A/N: Ok so this is all meant in good fun. If you truly love Twilight you will just laugh at this, or you will find it incredibly stupid. If you read this with an open mind and find it funny, cool. If you read this with an open mind and hate it, you should tell me why.
P.S. I asked a friend to upload this earlier because I didn't have an account, so you might recognize it. She forgot to put that I wrote it.
P.S.S. I am open for suggestions.
Disclaimer: I'm not Stephenie Meyer, I'm just borrowing her characters. I'll try to remember to give them back...
"Breaking Down"
Chapter 1
Here's the run down, my vampire husband refused to sleep with me (technically it's not sleep with me), until we were married. So of course as soon as we tied the knot we found a remote location to do the deed. This brings us to the present, I, Bella Cullen, am knocked up. According to Carlisle I'm due any day, even though it's only been like two weeks.
"I didn't think you had it in you Eddie," Emmett said happily.
'Eddie' just ignored him, which he did often because of the fact that he finds pleasure in consuming himself in self-loathing.
I looked around me, seeing all seven vamps staring at me. They all looked depressed, like I would be kicking the bucket any second, which was probably true.
I, of course, had the confidence that I could endure this until they were forced to stop my heart. Anything for the baby boy growing inside of me.
I know you're asking how could I possibly know it's a boy, and I have an answer: I'm never wrong.
"Bella, love, will you please allow me to rip the demon baby child out of you?" My lovely hubby asked for the tenth time in the past five minutes.
"No, he's my little ET, so deal with it. You have caused me enough pain, let me live a little," I said. "But if you wouldn't mind assisting me to the bathroom," I said.
He looked at me and gave me a grave smile. Man he looked depressed. Suddenly he was lifting me into his arms.
"Do you mind? I'm a big girl now. Clearly if I'm old enough to open my legs, then I'm old enough to use them," I said calmly. Edward gently put me down without a word. I taught him well.
He didn't let go though. He grabbed my hand and led me to the bathroom.
What happened next was not my fault at all. I mean, I'm prego, I can't see my feet, and I have never been the most graceful person in the world. So it was inevitable. Everything happened in slow motion, like in the movies. I heard Alice scream NO the same time Edward grabbed me to keep from falling on my face. But I am only human, survival instincts kicked in. I reached out to grab the mantel above the burning fireplace. Somewhere in the confusion, Edward let go of me and pushed me away from the fireplace.
I looked around, but couldn't see through the purple fog that covered the room.
But then it clicked. I killed Edward. He fell to his burning death because I'm a klutz.
After I could see again, seven vamps stood around the fireplace. My focus diverted to something white crawling across the floor. My stomach lurched; it was Edward's hand. I quickly grabbed it and cuddled it against my chest.
"Can we put him back together? He'll give us a hand," I said as I looked down to his still squirming hand.
"No, I'm sorry Bella, it's too late. He's gone," Carlisle said gravely.
"He always said I would be the death of him," I said as the tears started pooling around my eyes.
"Just put the hand in the fire. Think about it, he's in Heaven right now without a hand," Carlisle said staring at the hand.
"NO! IT'S MY HAND! YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!" I screamed, cuddling it closer to me.
"Ring, ring, ring…Oh let me get that. Hello?" Emmett said pretending his hand was the phone. He continued to pretend to talk to someone occasionally adding a few yeahs. "Bella, that was Edward, and he wants his hand back," Emmett said as he hung the 'phone' up.
"How could this happen?" I asked ignoring Emmett. "I thought you had to rip up the vampire and then burn him," I added.
"Edward was special," Esme said thoughtfully.
"This is entirely your fault. You had to get cold and the heat just wasn't good enough for you!" Rosalie yelled at me.
"I'm sorry, Jacob wasn't here," I whispered knowing they would hear me anyways.
"Well, I'm here now!" Jacob announced happily as he walked through the front door.
"Hello Jacob, I get the feeling you would like a few minutes to gloat," Jasper said. I forgot he wasn't a statue and he had the ability to move.
"If you insist," Jacob said with a wide grin. He inhaled deeply before yelling, "Ding-dong the leech is dead! Which old leech? The wicked leech. Ding-dong the wicked leech is dead!" He continued to sing as he danced around the room.
I finally cried and threw the stupid hand in the fire. I watched the pretty purple smoke start to come out.
"At least it was pretty," I whispered rubbing my belly.
"JACOB! Please stop," Alice yelled from the corner. "Let us mourn, you can watch Bella."
And without another word they disappeared.
"So what's up?" Jacob asked nonchalantly.
"Well, I just killed my lover," I said staring at the fireplace.
"If you keep staring at the fire, you'll go blind."
I just continued to stare. "Nothing else matters without him," I said.
"I don't understand how you could love him so much. I mean real men don't sparkle," he said.
"Excuse me, but Edward was a real boy," I said. "Well technically a vampire, but you know what I mean."
"Have you ever watched any movies? Vampires don't sparkle," he said.
"Whatever," I responded staring back at the fireplace. He just can't be gone.
"I always said you made him look like a burning man, but you took it to a new level Bell," Jacob said sounding smug. It made me want to punch him, again.
"Did you have anything important to say or do you enjoy killing me from the inside," I said trying to stop my tears.
"Now you know what you did to me," he said. "But as Edward's, now dying, request-" but he abruptly stopped.
"You can tell me," I said.
"He wants or wanted me to tell you that you need to rid your body of the Satan Fetus," he said using air quotes.
"But he's my little Jacward," I said in my whiny voice.
"What kind of name is that?"
"Well, its Edward and Jacob put together," I said.
"Why don't you just call him Edward Jacob, EJ for short? Wait, I shouldn't be helping you," he said. "If you want a mutant kid, I have another idea, or really Edward did."
"And what is that?"
"He wants me to screw you doggie style," he said staring into my eyes.
"This isn't about having a baby. I want a vampire, not a dog," I said breaking the eyes contact by looking into the fireplace again.
"Oh well, I tried," Jake said. "And he also wanted me to tell you that you're killing him, except he didn't mean it so literally at the time."
That brought on the tears again. What kind of person makes their true love fall into a fire? To put it simply, Bella Cullen does.
"I know you already feel a little guilty, but you single-handedly torn the pack apart," he said.
I stopped listening after I felt this tearing coming from my stomach. Of course this was just my alien letting me know he's ready to come out.
"Hey Bells, you ok? You're kinda bleeding. I don't think the mosquitoes will be happy about the mess you're making," he said calmly walking toward the TV.
"I need help! He's coming!" I yelled.
"Stay," I heard Rose command. I looked up into her pitch black eyes, alerting me to how thirsty she was.
"Blondie, before you drink Bella, let's get Hell Child out of her. It might come in handy," he said walking, slowly, over to her.
"Shouldn't you give me morphine?" I screamed through the pain.
"No, you deserve to suffer," Rose said.
So there they were, just staring at me as my beloved baby ate his way out of me. Of course, I would be able to handle the pain as long as he would be a healthy mutant.
"Maybe it's time to interfere, I mean, this shouldn't be taking this long-" but it was difficult to focus on what Jake was saying because I was starting to blackout due to blood loss.
"Looks like it's done," Rose said. I tried my hardest to open my eyes and when I finally did I saw in front of me the most beautiful baby staring at me with my brown eyes and Edward's hair, but not the 'I just had sex' look. I felt my eyes begin to close. Damn, I was wrong, it's a girl.
"Before you do that, let's throw the thing outside," Jake said.
"Whatever," Rose said. Then I felt it, the undeniable feeling of razor sharp teeth dig into my throat, and then nothing but blackness.
Suddenly, everything around me was white, and I saw him. Edward in all his glory walking toward me, but he looked pissed. I guess he was mad at me for killing him.
"Why are you here?" He screamed at me.
Bella is dead, Edward is dead, who's next?
BTW he's mad because she died not because she killed him.