Summary: Day in and day out, Kunikida hurts. He's hurting so bad he decides to drown himself in his work in an attempt to get rid of the feeling. Because of this, he catches a cold and still shows up to the Agency. Can his coworkers (family) save him from himself? (Or, as an alternative, the one time Kunikida understands why suicide is so appealing to Dazai and can't seem to stop suffering.)

/So, yeah...this fic. Might be multi-chaptered, depending on how much I wanna put in here.

I got the feels from a song (Hold On by Senses Fail) and got inspired. Kunikida gets overlooked in favor of Dazai, in my opinion, so what a better way to celebrate the bespectacled man than to give him a good ol' dose of angst?

I own nothing, and I hope you enjoy!

"She's everything to everyone; wish I could've see it come

down but, I heard incorrectly.

It seems everything she knows is now

five minutes 'till closing;

that's not a lot of time when you're nervous."

~Look Away by Thousand Foot Krutch

Thunder rumbled overhead as rain pelted the streets of Yokohama, forming decent-sized puddles on the pavement. One such puddle was disrupted by footsteps, which admittedly ran at a dangerous pace in this weather. The owner of the footsteps had a distraught expression on his face, ignoring the horrified looks people gave him for the blood that ran down his head and having one goal in mind: Get there before it's too late.

Once he skidded around a corner, blonde hair swinging to the side with the motion, he broke out into a sprint as the sound of sirens reached his ears. His glasses were becoming blurry with the droplets that splashed against them, but he paid it no mind in favor of locking his eyes on a plume of smoke rising a block away. He willed his feet to go faster, to push himself to his limits before the sand in the hourglass ran out.

He arrived on the scene as a single gunshot rang in the night. With trembling hands, he lifted the upper half of a woman's body to hear her chuckle. "You drove me to this, Kunikida." She coughed wetly, and went still. The man's eyes widened in disbelief as something foreign and definitely unwanted tore through his heart mercilessly. Tears slid down his face as he sobbed, unable to hold in his emotions any longer.

The last grain of sand fell through the glass. He screamed.

And screamed.

And screamed.

And -

An alarm blared throughout an apartment, startling its one occupant awake. The man sighed, shifting under the blankets to glare at the dimly-lit room before him.

It aches.

It always aches.

Doppo Kunikida groaned as he rolled onto his side, hand pawing his nightstand in search of his glasses. Once he felt the smooth frame he plucked it from its original position, sitting up so he could put them on his face properly. He ran a hand down his face before looking at his clock. 4:30am. Right on schedule. He slipped out of his covers just as a yawn escaped him, his feet taking him to the bathroom.

It was at the mirror that he paused, taking in his reflection.

He looked horrible. His blonde hair stuck up at odd angles, some strands drooping in front of his vision. His skin was almost a sickly pallor, as if he'd seen a ghost, and it only served to bring out the bags underneath his eyes, which seemed dull. If anything the sight of himself made him worry, and he hoped that it wouldn't interfere with his work.

"...Tch." He continued to go about doing his daily tasks around the house once he was done in the bathroom, but the memory of his appearance haunted him. He was getting worse and worse each day, which correlated with the ever-growing ache in his chest. He kept going, though, and would arrive on time to the Agency to keep Dazai in check until the clock struck 8:00pm. He would then head home, tie up any loose ends from the assignments he was given earlier, and spread out new cases the President gave him to look over on his bed until it was time for him to sleep.

This was the Ideal Life he led. So, why was he feeling this way?

(He knew exactly why.)

As he brushed out his hair, Kunikida swallowed past the lump that had suddenly formed in his throat. Nononono, not now. You'll have time to ponder it later. There's work to be done today. He wouldn't, though. He'd be so occupied with his job at the Agency that it'll demand all of his attention, right up until he went to cash in for the night.

He planned to keep it that way. With time, it'll surely go away...right? It has to. Once he steeled his resolve, he grabbed his notebook and set out for the front door.

Yes, he'd just work until he forgot about it. As rain gently tapped against the windows, he closed the door behind him.

Kunikida couldn't forget about it.

As Tanizaki handed him the next stack of papers (courtesy of Dazai, who didn't want to do anything) the bespectacled man took it with a sigh of annoyance directed towards his partner, suppressing a wince as the ache in his chest throbbed. He thanked the teen for bringing him the stack and quickly set to work, pen gliding across the pages with ease. Everyone else in the Agency was either occupied with their own work or had set off to solve a case somewhere in the city, which meant that the usual chatter in the office was diminished. They were working hard, he noted with some pride. It was his job to keep the Agency running and on-time with their appointments; due to their unexpected increase in work ethic, he couldn't let them down just because of some silly pain.

"Kunikida-kuuun." Well, almost everyone was working hard. The blonde's eye twitched in annoyance, but nonetheless kept working.

Dazai poked his shoulder with each syllable of his name. "Ku-ni-ki-da-kuuun."

"What, Dazai?" Kunikida finally answered, not once looking up from his assignment. The brown-haired man raised an eyebrow, humming at his response in what the bespectacled man thought was curiosity.

"Do you know any other way to commit suicide?"

The question actually made Kunikida pause, but it wasn't in thoughtfulness. It took a majority of his willpower to keep himself from showing a shift in body language, and almost succeeded. His left hand, which Dazai couldn't see due to being situated on Kunikida's right side, quivered as he was thrown into the past.

A white sunhat. Blue sky. Laughing children. A smile that could light up even the darkest of nights. "Kunikida-kun." Gray clouds. The sound of a gun being cocked.

"Kunikida." Children screaming. Storm clouds. The color red. Tainted laughter.

"Kunikida…" Running feet. Cries of the innocent. Multiple gunshots. Thunder echoing in the distance.

"You drove me to this, Kunikida."

One last gunshot.

Rain. A tombstone. Confusion. Crippling sadness.

"Why did you do it?"

He knew exactly why.

"..-aaaa...Kunikida?" Dazai's questioning brought him to the present, and Kunikida blinked to rid himself of the memories. The bandage-wasting man beside him tilted his head at his partner's reaction. Kunikida just scoffed, sending a sideways glare to the other.

"Go jump off a bridge."

"I already tried that, Baka-kida!" Baka-kida? Kunikida felt his usual irritation rise up at his partner's antics, but it was quickly swallowed up by that damnable ache. Feeling numb, he tried to let out his usual annoyed sigh once more. It came out half-hearted at best.

"Then do it again, idiot."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because Kunikida-kun would just fish me out of the river, like always!" That response was...unexpected. Kunikida let out a huff, not saying anymore on the matter. To be honest, knowing that Dazai wouldn't try to kill himself at the moment because of him was touching, but that feeling was fighting a losing battle with the hole inside of him.

"And, also...because something seems off with Kunikida-kun today."

That got his attention. Slowly, the blonde turned his head to stare at the chocolate pools that were his partner's eyes, pen lifting off of the page once more. "And what makes you say that, huh?"

"...Just a feeling." Was all Dazai said, but Kunikida knew better. The ex-Mafia member was scanning each minute change in his facial expression, the inflections in his voice as he talked, and analyzing their conversation up until now.

Kunikida didn't want anyone, least of all Dazai to find out about this. The Agency needed him to be at his best, so damn him if he doesn't at least do that for them. Calming his nerves, he stared straight into Dazai's eyes and spoke with what he hoped was annoyance. "Well, take that feeling and use it to do your damn paperwork."

"Ah, Kunikida!" It seemed to work - at least, for a time. Dazai raised the back of his hand to his forehead and stumbled back, as if some force was pushing him. "How could you even suggest such a thing? I thought we had an agreement!"

"I don't remember making any agreements with you!" There, that sounded more like something he would say. As Dazai slunk back over to his desk with the other remaining members laughing at him, Kunikida gave a slight frown to his paperwork before it disappeared entirely.

He should feel good about getting the other off of his case.

Why did he feel worse?

9:30pm.

Kunikida took off his clothes in favor of pulling on some pajamas with a few curses leaving his lips, the Ideal on his bed along with one unfinished report the President assigned him. Some asshole in their car saw it fit to splash water on him, and he was soaking wet; at least, though, the file was protected from the onslaught. Once he was done changing, he whipped out a pen and set to work.

Work. Something he did nonstop. Kunikida should feel the usual content that came along with the thought, but all he felt was pain. Really, he knew what was causing it, but it happened four years ago for crying out loud! He shouldn't be stuck on the past.

And yet, he was. Kunikida scowled, but it seemed fake in comparison to the overwhelming sadness he felt. No, sadness wasn't right; it ran deeper than that, weighing on his very soul, but he didn't know what the hell it was called. Maybe that "sadness" had just built up overtime, and he was near his breaking point. It wasn't like he'd confided in anyone about it; that day was the same day he had joined the Agency, so he hadn't known anyone well enough to vent. Speaking of, tomorrow would officially mark the four-year anniversary of it, but he planned to occupy himself with work even if it killed him.

Yes, Kunikida stopped working for a split second before getting back to it with vigor.

Even if it kills me.

The next morning Kunikida woke up simultaneously with the alarm going off, a series of coughs clawing their way out of his body until his whole being shook with the force behind each one.

"What the hell…" He grumbled, sitting up groggily. His head pounded in protest at the action but he ignored it in favor of looking at the calendar.

April 30th. Today was the day when -

Kunikida coughed once more, left nostril beginning to clog up. He quickly went to grab a couple of tissues and blew his nose, setting up the coffee maker and throwing the used rags into the trash.

He honestly felt like shit. Of all the days to get a little cold, it had to be today. I'm usually careful to not let myself get sick. He put on his glasses, running a hand through his hair with a sigh. He at least managed to get the report done yesterday, so if he had to do anything at the minimum it should be handing it in to the President. With that in mind, he made himself a cup of coffee and drank it before preparing to head out. Numerous times he sneezed, and he popped a cough drop into his mouth before leaving his apartment. There was no way in hell he was letting this get the better of him. What if people were in danger and they needed his help, only for him to be resting in bed at home?

So yes, work took precedence over his well being. No rest for the wicked, right?

If only he'd listened to his body.

/Yep, I've decided.

This is gonna be a multi-chaptered fic.

If Kunikida seems OOC here, I apologize; it's my first time writing him. EVER. I'll mention his Ideals more in the other chapters, and honestly...the poor dude needs to learn to take a break every now and then. (He also needs to learn to let go and move on, but his Ideals keep on holding him back...Kunikida, you are a mess. We still love you though.)

Thank you all for checking this story out (I should update my other ones, but I have so much planned for this one as well as another BSD fanfic that's in progress - ) and I hope you all stick around for future chapters!

~VampChippzRisesAgain