It is all mad, all mad. And no one truly understands. How could they, when I keep so much inside? There is just too much for one person to handle. How do I get myself into these things? I suppose I shouldn't complain. No matter how much trouble I have, there is always someone who has it worse. And I don't have it that bad really. I have a warm house, plenty of food, people who love me, people who will help… But how could I ask for their help when doing so would only drag them into this? I already made the mistake of telling on person a small part of it, and it hurts me that I was so cruel. It is true that I could not have picked a better person to tell. She has already helped me more than even she knows, keeping me from snapping under all the pressure. I would trust her with my life, indeed, would give it to her willingly. But it has caused her trouble, caused her pain. And if my enemies or even my allies found out about her… I don't want to think about what would happen.
I hide so much from everyone. It hurts me, the tangle of lies I have been caught in. No living person knows it all, not even me. And of course my family knows least of all. I must protect them at all costs.
I wonder what the people around me would think if they knew. Someone my age should be more concerned with boys and shopping and getting good grades. I should be weeping because some guy I liked didn't like me back rather than because a man I trusted betrayed me nearly to my death.
I wonder so often why I cannot simply live a normal life. I have come to the realization that it is because of decisions I myself have made. It seems I am just destined to have a busy life. I will try not to complain or call it hard. It is simply my lot.
People wonder about me. My "friend" from school wonders why I seem so tired and upset. My parents wonder why my grades are dropping. My classmates wonder why I am so quiet. They wonder why I do not join in with their crude jokes, their conversations on the latest fashions, their gossip about every person who is not right there with them. It is not that I think myself above them. No, they are just as good as me, better even. It is simply that I have other matters that fill my thoughts and I may let something slip if I speak too much. I have been trained to keep y silence, and it is a habit I will not let go of easily.
Well, enough of that. Those around me do not understand, because I do not choose to let them understand. I will not speak more of it. But now I would like to tell of another matter that concerns me. My dark side. I have many questions about myself, some that I do not know how to answer. Why do I, who only wishes to do good, have so much evil within me, such a talent for it? Is it even so terrible; am I as good at hurting people as I believe? Or am I deluding myself, thinking I have more power than I truly possess? If that is it, why do I think that? Why would I trick myself into believing something like that? I do not want it to be true. It isn't true! It can't be… But what if it is? What do I do with such a dreadful power? The power to snap minds like twigs… And enjoy it. Only one person has escaped it. I do not understand how she was able to. She said she was fine, that it did not affect her. It is true I was not trying hard. In that state of mind she was simply the means to an end. I did not care about her. But she did not even appear shaken after the second time. There should not have been a second time though! Why did I stop? What is it about her that actually caused my darkness to be calmed enough for me to push it back? It is true that I care about her, but I have cared about others… It doesn't matter. I'm just glad I stopped. I could not bear it if I hurt her…
Yet sometimes it seems I am destined to get her further and further into trouble. What a fool I am. I cannot stop trusting blindly in him… How many times do I have to be betrayed before I learn?
No, I must stop. I cannot reveal details here where unfriendly eyes may discover them. All I will say is that I am a total idiot. Even when the warning was right before my eyes I could not see it.
Eyes! Eyes are watching me, everywhere I turn. There is always someone from one group r another. Only n my own home did I ever get any privacy, and now even that is gone. I am sure I sound completely paranoid, jumping at shadows and seeing things that aren't there. I hope desperately hat this is true, that none of it is real. It's a living nightmare, looming over me wherever I turn. I am so frightened. I try my hardest not to let it show, to be brave and strong. But I think sometimes I let something slip, some hint of the terror that lives inside me. I often find myself laughing hysterically at things that truly aren't funny. Am I going crazy? Who could blame me under the pressure? If any of them understood… But they don't, and that is the way it will remain. No one can be permitted to share my full burden. No one.
I wrote a poem some time ago. It has no form and is barely even good enough to be called a poem, but it did explain my feelings at the time. Here it is:
I never thought that you would shatter under me
I guessed my weight was just too much, but maybe something more
You had always seemed like solid ground beneath
But now I question reality as I lose my stable floor
I watch as the shadows start to roll in
A storm I do not recognize is closing in at last
No fear within, no comfort without
I turn my eyes from the future as I look to the past
Calm eyes watch as my fate descends
A feeling of nothing, of shadow, of all
I hold myself in while being lured out
My will vanishes, there is no longer a self to stall
Feelings turn around and around inside
Until there is nothing left at all, no comfort, no place to hide
What do I do when everything is nothing?
The out comes within, pushing my in outside
Sighs of the wind, tendrils of shadow
What else can exist in a world where all is naught?
There is a light from somewhere; it's all that I cling to
But I fear its hold will slip once this silent war has been fought
The surety I have always felt in some ways still exists
Confusion is there, so many doubts, so strong
But some truths never fade, never weaken
No matter how many truths and how many lies have turned wrong
Where does the path before me lead?
To your destruction, to your salvation, or into nothing?
All those memories, losing meaning
Or perhaps strengthened, thrust into a new light, a new something?
Answers elude my grasp, falling through your eyes
Those eyes once so pure have gone black
Or were the ever pure at all
The darkness within revealed as trust's ropes go slack?
Failure means loss, that I know
But the price has not been set, the gamble unsure
Could I win the game that is already lost?
Or has it been set, my knowledge the blur?
What is it you want from me?
Don't ask for my life
It was never mine to give
Don't ask for my soul
That I cannot give
Don't ask for my thoughts
You are already in every one of them
Don't ask for my heart
You had that once and you broke it
The Old Question was asked of me today. I thought I had left that incident far behind me, but apparently not. The one who asked does not seem as though he will make trouble, but if one person knows, then perhaps there are more. How many people know of my past? How many will seek to use me because of it, or will seek to destroy me? I do not have the answers to these questions, but my ignorance may be dangerous. I will have to look into it. I know who I could ask, but I do not know if I can trust her. My trust has gotten harder to earn over these past few weeks.
And of course there is yet another thing that concerns me. I realized recently that it is nearly time for me to make the journey. I cannot miss that, but how could I leave now? There is far too much that still needs to be settled. Well, it is not for a few months still. Perhaps things will have calmed by then.
What do I do? I do not make decisions. I don't know how anymore. Every choice I make hurts someone. I would… I would never hurt anyone willingly… What a lie. Just looking at my past proves that to be untrue. I have learned to live with my wrongdoings, but the memories still hurt. They always will. It is the price I will pay. And I will pay, for all time.
Time… No time. Not time and yet all the time in the world. Impossible, improbable, and all too real. Conflicting and in perfect harmony.
And now things are becoming even more confusing. I feel as though everything hangs in suspense right now, waiting for some crucial decision that will decide my fate. But I do not know what this decision might be, or even if I am the one to make it. Wouldn't it be ironic if after all these years of independence and secrecy, my life was unknowingly in the hands of some other?
So much mystery… I remember when I was just a child and I dreamed of having some great adventure. I imagined myself in many different settings, many different roles. But never in my wildest fantasies did I imagine it would be like this. My days are filled with confusion, hurt, and betrayal. My nights are filled with worry and never-ending nightmares.
Last night, every moment I was able to claim some bit of sleep, my dreams were of floods. I do not understand the significance of this, but everything, every moment, was drowned in water brought on by heavy rains. The waters would surge in, wiping out everything in sight and I would sink slowly away, drowning…
There are moments that are better than others. Sometimes I feel as though I can make it through, actually overcome these trials. And of course there are moments when I lose hope and am taken by depression or fear. The most I can hope for in these times is that I hold onto the ability to hide my emotions from everyone around me. That is my most important goal these days; to cover my fear and save my tears for the dark hours of the night after everyone has left and I am alone… This is not to be confused with strength. I am the weakest of the weak. I am constantly terrified out of my wits, and have no idea how to handle any of this. But I cannot allow anyone else to pay for my weakness. No matter what, I must keep as much as I can from them. Even if doing so kills me and throws my soul into Hell for all the lies I have to tell.
I think it is time to end this. I have gone on for too long and have likely repeated many of the same points several times. So I will end this now. Farewell.
I did say I was going to end this, and I was planning to. But more things happened last night and once again I am turning to my writing to help get all my feelings under control.
As I said before, I cannot reveal details about most of my problems. But there is one thing I would like to make an exception for, as I don't think it will put anyone in danger. Last night, my sister began out of nowhere begging me to come home, even though I was sitting in my room right next to her. She started talking about different kinds of death in between her pleas. Obviously this worried me quite a bit, but after a while she settled down and fell asleep. I am going to simply excuse it as childish exhaustion, because I have no idea what it would be otherwise. She seemed fine this morning, so I am not going to worry about it.
It doesn't seem like any of my "friends" particularly trust or like each other. I am not surprised though, since I don't particularly trust any of them. There was a time, only a month or two ago, when I would have trusted them all without a second thought. But I don't have the luxury of trust anymore. I have always had the need for secrecy, but at least I could believe what they said. Now if I trust in their words I will be dead before I can blink. It is far too easy to lie, as I well know.
There is no way I can be this unusual. I can't be the only one dealing with these kinds of problems. Surely there are others that go through this. There must be! I'm not special. I am an average teenage girl with an average teenage IQ and an average teenage life! So alone… How can someone be surrounded by so many smiling, caring faces, and yet feel so alone? I have so many people who consider themselves my friends, or want to be at least. Why can't I just accept their companionship and return their friendship?
Because I am evil. Maybe I have no light, maybe I'm just all around darkness. Evil eating away at itself… I accused someone else of this, but that was a lie. Maybe it was more true about myself. I certainly feel as if I'm eating away at myself, a piece at a time, for all eternity…
Death is a possibility at every moment of my day. I do not fear it. If with my death everything would be over, I would give up my life at this very moment. But what about my family and those involved with me? It would end certain threats, that is true, but it would begin so many others. It is all about choosing which risks are worth it, and which outweigh the rewards. I just hope I am making the right choices.