Redemption

A/N: A Riven character study. Standard Disclaimers apply. Riven POV.

Breathe, Riven. Breathe.

Shit.

Shit.

God. Fucking. Dammit.

That felt a little too fucking real this time.

I hated this feeling and I hated waking up to it more. Chest tight, hands trembling, furious sweating and a pulse racing faster than a train, you'd think I'd get used to it by now since it happens every damn night but I never did. Trying to get a good night sleep is a thing of the past and it's really taking its toll on me.

These… nightmares. They come back without a miss. Closing my eyes takes me back to that fateful day on Couer Valley. Blood. Skulls. Corpses. All on the battle field laid out like a carpet of death and destruction. It reeked of rotten flesh, gun powder and blood-drenched mud. It wasn't a pretty sight and the smell was just as repulsive.

We were ambushed by the Ionians. They were clever, they hid underneath the corpses, waiting for our unit to pass by, waiting for the right moment to strike. We were all tired, famished, and restless so when they finally jumped out of the ground halfway through our march, we weren't prepared.

Defense, now! I screamed. They outnumbered us and I had to call in backup. I launched the distress signal into the sky, hoping our reinforcements would come quickly. My troops −my friends− were trembling and cowering. All of them backed up against each other as we slowly dropped in numbers from the rancorous Ionians. We have this, boys. We got this in the bag. I reassured the guys with the situation, the distress signal would get us out of this mess.

The first explosion landed right in the middle of the Ionians formation. My heart fluttered, we had a fighting chance! Our reinforcements have arri−

And another one, right on the edge of our formation. My troops were flying alongside the Ionians that were blasted a few seconds ago. Bomb after bomb flew across the battlefield, aimed at anything that moved within the valley.

We were doomed.

Stop thinking!

The cold sweat was getting into my eyes so I wiped it off on my sleeve. I was trying to catch my breath and being assaulted by my own thoughts in the middle of the goddamn night didn't make it any easier. I'm such an idiot. I am a warrior. I know I can get through this. There's isn't anything wrong with me. I know there isn't. Sleep is exactly what I'll be needing tonight…

But when I close my eyes…

Betrayal. Abandonment. All those soldiers, screaming as the poison from the explosions seeped through their armor as they fall slowly onto the blood drenched ground. I couldn't stomach it. Cries of the dying, shouting out in pain and agony as their flesh started to melt from the chemical gasses that suffocated them.

I wanted to save everyone but I couldn't. Calling for back-up was the biggest mistake I've made. I thought they were there to save us but the Melters… they didn't. They had other things planned.

Waves upon waves of explosions. The death tally started to go up. My ears heard nothing but endless screaming. It was getting harder to breathe as thick smoke and the smell of chemicals polluted the atmosphere. I was at a loss. I didn't want to die.

No one wanted to. No, not like this.

So instead of saving my troops, I did the opposite. I ran. I ran away like the coward I was. I did the unthinkable. I couldn't bear the sight of this any longer and my lungs were desperate for a breath of fresh air.

The weight on my back doubled as I left. They were all gone, my unit, my friends, my family. They didn't even stand a chance against that biochemical attack. No training we've been through could ever prepared us for that type of scenario. Once we stood side-by-side in battle, my troops were nothing more than a memory that only I could keep alive.

I am not weak. I had to do what I had to do or else I would've be dead. No one's was going out that death trap alive. Besides, only the strong survive right? I'm a Noxian child and that's what I grew up to believe in. It's what everyone in Noxus believed in; training and fighting for the glory of this huge nation because we are the fucking best out there. We're strong and that everything that isn't should be weeded out. Besides, how can we achieve a perfect world when there are nations out there to make it so… not perfect?

"Gaaah!" I can't think like that. It's because of that belief that brought my friends and my enemies alike to their deaths.

How could I have been so blind?

And I'm known as the Poster Child of Noxus. Hah! What a damn joke. I was nothing but a pawn. A pawn the Noxian Militia used at their own disposal to twist the minds of every Noxian kid and soldier out there. Everyone wanted to be like "Riven of the Crimson Elite" because she was so strong and brutal.

But now, I knew that I don't have what it takes to be that idol. I was no role model, that's for sure. What role model doesn't foresee an ambush? What stupid, idiot role model couldn't lead her troops to victory? Instead she led her troops to their own deaths!

Well, me of course…

I don't have any clue what happened to the ruthless, witty warrior. I froze on that valley. I tried so hard to compose a sound strategy, or move agile through the mess of soldiers to be able to get my men out of there unscathed. However, the only one who survived throughout the whole thing was the sole reason that mess happened in the first place.

I was the one who directed them through Coeur Valley. I was the one who called for reinforcements.

Running away from the battlefield weighed heavy on my heart. Nevertheless, I had no choice. I let instinct take over and it took me away from danger.

Away from my own death.

What…? I thought to myself as I felt a tear escape my eye. Stupid memory.

Who was there to blame anyway? Noxus? The High Command? They issued their orders to me and I was responsible for the lives of my troops. The Chaos Company trusted me right back. The only person to blame through this whole ideal was nobody other than me.

They trusted me with their lives and I lead them to their demise.

If only I wasn't tired. If only we could've rested. If only I wasn't in a hurry. If only I sucked up my pride; getting the mission done first and scouted the area. If only I didn't underestimate the enemy. If only I wasn't a fool back then. If only I wasn't blinded by my senseless faith.

If only I knew better.

Well, there's no time to waste and I won't be getting any sleep. Might as well try to get all this crap out of my head. The Ionian training grounds is a few minutes away from where I'm bunked and if I leave now, I can grab myself some freshly baked biscuits. Don't want myself to pass out like the last time.