HALO 2: This Time, It's Shinier
by appledude211
cowritten by friends at the RedvsBlue website
Disclaimer: I do not own Halo (I wish I did) or Bungie in any matter.
Chapter 1: Middle Greedy
The huge Covenant city of Middle Greedy floated above orbit of the remains of Halo. In the city, an Elite Ship Master was being roasted at the hands of the Prophets of See no Evil, Hear no Evil, and the leader Speak no Evil. Along with this, a mock council of Grunts and Elites watched and held signs like 'Hi Mom' or 'Jackal 3:16' and the unforgettable "PWN3D!"
"There was only one ship" said The Ship Master
"One? Are you sure?" said Speak.
"Yes, they called it...The Pillar of Autumn" replied the Ship Master.
"LIAR LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE, I read a fanfic of Halo 1, and the ship was called the Column of-" but before Hear could finish, he fell asleep
"Why was it not destroyed with the other pieces of crap called ships?"
"It fled while we set fire to the planet".
A flashback to the Ship Master setting up logs on Reach and lighting it on fire. The Covenant fleet gather round it and sing "Kum-By-Ya" while the Pillar of Autumn snuck away with their marshmellows.
"And those marshmellows were good to" said the Ship Master. "I followed with all the ships in my command".
"When you saw Halo, were you blinded by its majesty?" said Speak
"Blinded?" replied the Ship Master
"Paralyzed? Dumbstruck? Confused? Turned on?"
"No, I don't think so"
"What about Palminized?" said Hear, holding a dictionary
"What?"
"You fool" said See with a smack to the head "You can't read worth crap"
"Yet the humans were able to land on the Sacred Ring and DESICRATE IT WITH THEIR FILTHY RED BULL DRINKS!" said See
"My Lord, surely the Paras-" before the Ship Master could finish, a murmur erupted in the Roast audience. "HEY! I'M TRYING TO SPEAK HERE DAMMIT!" yelled The Ship Master.
"My Lord" a Elite Roastee said, "Can we get to the matter of discussing the problem with the Grunt latrines on our ships? We had another fatality because of the contamination".
Speak took out a Diamond plated, Jewel encrusted, Plasma Pistol and shot the Elite with a Charged Shot. The Brutes, who were eating nothing but crappy popcorn, enveloped on the remains and ate it with vicious forking and spooning.
"ENOUGH!" yelled Speak who obviously had sand in his vagina and could not hear his whiny cohorts complaining and eating dead bodies. "You were right to mention The Flood, but this Demon, this Maste-".
Before he could finish, a Grunt yelled "DEMON, GET EM OUTTA MY HEAD!" and ran for the exit. Two Elite Honor Guards bashed him with those...uh...Honor Staffs (hehe). The Brutes, who were still hungery, raced to the corpse and devoured it in a sloppy light blue mess.
"By the time I learned of the Demon's intent, I was too drunk, there was nothing I could do". replied The Ship Master, who still remembered that dreadful frat party on the Truth and Reconciliation. The Mime Strippers and Midget Sadists were still haunting him.
"Speak" said See, "The Roast is getting impatient, and I have to take a big wet dump right now. Make an example of this burger".
"You mean Bungler right?"
"Ok, Your fleet has given us victory after victory, you are a sexy fleet commander, but your failure to protect Halo was a collos...colsol...cooasl...ah screw it, you fucked up" said Speak
"NAY! IT WAS HERSHEY!" said an Elite N00B. Speak took out his pimped out Plasma Pistol and ended the N00B's days of "1337ness". I need not to explain what the Brutes did next.
"I will continue my campaign against the humans" replied Ship Master
"No you won't"
"Yea huh"
"Nuh Uh"
"Yea huh"
"Nuh Uh"
"What are you gonna do about it?"
Tartarus and two other Brutes walked behind the Ship Master and looked at him with hungery looking eyes.
"Aw crapfuck"
"Soon the Great Road Trip shall begin, and you're gonna get left behind so NAH!" said Speak
The Ship Master led away from the Roast, knowing that he WOULD go on that Road Trip, even if he had to hide in the trunk of the family car.
The Big Giant Gun Named After An Island floated in orbit above the Planet Earth. Inside, Master Chief was getting debriefed by an R Lee Ermy reject.
"Do you know how much this equipment costs?" said RLE Reject "blahblah...Armor dented...blahblah...pregnancy scanner busted...blahblah...visor cracked...blahblah"
Chief put on his helmet and responded "Tell that to the Covenant, because I don't care, nor will I ever will".
"Suit yourself, this is a new MarkVI suit, got some new nifty features in there for you".
"Like what?"
"No more Health Bar"
"NO! THOSE BARS WERE SO CUTE!" yelled Chief with a whiny tone.
"Uh, ok, ANYWAYS, there's only shields and its a pain in the ass on Legendary" said RLE Reject
"Thats supposed to be a good thing?"
"Yep, and look! All the texture is shiny"
"Ooooooooo, pretty" said Chief with a trance-like stare. Just then SGT Johnson comes in in a nice white Pimp suit.
"You done with my boy Master Gunns? I dont see no training wheels"
"I can put them on there if you want"
"PLEASE JOHNSON!" yelled Chief with excitement
"No, now lets go, we're late" said Johnson
Johnson and Chief ride the elevator and through a tram to the enternce to the Bat Cave...wait, wrong fic, to the Bridge where Admiral Hood was waiting. MTV cameras were everywhere.
"You told me there wouldn't be any cameras, I feel so naked" said Chief
"YOU told me you were gonna look nice" replied Johnson
"FINE" said Chief and put on a little bowtie.
The duo appeared in the bridge where Admiral Hood and a bunch of people no one cared about were. Hood approached the two with open arms
"Kuwabara, Kuwabara" said Hood and grabbed Chief's crotch.
"Sir, I can't feel anything down there anymore".
"Oh sorry, wrong game, ANYWAYS, lets make this ceromony quicker than two dogs humping. Cortana, any updates?" said Hood.
"Another whisper said 'Call this number for a good time' nothing more". said Cortana
Cortana looked at the Chief and said "You look nice".
"Shut up" said both Chief and Johnson.
"SGT Johnson, you've been awarded the Colonial Cross for valant bravery in the face of combat, and a sweet ass".
"What!"
"Just take the damn medal"
Back at Middle Greedy, The Ship Master was being ready to be branded for bring the asshole heretic that he was percieved
"You've drawn quite a crowd: said Tartarus.
"If they came to see me beg, they'll be dissapointed" replied the Ship Master
"Are you sure?" said Tartarus
"BEG BEG BEG BEG BEG BEG BEG BEG BEG BEG BEG" yelled a group of Grunts in unison
"Crap" The Ship Master sighed
Back on Earth...or above it
"Commander Miranda Keyes, your father was an extrodonary man, an intelligent leader, and a good massager" said Hood with a hint of pervertness
"What was that last one?" said Keyes.
"Uhhh...intelligent leader?"
Back at Middle Greedy, Ship Master was hanging naked in front of a large crowd...embarrasing, don't ya think?
"There can be no greater heresy...than to have this sequel end in such suckiness" bellowed Tartarus.
"Swingy Swingy" said the Ship Master as Tartarus prepared to brand him with a...symbol...thing.
"Hahaha" laughed Tartarus
"What so funny? At least mine is bigger" replied The Ship Master.
When people say stuff like that to Tartarus, bad things happen...in Ship Master's case...having a huge metal rod, on fire, being pressed on your chest.
Suddenly, Cortana, who was being the smart-ass bitch that she was, interupted.
"Slipspace ruptures coming from thata way" said Cortana
"Show me, I WANNA SEE!" replied Hood
"I count alotta Capital Covenant ships, we're screwed" said Cortana
"This is Admiral Harper, we're engaging the enemy and gonna get our asses kicked"
"Negative Admiral, you will get your asses kicked while defending these pussys called Marines".
This provoked alot of gun clicks and laser sights from the crowd.
"Uh...I mean, Master Chief, defend this station".
"Yes Sir!" said Chief. He looks at Johnson and says "I need a weapon".
"Sucks to be you" he replied.
Well, theres the introduction for ya, I promise I'll get my other fic updated as soon as possible and update this one soon too. Hope this is anything funny. PLEASE REVIEW!