottle grew little bottle arms, legs, fingers, and toes, and then grew a sharp, jagged broken bottle sword and charged at Ganondorf. Ganondorf screamed like a little girl and tried to turn and run, but Jim was too fast for him. Within seconds, Jim had cut up The King of Evil into little, sushi sized cubes and roared in victory. He then walked over to Link and helped him look for flowers. Navi had passed out long ago.
But right when Link and Jim had finally found flowers, Ganondorf's pieces all fused together and started growing and transforming. In seconds, there was a giant pig right where all of Ganondorf's pieces were a few seconds before. Jim the Bottle got into fighting position, but Link held him back. "No, Jim. I shall fight him." And then Link charged at Ganon with all of his coffee-increased speed saying, "I'm gonna chop you up and eat you for brinner! And yes, brinner is a word! It's breakfast and dinner combined, so how do you like them oranges, huh, pork chops?"
The pi- I mean, uh, the intimidating, scary monster Ganon was getting annoyed and decided to just finish it quick. Link and Ganon charged at each other, and Link said, "FEAR MY AWESOME NINJA POWA, BITCH!" And when they met, Link quickly turned Ganon into bacon, deep-fried, oohh, delicious, except for his tusks.
Link and Jim ate the bacon, while Navi flew off, faintly saying, "I… just need a break…yeah." A tusk flew off of the remains of the castle, bounced off, and clocked Link in the head. Link was a bit dizzy for a while, then when he came to he was completely coffee free, and wondering about some things. The first thing he was wondering was the bottle that seemed to have arms and legs and a mini sword. He smashed the bottle because it was freaking him out too much, and Jim the Bottle's last thoughts were ones of deep betrayal, anger, and sadness.
The second thing Link wondered about was where the hell was Ganondorf, who he was fighting last he remembered, and why was there so much bacon on the ground? Link started to think that maybe Ganondorf could transform into a giant pig, then discarded that idea. That was preposterous. Unless if the laws of nature could be bent, of course. And up in the heavens, the goddesses were growing very, very scared that Link might actually figure out their secret that they bend the laws of reality for their chosen ones.
And the third and final thing that Link wondered about was where the hell Navi was. She couldn't have run off, could she? Then Link remembered the brown drink. 'Oh. That might explain all of this.' Link thought, looking at the wreckage that he created while under the influence of coffee. 'Oh, well.' Link thought, 'At least it's not as bad as that time I went to that party with the Kokiri and drank an energy drink. Now they have to sleep in trees!' And with that in mind, Link set off to Hyrule Castle, completely forgetting about Princess Zelda, to get himself another coffee.
May the Goddesses help us all.
A/N: So how do you like that, huh? Please tell me what you thought about it, whether you liked it or not, thought it was funny or not, wanted to gauge your eyeballs out or not, that kind of stuff. Triforcelord, out!