Chapter 1: The First Step

Anders stepped out onto the dark, deserted deck of the Wicked Grace. It had been four weeks since they fled Kirkwall: Hawke, Isabela, Varric, Merrill, and Aveline. All his friends and companions, even Fenris. All homeless and on the run now, because of what he had done. Yet they had mostly been kind to him, even though he could see the questions in their eyes every time they looked his way. How could you do it? Was it even you or was it Justice? And what will the spirit make you do next? They were scared of him, all except Hawke, whose belief in his friends simply couldn't be shattered.

And then there was Bethany, who had taken it upon herself to look after him, to keep him anchored to reality, to stop him from drifting off into the beckoning shades of the Void. If it hadn't been for her endless patience, her quiet, undemanding companionship, he didn't know what he would have done. Jumped overboard probably. Ended it all. Maker knew he had contemplated it even so, almost every night when he was alone up here, too haunted by his deeds to sleep.

As if she had been drawn here by his musings, she appeared on the ladder leading up from the ship's rump at this moment. She looked tousled and tired, but she was fully dressed and seemed unsurprised to see him up at this hour.

"Anders. I can't sleep either. Too many thoughts chasing each other, too many questions." Bethany sounded weary and despondent as she walked over to him and leaned over the railing.

Anders barely resisted the urge to touch her face, to push back an errant strand of hair. "What's on your mind, Bethany? What is it that keeps you awake?"

She wrapped her arms tightly around her shivering torso and looked out over the still water. "There's so much I can't cope with. The chaos we left behind in Kirkwall. All the other mages, the apprentices. I wonder how many of them made it through the night alive. And Orsino..."

Anders tried to make out her features in the dim light. "So it's true. You were in love with him."

Bethany sighed and gave him the same answer she had given Kit. "I don't know about love, Anders. But I cared about him, and he about me. We needed each other to deal with the... situation in the Circle."

Anders nodded. "I can understand that, only too well." Oh yes, he remembered a time when a warm body and a sweet kiss had been all that kept him going. A crooked smile lifted up the corners of his expressive mouth. "But you should have seen Hawke's reaction when he first heard the rumours. We had to physically restrain him or he would have gone after Orsino."

She snorted, a very unladylike sound that made him chuckle. "Well, Kit's one to talk. If only half the tales we heard about him in the Gallows were true, he must have slept with most of Kirkwall."

Anders smirked, and she looked at him warily. When she spoke, there was an odd inflection in her voice. "Anders, please tell me you and Kit never..."

The mage laughed quietly. "No, we didn't, don't worry. Though he tried, and I'm not sure I could have resisted for long, had he really been determined. Your brother can be very... persuasive."

Bethany blushed briefly. "I know. He wasn't like that before he joined the army, but when he returned... I don't know why, but he seems to be quite irresistible."

Anders raised his head and looked her in the eye. "Well, he's charming and funny and full of life. And he's easy on the eyes. The good looks run in the family, you know."

Her blush deepened. "Well, yes, I guess Kit is quite handsome-"

"And you are beautiful, Bethany." The sudden passion in his voice took her by surprise. "So beautiful..."

Somehow all his guards broke down when he saw her standing there in the pale light of the moon, her dark hair blowing in the soft breeze, her golden brown eyes so sad. He pulled her close and caught her lips in a long kiss that started out sweet and tender but rapidly turned more heated, more passionate. Bethany could feel his desire as he pressed her against his long, lean body and she trembled as his hands came up to caress her back. She adored those hands, so long and dexterous and so graceful when they were weaving spells. When they moved to her front and cupped her breasts she moaned and rubbed against him like a kitten, begging for more.

Somehow Anders managed to break the kiss, to let go of her pliant body. He was breathing heavily, but he took a step back and shook his head. "This is... wrong, Beth, we can't... Justice..."

She frowned. "What about him? I haven't seen much of him since we left Kirkwall."

Anders shivered. "He's lying low, I think. But make no mistake, he's still there. And I don't think there's anything to be done about it. He's part of me now."

Bethany swallowed and nodded. "Not a good idea, then." She turned to walk away but stopped for a moment to look back at him before she went down. "I'm sorry, Anders. This... doesn't mean we can't be friends any more, does it?"

He shook his head. "No, it doesn't. I need you to be my friend. And I'm the one who should be sorry." Except he wasn't, not really. Holding her, kissing her, had been the most beautiful thing to happen to him in years. But he couldn't do that to her. He had ruined her life sufficiently already. "Good night, Beth."

"Good night." Her face was sad as she disappeared down the ladder and Anders felt his heart constrict painfully. No, not a good idea.

Almost a week had passed since their nightly encounter. It was late at night, and almost everyone had gone to sleep when Anders heard a soft scraping noise at the door to his cabin. Most of the others shared accommodation in the cramped space on board the ship, but Kit had made sure Anders had a cabin to himself, albeit a tiny one. No one should be forced to live in close quarters with the abomination, he thought bitterly. But he was grateful for the privacy, when the nightmares came and he awoke sweat-soaked and hoarse from crying in his sleep.

The door opened almost soundlessly. His breath caught in his throat when he realized it was Bethany. She wasn't wearing her heavy circle robes, only a thin white linen shirt and dark blue leggings. It made her look younger, more vulnerable. She closed the door behind her and walked over to where Anders was sitting on his bunk bed, huddled up with his arms around his knees and his back to the wall. He had taken off his feathered robes and buckled boots and was clad only in dark green breeches and a dark shirt. He looked pale and drawn; the stubble on his face emphasized his hollowed cheeks.

Bethany made no move to touch him, didn't even look him in the eye, but sat down on the bed next to him and stared into space.

"Beth, you shouldn't..." He was scared by the intensity of the feelings her presence had awoken in him, but she ignored him and began to talk, her voice almost toneless.

"Back in Kirkwall before I went into the Gallows... I had such a crush on you, Anders. You were... mysterious and fascinating and so full of passion. And I admired you so much, for your courage in escaping the Circle, and for what you did for Justice." Undeterred by his bitter laugh she went on. "No, really. It was such a brave and kind thing to do for a friend. I looked up to you and I dreamed about you, and sometimes..." She turned to him now, and he saw the question in her eyes. "Sometimes I thought you cared about me too."

He brought his hand up to her cheek, stroking the soft rosy skin so gently she hardly felt his touch. "Oh, Beth. You were so young and so sweet, and I envied you for having grown up free, for having a family who loved you and took care of you. Next to you I felt old and jaded and corrupted. Tainted. Well, I am, aren't I?" Again the bitterness rose in his throat like bile. "And then you went with the Templars, voluntarily, and I was so angry at you for throwing away your life like that! More than anything I wanted to whisk you away, take you out of their reach, but... I didn't have anything to offer you, Beth, and I don't have now."

She took his hand and breathed a kiss on his palm that made him shiver, then proceeded to paint small circles on his skin, keeping her gaze averted. "I don't care, Anders. Since last week, I... I can't stop thinking about you." She swallowed. "Every night when I'm lying in my bed I feel your lips on mine, your hands on my body and I..."

She sat up and faced him, her lips so close to his he could feel her soft breath on his cheeks. "I want you. I want to be with you, I want you to kiss me again. Please."

It was more than he could bear. With a tiny desperate noise, he grabbed her head, buried his hand in her hair and brought her lips to his in a kiss full of hunger and longing. "Beth..."

She moved over to straddle him and his hands found her full breasts, almost of their own accord. When he caressed her straining nipples through the thin fabric, she gasped for air and pulled back, throwing off the offending garment with an impatient noise. He groaned at the sight of her, so beautiful, so perfect. Her hands were tugging at the laces of his shirt now, exposing pale freckled skin that formed goosebumps under her gentle caress. When her fingers moved down and brushed over his pants, he bucked up and stifled a cry, nearly undone by her touch.

"You first," he moaned against her neck, "or I won't..."

He pushed her back and let her body sink down on the narrow bed, his hands trailing across her stomach. She whimpered and arched into his touch, even though he hadn't used any magic. He wanted this to be pure, to be real, just the feel of her skin on his, but it was as electric as any spell he could have cast. With a shudder, he realized he could feel her power sizzling under her skin without any conscious effort on his part. It had been so long since he had been with another mage, not since the hasty fumblings in the Tower at Kinloch, and this was completely different. She was his equal in skill, and her mana reserves surpassed his by far. To feel all this barely contained energy, to taste the unique flavour of her magic, subtly different from his own, was so incredibly intoxicating that he was trembling helplessly by the time they were both naked.

Bethany could feel it too, he could tell, and for a split second, he wondered if it had been like this for her with Orsino, but then the sight of her gorgeous body, the scent of her arousal and the small sweet sounds she was making drove all conscious thought from his mind. His lips were nuzzling her breasts while his hand moved up her thigh, parting her legs, opening her up for him. By the time his fingers found her heat she was already wet, pushing up impatiently into his hand. It took all his experience and control to hold back, but he forced himself to take his time, to stroke and tease her within an inch of her orgasm before he took her, because he knew he wouldn't last long once he felt her all around him.

When he finally slid deep inside her, she cried out and grabbed his shoulders, her hips moving up to meet him. He closed his eyes and fought for control, but she was writhing under him, struggling to bring her body closer to him, and suddenly he felt her clench all around him, heard her small helpless mewl of release, and he lost it completely. With just a few powerful strokes into her hot, tight core he came, crying out her name, losing himself in her eyes, tumbling deep into the sweet moment of oblivion she gave him, accepting her gift with utter gratitude.

Afterwards he couldn't let go of her body, held her tight to his gaunt, shivering frame, unable to give up her warmth and strength. "Maker forgive me for saying it, but... I love you, Beth. You are the only thing that keeps me going. If it hadn't been for you-"

She buried her face against his neck. Her hands played with the loose strands of his red-golden hair. "I love you too, Anders. I'm scared of Justice and scared of what the future will bring, but we'll find a way. We have to."

Anders' voice sounded bitter. "So you'd give your heart to a murderer? One who has countless innocent lives on his conscience?"

She kissed him softly. "And how many have you saved? How many can you still save if you go on living? I'll give my heart to a healer. A caring man. A good man. And yes, to a man who made a terrible mistake that can't just be brushed aside. But Anders, I do understand, more than you think. Remember, I lived in the Circle for more than six years. I know firsthand about the abuse, about the constant fear of being made tranquil, the temptation to give in to the demons. I know what you were trying to do, and I know why you did it, even if the way you went about it was utterly wrong."

Anders swallowed. Hawke will kill me, but Maker help me, I can't refuse what she is offering. "So you'd give me a chance to redeem myself? I don't know where to start. I have made such a mess of everything."

Bethany kissed him and pulled him closer. "Love me, Anders. Be the good man you know you can be. And consider this the first step toward redemption."

Hugs and thanks to zevgirl for another awesome beta job! And thank you to the lovely morovv, for painting the cover picture for me.