Xani sat on his sleep-couch, pondering desperately about what he would get Obi for Christmas, which was in only two days. Xanitos, always keeping everything to the last minute had only really begun thinking about this earlier that day. He remembered last year how Obi-wan had reacted to his gift, with a swift and painful slap across the face. He rubbed the spot on his cheek where Obi had left an inch wide, red bruise that lasted for two weeks. He decided that calling the corascantian Christmas hotline was his best bet, "Maybe, they will have some idea of what to get a 30 year old padawan cuze I sure don't." With that thought, Xani dialed the 1-800 number designated as the corascantian Christmas hotline.
"Hello, could you possibly help me?"
A robotic-sounding woman answered. "Yes, I am 2-h7, operator droid, what might your problem be?"
"Well, you see, Xani started. I'm looking for a present for my boyfriend and-" Xanitos was cut off by 2-h7,
"Did you say boyfriend?" The droid replied, obviously quite shocked.
"Yes, I did. Is that a problem?"
"Well-"
"Well what?! You droids are all the same! Always judging people before knowing the real story. You're all homophobic ass-holes! Do you hear me?!," Xani screamed, then abruptly hung-up on the droid. "Ass," he mumbled under his breath.
Obi walked into the temple gardens wondering what stupid-ass gift Xani would give him this year. He remembered what last year had brought him; a new lightsaber. The only problem was that it wasn't blue or even a nice green colour, it was bright yellow; Obi's least favourite colour. And the year before, he shuddered to think about it now, Xani had given him a stuffed bantha. "Now what in the bloody force did Xanitos expect him to do with a stuffed bantha?!," He thought. What he did with everything else he had received that year he supposed. Put it in his closet where he would never have to look at it again.
Just then Qui-Gon walked around the corner, bringing Obi out of his day dreaming state. "Obi-wan, he said, what are you doing out here all alone?"
"What else?" Obi replied.
"Ahh, reviewing the gifts Xani gave you last year and such?"
"Yes."
"Well, perhaps you should tell him what it is you want", mused Qui-Gon. "What exactly is it that you want anyway?"
Obi-wan thought about it for a minute, then replied with a grin, "Well, I would really, really like to have one of those palm pilots."
"A palm pilot, Qui-Gon said simply. Why would you need one of those, Obi-Wan?
"To store my porn in", Obi muttered under his breath, then giggled to himself.
"What?"
"Nothing, mumbled Obi. You know me, I need to be organized."
"Ahh, yes, organized", responded QG warily.
=====================================================
Xanitos got up from the sleep-couch where he'd been sitting for nearly an hour, "What to get Obi..", he muttered. "What to get Obi.." He paced and started to bite at his already short nails. "Fuck it! Xani blurted almost out of nowhere, What am I supposed to get that jedi?! Never any sort of idea he gives me, just :
"Oh, you know what I like, Xani." It was obvious that infact Xanitos had no clue what-so-ever in the way of gift giving to Obi or anyone for that matter.
Then he thought of something, "Maybe I can make Obi a scrapbook filled with naked pictures of myself, but who could I find to take those pictures?" Xanitos then thought again about last year and cringed, "I certainly don't want anymore bruises." "Damn it! Damn it, Damn It!!! Xani screamed with rage. "Why can't I ever get Obi a decent gift? It always ends up the same way, he hates it and throws it into his closet. I know he doesn't think I know that, but I have my ways, after all I am an evil overlord, he grinned." With that he lay back down on his sleep couch and switched on his favorite show; Queer as Imps. Obi, then entered the room. "Where you been?" Xani asked sweetly.
"Around", he shrugged. "What ya watchin?"
"Umm, QAI, he smiled. Come n' sit over here", he beckoned to Obi-Wan
"Sure, why not."
Obi jumped up on the sleep-couch and leaned against Xan's shoulder, I'm getting pretty tired, he yawned. Why don't you turn off that show and come in to bed?"
Xani, being the occational idiot that he was didn't seem to get the message and replied, "In a minute, I wanna see what Tierce does when he finds out that Jack is cheating on him with Shaun.
Obi sighed, "Fine then", I'll be in the bedroom if you need me. He waited for a reply, "Xan, did you hear what I said?"
"Yea, yea. Sure, sure." Xani muttered.
Obi-Wan decided it best to give up, (Xanitos being the stubborn evil overlord that he was) so he unbuttoned his tunic; took off his belt and pants; reveiling his glowing lightsaber boxers; pulled back the covers and at a last attempt to get some attention, he knocked over the lamp beside the bed. Xan didn't even flinch, he just sat there, watching intently upon his tv show. Obi scoffed and slipped into bed, feeling unwanted by his apparent boyfriend who couldn't even give him a proper gift.
He laughed to himself, "Some boyfriend he is."
The last thing he heard before falling to sleep were the sounds of, " That's it, Tierce! Punch the little fuck out! He doesn't deserve you!"
=====================================================
Obi Yawned, and turned over; not seeing Xani next to him he turned back over again, mumbled something about knives and went back to sleep.
=====================================================
"Hmm.. maybe Obi would like something like this", Xani said to himself as he carefully examined the chunky looking silver ring with some sort of yellow colored gem in it behind a thick layer of glass. Luckily for him, Qui-Gon was passing by for some unknown reason and saw Xani with his nose pressed up against the glass in the Corellian Exports store.
"Hey, Xanitos what are you doing in here?"
"I was about to ask you that same question", Xan responded warily.
"Just passing by."
"Ahh."
"You shopping for Obi, perchance?" Asked Qui-Gon, being the nosey jedi master that he was."Need any ideas?"
"And what ideas could you possibly give me?" Xani said insultingly.
"Well if you don't want my help.."
" Ah, come on Qui-Gon, don't be like that, I was just kidding," Xani begged in an evil overlord sort of way.
"Yesterday, he told me that he really, really wanted a palm pilot", QG explained.
"A palm pilot", repeated Xanitos. "Now what would he do with th-" He giggled as he realized what Obi had in mind.
Qui-Gon raised an eyebrow at Xani,"What's so funny?" Qui-Gon asked.
"Nothing you would understand", Qui-Gon. Xanitos muffled his laughter and started to walk out of the store.
"Hey, wait Xanitos!" Qui-Gon yelled. "Don't you have anything to tell me?"
"Umm..Oh, yea thanks Old guy, Xani said offhandedly as he patted Qui-Gon on the shoulder. "Would you like a doggy treat too?" Xani smirked. Xani didn't like QG too much, after all he may have killed he father.
Qui-Gon blinked, but said nothing and walked away.
"Ass", mumbled Xani to himself. "Now, where to look for a palm pilot?" As he said this, Xani was looking right at the galaxy's biggest techie store, 'Galactech', it was suittably named. After about five minutes of turning around in circles he finally noticed this and walked in. "Excuse me (Just because he's an evil overlord doesn't mean he couldn't be polite at times) would you happen to know where I might find the 'palm pilots'?"
"Umm..In asle five sir", the geeky looking human boy replied as he adjusted his overly large glasses.
"Thanks", Xani said simply, then went off searching for asle five.
=====================================================
Obi blinked, "3:00! how long have I been asleep?!"
"5 hours, 2 minutes and 10 nano seconds, approximately," replied Obi's ever so annoying droid; MC-17.
"I thought I told Xani to turn you off."
"Apparently not, sir", MC-17 said in an unmistakeably sarcastic tone.
Obi reached over and promptely turned it off," Can't expect Xani to do anything right anyway", he sighed.
He decided that some coffee and TV might make him feel a bit better, so he switched on, 'The Super-Fantastic Adventures of Mynock Man' and went to get the coffee that he had made day before, or atleast that's what he thought. "Mmm..two day old coffee, just the way I like it, he said sarcastically, then shuffled to the TV room and ploped down on the sleep-couch. Just as minock man started to fight Safwan the hutt, who kidnapped Mynock Man's 5th cousin once removed; Earl, Xani entered the room. Obi pretended not to notice and continued watching his show as Xani quickly slipped into the next room with Obi's christmas present.
"I hope that old fart knew what he was talking about", Xani thought. "I really want Obi to like my present this year.." "I bet that closet of his is overflowing with shite-gifts." Xani then began the arduous task of wrapping obi's gift; a brand new- not yellow, but silver palm pilot. "Damnit! I cut myself with- Xani furrowed his brow- Safety scissors!
Obi giggled,"Heh heh..Safwan The Hutt. What kind of a name is that for a hutt?" He had obviously not heard the crys of pain coming from the next room and if he had, he probably wouldn't have done anything about it.
"Yarg! I hate Christmas!" Xani pulled at his flowing black hair, "Damnit!" This is how the evening went on until the gift just looked like it had been wrapped by a one-armed wookiee, (Chewie could of done a much better job nonetheless.) Xani looked at the gift with pride, "Done and done," he exclaimed and brushed his hands together. He then put the gift under the tree.
=====================================================
Xanitos had been tossing and turning all night wondering about the gift he had bought for Obi, so at 7:00 sharp he finally couldn't take it any longer and shook Obi awake, yelling, "Obi, Obi..It's Christmas, wake up!"
Obi rubbed his eyes, awaiting his present from Xani. It was obvious he wasn't too happy about being awakened so early. Xani went over to the tree and brought the present back to Obi-Wan, "Here, open it, Xani smiled sweetly."
"I wonder what you got me this year?" Obi said sarcastically. The yellow paper it was wrapped in sure didn't look like a good sign, that and besides the fact that it looked like Xani had gotten a one-armed wookiee to wrap it.
"Cut the sarcasm and just open the damn gift Kenobi." He was becoming a little impatient with his boyfriend. Obi never seems to appreciate my gifts, thought Xani, but maybe this year will be different.
Obi rips open the snot yellow paper and gasps, "It's a-a- "It's palm pilot", Xani finished for him. "D'ya like it?"
"Like it, I love it!" Obi ran over to Xan and hugged him. "This is the best present ever! How'd you know to get me it?"
"Well, let's just say I have my ways", Xani grinned.
"You really had me fooled with the ugly yellow paper and the bad wrapping job, but you really came through this year, Xani." Obi smiled and opened the box it was in. He then turned it on by pressing a large red button. Nekkid Xani pics filled the screen. "So that's what he had been doing all night. I wondered what all that clicking and flashing was."He smiled, wider this time. How sweet, Xani porn to add to my collection."
"I knew you'd love it-well I hoped you'd love it."
Just before Xani was about to lean in for a kiss, the door busted down, they both turned around and saw Yoda who was just about to knock. " Need to fix that, you do." He said plainly.
"What in kessel?" Obi raised an eyebrow and turned to face Xani, "You forgot to get the door fixed again didn't you Xani?
Xani pouted, "yes."
Obi shook his head and looked at Yoda who was eyeing them oddly. Obi welcomed him in, "Yoda what brings you here so early?"
"A present for you have I", replied Yoda. He passed the gift, which was obviously a giant Vader head to Obi-Wan.
" Thanks.." Obi looked over casually at Xani who wasn't paying any attention because he was playing with the solid gold Boba Fett action figure Obi had given him. He unwrapped it nonetheless it was infact, a giant Vader head. "What does it do? Obi questioned.
" A good paper weight it is," Yoda smiled. " Or a door-stopper it could be."
" Well, thank-you very much.." Obi said with apparent caution. Obi opened the lid, wondering what could be inside or if there was anything inside and 5 bright yellow, springy snakes popped out and hit him in the eye. "Is this some kind of joke? He screamed at Yoda as he rubbed his eye.
" A joke it is not, Obi-Wan. Bought it from a very reliable Jawa, did I."
Obi nodded angered by the throbbing pain in his left eye. Here's an idea; why don't you go visit Qui-Gon? I'm sure he's lonely and needs some company. Obi picked up Yoda and shoved him out the door. " Bye," He waved.
Yoda, sitting on his ass, stared at Obi as he slammed the door in his face and several locks clicked in place.
Obi-wan then walked over to his shite-gift closet and threw in the giant Vader head. " How thoughtful, he muttered loud enough for Xani to hear.
Xani chuckled, but said nothing and continued to play with his solid gold Boba Fett action figure.
Suddenly, Obi got an idea. "Hey, Xani", he called in a sly voice.
"Wha?" Xani responded.
Obi spoke very slowly as to not confuse the boy, " Wanna get lucky?"
Xani looked puzzled, " What do you mean, I am lucky. I always win when we play sabacc."
Obi bit his bottom lip, and tried again. " DO YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX?"
" Oh..Oh! Xani realised what Obi was suggesting. Yes, please."
"Hello, could you possibly help me?"
A robotic-sounding woman answered. "Yes, I am 2-h7, operator droid, what might your problem be?"
"Well, you see, Xani started. I'm looking for a present for my boyfriend and-" Xanitos was cut off by 2-h7,
"Did you say boyfriend?" The droid replied, obviously quite shocked.
"Yes, I did. Is that a problem?"
"Well-"
"Well what?! You droids are all the same! Always judging people before knowing the real story. You're all homophobic ass-holes! Do you hear me?!," Xani screamed, then abruptly hung-up on the droid. "Ass," he mumbled under his breath.
Obi walked into the temple gardens wondering what stupid-ass gift Xani would give him this year. He remembered what last year had brought him; a new lightsaber. The only problem was that it wasn't blue or even a nice green colour, it was bright yellow; Obi's least favourite colour. And the year before, he shuddered to think about it now, Xani had given him a stuffed bantha. "Now what in the bloody force did Xanitos expect him to do with a stuffed bantha?!," He thought. What he did with everything else he had received that year he supposed. Put it in his closet where he would never have to look at it again.
Just then Qui-Gon walked around the corner, bringing Obi out of his day dreaming state. "Obi-wan, he said, what are you doing out here all alone?"
"What else?" Obi replied.
"Ahh, reviewing the gifts Xani gave you last year and such?"
"Yes."
"Well, perhaps you should tell him what it is you want", mused Qui-Gon. "What exactly is it that you want anyway?"
Obi-wan thought about it for a minute, then replied with a grin, "Well, I would really, really like to have one of those palm pilots."
"A palm pilot, Qui-Gon said simply. Why would you need one of those, Obi-Wan?
"To store my porn in", Obi muttered under his breath, then giggled to himself.
"What?"
"Nothing, mumbled Obi. You know me, I need to be organized."
"Ahh, yes, organized", responded QG warily.
=====================================================
Xanitos got up from the sleep-couch where he'd been sitting for nearly an hour, "What to get Obi..", he muttered. "What to get Obi.." He paced and started to bite at his already short nails. "Fuck it! Xani blurted almost out of nowhere, What am I supposed to get that jedi?! Never any sort of idea he gives me, just :
"Oh, you know what I like, Xani." It was obvious that infact Xanitos had no clue what-so-ever in the way of gift giving to Obi or anyone for that matter.
Then he thought of something, "Maybe I can make Obi a scrapbook filled with naked pictures of myself, but who could I find to take those pictures?" Xanitos then thought again about last year and cringed, "I certainly don't want anymore bruises." "Damn it! Damn it, Damn It!!! Xani screamed with rage. "Why can't I ever get Obi a decent gift? It always ends up the same way, he hates it and throws it into his closet. I know he doesn't think I know that, but I have my ways, after all I am an evil overlord, he grinned." With that he lay back down on his sleep couch and switched on his favorite show; Queer as Imps. Obi, then entered the room. "Where you been?" Xani asked sweetly.
"Around", he shrugged. "What ya watchin?"
"Umm, QAI, he smiled. Come n' sit over here", he beckoned to Obi-Wan
"Sure, why not."
Obi jumped up on the sleep-couch and leaned against Xan's shoulder, I'm getting pretty tired, he yawned. Why don't you turn off that show and come in to bed?"
Xani, being the occational idiot that he was didn't seem to get the message and replied, "In a minute, I wanna see what Tierce does when he finds out that Jack is cheating on him with Shaun.
Obi sighed, "Fine then", I'll be in the bedroom if you need me. He waited for a reply, "Xan, did you hear what I said?"
"Yea, yea. Sure, sure." Xani muttered.
Obi-Wan decided it best to give up, (Xanitos being the stubborn evil overlord that he was) so he unbuttoned his tunic; took off his belt and pants; reveiling his glowing lightsaber boxers; pulled back the covers and at a last attempt to get some attention, he knocked over the lamp beside the bed. Xan didn't even flinch, he just sat there, watching intently upon his tv show. Obi scoffed and slipped into bed, feeling unwanted by his apparent boyfriend who couldn't even give him a proper gift.
He laughed to himself, "Some boyfriend he is."
The last thing he heard before falling to sleep were the sounds of, " That's it, Tierce! Punch the little fuck out! He doesn't deserve you!"
=====================================================
Obi Yawned, and turned over; not seeing Xani next to him he turned back over again, mumbled something about knives and went back to sleep.
=====================================================
"Hmm.. maybe Obi would like something like this", Xani said to himself as he carefully examined the chunky looking silver ring with some sort of yellow colored gem in it behind a thick layer of glass. Luckily for him, Qui-Gon was passing by for some unknown reason and saw Xani with his nose pressed up against the glass in the Corellian Exports store.
"Hey, Xanitos what are you doing in here?"
"I was about to ask you that same question", Xan responded warily.
"Just passing by."
"Ahh."
"You shopping for Obi, perchance?" Asked Qui-Gon, being the nosey jedi master that he was."Need any ideas?"
"And what ideas could you possibly give me?" Xani said insultingly.
"Well if you don't want my help.."
" Ah, come on Qui-Gon, don't be like that, I was just kidding," Xani begged in an evil overlord sort of way.
"Yesterday, he told me that he really, really wanted a palm pilot", QG explained.
"A palm pilot", repeated Xanitos. "Now what would he do with th-" He giggled as he realized what Obi had in mind.
Qui-Gon raised an eyebrow at Xani,"What's so funny?" Qui-Gon asked.
"Nothing you would understand", Qui-Gon. Xanitos muffled his laughter and started to walk out of the store.
"Hey, wait Xanitos!" Qui-Gon yelled. "Don't you have anything to tell me?"
"Umm..Oh, yea thanks Old guy, Xani said offhandedly as he patted Qui-Gon on the shoulder. "Would you like a doggy treat too?" Xani smirked. Xani didn't like QG too much, after all he may have killed he father.
Qui-Gon blinked, but said nothing and walked away.
"Ass", mumbled Xani to himself. "Now, where to look for a palm pilot?" As he said this, Xani was looking right at the galaxy's biggest techie store, 'Galactech', it was suittably named. After about five minutes of turning around in circles he finally noticed this and walked in. "Excuse me (Just because he's an evil overlord doesn't mean he couldn't be polite at times) would you happen to know where I might find the 'palm pilots'?"
"Umm..In asle five sir", the geeky looking human boy replied as he adjusted his overly large glasses.
"Thanks", Xani said simply, then went off searching for asle five.
=====================================================
Obi blinked, "3:00! how long have I been asleep?!"
"5 hours, 2 minutes and 10 nano seconds, approximately," replied Obi's ever so annoying droid; MC-17.
"I thought I told Xani to turn you off."
"Apparently not, sir", MC-17 said in an unmistakeably sarcastic tone.
Obi reached over and promptely turned it off," Can't expect Xani to do anything right anyway", he sighed.
He decided that some coffee and TV might make him feel a bit better, so he switched on, 'The Super-Fantastic Adventures of Mynock Man' and went to get the coffee that he had made day before, or atleast that's what he thought. "Mmm..two day old coffee, just the way I like it, he said sarcastically, then shuffled to the TV room and ploped down on the sleep-couch. Just as minock man started to fight Safwan the hutt, who kidnapped Mynock Man's 5th cousin once removed; Earl, Xani entered the room. Obi pretended not to notice and continued watching his show as Xani quickly slipped into the next room with Obi's christmas present.
"I hope that old fart knew what he was talking about", Xani thought. "I really want Obi to like my present this year.." "I bet that closet of his is overflowing with shite-gifts." Xani then began the arduous task of wrapping obi's gift; a brand new- not yellow, but silver palm pilot. "Damnit! I cut myself with- Xani furrowed his brow- Safety scissors!
Obi giggled,"Heh heh..Safwan The Hutt. What kind of a name is that for a hutt?" He had obviously not heard the crys of pain coming from the next room and if he had, he probably wouldn't have done anything about it.
"Yarg! I hate Christmas!" Xani pulled at his flowing black hair, "Damnit!" This is how the evening went on until the gift just looked like it had been wrapped by a one-armed wookiee, (Chewie could of done a much better job nonetheless.) Xani looked at the gift with pride, "Done and done," he exclaimed and brushed his hands together. He then put the gift under the tree.
=====================================================
Xanitos had been tossing and turning all night wondering about the gift he had bought for Obi, so at 7:00 sharp he finally couldn't take it any longer and shook Obi awake, yelling, "Obi, Obi..It's Christmas, wake up!"
Obi rubbed his eyes, awaiting his present from Xani. It was obvious he wasn't too happy about being awakened so early. Xani went over to the tree and brought the present back to Obi-Wan, "Here, open it, Xani smiled sweetly."
"I wonder what you got me this year?" Obi said sarcastically. The yellow paper it was wrapped in sure didn't look like a good sign, that and besides the fact that it looked like Xani had gotten a one-armed wookiee to wrap it.
"Cut the sarcasm and just open the damn gift Kenobi." He was becoming a little impatient with his boyfriend. Obi never seems to appreciate my gifts, thought Xani, but maybe this year will be different.
Obi rips open the snot yellow paper and gasps, "It's a-a- "It's palm pilot", Xani finished for him. "D'ya like it?"
"Like it, I love it!" Obi ran over to Xan and hugged him. "This is the best present ever! How'd you know to get me it?"
"Well, let's just say I have my ways", Xani grinned.
"You really had me fooled with the ugly yellow paper and the bad wrapping job, but you really came through this year, Xani." Obi smiled and opened the box it was in. He then turned it on by pressing a large red button. Nekkid Xani pics filled the screen. "So that's what he had been doing all night. I wondered what all that clicking and flashing was."He smiled, wider this time. How sweet, Xani porn to add to my collection."
"I knew you'd love it-well I hoped you'd love it."
Just before Xani was about to lean in for a kiss, the door busted down, they both turned around and saw Yoda who was just about to knock. " Need to fix that, you do." He said plainly.
"What in kessel?" Obi raised an eyebrow and turned to face Xani, "You forgot to get the door fixed again didn't you Xani?
Xani pouted, "yes."
Obi shook his head and looked at Yoda who was eyeing them oddly. Obi welcomed him in, "Yoda what brings you here so early?"
"A present for you have I", replied Yoda. He passed the gift, which was obviously a giant Vader head to Obi-Wan.
" Thanks.." Obi looked over casually at Xani who wasn't paying any attention because he was playing with the solid gold Boba Fett action figure Obi had given him. He unwrapped it nonetheless it was infact, a giant Vader head. "What does it do? Obi questioned.
" A good paper weight it is," Yoda smiled. " Or a door-stopper it could be."
" Well, thank-you very much.." Obi said with apparent caution. Obi opened the lid, wondering what could be inside or if there was anything inside and 5 bright yellow, springy snakes popped out and hit him in the eye. "Is this some kind of joke? He screamed at Yoda as he rubbed his eye.
" A joke it is not, Obi-Wan. Bought it from a very reliable Jawa, did I."
Obi nodded angered by the throbbing pain in his left eye. Here's an idea; why don't you go visit Qui-Gon? I'm sure he's lonely and needs some company. Obi picked up Yoda and shoved him out the door. " Bye," He waved.
Yoda, sitting on his ass, stared at Obi as he slammed the door in his face and several locks clicked in place.
Obi-wan then walked over to his shite-gift closet and threw in the giant Vader head. " How thoughtful, he muttered loud enough for Xani to hear.
Xani chuckled, but said nothing and continued to play with his solid gold Boba Fett action figure.
Suddenly, Obi got an idea. "Hey, Xani", he called in a sly voice.
"Wha?" Xani responded.
Obi spoke very slowly as to not confuse the boy, " Wanna get lucky?"
Xani looked puzzled, " What do you mean, I am lucky. I always win when we play sabacc."
Obi bit his bottom lip, and tried again. " DO YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX?"
" Oh..Oh! Xani realised what Obi was suggesting. Yes, please."