(NB1: This dialogue exchange is loosely based on the WWF "Barber Shop Incident" from all the way back in 1991, in which there was a small talk segment wherein a wrestling tag team broke up most bombastically. You should be able to find the whole seven-minute segment on YouTube or, more likely, on DailyMotion. I have included a key at the bottom as to who is who specifically in this parody/satire…although there is not necessarily a one-to-one correspondence from YouTube personality to WWF Superstar at all times).
(NB2: The City of Hialeah is a real city in Florida; the Lukumi Babalu Aye v. City of Hialeah case is a real precedent from the United States Supreme Court).
(NB3: Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters on which this story is based, nor do I own any of the rights to Jared, Heidi, Keemstar, or anyone else).
WTF TUBERSTARS: THE GARDEN PLOT INCIDENT
By Quillon42
(A one-foot-tall "man" dressed as a common garden gnome comes in wielding a pair of shears, the dude of a dozen inches (in height only) snapping them open and closed vigorously).
KEEMSTAR "THE GARDEN GNOME" TEACAKE: Welcome all to the Garden Plot, Ladies and Gentlemen!
Now, tonight we have a couple of marital infidelity specialists…who could go up against their namesakes Jared Fogle and Heidi Fleiss, respectively, in terms of underage image solicitation and whore-for-alls (again, respectively)…and nearly take their titles away! Let's welcome them right now…you know them as ProGeneric Jared Knabbs and Hypocritical Heidi Feral…they're the COSPLAYERS!
[In come Jared and Heidi, the former decked out in his usual predictable Sailor Mercury…the latter ravishing in her Kitsune raccoon outfit…all while the canny commentators weigh in on the situation]
COCKATOO TRONSOON: We've seen a lot of dissension within this union, Lid…it's been a lot of damage!
These two haven't been getting along so well of late really, it seems!
JIMMY "THE LID" METOKUR (So named after his five-star-general baseball cap avatar and such): Well, Tronsoon, you know, it's been…it's been more and more a shitshow with each passing year, the way the YouTube platform has gone! Every person for himself, herself…themself, with all the fuckin' pronouns…let's see…let's see what our boy Jared has to say for his own self this fine night.
KEEMS: It seems that there's been a lot of rumors going 'round…[Holds up an ominous opaque envelope] rumors of certain photographs circulating around now of you, Jared, wearing outfits of sailors and salaciously less than that, at that! And further there's talk of the two of you maybe breaking up…that's why I wanted to get you both on the Garden Plot, so we could resolve the DRAMA here once and for all, get right into the news and have ourselves some proper tea!
PROGENERIC JARED KNABBS: [Reaches down a meter and a half to get the microphone from Garden Gnome]: Well, I'll tell you, Teacake, there's no question, without a shadow of a doubt, that the Cosplayers have been the tightest couple in the World Tube Federation…and as the breadwinner…as the Pro-Provider between us both [motions between himself and Heidi], I can tell you, that although it is true that the bond is coming to an end very soon, it's going to be done cleanly, it's going to be done, with the best interests of me and Heidi in mind.
HYPOCRITICAL HEIDI FERAL: [Puts a hand up to the face of Jared, then rips the microphone out of his hand]: Hold on, ProGeneric Knabbs…don't go omitting the juiciest and most damning parts of what's been going on with the Cosplayers. First of all, listen to yourself; the Provider of the Cosplayers…you ain't been providing for me, in a certain special way, for some time now. Take most of this past season:
I know, and it's been brought to my attention for months on end, that you've been involved in a tag team on the side with Commissioner Softcore Holly! You two've been rasslin' around behind my back for a number of pay-per-views now!
JARED: Hey, hey, I can't help it! Chicks dig me!
HEIDI: Yeah, no matter what grade they're in sometimes, isn't that right? So you've got these pin-ups of yourself that don't belong in any Tuber Federation magazine…or any other legal publication, for that matter…and you're all acting the Doink sending these renderings of your Dink to fans just celebrated their sweet sixteens…
JARED: Ho, whoa, whoa, wait a second…you want to toss blame back and forth here, is that what you want to do? You want to come on here, and shoot the blame back and forth? Fine, let's do that. Let's… just…do that. There you are, wrestling multiple men all over the circuit, something I…have never done…all to satiate your own kinky desires…
HEIDI: Once again, Jared Knabbs, you have completely twisted my intentions as well as my message. The level of entitlement is insane. When I became the founder—the sole founder, mind you—of the Nation of Fornication, it was supposed to be a portrayal of polyamory as a political statement. I had upstanding Nubian studs…, er, knowledgeable stalwarts such as Faarooq, D'Lo Brown, Mark Henry, Kama Mustapha, and Ahmed Johnson join up so they could all help spread my creamy raspberry thig…, I mean, share my creative, responsible theories about the way that people should come together in orgasmic lus…, er, organic loving relationships! But I have always been there for you in general, ProGeneric, and I initiated the idea of triple-threat matches in our marriage out of concern for your wellbeing…
JARED: Concern? For my wellbeing? Booking everything for your own gratification, Heidi Feral, from singles matches to battle royales with other boys? Especially with that one jobber Single J (Jeremy or whatever) more than anyone? Pushing me in turn to have a series of one-on-ones with Commissioner Holly?
HEIDI: Take a listen to yourself. I don't know what's been going on in your head. Maybe it's all the impulses for fans to send nudes…and for you to reciprocate in spades from your end…I don't know what's going on, in either head [points to his face and then his nether regions] of ProGeneric Knabbs. I'm gonna make you and Softcore Holly take all the blame in time, though. [A brief pause] …I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna turn my back right now; you're gonna Tweet out, to all these Tubers, the message you wanna send regarding the dissolution of the Cosplayers. If what you say is acceptable generally, then fine. But if your statement is not to my satisfaction…I will burn to the ground all of that, and all of whom, you hold dear.
…
…
…
METOKUR: Sounds like…sounds like a real gauntlet's been thrown down for our champ here! Let's see if his spiel isn't gonna be tinged with too much autism!
TRONSOON: Personally I don't think Jared's gonna emerge from this in one piece. It might have looked before liked they needed each other, but now what they had is completely and utterly irreparable. Muh [READER CAN GO AHEAD AND INSERT HIS OR HER OWN FLEXTAPE REFERENCE HEREIN].
METOKUR: Who'd be scared of her? Like, have you seen this petite little pixie with her…with her spindly
arms and her…Spirit Halloween tiara and fluorescent glow wand and shit? She's not…she's not exactly fuckin' Ronda Rousey or even Lindsay Ellis over here, you know!
TRONSOON: You ain't seen her 'round us back when I was with the Boot Foundation, man...
JARED:…
…
…Style And Grace…
…
...
…
[Heidi spins Jared around so suddenly that Keem gets a face full of, and knocked down by, the raccoon tail from Miss Feral's costume. She then embraces her husband a second and holds up the hand in her hand.]
KEEMS: Ladies and Gentlemen, the COSPLAYERS!
METOKUR: Yeah, chief, it seems…it seems like the two of them're gonna work it out after all!
[Heidi then superkicks Jared in his superschnoz, sending him billowing to the floor]
METOKUR: But wait, what's this? Well, color me surprised! I feel pretty foolish, for thinking that it would have turned out any way other than the dumpster fire that this has become! She doesn't need him! Any female in her right mind wouldn't need the microscopic manhood that Jared is…and has!
HEIDI [Saying this up close to Jared so only he hears]: I would have gone for your groin just now, but I wanted a much bigger target to be safe. [Pulls him closer]
I'm going to fucking execute you.
[Throws Jared out the window of the cheesy In-Your-Housey kitchen backdrop that serves as the set for the Garden Plot]
TRONSOON: WHAT! …WHAT THE FUCK?! …I knew she was dangerous, but Jacques Damn It, Heidi Feral's gone full harpy now!
METOKUR: And now look! Jared's trying to clip through the window in an attempt to go radio silent and get away! But so many jabronis now are burying him in the Garden so he will never recover…everyone from the lowest level S-O-Bs of the J-O-B, all the way up to Douchey Pie himself!
HEIDI [Grabbing the opaque envelope from countertop]: Is there a problem with the Cosplayers?! [Dumps out many risqué illegal contents all over the floor]. I would rather think so…with Jared there is, anyway.
[Another pause amidst all the chaos; then Heidi Feral grabs the mike once more and then faces the camera very vindictively]
HEIDI: Holly Conrad, you best haul out and hide in the most elaborate Ben-Cooper-mask costume you've
bought at the shitass thrift store and pawned off as your own making…'cause ain't nowhere the fuck you're gonna be able to flee from me for long. Because let me tell you something, ex-non-James-Charles-sister…neither you nor my pansy-ass spouse is gonna have a stick of furniture or fuck-all otherwise once I'm through with you both! I told you before that I wanted my tag team partner to think of me and not you while he was going for the three-count…but I'll tell you right now, Holly Conrad, it's gonna be me, fucking you, right into the fucking floor, at SewerSlam!
KEEM: Well, that was…
HEIDI: [Steals the mike a second longer; to the camera]: Watch all my costuming videos on the Tube
now, fuckers! [Stomps off vengefully]
METOKUR: You know…she pronounced it "SOH-er"Slam just now…like embroidery and knitting and all that shit…but I think saying it like "SUE-er"Slam would be more appropriate…for the…for the cesspool of infamy in which Jared, Heidi, and Holly are all in right now!
TRONSOON: Not to mention "SUE-er" in terms of the possible defamatory legal actions to follow, given the careers gone kaput here! Broken marriage, friendships, work trajectories…they're all stiff better off, though, than Placebo!
[Whatever the eff that means]
THIS AUTHOR'S ASSESSMENT: So seems to conclude the runs of these console-cosplay-confabbers. Even Heidi has been headed off, to an extent, with vitriol from the public accusing her of exacerbating matters from the alleged initial infractions of ProJared Knabenbauer and his compatriot Commander Holly. This author too disdains the dame of diversified duds that is the mouthily fearsome O'Ferrall…yet he also semi-thirstily admits that he wishes he could make like some gay Mister Sinister from the Marvel Mutant Pecker-Peoples, and steal some of Heidi Feral's genetic helixes then mash them up with her virtual lookalike Leah from 505 Games's farming-cum-dating simulation TardDoofus Valley, and then with this HeidiLeah this author could appropriately retire to Hialeah, Florida and, just like the wayward church in the United States Supreme Court matter of Lukumi Babalu Aye v. City Of Hialeah this author and mashup maiden could live happily ever after in the passionate pursuit of sacrificing chickens together ever consistently with the practice of Santeria. (But without that crappy ass Sublime song for accompaniment).
Yes, but anyway, the general consensus is that, despite Jared's juvenile photographic flings and Holly's overall dodginess, Heidi should go down as well, and not be portrayed as the Julia Roberts Sleeping With The Enemy, Sally Field Not Without My Daughter (Not Without My Cat Aries?!) heroine/would-be-victim. Indeed, if Projared's partner were to have a virtual epitaph, it would read as such:
Here Hates Heidi: Seemed So Sweet Till The Tweets.
CAST OF CARICATURES AND SUCH HERE
ProGeneric Jared Knabbs: Jared Knabenbauer As Shawn Michaels (Also A Bit As Marty Jannetty)
Hypocritical Heidi Feral: Heidi O'Ferrall As Marty Jannetty (Also A Bit As Shawn Michaels)
Commissioner Softcore Holly Conrad: Commander Holly Conrad (Name Is Derived From Hardcore Holly)
Keemstar "The Garden Gnome" Teacake: Keem Keemstar As Brutus "The Barber" Beekcafe
Jimmy "The Lid" Metokur: Mister Metokur (James O'Shaughnessy (?)) As Bobby "The Brain" Heenan
Cockatoo Tronsoon: Jon Jafari Better Known As Jontron As Gorrilla Monsoon