This story is not meant to be taken seriously. It wasn't even supposed to be written. Marlene and I were talking the other night about these two having sex, and what would happen if this situation happened, and this entire story, is the spawn of that conversation, which ended with me saying I would not turn it into a fic, but yet, here it is. So I hope this makes you all laugh!
It wasn't the first time it had happened. On the contrary it had been the third, and just like the rules of baseball, three strikes and you're out.
Which was another reason she was so irritated that it had happened again. The first time, it had been a mistake - it was a mistake every time actually but House had to have SOME sort of self-control - and she had let it go. The second time, was more her fault than his, but the third was entirely his fault.
"I said inside me or not at all." She groaned in disgust as she grabbed one of the sheets and wiped at her face; She had been giving House a blow job when she pulled away for a moment, only to have him ejaculate - most of it hitting her square in the face.
"It's not like I can stop it from happening!" House protested, letting out an exasperated sigh. "Besides, it's kind of hot."
She rolled her eyes.
"I'm not cleaning that mess up." She responded before getting out of bed and heading toward the bathroom.
"Where are you going?" She heard him whine.
"To shower."
"I didn't even get to get you off! Let me at least repay the favor before you shower."
"No thank you, I can get myself off." She responded before shutting the door of the bathroom behind her.
He groaned as he swung his legs over the side of the bed, grabbing his clothes and slipping them back on before grabbing the sheets and pulling them off of the bed. He limped out of the room and toward the linen closet where he knew Cuddy kept all of her clean sheets, pulled one out of the neat pile and limped back into the room before putting them on the bed. He figured it would be better to mollify her instead of irritate her more than she already was.
It wasn't like he had intentionally meant for it to happen. He knew it wasn't one of her kinks and he respected that; he wasn't going to make her put up with anything she wasn't comfortable with doing. But to not even let him get her off because she was so irritated? That was a bit of an overreaction.
He sighed as he finished putting the sheets on the bed, just as Cuddy reappeared from the bathroom.
"I'm sorry." He said, awkwardly scratching the back of his head.
"Whatever, House."
"I'm gonna spend the rest of the night at my place…See you in the morning…?"
"I have to take Rachel to a pediatrician appointment, and then I have a board meeting at noon, Tuesday lunch with Wilson, and a meeting with a donor afterwards."
"Oh…Tomorrow night?"
"Dinner at my sister's."
"Oh…Okay…Guess I'll see you on Wednesday."
He limped towards her, hesitating before leaning in for a kiss goodbye.
To his relief she gave him a small peck on the lips.
"Spill." Wilson demanded the moment she joined him at their usual table in the cafeteria.
"There is nothing to spill." She replied before taking a bite of her salad.
"That's a lie. If there was nothing to spill, House wouldn't have wandered into my office like a lost puppy this morning – which by the way – he got here at eight, and did some of his clinic hours.
"Good for him."
"He wouldn't even tell me what happened when I asked, so you can't seriously tell me nothing happened."
She sighed, contemplating on whether or not to let him in about the entire ordeal. It wasn't like he didn't know about her sex life with House anyway.
"We were…doing things…and he came…and it wasn't in an appropriate area…"
She watched as Wilson furrowed his brow in confusion, obviously not grasping the concept of what she was trying to subtly say.
"He came and it hit me in the face ok." She blurted out, loud enough for only him to hear her.
Cuddy couldn't help but laugh as Wilson did a spit take.
"That's kind of disgusting." Wilson replied as she handed him several napkins.
"Not kind of, extremely…And it wasn't the first time…It was the third…I gave him a warning the first two times but you know, three strikes and you're out."
"So what did you do?"
"I told him off and then made him clean up his mess…Then he went home and I didn't stop him. He's spending the night tomorrow."
"Well, he had it coming…"
She reached across the table and punched him in the arm.
"No pun intended!" He added quickly, rubbing at his upper arm.
She let out a chuckle.
"It's sweet though that he didn't tell you."
"He doesn't want to screw things up." Wilson shrugged. "He knows how you like to keep most of your sex life private, and since you were already upset with him. He didn't want to add fuel to the fire."
"How uncharacteristic of him."
"Sometimes people do uncharacteristic things for the ones they love." He replied, just as his pager went off. "I gotta go, are we still dragging House to that karaoke bar on Saturday?"
"For now, yes. I'll let you know if otherwise."
"Bye Cuddy."
"Bye Wilson."
He smirked against her skin when he heard her moan. She was sitting on his lap, his hand was up her shirt, the pad of his thumb rubbing against her nipple as he ran his mouth along her neck.
"House." She said breathily and he moved his lips to kiss the top of her breasts.
"House, we can't."
"Why not?" He murmured against her skin.
"I have a board meeting tomorrow morning, I need to actually get some sleep tonight…"
"Most nights where you have board meetings the next day, you end up tossing and turning, so why not tire yourself out before bed?"
"House."
He groaned before pulling away.
"Don't groan, you get laid almost every night, it's no big deal."
"We haven't had actual sex since Sunday. It's Wednesday." He whined.
"If I'm not mistaken, I'm pretty sure I got you off on Monday night, and we both know how disastrously that ended."
"You're still upset about that? Come on Cuddy, it was a mistake, I'm sorry. I swear it won't happen again."
"That's what you said after the first two times!"
"I know, but I can't help it okay? It's not that big of a deal…"
"Of course it's a big deal. You know I don't like it, you know it's one of my turn offs. I tried to let it go the first two times, but three strikes and you're out House."
He sighed as she removed herself from his lap and headed toward the bedroom.
He followed after her as fast as he could, grabbing her wrist when she was within reach.
"I'm sorry I said it wasn't a big deal. You're right, it is. I'll my hardest – no pun intended – to not let it happen again, okay?"
He kissed her cheek in attempt to seal his apology.
"You're forgiven."
She hadn't been honest when she had forgiven him, but she had said it to end the argument before it had escalated. Knowing herself, if she hadn't accepted his apology, he would have most likely said she was overreacting, which would have caused her to get even more upset and the end result would be the two of them going to bed upset with each other.
But that didn't mean she couldn't get back at him in some way.
She waited until he had fallen asleep, making sure he was actually asleep, and not faking it like he at times did – she had discovered that one night after deciding to sneak the last piece of chocolate cake, only to have him come into the kitchen and click his tongue at her – and unraveled herself from his arms. She slipped into the kitchen and searched through the drawer where she kept any leftover condiment packets from when they ordered take out, and pulled out two packets of mayonnaise.
She tiptoed back into the bedroom, ripping open the packets and walking over to House's side of the bed before carefully rubbing it onto the right side of his face, literally biting her tongue in order to keep herself from bursting out into a fit of laughter. She would have covered his entire face in the substance, had it not been for the face that at times he pressed his left cheek against her hair in his sleep, and the last thing she wanted was to wake up covered in mayonnaise too.
She looked at House's face grabbed her cellphone before snapping a picture, making sure she had something to remember the moment.
Cuddy walked into the bathroom, disposing of the evidence and washing her hands as she laughed softly to herself before resuming her place in bed beside House.
He awoke to the sound of Cuddy getting ready for work. She was usually quiet in the mornings, so he had no clue why she had the bathroom door wide open as she blow dried her hair, her iPhone plugged into its dock and music playing loudly enough for him to hear.
It took him a second to realize that his pillow was wet and covered in a white substance. He reached up to his face and felt the same substance against his face, before he smelled it.
It was mayonnaise.
"What the hell?"
He heard the sound of Cuddy's laughter coming from the door of the bathroom. House looked in her direction, finding her with her arms crossed and a broad smile on her face, a towel wrapped around her.
"You little minx, I'm the prankster in this relationship."
"You're forgetting that time I set a trip wire in your office, and the time I hid your cane. I just like to space my pranks out…Or use them as revenge, and this was one of the cases where I needed to use it as revenge…Disgusting isn't it?" She asked, raising an eyebrow at him and placing her hands on her hips.
"Touché, Cuddles. I get your point. It won't ever happen again."
"It better not." She replied, smiling. "Why don't you come get yourself cleaned up?" She winked, before dropping the towel.
"Don't mind if I do."
And this time, he made sure that there wasn't a fourth time.
Reviews are appreciated!