Synopsis
: 'X-Men 2: Sinister Intentions' is MSTed by Mike, Crow and Tom.Author's notes
: I saw this fic on FanFiction.net some time ago, and I think it's since been taken off, but not before I downloaded and MSTed it. (Smiles evilly.)Author(s)
: 'X-Men 2: Sinister Intentions' by T499Eagle. MSTing by Mistie.Archiving
: Yes, with permission.MYSTERY SCIENCE FANFIC 2001
'X-MEN 2: SINISTER INTENTIONS'
*******************************************************************************************
In the not-to-distant futureSomewhere in time and space
Mike Nelson and his robot pals are caught in an endless chase.
Pursued by a woman who's name is Pearl
An evil gal who wants to rule the world
She threw a few things in her purse and with her rocket ship she hunts him all across the universe.
(Pearl: I'll get you!)
Pearl: I'll find a cheesy fanfic
The worst one online
(Lalala)
He'll have to sit and read it all and I'll monitor his mind
Now keep in mind Mike can't control where the fanfic begins or ends
(Lalala)
He tries to keep his sanity with the help of his robot friends.
Robot roll call
Cambot!
Gypsy!
Tom Servo!
Crooooow!
If you're wondering how he eats and breaths
And other science facts
(Lalala)
Then repeat to yourself 'it's just a show, I should really just relax'
For Mystery Science Fanfic 2000
(Mike: And one!)
1…2…3…4…5…6…
INT. THE SATELLITE OF LOVE
Crow and Tom are playing checkers on the counter. Mike is nowhere to be seen.
Tom: King!
Crow: It beats me how you can win with no working arms.
Tom: Simple. I cheat.
Crow: Oh that makes…HEY!
Mike enters.
Mike: Hi guys, and welcome to the satellite, everyone else.
Crow: Mike, what did we say about talking to the invisible people?
Mike: What invisible people?!
Tom: [Sighs] Are you mixing medications again?
Mike: Medications?! What are you talking about?! Where am I??? WHO am I? Who are YOU? Is Nixon still president?!
The mad light flashes. Mike has become a cowering wreck.
Crow: Why don't you get that, armless wonder?
Tom: Oh very funny.
INT. PEARL'S CASTLE
Pearl: Hellooooo, my little cherubs. How are things on Cloud 9?
INT. SOL
Tom: Not great.
Crow: Could be better.
Mike: Stay away from me, Dan Quayle!
INT. CASTLE
Pearl: Like I care. Anyway, I was reading this parenting magazine and it said that you shouldn't subject your children to mindless TV 24/7, so this week we're trying something different.
INT. SOL
Crow: [Hopeful] No movie?
Tom: Snicker bars for everyone?
Mike: No more Reaganomics?
INT. CASTLE
Pearl: Guess again, Nelson. You're going to sit down and read a crappy fan fic for once. [Scolding mother.] And you are going to like it! Brain guy, send the fanfic.
The Observer is nowhere to be seen.
Pearl: Brain guy? Oh that's right, I let Bobo practice his voodoo curses on him last week. Read it and weep, Nelson.
Pearl does the kooky telepathic thing and sends the fanfic.
INT. SOL
Fanfic sign sounds.
Everyone: FANFIC SIGNNNNNNN!!!
6…5…4…3…2…1
INT. THEATER
Everyone takes their seat.
X-MEN 2: Sinister Intentions
Crow: X-Men…it can't be too bad.
Professor Charles Xavier………………………………………………………………………………..Patrick Stewart
Crow: Okay, maybe I was wrong.
Wolverine/Logan………………………………………………………………………………………...Hugh Jackman
Cyclops/Scott Summers………………………………………………………………………………...James Marsden
Crow: I was definitely wrong.
Jean Grey……………………………………………………………………………………………….Famke Janssen
Storm/Ororo Monroe……………………………………………………………………………………….Halle Berry
Crow: [Halle Berry] Do you know what happens to a toad when it gets—
[The others pounce on him and clamp his beak shut.]
Rogue……………………………………………………………………………………………………..Anna Paquin
Tom: Watch a British girl do a fake accent! It's funny!
Gambit/Remy LeBeau………………………………………………………………………………...Freddie Prinze Jr.
Mike: Noooooo way…
Tom: All right, going on record right now…
Crow: This author is an idiot.
Beast/Henry McCoy…………………………………………………………………………..Voice of Leonard Nimoy
Mr. Sinister/Nathaniel Essex……………………………………………………………………………Michael Wincott
Cain Marko/Juggernaut………………………………………………………………………………...Dolph Lundgren
Mike: One…four…I count six crappy actors so far.
Crow: And we're not even halfway through the credits.
Tom: I have a bad feeling about this.
En Sabah Nur/Apocalypse……………………………………………………...Paul Wight (Voice of James Earl Jones)
Crow: Speaking of bad feelings…
Mike: [Darth Vader] Luuuuuke…I will be played by a bratty blond boy everyone wants to kill in The Phantom Menace.
George………………………………………………………………………………………………Tommy Lee Jones
Airbag……………………………………………………………………………………………………Michael Dorn
Slap……………………………………………………………………………………………………….Lou Ferrigno
Ruckus………………………………………………………………………………………………………...Brad Pitt
Vertigo…………………………………………………………………………………………………….Jessica Alba
Crow: Who the HELL are those people?
Mike: Mr. Sinister's gang, I think…
Tom: That's definitely the best role Brad Pitt is going to be offered for a long, long time.
Morph………………………………………………………………………………………………………Jim Carrey
Jubilee/Jubilation Lee………………………………………………………………………………………….Trica Joe
Crow: Oh she's good in anything.
President Robert Jackson………………………………………………………………………………...Harrison Ford
Tom: So the X-Men have to save the president on Air Force One?
Mike: It would be better than this fanfic.
Magneto/Erik Lennsherr…………………………………………………………………………………..Ian McKeller
Crow: Who the hell is Ian McKeller?
Mike: Ian McKellan, but only when the author couldn't be bothered to look at the credits from X-Men.
Mystique/Raven Darkholme…………………………………………………………………...Rebecca Romijn-Stamos
Crow: The naked lady!
Sabertooth/Victor Creed……………………………………………………………………………………Tyler Mane
Crow: The wrestler!
Toad/Mortimer Toynbee………………………………………………………………………………………Ray Park
Crow: Darth Maul!
Slash……………………………………………………………………………………………………Matthew Kerns
Mike: I sense an author avatar looming…
Crow: [Cowering] No…make it stop…
Police Officer # 1…………………………………………………………………………………………..Iain Gardner
Computer………………………………………………………………………………………………..William Kilmer
President Jackson's Secretary…………………………………………………………………………….Nancy Hirsch
Dr. James Carville………………………………………………………………………………………...Russ Crandol
Ms. Michelle Joyner…………………………………………………………………………………….Marybeth Huntt
Mike: Marybeth Huntt is Ms. Michelle.
News Anchor…………………………………………………………………………………………….Jenny Carman
Girl #1……………………………………………………………………………………………………..Erin Kessler
OFFICIAL DISCLAIMER
Tom: Warning: This fanfic should not be read without the aid of massive amounts of sedatives.
All the characters (minus all the extras) are all property of Marvel, and I am just using them. OK??
Crow: No it is NOT okay!
And just to let you know, the extras are my own personal friends. This is my dream cast and script. I know there is like no chance that this will ever be made into the real X-Men 2.
Mike: Gee, ya think?
So I submit it to you for your enjoyment.
Crow: [Sarcastic to the max] Oh gosh, you're too kind.
Also, I appreciate anything to improve on the script.
[Crow opens his mouth.]
Mike: No, Crow. There are some riffs too obvious even for us.
Crow: Doh!
The casting is set.
X-MEN 2: Sinister Intentions
Tom: In case you missed the title the last time we blared it in 18-point type.
Darkness fades. It is evening in New York City.
Crow: Okay, so if it's evening, how is the darkness FADING?
Mike: Just shut up and go with it.
Police are seen everywhere, checking I.D.'s or just patrolling. Overhead, a figure with something strapped to his back flies over the police.
Mike: And runs smack into Spiderman.
It is SLASH. (He is a newly created mutant, so that ROGUE will be able to fly and have superhuman strength like in the comic book).
Mike: Or so the author can gratuitously stick his booty into the story with a crappy add-on character.
Tom: Hear hear.
SLASH enters an office building and drops on top of several guards and overpowers them with his strength. He descends the stairwell down two levels
Crow: …where he finds Mulder and Scully in the book depository.
to a windowsill.
As SLASH pulls out his sniper rifle (strapped to his back), the camera pans down to reveal a parade in progress. One car catches the attention of the camera; it is the PRESIDENT ROBERT JACKSON.
Mike: [Slash] Indiana Jones!
SLASH hovers in the air as he pulls out his sniper rifle. He hesitates and then VERTIGO appears in his mind.
VERTIGO: Complete your mission. Remember your wife Slash. Remember how Robert Jackson condemned her to her death. EXACT YOUR REVENGE!
Crow: Mike? I just had a trippy feeling that we landed in the middle of a bad comic book knockoff masquerading as a crappy screenplay.
Mike: Weird, I have the same feeling.
SLASH continues to prepare the weapon and the loads it. As he set weapon on the window and prepares to fire, he takes out a picture of he and his wife.
Tom: Okay, so first he's hovering, now he's inside, and if he can fly why doesn't he just HOVER and shoot the president? I mean this makes NO SENSE WHATSOEVER! It's MADNESS—
[Mike reaches over and swats Tom upside the head. His head bubble falls off.]
Tom: Thanks, I needed that.
Crow: Huh, usually Servo doesn't go nuts until a least halfway through a flick.
Tom: But this is fanfiction.
Crow: Yech…you got a point there.
Mike: Speaking of which, guys?
Crow and Tom: Sorry.
[They all focus back at the screen.]
SLASH: This one's for you, my love, for what they did to you.
Pauses. Raises finger to the trigger. He sets up his sites.
Mike: Yeah, those sound-alike words are a pain in the ass.
Crow: If you're an idiot.
Tom: Which we've already established this author is.
CYCLOPS: (Off screen) I wouldn't do that if I were you.
[Crow starts singing the Batman theme.]
SLASH turns to see four figures. It is CYCLOPS, JEAN GREY, STORM and ROGUE.
CYCLOPS: We had a feeling you, as a mutant Navy SEAL, would use this opportunity to exact revenge. This is not the way to do it.
Mike: Oh, so it's backstory-by-hackneyed-dialogue.
Crow: The best kind.
SLASH: But…you don't know what they did to her. And all because of him! (Pointing to JACKSON)
Tom: He blew up my Death Star!
CYCLOPS: That doesn't justify murdering another human being.
Mike: If that human being is you, sure it does.
SLASH thinks about CYCLOPS'S words, then he peers out the window. The President's car has gone past and turned around a corner.
Tom: [Dark Helmet] FOOLED YOU!
The rage builds on SLASH'S face.
SLASH: (Exploding) YOU X-MEN WILL PAY FOR THIS!
Crow: We accept Visa and American Express.
Mike: Crow, what did I say about the painfully obvious riffs?
Crow: Uhhh…they're fun and highlight how pathetic the story is?
Mike: Good boy.
CYCLOPS sets visor to blast him, but SLASH ducks and hits him in the head with the butt of the rifle. CYCLOPS falls unconscious.
[Everyone cheers.]
JEAN tends to him.
[Everyone boos.]
STORM prepares to summon her lightening, but SLASH grabs her feet, swings her around, and throws her against JEAN, knocking them both out.
Mike: WOOHOO!
Only ROGUE is left. She knows she cannot take SLASH alone. He senses it.
Mike: [Obi-Wan Kenobi in The Phantom Menace.] I sense it. Why can't you?
SLASH: Now pretty girl, are you scared of me? Come on now. I'll even give you a free hit.
ROGUE appears terrified, but a shadow is seen moving behind SLASH. It is WOLVERINE, in street clothes. She fixes her gaze on him.
Tom: [Slash] Is there someone sneaking up behind me, by any chance?
WOLVERINE: No one messes with my friends like that and gets away with it!
Crow: Bub.
SLASH turns in time to see WOLVERINE with his claws extended. SLASH flies up to avoid him. WOLVERINE hits the floor with a thud, but quickly gets up and battles with SLASH. SLASH attempts to use the rifle as a club, but WOLVERINE slashes it into two pieces.
Everyone: [Scott Evil] Ripoff!
SLASH immediately knocks WOLVERINE back with it. WOLVERINE momentarily gets the wind knocked out of him.
Crow: Come ON, this is WOLVERINE we're talking about!
Tom: Author insertions. Go figure.
SLASH then pulls out a knife and puts it to ROGUE'S neck. He takes his other hand across her chest.
Crow: I'd—
[Mike clamps his beak shut again.]
ROGUE is terrified. WOLVERINE looks up.
SLASH: What'll it be huh? You want me to kill her?
WOLVERINE: (Never taking his eyes off SLASH) It's me you want chump.
Tom: Bub.
(Talking to ROGUE)
It'll be OK Rogue. I'll get you out of this. Stay calm.SLASH suddenly has a realization.
Mike: [Slash] I'm a badly written Gary Stu character! I should kill myself!
SLASH: Oh I see. She's your GIRLFRIEND!
Tom: Ennnnh. Wrong. But thanks for playing.
SLASH throws the knife down, turns her around, and puts his hands on ROGUE'S face. Before WOLVERINE can do anything, he proceeds to plant a kiss on ROGUE despite her attempts to resist. Then, ROGUE'S powers come into play. SLASH pulls his lips off hers, but does not release his hands.
SLASH: AAAAAHH! NOOOOOO!
SLASH cries out again in pain.
Crow: You think?
ROGUE is frozen.
Crow: [Jean Grey] I TOLD you this would happen if you went out with Iceman!
SLASH turns completely white and falls to the floor, dead. The other team members awaken just as SLASH hits the floor.
Mike: [Church Lady] How conveeeeeeenient.
Now, it is ROGUE who is in fury. She takes a pistol off SLASH, and the knife.
ROGUE: Now you are mine!
ROGUE attempts to rush them, but JEAN uses her telepathy to stop ROGUE. WOLVERINE comes behind ROGUE.
Crow: Ugh, these caps are giving me a headache.
Mike: Apparently the author thinks we won't remember who's who unless he writes real big.
WOLVERINE: Sorry kid. I hate to do this.
Tom: Then let me. I'd relish it.
WOLVERINE hits ROGUE in the head, and she goes unconscious.
Everyone: Yay!
The rest of the team rushes to assist ROGUE and then turns to escape. But then police below hear the scuffling and have rushed upstairs.
POLICE OFFICER # 1: Hold it right there! You're under arrest!
Tom: For illegal parking!
Just then, a charged playing card lands in front of the police, creating an explosion, knocking the officer down. A shadowy figure jumps down from behind the X-Men. It is GAMBIT.
GAMBIT: Hello folks. Me see you needed some help.
[Mike groans.]
Mike: The cheese factor in this fic just went up by an order of ten.
Crow: The author's going to butcher Gambit, I know it!
[Mike pats Crow's head net.]
Mike: [Sad parent.] Yes, honey, I'm afraid so.
WOLVERINE: You from down south?
GAMBIT: Yep. New Orleans Loosiana.
Tom: Which is right near Louisiana.
Crow: Only it doesn't have any commas.
WOLVERINE: Thanks…Cajun.
Mike: Bub.
GAMBIT: Anytime my friend. I think your girl may need some help (motioning to ROGUE).
CYCLOPS and JEAN carefully place ROGUE over WOLVERINE shoulders, and they all head down the stairs.
CYCLOPS: I don't want anyone to know she is a mutant.
Crow: Although we have two doctors and a fully functioning medical lab back home, we have to take her to a hospital.
GAMBIT: Then I know just the person you wanna see.
WOLVERINE (panting): Just make it fast Cajun. Our girl seems to have put on a little weight.
Tom: [Cheri Oteri] Oooo diss.
They exit the building. WOLVERINE stops to catch his breath. GAMBIT comes up behind him.
GAMBIT: Here, lemme help ya with your Cherie.
Tom: This is the same Wolverine as in the first movie, right?
Crow: I dunno…he could just be a really good wussy double.
GAMBIT takes ROGUE's right arm over his shoulder, while WOLVERINE does the same with ROGUE's left arm.
Mike: Everybody got that? Good.
GAMBIT: (Looking into ROGUE's face) Man she sure is a pretty thing. Like the prettiest flower down in Nawlens. Better than all those women Gambit seen on da bayou.
Tom: OW!
Mike: What?
Tom: I just got smacked in the face by a heavy-handed setup.
WOLVERINE: Well, she is a deadly poison, Cajun. I'd be careful with this flower.
Crow: Bub.
GAMBIT points them to an ambulance. The door swings wide open to reveal a blue, hairy figure. It is BEAST.
BEAST: What have we here my southern friend?
GAMBIT: We gotta girl who need you help Henry.
Crow: Behold the commaless Cajun wonder.
BEAST: I shall try my best.
Mike: Set phasers to stun.
BEAST makes a quick check of ROGUE.
BEAST: I can do nothing here. I need proper medical facilities. Head for Mercy Hospital; it's only a mile from here.
CYCLOPS: I'll drive. (CYCLOPS jumps into the driver's seat)
Crow: Oh no, One-Eye! We remember what happened the last time you drove!
CYCLOPS starts the ambulance and burns rubber.
BEAST: Turn right up here.
CYCLOPS turns left.
BEAST: Where are we going? I said we must go to Mercy!
Tom: [Beast] Oh my stars and garters!
Mike: [Spock] This is highly illogical!
JEAN: We have a special treatment center for mutants. (Pause)
Mike: [Makes sound of crickets chirping.]
Tom: [Makes wind noises.]
An uneasy peace settles over the ambulance as all the members in the back check out their new counterparts. JEAN breaks the ice.
JEAN: Might I inquire your names?
Mike: [William Shatner] Spoooooock…
BEAST: My name is Dr. Henry McCoy. But my friends call me Beast. This (motioning to GAMBIT) is Gambit.
Crow: We don't need code names, since we're in no way superheroes, but we have them anyway. Deal with it.
We became mutual acquaintances after I helped him out while I was down in New Orleans for a medical conference.
STORM: I am Storm.
Crow: [Storm] Do you know what happens to a—
Mike: CROW!
(Pointing to each one)
This is Jean Grey, Wolverine, and Rogue. That's CyclopsCrow: …AKA Dorkmeister…
at the helm of this ambulance.
BEAST: It is a pleasure to meet you. (CYCLOPS stops the ambulance). Why are we stopping?
CYCLOPS: Don't you think that this vehicle would get us to our place a lot faster? (Pointing to the Blackbird)
Mike: [Beast] Well, maybe, I dunno.
BEAST: (Mouth opens wide when he sees the plane) Impressive.
Crow: [Beast] I've never seen one with wings before!
CYCLOPS, JEAN, STORM, and GAMBIT rush onto the plane and prepare for takeoff. WOLVERINE helps BEAST get ROGUE onto the plane.
WOLVERINE: (Whispering in ROGUE's ear) Hold on girl. Hang in there. You're going to be all right.
Mike: Bub.
The Blackbird takes off. PROFESSOR CHARLES XAVIER's face appears on the monitor in front of STORM.
XAVIER: What happened? Did we stop Slash?
Tom: [Storm] Slash? Who's Slash?
Mike: [Professor X] Ahem.
Tom: [Storm] OH, the contrived and unnecessary avatar-type person. Right.
STORM: Yes, but prepare the infirmary. Rogue had a run with him, and she is still unconscious.
XAVIER: What about the President?
Crow
: [Storm] Yeah, ol' Amish Cop is fine.STORM: He is safe.
Mike: Until the next giant rock.
XAVIER: Good. The infirmary will be ready. And we await your arrival.
BEAST: (From behind JEAN) What an extraordinary aircraft! Who was that man on the screen?
Crow: [Storm] Captain Pic—never mind.
JEAN: That was Professor Charles Xavier. We are the X-Men.
Everyone: Well DUH!
BEAST: (Taken aback) The X-Men! Impressive. I have been searching for you for some time. Might I offer my services to your cause?
GAMBIT: (Excited) And me too!
Mike: [Gambit] I know how pants work!
CYCLOPS: Well, Xavier has the final say, but you did save us in there tonight. We owe you for that.
Blackbird screams off into the night, camera pans up into the sky and the intro begins.
Crow: Wait wait wait. We're twenty minutes into the film and NOW the credits start? What about those credits at the beginning??? I'm confused!
Tom: Join the club.
Camera pans down, revealing Xavier's School for the Gifted. Camera appears in the infirmary.
Mike: [Jean] Whoa! Check out that camera that just appeared.
Crow: Now who's doing painfully obvious riffs?
JEAN and BEAST are tending to ROGUE.
BEAST: Rogue has the most unusual power I have seen. And I am very impressed by these facilities.
Mike: [Beast] How many channels you get on this thing?
STORM: Yes, these are some of the finest medical facilities. Xavier wouldn't have it any other way to not be on the cutting edge of medical technology.
Crow: More commas disappearing…it's an epidemic!
ROGUE begins to stir.
ROGUE: (weakly) Jean…Logan…somebody…
Mike: [Rogue] Hold me!
Tom and Crow: Eeewww.
BEAST: Yes, my young patient.
ROGUE first spots BEAST, and she is startled. But she turns to see JEAN.
STORM: Everything is all right now. This is Beast. He is a friend. He saved your life.
ROGUE: Thank you. You're one of us, aren't you?
Crow: Let's review here: He's built like Mr. Universe, is covered in fur, and is blue.
Tom: That Rogue…not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.
1…2…3…4…5…6…
INT. SOL
Mike and Crow stand slowly shaking their heads.
Mike: Whew.
Crow: As far as bad fanfics go…
Mike: Whew.
Tom rockets in wearing a pair of boxers over his head bubble with eyeholes punched in them and a cape.
Tom: I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Mike and Crow look at him askance.
Crow: Uh…what the hell?
Tom: I am Tom Servo, also known as Underwear Avenger!
Mike: Okay, Servo, ha ha, joke's over.
Tom turns on Mike.
Tom: No one messes with my friends and gets away with it!
Crow: Bub.
Mike: CROW! You're not helping!
Tom leaps at Mike and latches on to his throat.
Tom: This one's for you, my love, for what they did to you!
Mike: AHHHH! Help!
He thrashes wildly out of the frame, Servo still attached to his jugular. Crow looks after them then shrugs and picks up an X-Men comic.
COMMERCIALS
INT. SOL
Crow is reading another comic book. A deep pile of discarded issues has risen behind him.
Crow: Kitty with Nightcrawler? No way!
Gasps and grunts of pain can be heard, then Mike and Tom stagger back into the frame, blood spilling down the front of Mike's jumpsuit and Tom's underwear headdress askew. Tom is still attached to Mike's throat. Both are worn out from the tussle.
Crow: Oh hi Mike.
Mike: First…time…in my life…wishing for…fanfic sign…
Tom: [Muffled] Oh…I see…she's your…GIRLFRIEND!
Crow: You're not gonna try to kiss me, are you?
Fanfic sign sounds. Crow waits for a moment, but neither Tom nor Mike has the energy to yell.
Crow: Whatever…FANFIC SIGNNNNNN….
6…5…4…3…2…1…
INT. THEATER
Mike, Crow and Tom enter, Tom still attached to Mike. Mike yanks him off with a squishy sound.
Tom: Sorry about that.
[Mike takes off the boxers and tosses them away.]
Mike: Don't mention it.
JEAN enters
.BEAST: To say that I am a mutant is correct.
Tom: To say that I am a moron is even more correct.
JEAN: How do you feel? You drained him to where he's a vegetable now.
Crow: Oh my god…Beast is a vegetable?
Tom: A blueberry is more like it.
Mike: No no no! SLASH is a vegetable!
[Tom and Crow look at him.]
Crow: Well we knew that, Mike. Jeez.
Tom: Sir Snap-a-Lot over here.
ROGUE: (Sitting up) He just would not let go. And now I can hear him, feel his anger.
JEAN: A few sessions with the professor will take care of that. Now how do you feel physically?
ROGUE: Honestly, I don't feel much different.
Mike: Except for the demonic possession, of course.
Suddenly, JEAN "sees" CYCLOPS trapped under a crate.
[Everyone cheers and whistles.]
JEAN: Cyclops is in trouble. We have to help him!
Tom: To the Blackbird!
[Mike and Crow lean over and knock him out of his seat.]
Tom: OW!
Immediately, ROGUE flies out of the bed, and is out of the infirmary. JEAN, STORM and BEAST are stunned.
BEAST: Incredible!
STORM: And I thought I was the only X-Man who could fly…
Crow: No, you're the only X-Man who's a bigger dork that Cyclops.
JEAN leads BEAST and STORM to where CYCLOPS is, but finds CYCLOPS safe with ROGUE.
CYCLOPS: That box weighed over a ton.
Mike: [Cyclops] It had my Ding-Dong stash in it.
How'd you manage to pull that off me?
ROGUE: I don't know. I just did.
JEAN: You must have absorbed Slash's powers completely when you drained him of his life force.
Crow: [Making a cross with his arms] The power of Christ compels you!
What powers did he have?
XAVIER: (Entering) He had flying ability, and superhuman strength. In addition, the Navy trained him in Special Warfare. Seems you've picked up quite a new ability Rogue.
Mike: [Deep British voice] I am Xavier of the Backstory. I see all and know all.
Crow: Pity we don't.
ROGUE: I didn't mean to Professor, honest. He just wouldn't let go. And I still hear him in my head. Can you anything to help me?
Crow: Drugs. Lots and lots of 'em.
XAVIER: All in good time.
Mike: [Xavier] Right now it's time for JAG.
STORM: (Nudging ROGUE) Guess I'm not the only X-Men anymore who can fly.
Tom: Mmmph!
Crow: Uh, Mike. [He nods in the direction of Servo's empty chair.]
Mike: Sorry, buddy. Knee-jerk reaction.
[He lifts Tom up and sets him back in his seat. Tom now has spots all over his head bubble.]
Crow: What is that on your head?
Tom: Movie theater gum.
Crow: Oh gross!
XAVIER: Other than that, did you enjoy your first mission as an X-Men?
Mike: Singulars? What are those?
ROGUE: Why yes. It was all Wolverine cracked it up to be.
CYCLOPS: (Muttering) I'll have to talk to him.
Mike: [Cyclops] Lousy scene-stealing jerk.
Crow: [Wolverine] You're a dick.
XAVIER: (Turning to BEAST) And we thank you for your help with Rogue.
Tom: Yeah, if you weren't here the fic might actually be decent.
BEAST: It was my pleasure. Despite this hairy appearance, I am a licensed physician. And a mutant much like yourself. We, Gambit and I, are quite willing to offer our services to your cause Xavier. We have heard much about the famed X-Men.
XAVIER: Well you and your friend Gambit are welcome to stay as long as you like.
Mike: [Xavier] And we trust you completely. The combination to the safe is 22-3-45-66, and here are the keys to the Blackbird.
GAMBIT (Entering with Wolverine): Do I hear mah name being called? I knew what that buzzin in my ear was about.
WOLVERINE: Mind if we join the party?
Crow: Bub.
(Pause. He sees ROGUE and turns to her)
You feeling better?ROGUE: Much. Thanks.
Mike: [Falsetto Rogue] But Ah can't date you anymore.
XAVIER: (Looking annoyed) Could we all move to somewhere else?
Crow: And change our names and get new identities, please please please?
CYCLOPS: Yeah. Come on Wolverine. You and me have an appointment in the Danger Room.
WOLVERINE: Oh yeah. You want some more sucker? I can best ya.
Tom: Bub.
Mike: Bub.
Crow: Bub. Plus no commas.
Mike: You da bot.
[They exchange high-fives.]
BEAST and GAMBIT: (Surprise expressions on their face) The Danger Room?
XAVIER: Oh yes. Now that you are our guests, you are entitled to some of our privileges. Cyclops, show then to the Danger Room.
CYCLOPS: Certainly.
BEAST: Even the name fascinates me. What is this "Danger Room?"
Mike: What is this Danger Room you speak of, Captain?
CYCLOPS: It's a training ground for some of our missions. That way, we learn to control our powers. Sometimes, we go head to head with another member of the team to further improve our skills. Come on in and watch.
Mike: [Cyclops] Watch me get my ass kicked, that is.
Doors close behind them. The door then changes into another door.
[Everyone jumps.]
Everyone: Gah!
MR. SINISTER walks through, leading APOCALYPSE, JUGGENAUT, EMMA FROST and PYRO. They are the Hellfire Club.
Crow: Hey wait a minute…
Mike: Oh, Crow, are you really surprised he didn't include ONE person who's actually a current member of the Hellfire Club?
Crow: Well…[deflates] no.
VERTIGO: You cannot say I didn't try and make him do it. He hesitated at first, but then the X-Men arrived.
Tom: Who's this? She's not on the character list in the stage directions.
Mike: That's because the author didn't change them from an earlier draft.
Tom: Well…DAMMIT.
SINISTER: Xavier's people have done it again! They stopped our deranged mutant from killing the man who is oppressing us.
Mike: Dirty Harry!
Crow: Harrison Ford wasn't Dirty Harry, you freaking idiot.
Mike: Hey! Excuuuuuse me.
Can't they see that it is only a matter of time before mutants will rule over the humans?
JUGGERNAUT: We need to stop the X-Men from further ruining our plans…
APOCALYPSE: But there is no way for them to stop us in our greater plan.
Tom: This…is CNN.
SINISTER: George, have you and your crew done what I asked?
GEORGE: Of course. It'll be fully ready in about a week. Jolly good work if I say so. Airbag and Slap did a knock up job.
APOCALYPSE: Good. Until then, we must distract Xavier's people.
Mike: [Apocalypse] I'll flash them.
Juggernaut, want to exact some revenge on your half brother?
JUGGERNAUT: I'm always ready to get back at that mind wimp Xavier.
Tom: [Arnold Schwarzenegger in Last Action Hero] Hello, I am Arnold Brunschwagger.
GEORGE: I know the rest of the gang would be up for a good scrap with those X-Men.
Tom: [Sam Gerard] And Dr…Richard…Kimble.
Mike: Okay, Tom, give the actor riffs a rest.
Tom: Awwww…
SLAP: Yeah. I want another piece at those X-Men.
Crow: Yeah, I think this time I'll do 'Death of a Salesmen'.
APOCALYPSE: But the X-Men must be left in the dark as long as possible. I propose to send in a mole to keep watch over them. How will we do that?
SINISTER: Leave that to me. We have a friend of theirs that they have not seen in a long while. Come out, (Pause) Morph.
Everyone: [Singing] Da da DUM!
MORPH enters, under some sort of mind control.
Crow: Not any particular kind. Just some sort.
SINISTER: Using Morph and my mind control device, we shall be able to spy on those losers, the X-men. HA HA!
Mike: Nelson Muntz?
JUGGERNAUT: And with the Nasty Boys,
Mike: No no no, Crow, Nasty Boys.
Tom: Same thing.
I will finally get to exact my revenge on Xavier!
APOCALYPSE: Well whatever happens, the end result must be that humans must die and mutants will rule the world. And our plan will demonstrate our power and at the same time, create chaos in the world…
Tom: And I will be the lion king! MWAHAHAHA!
Screen darkens and comes up on the same door we left earlier. ROGUE and STORM are walking outside the Danger Room.
ROGUE: How do you do it, I mean fly?
Mike: I mean walk?
STORM: It's not all that hard. It just kind of…happens. But you need to learn to control them.
Tom: [Chris Kattan as Antonio Banderas] Who are your friends, and what are their names?
ROGUE: Yeah, that's why the Professor…
At this, XAVIER enters.
XAVIER: It is time.
STORM: You'll be fine. The Professor will help you control your new powers as he has helped all of us. Actually, I think Scott needs my help. Good luck Rogue.
Crow: Don't get killed if you can help it.
Mike: Or do, we don't care.
ROGUE and XAVIER enter the Danger Room. The room is dark. Suddenly out of the darkness a voice calls.
COMPUTER: Welcome Professor. Which program do you wish to use?
XAVIER: Computer, alter all files pertaining to subject Rogue. Add new powers to train her. (He pushes on buttons. Room goes dark again)
[Mike makes a slap noise.]
Crow: [Falsetto] Professor! I'm not that kind of girl!
COMPUTER: Thank you professor.
Door opens. XAVIER leaves. He goes up to a room with a two-way mirror to watch her.
COMPUTER: Engaging Rogue1.
Lights come up. ROGUE is startled to see SLASH, but it's only a hologram.
Everyone: Thank GOD.
ROGUE turns away from SLASH, remembering his pain. XAVIER pulls up a microphone.
XAVIER: You must face yours and his fears.
Mike: Or you will be forced to listen to more painful cliches.
ROGUE thinks about this, and immediately turns and flies at SLASH. She hits him up hard.
Tom: So Rogue's a heroin dealer?
Crow: I can see it.
The SLASH hologram disappears, and ROGUE hovers with a smile on her face.
[Mike shields his eyes.]
Mike: Gah! Don't do that!
[After a moment he drops his hands.]
XAVIER smiles.
Mike: AH!
[He throws his hands up again.]
Suddenly, the door opens, and CYCLOPS, JEAN GREY, STORM, WOLVERINE, and BEAST enter. As the lights come up, holograms appear and all of them battle using their super powers. STORM and ROGUE team up to deliver an aerial attack on the drones. JEAN and CYCLOPS work together and WOLVERINE and BEAST grapple with robots using their hand-to-hand combat skills. This goes on for about five minutes, under a proud smiling XAVIER.
Mike: AH!
After they are done, all leave.
BEAST: What an INCREDIBLE EXPERIENCE!
Tom: [Beast] Almost as good as the time when I dropped two kinds of acid at once!
The scene changes to show ROGUE watching the other children play football on the lawn. WOLVERINE walks up behind her.
WOLVERINE: This seat taken?
ROGUE: No of course not. Have a seat. (He sits)
Mike: Yet another redundant sequence comes to a close.
WOLVERINE: Sorry about knocking ya on your head like that. In my day, a little ice woulda clear it up quick.
ROGUE: Yeah. Oh, I almost forgot. Here's your dogtags.
Tom: Woof.
(Taking them off from around her own neck. She then places them on WOLVERINE'S neck)
Everyone: Awwww.
I thought you might want them back. I kept them around my neck, so I could always remember you. I thought I'd never see you again.
WOLVERINE: I promised you I'd be back, especially for these babies.
Crow: Now I'm leaving again! Bye bye!
ROGUE: Where did you go?
WOLVERINE: Xavier told me of an old lab that was in the Canadian Rockies. I'm up from there, and it was difficult to find. But it seemed as if not to age. It seemed that as I walked in, a horrible sensation of dread…(He clenches his fist, and then his claws shoot out of his hands)
Mike: [Wolverine] Must…improve…grammar…
ROGUE: It's all right. I know how it made you feel. I share your feelings from when we touched, remember?
WOLVERINE: How could I forget?
Tom: Mike? I sense something subliminal here.
Mike: Shhh.
ROGUE: At least you have some sense of closure. I still have Slash's marbles up here. But I really like his mutant abilities. (Smirks) Watch this.
ROGUE waits until the child quarterback throws a Hail Mary pass deep down the field and in the air. She leaps up and flies and intercepts the football as it had started to come down. She flies to the end zone and begins to dance.
ROGUE: That's a touchdown I reckon.
GIRL #1: That's not fair! You're not allowed to use your mutant powers.
Everyone: [Sneezing] RIPOFF!
ROGUE: Sorry. Just testing them out. But here's your ball back.
The scene changes to night, and GAMBIT is looking out the window. ROGUE is walking by, and sees him staring out the window.
ROGUE: You look like you needed some company. Mind if I join you?
GAMBIT: You musta read mah mind. I coulda use soma company.
Crow: Okay, I give up. Where the HELL is his accent from? And WHERE is he hiding his commas???
ROGUE sits down next to him. Then she looks at him.
ROGUE: How come you were there? I mean, at the office building trying to stop Slash.
Mike: [Gambit] I was planning to rip the place off—I mean—ahem.
GAMBIT: (Pauses for answer) Well Cherie, I was there to stop him. I wus waiting until just the right moment. But then you showed up,
Crow: Be still my beating heart!
and then I didn't need to. (Pauses) Whas yo power that yo own friend hadta knock ya out?
Mike: Yo mama.
ROGUE: (Turns away) Well…I absorb the life force of all others. If they're a mutant, then I take their powers for a short time. (Pauses, and turns to him) What's yours?
GAMBIT: Well Cherie, I charge up inorganic objects ana I make em explode.
GAMBIT picks up a deck of cards, and pulls out the Ace of Spades.
GAMBIT: Watch and see my petite.
Mike: First one to tell me what's wrong with that sentence gets a candy.
GAMBIT "charges" the card and throws it at the gate. But before it reaches the gate, we hear the sound of metal being twisted. When the card reaches the gate, it hits something living. It is SLAP ripping apart the gate. Suddenly, GEORGE, VERTIGO, RUCKUS and AIRBAG appear behind him.
Crow: Straight off the Stupid Bus, the Plot Devices!
Mike and Tom: Woooo!
[Mike makes 'born to rock' signs against the screen.]
GAMBIT: Hey Cherrie, we got problems. Look like someona wanna get in here rel bad.
Crow: [Rogue] Gee, and I thought I was dim…
ROGUE: I'll wake the others. (ROGUE flies out of the room.)
GAMBIT: Sure is a fine woman. (He charges another card)
GAMBIT charges out into the field to stop JUGGERNAUT.
Mike: Who had just spontaneously appeared in the scene.
GAMBIT: Hey you, bayou scum, stop right there!
JUGGERNAUT: Why don't you stop me you wimp!
Crow: [Juggernaut] That's my insult for everything!
GAMBIT flings the card at JUGGERNAUT. It explodes and JUGGERNAUT is taken aback for a second.
JUGGERNAUT: (Laughing) Got anymore where that came from?
Mike: [Juggernaut] I don't like that card trick. Do another one.
Suddenly, from off screen comes an optic blast. It is CYCLOPS, STORM, WOLVERINE, BEAST, JEAN and XAVIER.
JUGGERNAUT: SO? The chicken decided to show his face?
XAVIER: Why do you always have to try and intimidate me?
Tom: [Schwarzenegger] Because I am Arnold—
Mike: Shut up.
JUGGERNAUT: WHY? YOU WERE ALWAYS HER FAVORITE! THAT'S WHY!
JUGGERNAUT rushes at XAVIER, but BEAST and WOLVERINE jump on him. But JUGGERNAUT throws them off.
Crow: No buts!
BEAST: (After he lands) What strength!
WOLVERINE: Yeah, but he ain't tasted these. (Extends claws)
Mike: They taste like chicken.
Tom: Mike, if I had arms I'd thwap you upside the head for that one.
CYCLOPS blasts JUGGERNAUT. JUGGERNAUT growls and smacks CYCLOPS away.
Everyone: Yay!
JEAN attempts to use mind control, but she cannot gain control.
Tom: Of her redundancies, that is.
JEAN: Storm use your powers!
Crow: [Storm] Do you know what—
Mike: Last warning, Goldy.
STORM: Powers of the arctic winds, I summon thee!
STORM attempts to freeze JUGGERNAUT, but manages to break free.
[Tom opens his mouth to speak, then stops.]
Tom: Why do I even bother?
Only JEAN is left between JUGGERNAUT and XAVIER. JEAN tries once more, but cannot stop him. JUGGERNAUT knocks JEAN against the outside wall. JUGGERNAUT is about to tackle XAVIER when fireworks knock JUGGERNAUT back. It is JUBILEE, a student still in training.
Crow: NOOOOOOO!
[He tries to bolt from the theater but Mike yanks him back by his head net.]
JUBILEE: LEAVE THEM ALONE!
XAVIER looked stunned. He recovers himself and sends a telepathic message.
XAVIER: "Get his helmet off. That's the only way to stop him.
Mike: Or offer him the part of the bad cop in a cheesy action movie.
STORM flies up.
STORM: Forces of the mist, I summon thee to blind the coming juggernaut!
Crow: And hit Toad with lightning!
[Mike strangles Crow.]
Crow: Gak!
A mist develops and JUGGERNAUT is confused.
Tom: It barely takes a fog to confuse this guy.
JUGGERNAUT: OH, HIDE BEHIND YOUR FRIENDS CHARLES!
Everyone: [Taunting kids] Yeah CHARLES!
ROGUE flies in from nowhere
.ROGUE: Lemme take that weight off ya shouldas sugah.
ROGUE manages to start to pry off the mask. BEAST and WOLVERINE jump back on top of JUGGERNAUT, and WOLVERINE slashes off the helmet and BEAST flings it far away.
Mike: Yoink!
While CYCLOPS, JUBILEE, and GAMBIT stun JUGGERNAUT, XAVIER and JEAN use their powers to attack JUGGERNAUT's mind. Suddenly JUGGERNAUT takes off running, screaming and writhing in pain. The team wearily looks at each other. Suddenly WOLVERINE perks up.
Tom: [Wolverine] This is just fan fiction! None of this stuff about me being a wuss will be taken seriously!
Crow: But it might be taken out of the printer to blow a reader's nose.
Tom: Did you just riff my riff?
Crow: Yeah…
Tom: Creepy.
WOVERINE: I smell someone else. This one is familiar.
JEAN: You're right. I sense someone.
The team begins to look around. After a quick search, BEAST and JUBILEE find MORPH unconscious.
BEAST: Over here!
Tom: [Beast] I found another plot device!
The team runs over. Immediately, WOLVERINE recognizes him.
WOLVERINE: Morph! We need to help him!
Mike: Oh, sure, since you say he's trustworthy…
XAVIER: Beast, get him to the infirmary. Jean, go with him. Everyone else, go get some sleep.
Crow: But…it's 12 noon…
The team slowly trudges back inside. XAVIER stops JUBILEE.
XAVIER: It seems you have fully reached the potential of powers. Would you like training to join the team?
JUBILEE: Well I think that I would enjoy being a real X-Men professor.
Mike: [Xavier, slaps forehead] Doh! You weren't supposed to say yes!
XAVIER: Good night and sleep tight Jubilee.
The mansion lights slowly go out. The camera pans up to the sky and then comes back down on the Hellfire Club's mansion.
Crow: Gah! They did it again!
We hear the sound of a grunt
Mike: I thought this was a PG-13 flick…
and then the door being broken down.
SINISTER: (Muffled, and inside) JUGGERNAUT!
Tom: [Colonel Klink] HoGAN!
Camera changes to inside Hellfire Club's headquarters. SINISTER, PYRO, EMMA FROST, and APOCALYPSE are around a table. JUGGERNAUT enters.
JUGGERNAUT: I can't believe that scum of my brother!
SINISTER: That is not the important issue at hand. Did they find Morph?
Crow: No, they didn't, and now the fanfic will end.
JUGGERNAUT: I think so. I left him in a place they would easily find him.
Crow: Damn.
SINISTER: Let's take a peek at what he's seeing right now.
SINISTER walks over to a television screen. He turns it on
Mike: [Sinister] All we get is PBS. Sorry.
and sees JEAN, BEAST, and WOLVERINE.
SINISTER: See? The Cerebral Control is working perfectly.
FROST: You are quite a genius Sinister. I don't think anyone has ever gotten this close to seeing inside the X-mansion.
APOCALYPSE: Turn up the volume. I want to listen in on those dreaded X-Men.
Scene changes to show the infirmary of the X-Men mansion.
WOLVERINE: How ya feeling pal?
Crow: [Morph] Well except for this thing in my brain I'm—doh!
MORPH: I'm feeling much better thanks.
JEAN: What were you doing out there? We thought you were dead.
MORPH: Well I am very much alive. Or is this better? (MORPH transforms into JEAN)
JEAN is taken aback.
JEAN: That's not funny Morph.
Mike: It also shows the author's kinda twisted, when you think about the Logan/Jean thing…
Tom: YOU'RE twisted.
MORPH (As JEAN): Yes, I KNOW! (MORPH returns to his own form)
Crow: [Jean] That isn't any better.
WOLVERINE: Well he must be alright. He hasn't lost his sense of humor.
Scene returns to TV with SINISTER and APOCALYPSE
SINISTER: It appears they know nothing of our plan.
Mike: WE know nothing either! How about some plot development here???
Tom: Silly man…still expecting a plot at this late date.
APOCALYPSE: Pyro, how is the project coming?
PYRO: Well, we seem to have this project in hand. Mt. Kilauea has been capped. All that is left is to wait for the pressure to build.
APOCALYPSE: Excellent. Nothing can stop the coming apocalypse now…
Tom: [Schwarzenegger] Except Arnold…
Mike and Crow: SHADDAP!
Scene changes to the next week at the White House. President ROBERT JACKSON and his personal SECRETARY are going over the day's agenda.
JACKSON: Well what's on the agenda for this morning?
Tom: [Secretary] A sound spanking.
SECRETARY: Well, you have a meeting with Dr. James Carville of the U.S. Geologic Survey. And you also have a teleconference with Ms. Michelle Joyner, chairman of the world leader summit to discuss your rooming arrangements and others of world leaders.
JACKSON: OK. Is Carville waiting?
SECRETARY: Yes he is sir. Should I call him in?
Mike: Noooo, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw!
JACKSON: Of course.
SECRETARY leaves. CARVILLE enters.
JACKSON: Welcome Dr. Carville.
CARVILLE: Thank you Mr. President.
JACKSON: What did you need to discuss?
CARVILLE: Well sir, I'm concerned about
Crow: [Carville] …your explosive flatulence.
the possibility of earthquakes occurring in the eastern Pacific. USGS
Crow: Unfunny Stupid Gaseous Story.
Tom: Perfect category for the fic.
data shows that the risk has increased significantly.
JACKSON: Meaning?
Mike: Oh, I don't know. Maybe an EARTHQUAKE?
CARVILLE: Earthquakes underwater can produce tidal waves. That…
JACKSON: Can destroy the west coast of the United States.
Crow: [Hopeful] You mean it?
CARVILLE: Precisely. It's nothing one hundred percent definite, but chances are that something may happen in that area soon.
JACKSON: Thank you Dr. Carville. Nancy! Get me hooked up to Michelle Joyner!
SECRETARY: Yes sir Mr. President.
Mike: [Secretary] Kiss my ass, Mr. President.
CARVILLE leaves. SECRETARY types into computer and within seconds, JOYNER's face appears on the screen.
JOYNER: Mr. President?
Mike: Sorry, this is Bobo the Clown. You want the next office over.
Crow: So, wait. Bobo and the president are different people?
Mike: Sure.
Crow: Could've fooled me.
JACKSON: Yes. You wanted to talk about arrangements for the conference?
JOYNER: (Blank look on the face) Mr. President, you're going to have to speak up. I can't hear you.
PRESIDENT: (Mutters) Technology.
Tom: We've got to go back to the land, I tell you! To the land!
(Louder)
Yes Ms. Joyner, you wanted to talk about the accommodations.JOYNER: Yes sir. You want the Diamond Head Hotel here in Honolulu?
Mike: [Jackson] I don't know…it's the one where they leave those creamy mints on your pillow and let you steal towels.
JACKSON: Of course. I think that it would help to relieve all the tensions of this whole mutant crisis.
Scene darkens to reveal the War Room of the X-Mansion. BEAST is hard at work on the computer. XAVIER enters.
XAVIER: Keeping up on current events Henry?
Crow: [Beast] No, sir, playing Quake…ahem. Why certainly.
BEAST: Of course. To be uniformed of the world around you is quite a sin.
Tom: To write this fanfic is an even bigger one.
JEAN and MORPH enter.
JEAN: Professor, I'd like to officially clear Morph from the infirmary. He has made a full recovery. Excuse me, I have some other work to do. I'll leave him in your capable hands, Professor.
Mike: The Prof does a killer Shiatsu.
XAVIER: Excellent. I'm glad to see you have returned to us Morph.
MORPH: Yeah, I kinda missed this place. Who's the blue furball?
Tom: [The Riddler] Who's afraid of the big black bat?
BEAST turns, and stands.
BEAST: Greetings. My name is Dr. Henry McCoy. You can call me Beast.
Mike: I'd rather call you jackass, but thanks anyway.
MORPH: Beast, eh? (Morphs into BEAST) Quite a pleasure to meet you. My name is Beast. (Returns to normal self). Actually, I'm Morph. I'm a shapeshifter, if ya hadn't already guessed.
BEAST: I hardly noticed at all.
Mike: [Deadpan] Neither did we. If we didn't know you we couldn't tell.
Suddenly, BEAST'S computer console begins to beep. BEAST hurriedly takes a seat and begins to check out the situation.
XAVIER: Something the matter?
Tom: [Beast] I have fleas, sir.
BEAST: I am noting through the U.S. Geological Survey that there is increased pressure under the eastern Pacific seamount.
Scene changes to EMMA FROST watching the television, watching what MORPH is viewing. She immdiately perks up at the words geologic survey.
Crow: [Emma] THAT was the answer on 'Wheel of Fortune' last night!
FROST: SINISTER! You may want to get in here!
SINISTER and APOCALYPSE open a door and are there.
SINISTER: What is so vital that I had to come right now?
Tom: [Sinister] I was watching 'All My Children'!
FROST: Just watch.
Scene returns to the War Room.
XAVIER: What does this indicate?
BEAST: Meaning that an underwater earthquake could easily destroy the California coast and west coast of Mexico.
Crow: But leaving Hawaii unscathed. I don't see the crisis here!
XAVIER: What seems to be the cause?
BEAST: Unknown. (Punches some buttons on the computer) Wait, it appears as if the great volcano, Mt. Kilauea on the big island of Hawaii has a dangerous level of seismic pressure. Attempting to localize.
View changes back to SINISTER, APOCALYPSE and FROST. They look at each other showing a hint of concern.
Mike: Yeah, they might actually have to do something other than stand around.
Crow: Your modern villain…not much for the hands-on aspect.
SINISTER: You were correct to call me, Emma. This is a serious problem.
Tom: [Sinister] I'm all out of lipstick.
Scene returns to the War Room.
BEAST: Phenomenon localized. It appears as if someone has capped the volcano, trapping it's pressure and seismic activity. But for what purpose? Xavier, we must disable it.
XAVIER: Agreed.
WOLVERINE enters unnoticed by all. Scene changes to show SINISTER, JUGGERNAUT, FROST, APOCALYPSE and PYRO glued to the screen. Suddenly, SINISTER'S eyes widen and then they get a look of anger.
Tom: [Sinister] The Marvel artists made me look like an angry drag queen! Damn them!
SINISTER: They know. We have all we need to know.
JUGGERNAUT: Do you need me to terminate Morph?
Crow: [Juggernaut] Pleeeeeeeease?
SINISTER: No. I can easily dispose of him.
APOCALYPSE: Do it.
Mike: [Sarcastic Sinister] Hey, three bags full, sir.
SINISTER turns off the TV and pushes a red button on the set. Scene returns to the War Room. Suddenly MORPH begins to sprawl around on the floor, gasping for air.
Mike: ABOUT TIME.
BEAST and WOLVERINE jump to his aid.
WOLVERINE: MORPH!
BEAST: I see no sign of physical injury or bodily harm.
Tom: That would be because you're a doofus.
According to Jean Grey, he was in perfect health and showed no sign of bodily harm.
Mike: Oh, yeah, and when was the last time Jean knew which end was up?
WOLVERINE: (Spotting SINISTER'S controlling device) Well I don't exactly call that no bodily harm!
Crow: Wolvie, buddy, let it go. Bodily harm to Morph is a good thing!
WOLVERINE draws his claws and before BEAST can stop him, WOLVERINE slashes off the device. MORPH goes unconscious briefly and then regains consciousness.
MORPH: What am I doing here?
Tom: Morph…a character barely tolerable. We can rewrite him. We have the technology.
WOLVERINE: It's OK buddy. You're safe.
Everyone: [Snickers.]
MORPH: The last thing I remember is being attacked by Sinister.
WOLVERINE: Sinister?? I'd like to get my hands on him.
XAVIER: And if Sinister is involved, then…
Crow: We can leave! Bye bye! [He tries once again to bolt from the theater.]
Mike: Will you get back here! [Yanks him back by his net and sits him firmly in his seat.]
Tom: Wussy.
WOLVERINE: Then Apocalypse is involved.
Mike: Oh how I wish for the Apocalypse right now.
XAVIER: Beast, isn't there some prophesy on how the earth will be destroyed by fire?
Mike: [Beast, starting awake] Huh? What'd you say, Professor? Sorry, I just drifted off around the whole Morph-amnesia thing.
Tom: He ain't the only one.
BEAST: I believe so.
WOLVERINE: Then Apocalypse is involved. Maybe the whole Hellfire Club. But involved with what?
STORM, JEAN, CYCLOPS, and GAMBIT enter.
CYCLOPS: What's going on?
Crow: Nothing that concerns you, Dumbass.
XAVIER: We believe the Hellfire Club has capped Mt. Kilauea for some purpose. But what?
Mike: Oh come on! All they have to do is read back a few pages!
Tom: Can we say beating a premise to death?
Crow: Forget it…this author isn't smart enough to do that. He's just trying to add some pages to this horrible pathetic thing.
CYCLOPS: He could be attempting to harness the power of the volcano. Lava is a dangerous substance.
Crow: Yeah. Why don't you go take a bath in some?
JEAN: Excellent thought Scott, but that would be too risky because it burns through just about anything. Not only that, it cools down within minutes and harmless to anyone.
BEAST: What else could they gain by capping the volcano?
STORM: Quite a few more things than you are thinking of now.
Mike: Oh don't try to pretend you're smart!
BEAST: Like what?
STORM: By building up such seismic pressure could create a tidal wave. That tidal wave is one of the most destructive forces of nature.
BEAST: Incredible. By capping a volcano they could unleash a power completely unsuspected…
GAMBIT: Dat Explosion be bigger than Gambit's cards.
Mike: [Slaps forehead.]
Tom: Gambit is one of the few people in this scene who ISN'T a complete idiot, for god's sake! Get it right!
Just then on the War Room Screen, a news report.
STORM: Speaking of the Hawaii, take a look at this.
NEWS ANCHOR: President Robert Jackson left today for a two-week summit/retreat with 30 other world leaders. The Honolulu Summit, as it is being called, is an important conference at Diamond Head to talk with world leaders about a range of issues from economic issues to mutant rights. In other news…
Tom: RIP—you know what? I don't care anymore.
(BEAST shuts off the TV)
The team looks at all around, making eye contact with all the other members.
Mike: [Makes squishy sound.]
Crow: [Jean] Get your eyeballs off mine, Wolverine!
XAVIER: (Solemnly) Apocalypse.
Tom: …Has nothing to do with this story.
Scene changes to Hellfire Club's headquarters. APOCALYPSE is present with PYRO on the computer and FROST watching with him. SINSTER is conferring with JUGGERNAUT.
Mike: [Sinister] No no no, I'm not saying 'The Mary Tyler Moore Show' is better than 'Bosom Buddies', just good in a DIFFERENT way—oh we're back!
SINISTER: Juggernaut, it is your responsibility to protect us in case the X-Men arrive. Hold them long enough for us to finish our project.
JUGGERNAUT: I can handle the X-Men. (Leaves)
Tom: Yeah, especially Rogue, Jean—
Mike: Eh! Watch it, transparent-headed one.
SINISTER: Pyro, how much longer until we have built up enough pressure?
PYRO: Within the next eight hours.
Crow: [Pyro] Then I'll explode, thereby ending the world and the fic.
[Mike golf claps.]
Scene changes to Mt. Kilauea and a small single man aircraft lands near the crest. It is BEAST. BEAST pulls out a set of tools, and climbs to the crest and begins to examine the device.
Mike: [Beast] Well I don't know how to turn it off! You're screwed! Bye bye!
BEAST: It is nothing I have seen before. It may take some time to disable.
Crow: [Beast] They used two whole Erector sets to make it!
CYCLOPS: (At the X-Mansion on BEAST's communicator screen) Well it appears we have less than two hours or so before the pressure is great enough to cause an earthquake. When you are done, let us know.
Mike: [Cyclops] We'll get together for a tennis brunch.
We'll be after the Hellfire Club.
Mike: That too.
BEAST works on the device. But it is not enough.
Tom: Dammit Jim!
Mike: I'm a doctor!
Crow: Not an actor!
Mike: What does that mean?
Tom: Crow, say 'He's dead, Jim', and arms or no, I will come over there and beat you senseless.
Soon after, the volcano begins to shake.
All: [Singing] Shake, shake, shake…shake your booty.
Tom: Now refresh me…do volcanoes have bootys?
Mike: What the hell kind of question is that?
Crow: Wow, we got a real NATURE LOVER over here! Heh heh…you're not laughing.
Tom: We're laughing on the inside.
Mike: On the outside we're trying to think of a painless means of suicide by theater chair.
BEAST: It is not enough. I cannot stop this by myself.
Tom: [Spock] The logical sequence of events must not be interrupted.
Mike: And those would be?
Tom: Tidal wave, mass death and disaster, end of fanfic.
Crow: [Kirk] Excellent…idea, Spock. Use my…native girl…as…a shield.
Mike: Now that's just scary.
XAVIER: (On the screen) Storm is on her way. Do what you can.
Crow: [Xavier] And put some pants on, for God's sake!
BEAST: It appears that an earthquake is developing offshore and a tidal wave is forming. I will try to lessen the impact of the wave. (Tinkers and smiles) It appears I have done something.
Mike: Wow! Something! [Does huge sarcastic Barenaked-Ladies-Pinch-Me-video thumbs up.] He's brilliant, that one.
I am heading to the plane. I will meet you at the Hellfire Club headquarters.
BEAST packs up and heads for the plane.
Tom: And flies the hell outta the fic.
XAVIER: Understood.
The tidal wave develops south of Hawaii, and it climbed, heading straight for the convention. STORM arrives.
Mike: Past tense, past.
Crow: You do realize that no one will get that?
Tom: [Smacking noise] Bad author!
STORM: I summon thee, winds from the north, to destroy this wave.
Mike: [North wind] Sorry, lady, South and West are on strike and I'm all booked up.
(Slowly coming down, but it is not enough)
Scene changes to Diamond Head Hotel. President JACKSON is speaking in front of the world leaders. JACKSON is speaking and suddenly the leaders
Crow: …Realize he's really Harrison Ford and mob him for authographs.
see the wave and begin to run out. JACKSON doesn't understand what is going on.
Crow: The president doesn't understand what's going on. What a stretch.
Then he looks around and a look of terror fills his face.
JACKSON: AAAAHH! RUN!
Mike: [World leaders] That's what we're DOING, you stupid hack-acting carpenter!
The dignitaries run as the wave continues to shrink.
Crow: [Wicked Witch of the West] I'm melting, I'm melting!
When the wave reaches the beach, it looks like a normal wave. The X-Men have saved the world leaders.
All: [Depressed] Yay.
Meanwhile, SINISTER and APOCALYPSE are watching the news.
Crow: [Newscaster] Tom and Nicole remarry to divorce again, tonight at eleven.
NEWS ANCHOR: We now have breaking news that an attempt was made to destroy the convention using a tidal wave.
Tom: A convention?! The bastards! All the comics will be ruined!
Mike: Not that kind of convention, Tom.
It appears that mutants are behind it, and that the group known as the X-Men, the same group that saved New York from the terror of Erik Lennsher has saved the President and world leaders once again.
Mike: In the exact same battle and the exact same way as the first X-Men movie. Does anyone else find that a tad boring or stupid?
Crow and Tom: Yo!
(SINISTER shuts off the television angrily and slams his fist on the top of the television)
Tom: [Sinister] Damn Sony products!
SINISTER: THOSE CURSED X-MEN! We will exact revenge on them.
Mike: [Sinister] But first I have to go star in 'Cabaret'!
APOCALYPSE: I doubt we will have to wait long.
FROST: You are right Apocalypse. They are upon us.
Tom: [German soldier] Achtung achtung!
Crow: [Makes dive-bomber noises.]
Mike: [American general] Magnificent mutant bastards!
Outside, JUGGERNAUT is patrolling, when rustling attracts his attention. JUGGERNAUT turns.
Mike: [Juggernaut] Easter Bunny?
JUGGERNAUT: WHO'S THERE?
Crow: [Cyclops] Uhh…Jehovah's Witnesses?
WOLVERINE, BEAST and CYCLOPS appear.
JUGGERNAUT: Oh, come to play again?
Mike: [Whiny Cyclops] I want my marbles and my SuperSoaker back!
CYCLOPS blasts JUGGERNAUT and knocks off his helmet.
Tom: You know, Juggernaut really needs to rethink his accessories.
BEAST and WOLVERINE lung at him.
All: [Make juicy coughing noises.]
ROGUE swoops in from the sky, delivering a three-way attack. JUGGERNAUT throws them off.
WOLVERINE: You ok kiddo?
ROGUE: Yeah. I want a piece of that chump now. He's mahn!
Tom: Yes, she has identified him as a man.
Mike: Bravo.
GAMBIT steps out of the tree line, next to CYCLOPS.
GAMBIT: Wanna play a little game of five-card draw? I deal. Aces wild. (Fires off a spread of charged cards)
Mike: There it is, ladies and gents, the one decent line in the fic. [Claps.]
The cards strike JUGGERNAUT, but deal no damage. All of a sudden, XAVIER (not physically there)
Crow: Thank you, Fanfic God.
enters JUGGERNAUT's mind and JUGGERNAUT writhes from the mental agony of XAVIER simply entering his mind.
Crow: There's a riff in there somewhere…
Tom: Let it go, my friend.
He runs off, leaving the X-Men alone in the field.
Mike: [Juggernaut] Mommeeeeeee!
CYCLOPS: Everyone here? (Looking around sees BEAST, STORM, ROGUE, GAMBIT, WOLVERINE and JEAN. All give him thumbs up)
All: It stinks! (*Actual canon MST3K joke…how many of you got that? I want hands!)
All right, lets move.
Crow: Does anyone else think he should be voted off the island?
Scene changes to the inside of the Hellfire Club Mansion. Alarms are going off, and SINSTER and PYRO are scrambling around.
Mike and Crow: [Make clucking noises.]
Tom: We don't know what to do! We're incompetent villains in funny outfits!
APOCALYPSE enters with FROST.
APOCALYPSE: What is going on?
Crow: [Sinister] X-Men are coming, pretty much screwed—I mean—mambo practice!
SINSTER: Those cursed X-Men have appeared on the south lawn.
Mike: [Mr. Burns] Release the hounds.
(Turning to APOCALYPSE)
You were wrong Apocalypse; the time is not here yet. Quickly, I will put you to sleep until a later time so the X-Men will not harm you.APOCALYPSE: Agreed.
Crow: [Apocalypse] But I want two bedtime stories and my fuzzy teddy and a glass of apple juice first!
SINISTER: And you (Pointing to PYRO) keep them away until I return.
Mike: Or at the very least try not to light your own hair on fire.
Emma, help him. Then we shall battle them together.
PYRO: You got it.
Tom: Tapeworm, that is.
SINISTER and APOCALYPSE enter a room and close the door behind them PYRO moves to cover the front door.
Mike: Ahhhh! Stop the sentence, stop it!
Crow: [Makes screeching tire noises.]
Tom: [Makes car crash noises.]
Scene changes to outside to see X-men team approach the same door PYRO is watching. They are discussing who is going to knock down the door.
Crow: [Cyclops] Okay! We got a girl with super strength, a guy with razor sharp claws, and a dude who can blow up anything inorganic. So I pick…Storm!
CYCLOPS: I'll blast it down.
WOLVERINE: (Sniffing) I smell fire. Someone's waiting for us inside.
Tom: Satan?
Mike: Oh please, oh please.
CYCLOPS: Stand back. The door is mine.
Crow: And if anyone else looks at her I'll kill them!
CYCLOPS sets his visor and blasts down the door. Immediately, PYRO lets out a blast of flame.
Crow: [Cyclops] Who-oa! Okay! Bad idea!
Mike: But then that's all Cyclops has.
Crow: Good point.
CYCLOPS is singed, but is otherwise unharmed.
Tom: Damnit.
CYCLOPS: (To STORM) Anything you can do to put out this fire?
Mike: [Ditzy Storm] I'll call nine-eleven!
STORM: It is done. (Takes off) Rain, I command thee to extinguish this fire!
Rain forms and rushes inside the door. PYRO is thrown back, and GAMBIT, ROGUE, WOLVERINE, and BEAST rush inside. PYRO quickly recovers and sends out a burst of flame, pining GAMBIT, WOLVERINE, and BEAST. ROGUE has managed to sneak behind him. She is confused how to stop him.
Mike: Biiiiiig surprise.
Tom: I will say one thing for this guy…he may write stilted dialogue, crappy plotlines and cardboard characters…
Crow: But?
Tom: He can write REALLY appalling action sequences, too.
Crow: Ooo! Low down, baby.
XAVIER comes to her, and consoles her.
XAVIER: (In her mind) Drain some of his life force. You will be fine. It is the only way to stop him.
Tom: [Falsetto Rogue] But, won't that mean Ah'll burst into flames and—
Mike: [Grumpy Xavier] Just do it!
ROGUE then removes her gloves and briefly touches PYRO.
Mike: [Makes martial arts motions against the screen] Touch of death!
PYRO falls to the floor. ROGUE at first seems to be ready to throw off flame, but quickly regains control of herself.
Tom: Thank you, Metamucil.
GAMBIT, WOLVERINE, and BEAST quickly join her, and CYCLOPS, STORM, and JEAN rush into the house.
BEAST: Are you OK Rogue?
Crow: We don't care!
ROGUE: I think so.
GAMBIT: (Carefully holding her head)
Mike: Oh-oh, I think we may have found the root of Rogue's stupidity.
Tom: This is your head. This is your head in Sleepy Hollow.
It's okay Cher. You be fine. You had to do that or we be one crispy piece o gumbo shrimp.
Crow: All of us shrimp together!
Mike: Well, ya knew he was gonna say 'gumbo' sooner or later.
ROGUE: Yeah I know. The professor told me to do it.
Suddenly, FROST runs out of a door and attacks ROGUE using SLASH'S essence that is trapped in ROGUE'S mind.
Mike: [Utterly panicked] Oh no, no, NO!
FROST: You have a mind that is divided. Slash, come out and attack those fools!
Crow: [Frost] And while you're at it, go get us a pizza!
ROGUE stops and SLASH'S personality comes out.
Mike: [Slash] Avatar Man to the rescue!
ROGUE: PREPARE TO DIE X-MEN!
Crow: Do either of you find Anna Paquin the slightest bit menacing?
Mike: Nope.
Tom: Nope, not even with the personality of a crummy avatar. Sad, really.
GAMBIT, quickly thinking, draws a card and throws it in front of her.
Mike: [Rogue] Umm…hit me!
The floor explodes in front of her, knocking her down. Meanwhile, CYCLOPS blasts FROST, rendering her unconscious.
Crow: Then he rendered her in 8-bit.
Mike: Oh the humanity!
GAMBIT comes to ROGUE whom slowly sits up.
Tom: Proving once again that the author has a brain controlled by escaped lab rats who have been exposed to powerful nerve agents.
GAMBIT: You OK Cher?
Mike: I call no singing 'Believe'.
[Tom and Crow look at him.]
Crow: Mike, what do you take us for?
ROGUE: I think so.
Mike: [Rogue] Still don't know for sure…
Thank you Gambit.
GAMBIT: Anytime my
Mike: …Sharona.
petite.
WOLVERINE: Can we cut the mushy stuff till Sinister is ours?
Crow: [Wolverine] Can I say another formulaic line?
CYCLOPS: Wolverine, can you tell where they went?
WOLVERINE: (Sniffing) Yeah, I smell two over in this room.
Tom: [Wolverine] They had tuna clubs for lunch…and one is wearing Old Spice to hide the fact he hasn't showered for a week or so…and he's also an Aquarius…
All walk over to the door. GAMBIT charges a card, and CYCLOPS prepares an optic blast. The rest of the team is ready to rush in after them.
CYCLOPS: GO!
Mike: Speed Racer, go.
BEAST knocks in the door. GAMBIT throws a full spread of cards, and CYCLOPS shoots off an optic blast.
Mike: Uh, it's open!
The rest of the team forms a semi-circle around the door.
Crow: Okay, door, give me an excuse.
The only person there is APOCALYPSE. He is in a deep sleep.
Tom: Let's put his hand in a jar of warm water!
Crow: Let's hold a feather under his nose and keep it torturously against the soft tissues!
Mike: Let's Nair his legs!
JEAN notices the open window.
JEAN: Sinister was here. He escaped out the window.
Mike: But he left a trail of tacky jewelry and hair gel.
(Searching for him in her mind, as WOLVERINE tries to climb out the window. Grabbing him)
Crow: [Jean] You're going to watch Terms of Endearment if I have to super-glue you to the sofa!
No, he's to far away. He had a plane waiting for him. It's over.
Scene changes to outside. The Hellfire Mansion is dark when the Blackbird takes off for home.
Tom: In an ironic turn of events, without the X-Men in it.
Scene changes again to New York City. MAGNETO is seen leaving prison.
Crow: Oh COME ON! Anticlimax to the max!
He walks outside to meet MYSTIQUE (looking like Rebecca Romijn-Stamos and in a white dress),
Tom: [Magneto] Mystique, what did I say about turning into weasel-faced supermodels?
SABERTOOTH, and TOAD.
Crow: I dunno, this fic might be good for a laugh yet!
MAGNETO: (Loudly) You see Charles? Those plastic prison bars didn't hold me forever. You cannot stop us forever Charles. It is our destiny.
Tom: [Magneto as Darth Vader] Join me, Charles, and we can rule the galaxy together as…British Guy and Bald British Guy.
Camera pans across the street, as they get in an automobile to reveal JEAN and XAVIER in an automobile.
Mike: So are we in a car or what?
XAVIER looks at MAGNETO and nods to JEAN.
Tom: [Xavier] Yep, there'll be another sequel. No way around it.
She starts the car, and they drive off while the camera pulls up and out. Scene blackens. End of the movie.
Mike: Yess!
Crow: Woohoo!
Tom: There is a god, and he hates crappy fanfic!
1…2…3…4…5…6…
INT. SOL
Mike, Crow and Tom are all holding comic books.
Mike: So, if in the RPG I'm Cyclops, Iceman, Storm, Jean Grey, Shadowcat, Nightcrawler and Jubilee, who's Wolverine?
Crow: Ah, I am.
Mike: I see, and who's Gambit?
Crow: Uh, I am.
Mike: Right, and who's Beast?
Crow: You are.
Mike throws down his book.
Mike: Crow, you can't just take the two cool characters for yourself and leave all the crappy annoying ones for me!
Crow: Why not?
Mike: [Sighs] Alright, who's Rogue?
Tom: That would be me.
Mike throws up his hands.
Mike: I give up. You guys have fun.
He walks off.
Crow: Umm…Servo, can I interest you in Morph?
Tom: Forget it, net-for-brains. This was a terrible idea.
He drops his book and leaves.
Crow: Uh…Mike, how about if I let you be Mystique!
Mike: [Offstage] Buzz off, Crow!
INT. PEARL'S CASTLE
Pearl is talking at the Observer, who has little voodoo pins sticking out of his various appendages, and chicken feathers crowning his hood.
Pearl: Alright, I see your logic about how Kenny G. was an influence, but…
Observer nods at the camera.
Pearl: Oo! Hey, Nelsonator, how's it going? Never mind, how was the fic?
INT. SOL
Mike and Tom have returned.
Mike: Pearl, I never thought I'd say this, but…give me a Burt I. Gordon giant-bug horror movie any day.
Tom: Hear hear.
Crow: Okay, I'll concede Sabretooth if you'll be Bella Donna.
Mike: Will you give it up?!
INT. CASTLE
Pearl: Yeah, well, anyway, you guys take care up there. Hope I broadened your mind or something.
A man dressed as Slash from the fic drops from the ceiling.
Pearl: I've got a lunch date, so I'm gonna leave you with—
'Slash': My love! I've found you at last! Now nothing can tear us apart, not even THOSE CURSED X-MEN WHO WILL PAY FOR THIS!
He leaps at Pearl.
Pearl: AHHHH!
They both fall on the button.
END
Mystery Science Theater 3000 created by
Joel Hodgson
X-Men created by
Stan Lee
X-Men and all related material owned by
The all-powerful Marvel Comics
Bad fanfic idea by
Azreal
Fanfic by
'T499Eagle'
MSTing by
'Mistie'
Talent coordinator
Kathie Lee Gifford
Catering
Gambit's House of Gumbo Shrimp
Color by
Adobe LE 5.0
Mystery Science Theater 3000 owned by Best Brains, Inc.
Copyright 2001,
Anne Rice
************************************************************************
CYCLOPS: (Off screen) I wouldn't do that if I were you.