Hydrogen Tuberculosis Evangelion
Chapter 1: The Apple of Intelligence
x-x-x-x-x
"So that's what we'll do," Toji said to his two fellow stooges as they walked into Class 2-A. "There's no backing out on the plan now, not after what you did to me."
Shinji blinked. "What did we do to you?"
Toji crossed his arms. "You see, Kensuke stole all of my porn and took it to his house to satisfy himself. When he was done with it, he apparently slipped it under the door into Misato-san's apartment, thinking you, Shin-dude, would like to take a look at my pornography."
Shinji frowned. As much of a pervert as he was, he wouldn't jack off to porn magazines. "So how's that my fault?" He asked. "I didn't lay a finger on them."
The three stooges stood near each other as Toji sat down in his seat. "Misato-san proceeded to feed my porn magazines to her penguin, Pen-Pen. You could have stopped her, Shin-man. Now my hormones will not be satisfied without my stash."
"Misato-san fed your porn magazines to her penguin?" Kensuke asked, bewildered. "That's not very healthy at all. Why would she do that?"
Shinji shrugged. "She was probably drunk. It's everyday behavior for her."
Hikari could have sworn she heard the boys talking about porn. Surely Toji, her secret crush, wouldn't try to satisfy himself that way? She watched Toji for a moment as he whispered something to Shinji and Kensuke, who were making their way back to their respective seats. She shook her head and dismissed the ridiculous thought of Toji liking porn as Sensei made his way into the room. She began the usual procedure.
"Stand! Bow! Sit down!"
Sensei sat in his seat at the front of the classroom and began droning on about Second Impact. Hikari took notes as the majority of the class went back to taking naps and drooling on the desks. It's a good thing she was the class representative, otherwise this class would probably have a worse reputation than it already does. She was probably the only one here who actually paid a decent amount of attention. Maybe one day someone else with an adequete attention span would join this class. Perhaps a redhead from Germany. That would be nice.
Shinji had nervously set his eyes upon a red apple that waited on Sensei's desk. He stirred nervously as if it would lash out and bite him. There was no way he was getting close to that apple with Hikari watching the front of the room - walking around during class was prohibited. He turned around and made eye contact with Toji, who nodded.
"Hikari," someone whispered from the back of the room. Hikari turned around and saw Toji smiling at him. God, he's sexy. Hikari smiled back and they continued to do that for what felt like hours. A few of the random kids that weren't drooling or asleep thought the two of them were having a lighthearted staring contest, which was odd since Hikari usually spends her class time doing more productive and boring things.
Meanwhile, Shinji and Kensuke got up from their seats, assured that Hikari wasn't going to notice and brutally murder them when they stood up straight. The two of them then proceeded to walk up to Sensei's desk. The kids watching the alleged staring contest turned their attention towards the two kids who were breaking the rules by walking up to the front of the classroom during a lecture. Whispers began to erupt throughout the room.
"What are they doing?" "Oooh, are they going on strike?" "Hey, do you think they are going to change the subject from Second Impact to something more exciting?" "Tomorrow's my birthday!"
Once getting beyond the desks, Shinji and Kensuke broke the school record of how far someone walked during class before getting pounced by the class representative. The daydreaming kids stopped drooling and stared in wonderment. The sleeping kids somehow sensed this and drowsily awoke. Even Rei Ayanami had turned her attention from the window to witness this phenomenon.
Once the two stooges reached the desk, Kensuke retreated to the far left of the room and pressed against the wall. In his nearsightedness, Sensei only saw Shinji, who stood to the immediate right of him.
"If you wanted something, Ikari Shinji, you should have raised your hand instead of walking all the way up here," Sensei said, glaring at the young boy, although said boy didn't notice this because Sensei's eyes were squinting too tightly all of the time to notice such a glare.
"Oh no, Sensei, I wanted to show you something," said Shinji, who was smiling. "Here, take a look at this picture of a duck." The adolscent held up a framed picture of a brown duck swimming in a pond.
Sensei raised a gray eyebrow. "And what exactly does this have to do with Second Impact?"
Shinji gulped. Everyone in the classroom was watching him, bar Hikari and Toji. "Well..." he began as Kensuke began to sneak towards the apple, "The ducks, they, uh... their habitats were affected significantly when Second Impact happened. This caused them to migrate into... people's houses, where they stabbed people in the eyes for meat. They also adapted to, uh, the infinite summer and got the ability to breathe fire. The ducks ended up killing a significant amount of the Earth's human population."
Sensei simlpy sat for a moment, as if dumbfounded by this intake of false information. Shinji was afraid that Sensei wouldn't believe him. He steeled himself and stood his ground as Kensuke closed a hand around the apple. The class was dead silent. It was all Shinji could do to keep his eyes locked with Sensei's.
"Ikari Shinji..." Sensei said. What's going to happen now? Detention? "Why don't the ducks we see today breathe fire like you described them to?"
Shinji almost stumbled from surprise. He didn't expect Sensei to actually believe him. "Uh..." Shinji gathered his thoughts. "The contact with water over the years caused the ducks to merely breathe smoke, and then eventually nothing. By the year 2010, ducks were completely normal again, back to the way they were before Second Impact." Shinji nodded to no one in particular, confirming himself. "Yes, yes, it's all very fascinating, the way these ducks have evolved over the years."
Sensei smiled. "Thank you for sharing that fascinating tidbit about post-Second Impact ducks, Ikari Shinji. You may take a seat." Kensuke had already taken the apple from Sensei's desk and put it into his pocket as the two stooges made their way back to their desks. Shinji nearly sighed from relief. Flawless victory. That was almost too easy.
Sensei returned to the subject of Second Impact as if nothing had happened. He did not notice that his apple was gone. Shinji wondered if he would care if he noticed.
Hikari and Toji were still smiling at each other, completely oblivious to what had happened. The students in the classroom whispered to each other, pointing to Shinji and Kensuke.
Needless to say, the stunts that the three stooges had pulled that class were the talk of the school that day.
x-x-x-x-x
School had ended for the day and Shinji, Kensuke, and Toji were walking home from school.
"Finally," Toji said. "Give me that apple and then I'll forgive you for the digested porn incident."
Kensuke complied, dug the apple out of his pocket, and gave it to him.
"Ah, yes," Toji said. "When I eat this apple, I'll finally be smart enough so I can diss Sensei whenever I want and I'll never have to listen to class again!"
"I thought you were already going along the route of never listening," Kensuke taunted. "You and Hikari had your eyes glued to each other throughout lunch time."
"Oh, shut up," snorted Toji, who was beginning to nonchalantly take a bite out of the apple as if he did that every day, which he sort of did. This specific apple is no ordinary apple, though.
Toji's hand slipped out of excitement and the entire apple slid down his throat and got stuck halfway through, causing him to begin choking. "Help..." he wheezed.
Shinji took his fist and shoved it down Toji's throat, causing the apple to fall all of the way down into Toji's stomach. It took a bit of Kensuke's help to pry the fist from the retching jock's mouth.
"I always wanted to do that," Shinji said as he wiped Toji's saliva on Kensuke's face, which wrinkled it's nose in disgust.
Once Toji had finished gasping for air, he looked upwards towards the blue sky as if admiring nature. His eyes almost seemed to glow in the sunlight. "I'll say," he said, beginning to walk the shortest route to his house. "It's a mighty fine day for a nice tea outside on my roof. Come along, let us naturally inject nutrition into our systems."
Shinji and Kensuke exchanged glances before following Toji.
x-x-x-x-x
"The Third Angel is scheduled to arrive today," said Ritsuko.
"Hooray!" Exclaimed Misato. "We finally get to kill something with our Evangelion! THERE WILL BE SO MUCH BLOOD! SWEET REVENGE!"
"Evangelions," Ritsuko corrected her. "We still need to find the pilot for Unit-01. With all of her bandages, Rei is incapable of piloting Unit-00. The Commander wants his son to pilot Unit-01."
"Aha," Misato said, turning to leave. "I will find Shinji-kun before he gets back to my apartment. I want this exciting revelation to be as surprising as possible."
Ritsuko nodded. "Good. We need as much time as we can to prepare him, anyways. The sooner he's here, the better. Good luck finding him."
Misato left the Geofront and hopped into her car. She activated her GPS and selected the destination labeled "Shinji-kun." Thanks to the satellites, she would be able to drive her car straight to him. Perfect.
x-x-x-x-x
Toji seemed to be taking a very peculiar route, knocking over fences and walking through people's back yards. Despite Shinji and Kensuke's protests, he continued along his current route.
"Hush, please," requested the intelligent Toji as he put his foot against a tall fence, knocking it down so he could continue on his way. "I know what I'm doing. You two clearly don't, so don't question me."
Kensuke looked at Shinji and tapped his head while rolling his eyes. However, Shinji didn't notice because he was looking beyond Toji with a worried look on his face. Kensuke soon found out why.
Toji was walking straight towards the wall of someone's house.
x-x-x-x-x
Misato stopped her car. According to the GPS, Shinji was somewhere inside the house in front of her. "Hah," snickered Misato. "Does he think he can hide from me? There's no escaping NERV!"
Misato reversed her gears, backed up her car, set the gear to forward again, and then floored the gas pedal. Her car zoomed towards the house and smashed through it. The majority of the front wall of the house collapsed forwards out onto the street, leaving a lot of rubble laying around and dust floating about.
A girl that was in the kitchen washing the dishes screamed. She turned to the wreckage and saw the car that caused the destruction of the front of her house. "WHO ARE YOU, AND WHY ARE YOU IN MY HOUSE?"
"I was looking for Shinji-kun," Misato explained. "Just where are you hiding him? I am Lieutenant Misato Katsuragi of NERV. You can't mess with me!"
"WHY WOULD SHINJI BE IN MY HOUSE? I'M HIKARI HORAKI FOR GOD'S SAKE! HE BARELY EVEN TALKS TO ME AND HE HAS NEVER SET FOOT IN MY HOUSE IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE!"
"Oh... I owe you my sincerest apologies," said a pouting Misato. She switched gears and was about to put her foot on the pedal when a small part of the left side of the house collapsed. Toji Suzuhara marched straight through the resulting hole that he had created.
Hikari Horaki was thunderstruck. "What... TOJI? What are you doing here?"
"I am simply walking along the most convenient route to my house," Toji explained.
"YOU CALL THIS CONVENIENT?" Hikari shouted angrily, pointing at the hole he made in the left side of her house. Toji's two stooge-friends peeked in through the hole and decided to walk in.
"AGH, WHAT IS EVERYONE DOING IN MY HOUSE?"
Shinji and Kensuke stopped beside Toji. "We're sorry, Toji's changed a bit lately," Shinji said, looking at the floor, feeling truly sorry for what Toji did to the side of Hikari's house. It was only when Shinji looked through the living room that he realized the whole front of her house had been destroyed as well. He caught sight of Misato in her car, which was sitting on top of a very ruffled rug. "Umm... Misato?"
"Aha, Shinji-kun!" Misato said, winking and waving cheerily as if she did nothing wrong.
"YOU KNOW HER?" Hikari rhetorically shouted. "JUST WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?"
"Shinji-kun, you are the pilot of Evangelion Unit-01. You will defend Tokyo-3 from Angels." Shinji blinked. "I'll explain everything when we get to NERV. Hop in!" Misato pulled Shinji into her car before he could protest. She drove away somewhat irresponsibly, leaving Hikari, Toji, Kensuke in a house that was more tidy than ruins just a minute ago.
Hikari shook her head in disbelief.
"I'll say," Toji said as he walked towards the right-hand wall of Hikari's house. "I've a tea party to set up. Goodbye, and don't hurt yourself."
Toji walked straight through the right side of the house, leaving another rather large hole. Kensuke could only give Hikari a sympathetic look of sorrow before running after Toji.
Hikari frowned, observing the recent changes of her house. "This is a mess I can't clean up. Mom is not going to be happy about this..."
x-x-x-x-x
"I brought him here safe and sound!" Misato said, displaying a large grin as she put her arm around a very confused boy's shoulder. "I definitely didn't destroy any houses in the process! Honest!"
Ritsuko, of course, knew this meant that Misato did indeed destroy a house or two. She's known her colleague since college to know the reckless woman's typical behavior and considered herself lucky that Misato didn't end up causing a power outage or completely obliterating an array of warehouses.
"Alright, Ikari Shinji," Ritsuko said. "We don't know very much about the Angels, but you need to know a lot about the Evangelions. Follow me and make yourself comfortable, we may or may not be talking for a while."
Shinji just nodded, knowing he could only play along. He followed the faux blonde through the Geofront and braced himself for a long talk.
x-x-x-x-x
Things had gone mostly smoothly after the incident with Hikari and her house - Kensuke and Toji had arrived at Toji's house in a surprisingly short time. Even after Toji had knocked over so many fences and other things with the weight of his body, he didn't seem to have a scratch. Kensuke, on the other hand, was pretty ragged because he and Toji got attacked by a group of bears as they walked through a small forest near Toji's house. He recalled the scene painfully...
"TOJI!" Kensuke screamed as three bears jumped out of the trees and surrounded Toji. Kensuke didn't have time to wonder why or how the bears got up into the trees in the first place because the bears were pulling their claws back to attack Toji.
"I'll say," Toji said, "you bears are not well-mannered. You all deserve some punishment in the backside." Toji took a stick and sharply shoved it up one bear's anus as the other two bears swiped their claws, which he ducked under. The two claws hit each other, and from a distance, it looked as if two really fat and hairy naked guys were giving each other a high-five.
The bear that got a stick shoved up it's butt collapsed onto the ground, dead. This consequently pissed the other two bears off, so they charged at Toji, who simply stepped out of the way. The two bears collided head-on and they both passed out.
Kensuke ran to congratulate Toji when a fourth bear jumped out of one of the trees, did several flips in the air, and landed in front of Kensuke in a battle stance. Teenage Mutant Ninja Bears, Kensuke thought. He was surprised he could still have such ridiculous thoughts at times like these.
The bear scratched my arms twice, but Toji poked it with a very sharp stick and it died.
Kensuke, now on the roof with Toji, couldn't believe he was still alive. He recalled their plan to get Sensei's apple. It seemed so simple. Toji distracted Hikari so Shinji could distract Sensei so Kensuke could get Sensei's apple so Toji could eat it. However, he hadn't anticipated Toji to have such a drastic change in behavior. Kensuke thought Toji would just become smarter. He had to change Toji back to normal before Toji ended up wrecking more houses. But... how?
"Ah," Toji said. "Don't you like the view? I think it's nice."
Kensuke agreed. "Yes, it's very nice, but trying to have a tea party on the roof is kind of uncomfortable." He silently cursed himself when he accidentally let a cup roll off of the roof and shatter on the pavement below.
"Oh, I see," Toji said, "and yet, we have to pay such prices to get such views of the world. For instance, I'm kind of crushing my nuts when sitting on the crease of the roof." Kensuke had to hold his hand over his mouth to stop himself from laughing. So maybe this Toji wasn't too far away from his original behavior after all, although he was still reckless. Kensuke decided to see how things would fold out over the next school day or two. Surely by the end of school tomorrow, he would have a plan to get Toji back to normal.
x-x-x-x-x
"... and that's all the ins and outs you need to know about the Angels and Evangelions," Ritsuko finished. Shinji nodded. It was good to hear that he was going to be working with Rei, although she was incapable of piloting at the moment. This was his opprotunity to prove to his friends that he was capable of getting laid - they thought he would never even get a girlfriend. They can think that all they want; they're the ones who get their satisfaction from porn magazines, after all. Soon, Shinji would finally get the chance to approach Rei and give his friends a surprise.
After Shinji changed into his plugsuit, Ritsuko checked her watch. "The Angel is scheduled to arrive in five minutes." Shinji swallowed nervously and clambered into the entry plug of Unit-01. He sat down and waited patiently. This could be the last five minutes of his life.
Shinji waited five minutes. Then ten more. Then fifteen more.
Misato, who was nearby and eagerly awaiting the launch of Unit-01, was getting impatient. "For God's sake, the Angel is running very late! It's certainly taking it's sweet-ass time! I want to see some vengeful blood already!"
Shinji knew he would probably be waiting for a while.
x-x-x-x-x
Kensuke was glad to get away from Toji after finally finishing the ridiculous half-hour tea party. Toji was beginning to get quite eccentric, but somehow Kensuke found this normal; the day has been eccentric in itself, what with the whole apple incident and Misato whisking Shinji away.
Kensuke concluded from what Misato said to Shinji before he was yanked into her car that Shinji's a Pilot now, piloting those Evangelions. "I'M SO JEALOUS OF HIM!" Kensuke yelled to no one in particular. He looked around and realized no one was nearby. Why? He was heading out to the beach and there are usually a lot of people around.
When Kensuke reached the beach, he found out why. A huge amphibious thing was almost completely stuck in the sand. It's head and shoulders were poking out. It had a face shaped like the skeleton structure of a bird's face. Kensuke knew what this was. It was an Angel.
Before Kensuke managed to take out his video camera, several VTOL flew overhead and began firing missiles at the Angel. Kensuke stumbled backwards and ran with his video camera in action.
"It's about time we found it," one VTOL said, "but you just have to wonder what it's doing with the sand up to it's shoulders when it could be doing more effective things like wrecking abandoned cities."
Apparently all of the explosions were pissing the Angel, Sachiel, off, so it yanked one of its arms out of the sand and extended a long beam of pink light at the small fleet of VTOL, destroying it. Apparently satisfied, the Angel's arm retreated back into the sand. Regardless, Kensuke kept running.
x-x-x-x-x
Gendo Ikari sat in the middle of a circle of SEELE monoliths, waiting for them to find something to badger him about.
"Ikari," SEELE 06 began, "one of your employees was rampaging recklessly around Tokyo-3 earlier today. A young girl's house got wrecked. How do you expect to be able to carry out a plan for Third Impact when the majority of your employees are psychopaths that are out for blood and destruction?"
Gendo folded his hands into The Pose (TM). "You are talking about Misato Katsuragi, correct?"
"How did you know?" SEELE 08 asked. "If you know about her potential recklessness, why don't you make an effort to stop her? You're being useless."
Gendo's lips curved into a smile behind his folded hands. "You see, I have much better things to do than scold NERV staff."
"Like what?" SEELE 06 questioned.
"Like trying to come up with The Pose 2 (TM)," Gendo explained. "It involves my hands still folded in the original The Pose (TM), but I'm standing on my head. It's quite difficult to do a handstand without your hands, but then again, it wouldn't be a handstand, would it? I suppose you could call it a headstand."
The monoliths were silent for a moment until SEELE 04 decided it was his turn to badger Gendo.
"FUCK YO' SHIT!" SEELE 04 screamed. "IF YOU WANNA MESS WID' US, BRO, YOU OUGHTA GO FUCK A MOTHERFUCKIN' PAPER CLIP! BUT NO, YOU AIN'T GONNA DO THAT, BRO. YOU AIN'T EVER GONNA FUCK NOTHIN' 'CUZ YOU AIN'T GOT NO DICK."
A chorus of "Oooh"s rang out among the monoliths.
"Err... yeah," SEELE 02 agreed once everyone was silent again. "You must make yourself useful, Ikari."
Gendo blinked. "Wait a minute... If I don't have a dick, how did I fuck Yui Ikari?"
SEELE 04 had to think for a moment before retorting, "YOU MUSTA TAKEN SOME SPERM THAT'S GOT YO' GENES AND YOU INJECTED THEM UP YUI'S ASS USING A RUSTY SYRINGE!"
"Where's the satisfaction in that?" Gendo asked. "And besides, where would I get such genetically accurate semen?"
SEELE 04 was silent, knowing that Gendo had beaten him.
"Fuck this," SEELE 02 said, flickering for a few seconds before completely fading away.
The rest of the monoliths agreed and disappeared. All of them except SEELE 01.
"Don't fuck this up, Gendo," SEELE 01 sneered. "If you do, we'll rip your tiny dick off."
Gendo snickered into his crossed hands as SEELE 01 disappeared.
Silly old men.
x-x-x-x-x
Shinji had been sitting in Unit-01's entry plug for a total time of an hour and a half.
"It's official," Misato said. "The Angel is too much of a lazy ass to get out of the sand right now. Our militarized weapons can't hurt it and its core is buried in so much sand that an Eva couldn't reach it. I suppose the only thing we can do now is wait. Shinji, you might as well leave the entry plug. If anything happens, it'll probably happen tomorrow. Let's go back to my apartment."
Shinji nodded, clambering out of the entry plug. He and Misato opened the door that lead out when they found themselves face-to-face with the heavily bandaged Rei Ayanami.
"What are you doing here, Ayanami?" Shinji wondered.
"I came to bring Misato-san some pizza," Rei said, wearing her usual neutral expression on her face. "I figured she'd like it after waiting in the Eva cages for about an hour and a half."
Misato gave a wide, dazzling smile as she accepted the pizza from Rei. "Thank you," Misato chired happily. Rei said nothing as she turned and walked along the route towards the exit of the Geofront.
Apparently Misato was ravenous as she tore open the pizza box and almost instantaneously took a bite of the plain cheese pizza. "May I have some, Misato-san?" Shinji asked as Misato chewed.
Misato began to nod but suddenly stopped and collapsed onto the floor.
Shinji rushed over to Misato and stood above her, shaking her. "Misato-san!" Shinji pleaded. "Misato-san! Misato-san!" Was the pizza made by an awful cook or had Rei tried to poison Misato for some reason?
Shinji's question was answered when two men in black walked into the room and picked up Misato and carried her away, despite Shinji's protesting. He found himself alone in the Eva cages, where he sat for several dumbfounded minutes. Eventually Shinji got himself together and entered Misato's apartment alone.
All she wanted was pizza.
x-x-x-x-x
"Thank you, Rei," Gendo said as he tied Misato to a post. Rei simply nodded and exited his office through the elevator.
Misato's eyelids flickered as she woke up to Gendo's twisted face.
"You," Gendo said, pointing a finger very close to Misato's eyes. "Because of the destruction you caused to a certain adolescent's house, I will now keep you tied to a post for a month without food and water."
"A month?" Misato gaped. "I'll die!"
"Exactly my point," Gendo said, folding his hands into The Pose (TM). "Because of your antics, SEELE has decided to fuck with me. Now I'll fuck with you."
Misato groaned. Gendo takes the flapping mouths of SEELE too seriously.
x-x-x-x-x
The next day at school, Shinji decided to approach Rei about the pizza incident. "Why did you give Misato-san the poisoned pizza?" He asked Rei, who was sitting at her desk.
Rei looked up at Shinji with her one non-bandaged eye. "I did it because the Commander told me to."
Shinji frowned. "So basically, you'd do anything he says?"
Rei nodded. "I'm a doll," she said bluntly.
Shinji's frown deepened. Such a beautiful girl was becoming one of the bastard king's brainwashed minions. He had to do something about this once school got out for the day. "Well, I'll see you later, Ayanami," Shinji said as he walked away from Rei's desk.
Kensuke was sitting at the back of the classroom alone. Both Hikari and Toji were absent.
"Where's Toji?" Shinji asked Kensuke. He already knew that Hikari probably wasn't coming to school for a while due to the whole incident with her house.
"He said he was too intelligent to come to school," Kensuke explained. "I hope he actually starts coming again. He could get into trouble if he's absent for too long."
Shinji nodded in agreement as Sensei walked into the room. Sensei's apple was still missing from it's original spot on his desk. There was no class representative around today to begin the usual routine, but people sat in their places anyways.
"Good morning class," said Sensei, beginning today's lesson on a certain school subject. "It appears the class representative is absent. How unfortunate. Maybe she died." Sensei cackled, causing the entire class, including Rei, to stare at him in surprise. They'd never seen a teacher wish illness upon a student.
"Err, S-S-Sensei," a random girl nervously stuttered, "is something w-wrong?"
"I feel like I forgot to do something apple-related yesterday," Sensei said, "but let's not worry about that now. Let's heighten our spirits and get onto the subject of Second Impact!"
The entire class focused it's attention on Sensei, waiting for more odd behavior to arise. Never before had Second Impact class gotten them all so interested in something.
"So," Sensei began, "for two weeks after Second Impact occured, the world's temperature rapidly-WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT HAPPENED TO THE APPLE THAT HAS RESIDED ON MY DESK FOR FOUR YEARS?"
In three seconds, the class turned its attention towards Shinji and Kensuke like they were very bright and shiny beacons.
Sensei pointed an accusing finger at Shinji. "You..." Sensei snarled. "You had something to do with this, didn't you?" Sensei's eyes began to glow red as he prepared to shoot lasers.
Oh shit.
x-x-x-x-x
-A/N-
Despite this chapter being less funny than I would have liked it to, I think it's a pretty good start. The next chapter will be much funnier, I promise!
Whether you love or hate what there is of this fanfic so far, please review!