How I came up with the title: I was thinking about how cheezy this fic was...and voila!
Pairings: B/S, X/A, S/X (sort of)
Spoilers: Specifically to "Gone," and using spoilers and rumors for
up to ep 16, the wedding ep
Feedback: Oh, yes please!
Summary: What would happen if Xander had gotten a view of naked Spike
in "Gone"?
Behold, the Power of Spike
by lucyolsen
***
"Will you have this woman as your lawful wedded wife, to live together in the estate of matrimony? Will you love her, honor her, comfort her, and keep her in sickness and in health; forsaking all others, be true to her as long as you both shall live?"
"I...can't."
A collective gasp escaped the members of the wedding party and all the guests, except for most of Xander's relatives, who were drunk and/or passed out.
"What?! Halfrek!"
[As a warning to those reading this tale, in the future, for your own well-being, please refrain from ditching your fianc(é/ée) at the altar with a vengeance demon standing five feet to your side.]
Halfrek stepped forward, her human visage slipping into something more green and wrinkly. Xander, suddenly realizing both what was going to happen, and the fact that he was, (and still is,) an idiot, panicly put up his hands and shouted, "No!"
Of course, the Patron Saint of Scorned Women wasn't about to take orders from the man who did the scorning. Anya's maid of honor, ('cause there was no chance in hell of Halfrek being married,) turned towards the furious bride, awaiting instruction.
"No...wait. I want to hear what he has to say. I'm not as quick to react as I used to be...which I think goes to show how much I've grown as a person! I can show a bit of patience."
"I...uh...I-"
"Well?! I'm waiting!"
"Anya, I'm sorry. I should have stopped this sooner, but I thought I could handle it. I mean, I thought it might have been just a phase I was going through or something, you know? I really didn't want him at the wedding, and you knew that, but you insisted that we invite him anyway, and I just can't go through with this with him here, distracting me like that."
"Xander, what the hell are you talking about?"
"Anya, I think I'm gay."
Another collective gasp could be heard, which almost drowned out the snores coming from Mr. Harris and Uncle Rory. And the fact that his father was asleep was a damn miracle, because Xander really couldn't deal with his reaction on top of everything else.
"Well, I certainly didn't see that coming," Willow said softly.
Pointing a finger at the lesbian, Anya yelled, "You! This is all your fault! If you hadn't been so open about your gayness, Xander never would have come out and we'd be married by now!"
"Ahn, hon, it's not her fault. I was trying to tell you, it's Spike."
"What? What the bloody hell did I do?" Spike exclaimed while swatting away the skanky girl who was attempting to lick his neck.
Xander turned towards the object of his desire. "You remember a few weeks ago I went to your crypt and you were exercising? That pretty much did it. I mean, I never thought pushups could be so...sensual, but who the hell does pushups naked, anyhow?"
"Well, I admit, he does have a nicely shaped body. But that's no excuse for what you did!"
"I know, I'm sor-"
"What the hell were you doing at Spike's crypt anyway? You never go there."
"Huh? Oh, I was looking for Buffy. Invisibility...pudding...you know."
"Naked pushups and invisible Buffy?" Anya turned towards her bridesmaid, "You know, Xander may need an anvil dropped on his head, but the rest of us aren't so blind."
Buffy attempted to duck her head, but the large collar on the neon green bridesmaid dress she was wearing made it impossible. "Okay, fine...I admit it. But it's over. I ended it already."
Several moments passed in silence. "What? Aren't you going to say anything?"
"Well, I am shocked, I guess," Xander said.
"I know. Totally wrong. Not gonna happen again."
"No, I mean, I'm shocked that you got over yourself long enough to be with him. The sexy factor? I am so there. It's why we're even talking about this, remember?"
Buffy, surprised that she wasn't getting much flack for sleeping with a vampire, turned to her best friend. "Willow?"
"What? He did protect Dawnie while you were gone. And besides, Xander's totally right. If I saw Spike naked I'm sure I'd be cured!"
Since most of Buffy's line of reasoning for breaking it off with Spike was that her friends wouldn't approve, she began to rethink her decision. "You know, you're right. Maybe I was a bit hasty in ending it."
This, of course, got a reaction from the vampire, who for the most part had been a bit distracted from his date trying to seat herself in his lap. But then his attention was immediately grabbed away from the Slayer, to the groom. "I don't think so, Buffy."
"What, what do you mean?"
"I think you gave up your chance to be with him. I think it's my turn to try now. He and I deserve a chance."
"You and him? Together? Ha! Xander, for a relationship, there has to be some chance for love-"
"Well, I admit. I'm not in love with him. I just want him for his hot bod."
"Buggering hell! Everyone just wants me for sex! I wish someone would want me for me already!"
"Hey!" Mrs. Harris exclaimed. "I thought we weren't aloud to say that word? They said they'd give us $10 when we left if we didn't say 'wi-' uh, the 'W' word."
"You'll still get it, Mom. Just don't say it for the whole rest of the day."
"Look, Xander. What gives you the idea that Spike won't want to get with me again?"
"Because of the way you've been treating him. He's bound to go all Rhett Butler on you."
"Rhett Butler? Have you even read 'Gone With the Wind'?"
"No, but I did see the movie. Classic. 'Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn!'"
"Okay! That's it! We're gonna have it out right here!"
Buffy raised her arm to strike the groom, but before she could bring it down, it was caught. She looked up to see who had stopped her from beating her friend to a pulp. "Spike? What? You're defending him? You choose him!?"
"No, pet, I just don't want you to do something you'll regret later. I think beating your best friend into a smudge on the ground certainly qualifies."
"Oh. Spike? What Xander said isn't true, right? We still have a chance? If it helps any, I'm sorry for treating you the way I did."
"Yeah, Baby, we'll give it another go." Buffy and Spike shared a short kiss, a hint of what was to come later (that night.)
Xander's eyes watered up and he grabbed a hold of Spike's arm, trying to pull him free. "Spike? You mean there's no chance for us?"
"Xander, I barely even like you and I certainly don't love y-"
"What about me, Spike?" Spike's date was now up from her chair and pulling on his other arm. "You forget about me? The actual girlfriend?"
"Girlfriend? We met an hour and a half ago!" He knew he was popular, really, but three people fighting over him at once was a bit excessive.
"An hour and a half ago? I thought Spike said he knew you in the biblical sense?"
"Biblical? I don't go to church..."
"Surprise, surprise," Buffy mumbled.
"Look, everybody. We'll get this sorted out all nice and proper. Tarantula, nice meeting you. Xander, I don't love you. Get married to someone who does. Buffy, I love you."
"But I can't marry her now. I still love her, but I'm gay! It's not just something you can change by snapping your fingers."
Tara snapped her fingers, and Xander promptly went back to being straight.
"Tara?"
"Willow, I know what I said, that you were using too much magic, but even I'll make exceptions! I just made Xander forget he ever saw Spike naked. That's all."
"Naked Spike?" Xander asked. "Ewwww."
Everyone just rolled their eyes and they all lived happily ever aft - well, at least until next Tuesday.
THE END
The challenge: In a world where there was no bedsheet in the Xander
crypt scene in Gone, write a fic where Xander turns instantly gay from
seeing Spike naked, and this of course would screw up the wedding and cause
Buffy and Xander to fight over Spike.