Tears poured from my face as I curled into a ball on my couch. All the lights were out. I just wanted to be alone. There were intermittent knocks at the door, but I ignored all of them. I didn't care what anybody had to say. All I wanted was for everyone to leave me alone. I couldn't believe that this was how everything turned out. My picture perfect … well, slightly perfect, fairy tale had come true, but now, here I was, feeling as if a mallet had been taken to my heart. In just a few short weeks, everything came tumbling down.
Three Weeks Before
"Yuki, you know, we could really brighten up the place if we just added some … I don't roses, or lilacs. Oooh! Lilies!" A pillow slammed against my face. "You're so mean..."
"I don't care how you decorate, just shut up while you do it." Even though his words seemed cruel and harsh, it was the best way he knew to show his love. Yuki was a very solitary person. He was cold with most people. Except me. Well, sometimes. Occasionally he crossed the line with his words, but usually he was more playful than anything.
I hugged the pillow tight to my body, a grin spread across my face. Yuki's head was bent, concentrating hard on the screen in front of him. He wasn't typing, however his fingers would absentmindedly click against the buttons as he lost himself in thought. There was something so sexy about his thinking face. Those cute glasses that framed his eyes, pen dripping from between his teeth. Occasionally, he would take the tip of it in his fingers, and roll the pen across his lips, his tongue flickering over it. I was pretty sure it was intentional.
I was suddenly very aware of my groin. There was pressure tightening against my shorts, my growing erection pressing hard. How could just looking at him turn me on like that? I peeked up at him, wondering if he noticed. He didn't move. Slowly, my hand crept between the latex and my skin, fingers trailing to relieve my discomfort. I glanced over at Yuki once more before continuing. Still no movement. I laid back on my back, legs spread, and closed my eyes as I began to stroke myself.
The next thing I knew, Yuki's hand held a tight grip on my wrist, and his weight was pressed down against me. My eyes shot open. He was removing my hand from my shorts and pinning it, along with my other, over my head.
"How am I supposed to get any work done with you … distracting me … like that?" His words were sharp whispers in my ear. I had to force the breaths out of my chest.
"I- uh – was bored … " I stuttered over my words. He took hold of my shorts by the belt loops and ripped them down. I jumped from shock of the force. My legs were forced up so that he could pull my shorts the rest of the way off, along with my briefs, leaving me exposed.
"This is what you wanted, right?" He growled as his hands moved to his belt, undoing his own clothing. All I could muster was a nod. He was right. It was what I wanted. Him. His attention. His touch. His kisses. I wanted him more than I had ever wanted anything in my life.
It didn't take him long to drop his pants around his knees, not bothering to remove them completely. He shoved his fingers into my mouth, prompting me to suck them and soak them with my saliva. Slowly he pulled them in and out, biting down on his lip as he watched. I swirled my tongue around, teasing the digits.
In the blink of an eye they moved from between my teeth to being pressed into me. I let out a loud moan, bucking to meet his fingers. His fingers moved in and out, stretching my entrance. Without warning, he shoved his manhood deep inside of me. My back curved as I screamed at the penetration. His fingers curled into my hair, pulling at the roots. I bit hard on my lip as he thrust in and out, hitting every spot in just the right way.
"Y-Yuki!" I cried, causing his pace to quicken and his thrusts to become harder.
"You're mine, you know that?" His voice was harsh and excited. I nodded.
"A-always ..." I breathed, digging my nails deep into the pillow. His teeth took possession of he my neck, biting into the skin, pulling blood to the surface. His hands roamed my body, eliciting a shiver.
"If I ever find out that you let anyone else have what's mine, I'll fuck you so hard, you literally die." I nodded.
"Yours, Yuki, only yours." I breathed, trying to hold back from exploding. I was having a hard time, since his hand was now stroking my shaft, causing me to buck and moan. His hand matched his hips as he fucked me, sending my senses reeling over the edge. My vision went white hot as he came inside of me, and I came into his hand. His lips possessed mine in a passionate kiss as he collapsed on top of me, panting. Neither of us moved for a moment, holding each other close in the aftermath of our love.
Finally he pulled himself off of me, pulling his pants back up and returning to his computer. I laid there in a daze on the couch, dripping with both of our juices. That was the last time Eiri Yuki made love to me.
So there I was, in a ball of torment on my bed, trying my best not to remember him, but finding it impossible. Everything I ever saw reminded me of him. Every color. Every sound. Every breath. Every moment. He was once mine, now he was gone. How could I possibly live without him? KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK. It was never going to end.
"Come in." I finally moaned, still only wanting to be left alone. The door crept open slowly, revealing a tall red head in the doorway. He leaned against his elbow, an all-knowing look spread across his face.
"Shuichi, you have to leave this room." I shook my head lifelessly. I held one hand tight against my chest, as if it moved my heart would split into thousands of pieces. Hiro took a seat at my feet, his hand resting gently on my ankle. "Come on, Shu. I know it hurts, but you can't shut yourself off like this." I turned my head, not sitting up, but looking into my best friend's eyes.
"I don't want to. I don't want think. I don't want to breath. I wish I wasn't alive." A tear dropped down my cheek.
"I know it feels like no one could ever take his place, and maybe that's true, but you're alive, that's that, and you have an obligation as my best friend to be strong." Once more I shook my head.
"Hiro, I just … I miss him." He laid down, his head resting on my hip.
"I wish I could bring him back for you."
"Me too."
"Damn it!" Hiro screamed, kicking at the air. "He promised me he'd never hurt you, now look at you, miserable and depressed."
"Please, don't be mad at him." I said weakly.
"How can I not be mad when you're like this?"
"If I go to lunch with you will you not be mad at him?"
"No, but I'll pretend." I forced a smile and sat up. Hiro shuffled through my dresser, pulling out a pair of denim shorts and a light blue tank top. Compared to my current white wife beater and boxers, it was a step up. I halfheartedly took the clothes, not wanting to move to put them on. Before I knew it, Hiro's hands were slipping my shirt over my head.
"You've reduced me to changing you like a child, Shu." Once my new shirt had been pulled on, I rotated myself to allow him to remove my boxers and replace them with the shorts. Finally, he pulled socks and tennis shoes over my exposed toes. Now fully dressed, I stood and looked in the mirror. Instead of seeing myself standing with Hiro, I saw a shadow of Yuki next to me, arm slung over my shoulder, vacant smile glinting in his eyes.
Hiro's hand brushing through my hair brought me back from my hallucinations. He was smiling at me.
"Thanks, Hiro." He nodded.
"Anytime."
We were sitting in a small cafe. I didn't want to tell him, but it happened to be one of mine and Yuki's favorite spots to eat. It was secluded and anonymous. We enjoyed our alone time. My eyes flashed to our secret booth in the corner. Memories flooded in, pulling me away from my current conversation.
"Brat." I looked up into the golden orbs that always stole my attention.
"Yes Yuki?" He was fidgeting with the spoon in his coffee, stirring in sugar that had long since melted.
"I, uh, was thinking, maybe we should, I don't know, go somewhere." I was confused. We were already out somewhere, what was he talking about?
"Where?"
"I don't know, I've always liked Paris..." His words were almost a whisper, but so very full of meaning. It wasn't just about going out of the country, it was about him wanting to go somewhere with me. Not just anywhere, but Paris. The most romantic city in the world. My chest was fluttering, I could feel myself about to explode.
"Yuki! Seriously?"
"Don't make a scene or I'll change my mind." I didn't realize I was balancing on the edge of my chair, screaming. I immediately sat on my butt, smiling ear to ear.
"When?"
"Next week. I already told Tohma that you wouldn't be at work." I laughed. Had I said that same thing, Tohma would have gone over the deep end. But because his beloved Yuki said it, it was all that mattered. He was so in love with my Yuki. At first, I was insecure about their relationship, but Yuki had convinced me that he was only mine, and I believed him.
"Shuichi!" I snapped back to the present. Hiro was calling me. "Are you listening?"
"I'm sorry, Hiro, I was just thinking."
"About Yuki?"
"Yeah. You remember when we went to Paris?"
"How could I forget? You screamed about it for a solid week. Then three after you came back."
"He asked me to go right over there." I pointed to our booth.
"Oh. I'm sorry. If I'd known..."
"No, Hiro, I need to face things. I need to recognize that it's over, he's not coming back, and I have to move on."
"Move on? That's not quite how I'd put it. I mean, you're always going to love him, but maybe you'll be able to love someone else one day."
"I doubt that. I may be able to live the rest of my life, but I will never love anyone the way that I love him. Loved him. Love him."
"Is there anything I can do?"
"Find him."
"Shu, we've talked about this..."
"I know! I know! He's gone! Maybe I'm just not ready to deal with that!" I ran out, not sure where I was going. I just ran. While I ran, more memories flooded my head.
I was leaning over the rail of the top floor of the Eiffel Tower, looking down at the 'City of Lights'. It was more beautiful than anything I'd ever seen. Suddenly, there was a warmth on my back, and two arms wrapped tight around my neck. My hands moved to rest on the arms, my head leaning back against his rock solid form. His tongue nipped my ear lobe, sending shudders down my spine.
"I love you, Yuki. More than anything I've ever loved before." I was spun around, his gaze meeting mine.
"Shu, I've never exactly understood 'love' and all of that. I thought I did at one point, but that moment stole away my emotions. I thought I would never feel that strongly for anyone again. Then I met you. From the first time we kissed, I knew that my life would never be the same." I could feel the tears building in my eyes. Although I always knew how he felt through his gestures, he had never actually spoken the words. It was nice to hear him say it. "Shuichi Shindou, for whatever reason, I am madly in love with you."
I held onto that moment for as long as possible, repeating the words over and over in my head. He did love me. That was the hardest part of being where I was now. Facing the fact that two people so deeply in love with each other were not together. It had been three weeks since I'd seen him. Touched him. Tasted him. Three whole weeks. They said his boat disappeared from radar. They said it turned up, capsized. They said only one survivor. The survivor said he was gone. Gone. I couldn't even say what it really was. Dead. Every time I managed to think the word, it hurt even more. I simply refused to admit that it was possible. That he could honestly be … gone.
When I stopped running I realized where I was. Our home. I was standing at the front door of the place where Yuki and I had shared our most intimate moments. Good. Bad. It didn't matter. They were ours, and he was all I ever wanted. I loved him. That was that. Reluctantly, I pulled out our key and let myself in. I hadn't been there since the 'incident'. I was too afraid.
Everything was exactly as we'd left it that day. It was supposed to be a day out on the boat for him. Routine. It was something he liked to do to get away when he had writers block. I was in the studio. When he didn't come home that night, I didn't either. I waited at Hiro's. For three days. His coffee cup was still sitting on the table. A half burnt cigarette was in the ashtray. His robe was slung over the couch.
I curled up, snuggling the robe to my chest. It smelled like him. It was like heaven, being close to him after all this time. It wasn't the same thing, but it was as close as I was going to get. In a last ditch effort to have him again, I even picked up his cigarette and put it to my lips. I was tempted to light it, but I wanted to keep it forever. Before I knew it, I was asleep.
I woke up to see Hiro standing over me.
"I figured I'd find you here."
"Hey, sorry about ..."
"Hush. I don't care. I do need to talk to you, though."
"Yeah?"
"Yuki, he's, uh..."
"I know, I know. I just, well, I can still feel him, Hiro. It's like he's still out there, waiting for me to find him. I don't know, maybe it's just … just the way things happened. I guess I just need proof, closure, you know?" Hiro slumped next to me.
"You really think he's still out there, don't you?" I nodded, tears falling like rain from my eyes. "Then, come on."
"Where are we going?"
"To the docks. We're going to see if he's out there." My heart was clenching up. That was what I had wanted from the beginning. No one would let me, though. Tohma sent helicopters and boats out. No one found anything. They told me I would be foolish, what could I find that professionals couldn't? But here I was, with a small possibility of finding him.
"But, what about our jobs?"
"Fuck NG Records. Bad Luck has made enough to keep us on our feet until we die. What's the point in being a rock star if your number one fan isn't in the crowd?" He was right. I could never play a concert knowing that Yuki wasn't going to be there to tell me how great I was.
As we climbed onto the boat, I knew that I would probably come back empty handed. I knew that I might not find him, or anything. I didn't care. I would rather die trying to find him than live a hundred years without him. We had no course. Yuki never did. So off we went, into the wide blue ocean, praying to find something, anything, that would lead me to my love.
"So, which way?" Hiro asked.
"How should I know?"
"Close your eyes. Feel him. I know you can do it." I nodded, closing my eyes. For a few minutes, there was nothing. Just hope. Finally, something tugged on me. My hand reached out towards the east. "East it is!"
"You look like a pirate." I said, looking up at him, one hand on his hip, the other on the wheel.
"We're love pirates! Off to find Eiri Yuki! Not stopping until we do!" Despite the fact that I knew we might not, Hiro's words filled me with hope. If he knew we could do this, then maybe we really could.
The whole day was spent following my heart. Before we knew it, we were lost. Not lost in a horrible way, because we had cell phones and money and could get home if we needed to. But lost nonetheless. I was trying hard to keep from focusing on the hopelessness of the huge ocean by clinging to memories of Yuki. And me.
It was our first anniversary. I had been reminding him all week, but he was shrugging me off.
"You can't have an anniversary if the other party doesn't recognize the relationship." He had said. He was so full of it. When the night came around, I was sure that I was going to be the only one celebrating, but it was okay with me. I bought him a new laptop. The man at the store assured me it was top of the line. I even had it fully loaded with all the newest writing gear. To top it all off I set the screen saver and wallpaper with my face, so that he would see me even when he was working.
I came rushing into our house, gift in hand, with a giant bow on it. The lights were all out, but there was a faint glow from the dining room.
"Yuuukiiii. I'm home." The table was set for two, taper candles casting a romantic glow across the walls. Yuki was setting a large bowl of salad on the center of the table.
"Happy Anniversary, Shu." He whispered, almost inaudible.
"Happy Anniversary, Yuki." I set the computer down on the table to wrap my arms around his waist. His chin rested on top of my head. I breathed in his scent, it always intoxicated me. I looked up at him, leaning forward to kiss him. He pressed his lips hard against mine, taking my breath away. I could feel his love, and I knew that I never needed anything as long as I had him.
When our kiss broke his hand rested on his gift.
"Is this for me?"
"Yeah, just something I thought you'd really like." He lifted it into his hands, removing the bow. His fingers traced the label.
"You spent a lot on this, didn't you?"
"Yeah, but I knew you wanted it." He walked to his office. When he came back out there was a large book in his hands.
"But you can't have it until after dinner." He said as he set it on the couch. I was squealing with excitement. He had actually got me something! I sat down at my end of the table as he fixed my plate. Steak with shrimp noodles. Salad. Sake. It was the best meal I'd ever had, and fully prepared by my Yuki.
"Did you fix anything for dessert?" Yuki paused.
"Damn it. I knew I was forgetting something." He scowled. I stood up and walked behind him, rubbing his shoulders.
"I'll cover dessert, don't worry about that." I whispered in his ear, rubbing my hands down his body.
"Sounds delicious." He took my mouth in his, his tongue probing. "But that'll have to wait." He said, standing and leading me to the couch. "Here." He held out the large book. The cover had a picture of him in the center. Over the top read 'True Love'. We curled up together as I looked through my gift. It was page after page of pictures and memories of the two of us for the past year. Tickets from my concerts. News clippings from when we came out about our relationship. Everything and anything. Things I never would have thought he'd kept. There very last page was the cover of his latest bestseller. It was titled 'An Unconventional Love'. I wasn't sure why that was in there. I'd never even read it. I looked up at him, silently asking the question. He slid it from in between the leaf, turning it to the summary.
Akiko never thought anything was more important than music. Until the day she met Shigure, the popular novelist. Although she finally has found love, things are not all smooth as she tries to warm his icey heart.
"This – this is about … us …" He smiled.
"I tried to make both characters male, but my editor refused. She said it would never sell anywhere other than the yaoi community. But then I figured, hell, you might as well be a girl." I laughed. He was so sweet.
"Yuki, I love you. This is the best gift anyone could have given me." He took it from my hands, sliding it onto the table, before pressing me hard against the couch.
"You mentioned … dessert?"
"Oh, yes. And it's so sweet you don't even need whipped cream." I teased. He planted sweet kisses down my neck.
"Shuichi, promise me something?"
"Anything Yuki."
"No matter how mean I am, you won't give up on me?" I turned us over so that I was on top, trailing down his body. Once I was hovering just over his belt line I replied,
"Yuki, I could never give up on you. I'm so wrapped up in you." I undid his belt, sliding his pants around his ankles, taking him into my mouth. He let out a loud groan, which he only did when I was going down on him. I twisted my tongue while I bobbed my head, sucking expertly.
"Shu!" He moaned just as he came. "Shu!"
"Shu!" I was being shaken roughly. Instead of Yuki crying my name in passion, it was Hiro, calling me to wake up.
"Sorry, I must have fallen asleep."
"It's okay, I just didn't want your skin to burn. Any clue which way to go?"
Don't give up on me... I could hear Yuki's voice echoing through my ears. I had made a promise and I intended to keep it, no matter the cost. Something pulled inside of me, prompting me to leap to my feet and take over the wheel. I spun it, with no real direction in mind.
"Okay, whatever direction it lands, that's where we go." I said, taking a seat. Hiro nodded.
"Sounds good, pal." He fidgeted with his thumbs. "Do you wanna talk?" I shook my head. Normally I found comfort in talking to Hiro when I was down, but this time, I thought that if I talked about it, that would make him gone. I couldn't deal with that. More now than ever, I knew I would find him.
The sun was setting and we hadn't seen land in hours. I wasn't giving up though. Just when I had given up for the night, I saw something in the distance. Something told me it was important. I steered in a straight path towards it. As we approached it, I realized it was a small island.
"Hiro, we're gonna land. I don't know why, but I think we should search this island."
"Okay, if that's what you want to do." Hiro tied the boat to a tree while I surveyed the land. There was a small glint coming from the sand. When I dug it out, I thought my heart was going to explode through my chest. It was a phone. Not just any phone. It was Yuki's phone. I knew because he had stuck a small picture of the two of us on the back.
"Hiro! Hiro! Look!" I ran to him with the phone. He was almost as shocked as me.
"Shuichi … I can't believe this. Maybe he's here?" That was all it took. I ran into the jungle of trees.
"Yuki! Yuki! If you're there please say something! Yuki!" I lost track of how long I'd been running. That seemed to be happening a lot lately. But now I had proof beyond anything else that he was here. He was alive. His phone. I clutched it tighter in my hand, afraid that if I lost it, I would lose all hope of finding him.
I was out of breath, and I stopped to sit on a log and breathe. I laid back, staring at the night sky, praying for a sign. My heart had led me this far. How much farther would I go before I was complete again? That was when I heard the groan.
"H-hello? Is someone there?" Another groan. I was getting nervous. I had left Hiro back at the shore, and now I was lost in the jungle with weird sounds coming from all directions in the middle of the night. "Y-Yuki?" I stood up and looked in the direction of the sounds. There was a shadowed figure hunched over. Part of it moved, and that was when I realized it was a person. Once again, I followed my heart. "Yuki?"
The blonde figure was curled up and appeared to be in a lot of pain. I turned him over and proved what my heart already knew. It was Yuki. There he was, right in front of me.
"Yuki! Oh Yuki! I told you I'd never give up on you!"
"Shu?" He whispered.
"Are you hurt?" He nodded slowly. "Hold on." I pulled out my phone and called Hiro. "Hiro, oh gosh, I found him."
"What?"
"I found him. Yuki. He's here. I was right! We'll be where you are soon." I hung up and bent over Yuki, still unable to believe that he was in front of me. Before I could do anything else, I did what I'd been needed for weeks, and pressed our lips together. He weakly kissed me back. Once I broke the kiss I realized that my face was covered in tears.
"Shu … how …?"
"It's a long story, but right now, you need to save your energy." I hoisted him upright, throwing his arm over my shoulder. I was never the strongest guy in the world, but as we'd all experienced, when my adrenaline got going, I could do anything, including carry a man twice my size through miles of jungle. By the time I made it to Hiro, however, I thought my knees were going to buckle beneath me.
"Shuichi, holy shit." He took Yuki from my arms, stretching him out next to a small fire he'd built.
"He needs medical attention, Hiro."
"Well, he'll have to wait. Look at those skies. We take off now and we'll just be repeating this whole thing." I nodded. The sky was ominously gray. Lucky for me, I had Hiro, who had already set up a small shelter for us. I made a small bed out of leaves and propped Yuki's back against the wall.
"Can I do anything to make you feel better?" I asked as I laid my head on his chest.
"Cigarette." He huffed. Normally I didn't support his habit, but in these circumstances, I didn't argue. Hiro was sitting in the moonlight, smoking one of his own.
"Hey, do you think I could get one of those?" He eyed me sideways.
"When did you start smoking?" I laughed.
"I didn't. It's for Yuki." He gave me a knowing nod and handed me a lit one. "Thanks. For everything. If you hadn't believed me …"
"Don't worry, kid. Just go take care of him so we can get him home." I crawled back into our makeshift hut with the cigarette.
"Here, Yuki." I put it to his lips, allowing him to take a few drags before he waved it away. "Yuki, do you know how crazy this is? I mean, everyone said you were, you were dead. They even had a funeral for you. I knew though, I knew you were alive. Like I promised you, I'm never giving up." A single tear fell down his cheek.
"Shuichi, I … I love you." It was officially the first time he'd said those three words. I always thought it would mean more, but just having him next to me was plenty enough.
"Save it. You can tell me how much you love me and how amazing I am later. Right now, please, rest." He nodded, pulling me closer to him. "Where are you hurt?" He jerked his head, motioning to his left side. I straddled him, brushing his hair back. There was a large cut that had started healing. "Anywhere else?" This time he motioned to his abdomen. This was the first time I'd noticed how ripped and torn his shirt was. I unbuttoned it, pulling it over his shoulders, to expose a large multicolored bruise. It covered most of his stomach. "Oh, Yuki. It must hurt so bad." I gently pressed my lips to it.
"It does." He breathed.
"Is that it?"
"I think my leg is broken to be honest." I didn't want to put his body through too much by taking his pants off, so I cut the legs at the knees. Sure enough his right leg was horribly purple and slightly misshapen.
"My poor, poor Eiri." I very rarely called him by his real name. "I will stay home with you until you're back to normal, I promise." I assured him as I curled to his side. "I know I've said it a lot, but I love you."
"I didn't say it enough. I love you, too, Shu-chan." He kissed the top of my head sweetly.
I spent the next hour or so filling him in on everything he'd missed.
"I can't wait to rub it in Sakano's face! He told me I was foolish to think you could be out there … I'm sorry, I've been talking you to death. I'm sure you just want some peace and quiet." He shook his head.
"I've had nothing but quiet for weeks. If it's possible, I miss your voice." Life was so perfect. Moments later, Hiro came in with a bowl of something pink.
"Eat this, Yuki. It's something I watched on Discovery. Not sure if it works, but it won't kill you." I took the bowl and fed it to him.
"It doesn't taste horrible."
"I don't know about you two, but I'm exhausted." He said as he curled up and went to sleep.
"I think that's a good idea. We can catch up more after you've seen a doctor."
The next day we loaded up and left our secret island, using the GPS on Hiro's phone to navigate. The pink mush Hiro'd given Yuki was helping him feel much better. His leg still hurt, but there's not many home remedies for a broken bone.
"No offense, Shuichi, but I trusted you to find him, not so much on finding Japan. Our luck you'll land us in New York or something."
"Believe me, I just wanna go home."
"So, what did you do while I was gone?" Yuki asked, pulling me closer to his side.
"Mostly cried. Thought of you. What about you? How did you survive?"
"Well, I swam for what seemed like days before I found that island. My cell phone was full of water, so I couldn't call for help. I forced myself into the jungle to find food, but never managed the energy to come back out. If you hadn't found me when you did, well, I don't think I would have made it much longer. I only managed to stay sane by thinking … of you … This really made me realize what I have. I'm sorry I took you for granted." I shook my head.
"Don't apologize. Just never leave me again."
"I think that can be arranged." The return trip was definitely shorter, and a lot less depressing. Every few minutes Yuki would pull me close and kiss me. He was making me feel like the only person in the world.