Authors Note: What do you get when you have two girls and one boy who are hopped up on Pepsi and popcorn and have access to the internet?
"Comedy Roast of The Twilight Saga"
ft. My good friends Voxy and Cordial Craig
So sit back and relax (real IM conversation)
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Voxy: Bella Swan, This girl has the most awkwardish awkward faces I've ever seen. Its seriosuly like everytime you see her it's BAM awkward face. BAM awkward face BAM awkward face BAM Jizzz in my pants face.
Major Dover: You know, I never got past how many times she blinked in the movies. I actually counted because I have no life apparently. It was in the 90's. Like a commercial for "How many licks does it take to get to the center of the Toostie pop"to "How many blinks does it take for Bella to look like retarded ADD patient" I bet you she just blinks so much because it's a force of habit now, going out with Edward. You know, because he is so shiny and sparkle it probably hurts her eyes and she has to blink alot.
Voxy: True. Did Stephenie Meyer actually ever mention why Edward sparkeled like a bitch in the first place? I mean he's basically a human disco ball. The Cullens probably sell him out to local clubs where they tie him up to the ceiling and shine a light on him. Instant Sparkles!
Cordial Craig: It astounds me how many chicks dig Edward. He is a pale albino rhino. And he took the brakes out in her car, if I did that to my girlfriend 'she would bitch slap me. But Bella is like "Oh, Edward your controlling nature turns me on...lets f*ck".
Major Dover: If only it were that easy for Bella to seduce Edward. He is like "No, Bella, NOT UNTIL WE ARE MARRIED CAN I RAVISH YOUR PALE AWKWARD BODY, darling, please remove your hand from my gentitals" He is the 40 year old virgin times like 8. I bet you he actually had a chasity belt way back when, with a lock and key. "This key is only meant for my true love, it's a token of what will happen on my wedding night, No Emmett, I won't just hit it and quit it with Tanya,"
Cordial Craig: Emmett is the only sparklepire I really like. He's like a boss at everything. He plays video games and doesn't take Edwards emo bullsh*t. When Edward is playing a lovely melody on his piano, Emmett is blasting "Baby Got Back" from the other room.
Voxy: I bet you Emmett went through a phase where he thought Edward was gay. I could see him trying to talk to talk to Edward about it "Bro, it's ok if you like guys, lot's of famous people are gay, like Elton John and sh*t" Edward is abosultely digusted at this "I AM NOT GAY EMMETT, I JUSTHAVEN'T FOUND MY TRUE LOVE YET"
Cordial Craig: Emmett isn't convinced, he secertle places like Cosmopoltion around the house, seeing if Edward picks them up. "I just read them for the articles Emmett, do no think in that dirty mind of yours that I am taking fashion advice from Jessica Biel"
Voxy: Emmett probably had to have "The Talk" with Edward too. He probably showed him pictures of the male and female reproductive parts. "Ok Edward, this is called a cervex, this is used for pushing out little babies" Edward is not amused. "Oh my lord Emmett, do you not think I don't know what a womens secret place looks like? Because I do, I watch Sex and the City"
Major Dover: You can tell that Emmett and Edward fight the most, but I bet you when Edward gets too unbearable, Jasper f*cks with his emotions. Like when Edward is looking at a picture of Orlando Bloom on the internet or something, Jasper shoots waves of lust at him. Edward is probably having a war inside his head like "Oh my, why am so suddenly turned on by this picture of a shirtless Orland Bloom? Could Emmett be right? Am I gay? I must know now, Perhaps I shall talk to Carisle about this"
Voxy: He talks to Carisle and goes in depth about his feelings and such only to find out Jasper was screwing with his emotions. He is livid.
Cordial Craig: "Japser, I expected this level of immaturity from Emmett, but certianly not from you, you should be ashamed!" and Jasper just shrugs it off like "Eh" and walks away.
Major Dover: Edward proably has like the most insane collection of emo CD's, he arranges them by the number of times they have made him cry.
Cordial Craig: Snow Patrol, Owl City, Josh Groban, elton John, Secondhand Senerade, stuff like that
Voxy: He probably cries tearless sobs when listening to "Chasing Cars"...He is like "Oh, such emotion in this song. SUCH EMOTION, So beautiful, if only I had someone to share this song with"
Cordial Craig: Emmett is probably down stairs naked, playing Runescape "Shut that crap off Edward, seriously, I need to pwn these level 5 noobs"
Voxy: You know Rosalie proably lays there naked sometimes, just to see if it would get Emmetts attention.
Major Dover: He doesn't notice, he is too busy fighting with a feisty little level 1 f*cker to notice. He proably yells random things out loud too. Just in the middle of a comfortable silence you hear "Oh, that sh*t is weak, that sh*t is weak, that all you got little b*tchboy, go back to the noob fortess you asstit" Silence again.
Voxy: I wonder how Emmett and the family got through Edwards depression after they left Forks, i mean he was proably all moddy and sh*t,listening to Nickleback, sobbing into his hankercheif
Cordial Craig: They had to listen to him moan "Oh...Bella...oh my Bella...where are thou Bella...my heart is bare and black, my soul has shattered in two" all the way to wherever they were going.
Major Dover: Well Bellas blood smelled like Freesia, which smells like fruit loops, so he probably bought a box of fruit loops and sniffed it like a crackhead.
Voxy: Haha I see could him cuddling with it, he probably pasted Bellas face on it and talks to it "shhshshsh...It's ok my love, i'm here with you shhshshsshshshhhh..."
Major Dover: Emmett walks in on him sniffing the bag of fruit loops, he is like "The f*ck Edward, that's not how you solve your love problems man" and then he tosses Edward a playboy "whack away Edward, whack away"
Cordial Craig: You know Bella was probably worse during her depression, she probably bought like a sh*t ton of glitter pens and drew all over her pillow with them. Drawing a smiley face with fangs, she probably made out with it too.
Voxy: Oh, imagine what she wrote Alice during that time..she probably started off with "Oh Alice I'm so sad you guys left. i miss you all so much, without you it's like my second family left"
Cordial Craig: Yea after a wouple weeks of Alice not writing back Bella letters started to sound like "What the f*ck alice?, where the hell are you guys..seriously, I'm so damn serious, where the hell is Edweard, he isn't seeing another vampire is he? I swear to god if he is I will pull of his ice cold testicles and feed them to the rats!"
Voxy: I wonder if Bella just ever just sat in her refridgerator, pretending Edward was beside her.
Major Dover: Her dad would open the fridge and Bella would yell "OMG dad, let me be in coldness and blackness by myself, can you not see I'm in pain?" Her dad just stands there for a second all concenered like "Yea, ok can you hand me a budlight while your in there?"
Cordial Craig: Edward would write like love notes to Bella but never send them, one would say" My dearest Bella, I was so in pain, i broke Emmetts stereo, and it reminded me of my broken heart"
Major Dover: Emmetts finds the letters and reads them to the family, oh Edward get all pissed.
Cordial Craig: "You dirty little hamster, those are private Emmett, private!"
Voxy: "You cannot respect me Emmett, i must leave, since you cannot take my pain seriously"
Major Dover: Emmett is like 'Here bro, take my car, it's got like everything you need, rock Cds, porn, a number to a stripper named Candy"
Voxy: Edward stomps away like a bitch. "Goodbye, i hope you all have a good life"
Cordial Craig: and the Cullens throw a party after he leaves.
Voxy: You know as Edward drives away he sings "The Reason" by Hoobstank, it reminds him of Bella. through tearless grunting sobs you hear "I just want you to know, I found reason for me, to change who i use to be, a reason to start over new, AND THE REASON IS YOU!" People probably toss rotten tomatoes at him as he drives past belting out the lyrics.
Major Dover: and Bella is back in Forks, with her glitter pens, drawing all over herself, singing some Faith Hill sh*t
Cordial Craig: I never got why she just didn't bang that wolf boy, it woulda helped her depression
Major Dover: Haha. Whenever I see Jacob he is all like "Check out my bazillion ab muscles"
Voxy: The pack uses Jacobs abs as a cheese grater.
Cordial Craig: Did either of you two notice at the end of New Moon when Edward is going to committ suicide, his left nipple is bigger than his right?
Major Dover: Do you think Edward was ever into the disco era? With the hippie headbands and bright green pants that rode up so high it made steve erkle jealous.
Voxy: Edward was probably the Disco King, he tries to get the whole family to do a disco night
Cordial Craig: I can see Emmett getting pissy about that, "No, I'm not putting on those damn pants Edward, you may be gay, but I'm not"
Voxy: You know Emmett and Jasper have loud sex to make Edward all pissy. Emmett would make comments like " I managed to lose everything but my socks, which stayed on all 6 times me and Rose had sex"
Major Dover: Emmett proably plays like KAty Perrys "Peacock" while him and Rosalie get it on. "what? It's got a good beat"
Voxy: You know random thought, Emmett probably gets Bella drunk because he thinks its funny.
Major Dover: Oh my gosh, that is so true, she would be smashed, staggering into their kitchen yelling "OMG you have so many spoons!" and collaspe on the floor
Cordial Craig: Edward is not amused by this.
Voxy; Oh yea, he gives Emmett the speech "Emmett, must you laugh at Bellas public drunkness, she is human, not your personal doll to get drunk and laugh at" all while Bella is trying to get off the floor in her drunken haze.
Major Dover: Emmett probably felt bad so he sent Edward a diet pepsi and cigarettes, its the gay mans version of milk and bread.
Voxy: Edward is like "I'm a vampire Emmett, I cannot eat nor drink these things you lay before me" Emmett just stands there expecting Edward to drink the Pepsi.
Cordial Craig: Bella doesn't remember anything from her drunken night, Emmett just told her that she kept petting Edward ears and saying he wasn't one of the guys
Voxy: Does it bother any of you that Edward climbs in Bellas window and watches her sleep?
Cordial Craig: Nah my Uncle Billy use to do that. He got arrested for sexual molesting that next week.
Major Dover: Edward is Herbert the Pervert
Voxy: Chester the Molester
Cordial Craig: And of course, Kyle the Pedophile
Voxy: This reminds me of that Comedy Centrel Roast of bob saget, except for we are bashing Twilight.
Major Dover: Twilight is the epic version of Bob Saget
Cordial Craig: Purlease, Bob Saget was on Full House, If Twilight was that, Jacob woulda fallen in love with poor little Michelle Tanner
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We have more conversations! I know you are excited. Look for the next segement soon
dont forget to check out my recaps of Twilight and New Moon
cia~