The Deep End
by Miss Jazz
Category: Drama/Angst, GSR
Rating: PG
Summary: Sara has a panic attack and finally realizes that she can't hide from her past, or face it alone.
Spoilers: Maybe a few things here and there but nothing major.
Disclaimer: I absolutely love to write and Sara is quite intriguing so this is my take on how she might finally tell Grissom about her past. It is purely for enjoyment and I don't own anything, unfortunately.
You can't tread water forever.
Sara Sidle knew that she would learn that lesson at some point in her life. She just thought she could avoid it for another forty years. She thought she could escape her past, her present and her future by throwing herself relentlessly into her work, by working doubles and triples and only sleeping when it was absolutely necessary.....
But she had gone too far.
When she allowed herself to sleep, Sara often had nightmares. There was one horrible, recurring dream that haunted her, one that was reason enough to avoid sleep forever. It was a nightmare in which Sara felt completely exposed, vulnerable and it took her to a place inside herself that she could never visit. It was a distortion of reality, symbolic of her struggles and the secrets that she had kept hidden for so long, secrets of a past that held her tightly bound in silence. In her nightmare, Sara would be out in a body of deep, cold water, struggling to stay afloat, treading and churning the water madly with her legs. She would always be flailing her arms, trying to get enough air in case the currents below pulled her under the surface. There was never anyone there to help her out or guide her to safety.
She was always cold and she was always alone.
And it wasn't just a nightmare.
Sara found herself increasingly cold and alone in her life and her work. She had waded too far out into the unknown, failing to see that the water was getting deeper and colder around her weakening body. She failed to realize that she was in over her head until she was too far out in the deep end, trying desperately to keep her head above water. She failed to realize that once you're that far out, once you're that isolated, there's nothing left to do but face the facts. It was only going to be a matter of time before she too went under. Not even the indestructible Sara Sidle could stay afloat forever.
She didn't see it coming......
But deep down, she knew it would.
Eventually.
Sara was in the midst of processing a crime scene when it happened. It was the last place she expected to be when she finally learned her lesson. She had always pictured herself coming to terms with her life when she was old and alone, sitting in her rocking chair with a newspaper and reading about the crimes she used to help solve. She had always pictured herself as being too strong and stubborn to give in. She knew that she had issues but she had always believed that they wouldn't catch up to her if she didn't let them. She thought she had all the power in the world to control her emotions.
She never thought her own body would betray her.
She certainly never thought that she would be hard at work with Grissom and Greg when she slipped below the surface.
That night, two young boys were found in an old house, their bodies bruised and bloody from head to toe. Initially, everything about the scene seemed routine to Sara. She took pictures and collected evidence as she always did and as usual, she was very thorough and precise. She also felt the familiar lump in her throat as she tried to piece together what happened and the intense desire to find and destroy the person who was responsible.
That was definitely normal.
Sara was convinced that she had everything under control but she just didn't feel right.
"Where do you want me?" Greg asked quietly, when they finished photographing the room. He had been working by her side but Sara hadn't been paying much attention to him, which was unusual. For the past few months, she had been focusing much of her energy on his training and it was one of the few things she was able to enjoy. But that day, with her seemingly fragile emotional state, she thought she might need some space.
Sara cleared her throat. "I've got this one, Greg," she replied, gesturing toward the first body. She forced a smile and with a few encouraging words, she sent Greg over to Grissom, to help process the second victim. Then, with her camera clutched to her chest, she sank to her knees next to the boy.
She stared at him.
He's so young and innocent, she thought as her gloved hand reached out to touch the boy's face. She knew she had to remain detached and she reminded herself to just focus on her work but she couldn't help it. Someone has to care, Sara told herself, hoping to justify her emotions. When her fingers brushed against the pale skin, Sara froze, an overwhelming surge of emotion sweeping through her entire body.
It happened just like that.
No warning.
With just one small touch, Sara fell into a past world, her senses immediately spinning out of control. She had made a brief, silent connection through her fingertips, unconsciously forming a bond with the victim. She had gently touched his bruised cheek and his dark, swollen features had rapidly sparked memories that Sara had been trying to bury for a very long time. The memories immediately assaulted her consciousness and Sara pulled her hand away as if she had touched a hot stove.
The damage had been done.
Sara was sinking fast.
Get a grip, Sidle, Sara told herself, as she fought to control her breathing. She took a long, deep breath, inhaling through her nose and exhaling through her gritted teeth, trying to shut out the flood of memories and emotions. Just calm down, she thought determinedly, her mind silently begging her body to relax. For some reason, the well-practised methods Sara had always used to calm herself were not having much of an impact. She was becoming very frustrated and she was starting to get scared. Her face red and her heart pounding, Sara reached out toward the wall, hoping to discreetly take a minute to steady her shaking body.
I just touched him, Sara thought frantically. I've been much closer to victims before....
"You okay over there, Sara?" Grissom's voice filtered into her thoughts. As Sara tried to slow her rapid breathing, she glanced over to her side, seeing Grissom out of the corner of her eye. He was across the room, knelt down next to the second body, listening to David Phillips present his initial analysis.
She nodded quickly and cleared her throat. "I'm fine," she lied, knowing very well that there was no way Grissom would believe her. He was just too perceptive. Sara closed her eyes and let her back rest against the wall. She knew Grissom was watching her but she still tried her best to hide her distress. Greg was beside Grissom but he didn't seem to think anything was wrong. At least I can still fool Greg, Sara thought, fighting to take another breath. Her thoughts quickly dissolved when she realized that she could barely breathe. She could feel her shoulders heaving and her knees weakening and she saw that Grissom was now on his feet, trying to get a better look at her. Just then, Sara completely panicked and wavering slightly, she bolted for the door.
She had to get out of the house.
Her breaths now came in rapid, ragged gasps and she felt her entire body seize up. What is happening to me? she wondered frantically as she staggered down the front steps. Her mind reeling, Sara felt the world start to spin around her and she missed the last step completely. She managed to save herself from falling but she only made it to the front lawn before she collapsed. She sank to her knees in the green grass and then stretching her arms out, she tried to brace herself. She could feel the sting of her hot tears as she held herself up on all fours. I'm breaking down, Sara realized, her heart beating wildly. I'm sinking....
"Sara!" came Grissom's voice. There was a burst of noise as Grissom and Greg clambered down the steps and Sara could hear them calling to her but their voices were hazy and distant.
The water is so deep, so cold, Sara thought, her mind slipping into another realm. Images flooded her dwindling consciousness and she found herself trapped in her own nightmare. She had finally fallen. She was in the deep end and she was about to go under. Something was tugging at her body, pulling her down into the cold, dark depths. As she fought against it, she was suddenly aware that Grissom was kneeling in front of her, trying to pull her back into reality. He was telling her to breathe, to focus, to look at him, to relax, and to stay still but Sara just couldn't seem to do any of it. She knew very well that she had to find a way to slow her breathing but a million things were running through her head, making it nearly impossible.
"We're right here, Sara," Greg said softly from beside her. She could feel his hand holding hers tightly. She tried to squeeze his fingers but she didn't have the strength.
Sara stared at Grissom, her eyes wide. "I.....I.....can't....breathe," she stammered, between painful gasps. She wore a blank look on her face and she grabbed at Grissom's shirt, desperate for any sort of help he could give her. She managed to grasp a fistful of material and she held on for dear life.
"I know, honey." His voice was gentle. "Run to my truck, Greg," she heard him say."There's a blanket in the back seat and a water bottle in the front. Get them. Now."
"You got it," came Greg's nervous reply. Sara felt him squeeze her hand and he lowered it gently to the grass, reluctantly releasing it. And then he was gone.
Sara was alone with Grissom.
On any normal day, she would have loved that. She would have loved that he was so close and so completely fixed on her. She would have loved the careful, considerate way he was touching her and the warm, soothing tone of his voice. But as she desperately fought for air, she found that she could only be grateful for his help. She clung anxiously to his every word and movement like she always did but she was far from enjoying the attention.
"Just try to concentrate on my voice, Sara. You need to take slow, deep breaths...." he instructed her softly. Sara tried to do as she was told while Grissom wrapped two fingers around her wrist, checking her pulse. If Sara hadn't been so desperately focused on following Grissom's instructions, she would have had time to contemplate the nervous hitch she detected in his voice. While she didn't get the chance to ponder it, she did make a quick mental note and she managed to relax a little, just knowing that he cared.
It meant so much to her.
Each minute seemed like an hour and Sara could feel her small frame weakening as she continued her battle to breathe. Her upper body began to sway and she instantly felt a strong arm around her shoulders. Her eyes never leaving his, Sara let her trembling form fall back and Grissom gently guided her to the ground, talking softly to reassure her. She closed her eyes, feeling his gentle hands on her face and then on either side of her neck, supporting her head as she thrashed about in her panic. Sara could feel the tears pooling beneath her eyelids. They started to fall, cascading down her cheeks, then trailing over Grissom's hands and landing in the green grass.
Grissom's voice cut through the haze that surrounded her. "You're doing great, Sar. Just keep breathing. Nice and slow."
Sara nodded. Then she realized that she could hear Greg. He was running towards her at full speed and soon he was at her side. Sara could feel a blanket being draped over her body and Grissom and Greg worked quickly, tucking it around her to keep her warm. Sara let them work around her and she managed to slow her breathing a bit. The panic was starting to wear off but it was a slow process and Sara was getting very tired. She was vaguely aware of the conversations taking place around her and the new faces that floated into her vision. David Phillips and a few uniformed officers were there asking questions. Too many questions, Sara thought weakly. She found that she could breathe even better by the time they left, half out of pure relief that they finally did.
Five minutes later, Sara finally reached the surface.
She took a deep breath and the air made it to her lungs, thoroughly flowing through them. She could breathe but her tears continued. By now, they were tears of relief and embarrassment rather than fear, meaning that Sara had gone from complete panic to utter humiliation. Grissom helped her sit up and then continued to hover over her, giving her water and checking her repeatedly for signs of shock. She began to search for her words, hoping to assure him that she was alright.
But her words had completely deserted her.
Trapped in a silent battle with her conscience, Sara became very distant. I finally broke down, she thought, feeling lost as her emotions took over.The panic attack had been frightening but all Sara could think about was the fact that she had been seen in an incredibly vulnerable state and she could no longer hide from Grissom.
She had fallen into the deep end and now there was no way she could climb out.
At least Grissom seemed to understand how she was feeling. He called Nick and asked him to help Greg at the scene and then he attentively helped Sara to her feet. He guided her shaking form over to his Tahoe, helping her into the front seat and asking her questions that she couldn't answer. Sara could only sit there as he checked her over again. She searched his expression, hoping that he would take her somewhere warm and safe. That's all she needed.
She needed to rest.
She needed to think.
Sara lay quietly on the couch in Grissom's office. She tugged lightly on the blanket that covered her, remembering how Grissom had carefully tucked it around her small frame. He had spent the better part of an hour sitting beside her, keeping her warm and making sure her condition was steadily improving. He had been so gentle with her and so careful. For a little while, Sara felt as if she were the most important person in Grissom's world and that nothing could ever distract him or take him away from her. Grissom's words were kind and soft, his tone relaxing. His presence and his actions had been enough to make Sara feel safe and supported but not enough to bring her out of her silence. What she needed was time and he had given her that. He had also made it clear that they were going to have a mandatory and rather lengthy conversation when she did feel up to talking.
Sara was both relieved and dismayed.
She was relieved because they were finally going to talk but terrified at the thought of it.Once she poured her heart out to him, there would be no turning back. Things will never be the same again, Sara realized, as she stared at the ceiling. He would look at her differently, maybe even treat her differently.
Those thoughts terrified Sara.
They terrified her because Grissom's opinion of her meant so much. She had always strived to impress him, to make him proud. She had always tried to be everything to him because he was everything to her. Absolutely everything. He was her teacher, her boss, her family and her closest friend. Their relationship had transformed over the years but deep in her heart, Sara knew that their bond was special. They were practically the same, after all. They shared a love for learning, for science, for justice, for order, they could read each other's minds and actions and they both had problems interacting with others. They were so close but at the same time, they couldn't be any further apart.
At times, they were complete strangers.
He doesn't even know me anymore, Sara thought, clenching her fists in frustration. She had always thought of their long relationship as a guarantee of sorts, as a promise that he would always be there for her when she needed him but now she couldn't help but worry that he had forgotten her, that he had become oblivious to their special bond. She took a breath, forcing herself to believe that her bond with Grissom was unbreakable.
It had to be.
She needed him.
Every time Grissom came in to check on her, Sara stole a quick glance at him, wondering if he would be there, if he was ready to help her deal with the outcome. She had concealed her emotions for so long and they were still building, steaming in the depths of her soul. If they were released, it would be explosive. She was going to need support, she was going to need the real Grissom back, not the one who had been tense and distant for so long. She would need the man who had just spent the past few hours by her side, tending to her needs, caring about her feelings. She would always want him to love her but she would need his friendship more than anything else.
Sara closed her eyes and she hid beneath the blanket, shivering uncontrollably as she replayed her nightmare, over and over again, in her mind. It was so real now that she could remember specific details. She could clearly see and feel herself struggling in the cold water, sinking below the surface. She was trapped in the dark with the light teasing her as it twinkled from above, just out of her reach. She tried to follow a trail of bubbles as they swirled around her limp body, dancing as they rose to the top, charging up where she could not go. She couldn't breathe, she couldn't think, she couldn't move and she couldn't escape.
She was stuck. She had to talk, whether she liked it, or not.
Her panic attack had ignited the inevitable.
Sara knew that she had lost so much control. For once, she wasn't in charge of what she did and what was going to happen. She was just going to have to follow along and let herself be vulnerable. At least Grissom was going to initiate some sort of conversation with her. It had been a long time since the two of them actually sat down together and it was a step in the right direction. Yet Sara cringed when Grissom stepped into his office.
"You ready to talk to me?" he asked, his voice soft but firm.
Sara just nodded, tears streaming down her cheeks. She sat up carefully and looked at Grissom, immediately searching his face, hoping to find some indication of where their discussion would be going, or rather, how far it would go. She must have done it instinctively because she knew in her heart that she was about to tell him everything. Sara looked into Grissom's eyes. There was no evidence of any emotion in his other features but Sara was sure she saw a glimmer of sympathy in his gaze. She felt her body relax, ever so slightly.
She remained silent as Grissom cautiously sat down next to her and adjusted the blanket so that it covered her quivering shoulders. His eyes were fixed on her face and he looked as if he were pondering what he should do, or choosing the right words to say. Sara momentarily studied the mix of concern and compassion she had discovered in his expression. He really does care, she realized, feeling a glimmer of hope. She followed his eyes as they traveled down to her hands.
They were shaking.
"Are you still cold or is it nerves?" he asked gently. "Or both?"
Sara stared at her hands in surprise. They were visibly trembling and she clearly hadn't been paying attention."I....I didn't notice," she stammered, breaking through her silence at last. "I....I think it's probably both."
"That's okay, Sara," Grissom replied quietly, reaching out to tenderly touch her arm. Sara's heart immediately skipped a beat when he wrapped his fingers tightly around her trembling hand and she felt an unfamiliar warmth radiate through her body. In fact, she had never been so warm in her entire life. She could only stare at their entwined hands, wondering if she should even dare to think it could mean something. Knowing that those thoughts would only upset her more, Sara just closed her eyes and soaked in the warmth, praying it would last forever.
"Don't let go," she begged.
"I won't." His words were barely audible but Sara didn't have any trouble hearing him. She had been depending on his voice all day, relying on both his words and his tone. Now her ears were finely tuned to his voice, no matter how quiet he was and she was wholeheartedly grateful for his reassurance.
Sara had been trying desperately to hold back her tears but she was far from winning the battle. Her emotions had been so far out of control all day and her eyes were red and swollen from crying. She felt awful and she looked awful and there wasn't anything she could do about it. The only thing she could do was talk all her feelings out. But it was all so confusing and so difficult.
"What should I say, Griss?" she sobbed. "I don't know where to start."
Grissom sighed, gazing into Sara's eyes. She stared back at him as if he held all the answers she needed, as if he could end her pain with a few simple words. Grissom reached up with his free hand to gently wipe a tear away from her cheek. It wasn't necessarily a romantic gesture, it was just kind and comforting. It was exactly what she needed to help put her at ease.
"Sara," he began, his voice faltering slightly. "We don't have to talk here," he whispered, "We can go somewhere else."
Sara nodded slowly. There were no words to describe the simultaneous tension and relief that she felt. She tried to come up with a response but she wasn't exactly sure how she wanted to proceed or where they should go. Sara knew she wouldn't be comfortable talking in Grissom's office. It seemed too formal. But she needed to break the ice before they went anywhere. If she didn't, she wouldn't find the strength she would need later. She needed to test the waters, so to speak.
"I just need to get a few things out first," Sara said, her voice hoarse. "Or I may never do it."
"That's fine," Grissom replied softly. "You just let me know when you're ready, okay?"
"Okay," she agreed, rather timidly. Then she took a deep breath. "I want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened today." Grissom frowned and tried to stop her from apologizing but Sara tearfully plowed through his protest. "I touched him, Griss," she whispered. "I touched his cheek for just a second and then ...." She paused, noticing that her whole body was shaking. "All....all the memories...." Sara felt pressure on her hand and she looked down to see Grissom still squeezing her fingers tightly. She took another breath, trying to calm herself. "Every part of me just collapsed...."
Grissom sighed. "Honey...."
Honey. Sara silently repeated the word. He had called her that several times now but she still had no idea what he really meant by it. His intentions were always so unclear. She couldn't allow herself to think about it, anyway. She had to keep talking. "I don't know what happened to me...." she told him, allowing her tears to fall.
"Don't worry about it, Sara. You can't control things like that."
"I thought I could."
Grissom raised one eyebrow, his concern now evident in his features. "You can't," he assured her. Then he lowered his voice and bowed his head slightly. "This isn't your fault. I...I've known you for a long time and I know this goes much deeper...." His body shifted uneasily. "I should have said something before today."
Grissom had let his guard down.
Sara was shocked. He can't possibly feel responsible, she told herself. But with another look at Grissom, she realized that he did. The look on his face told her that he felt just as guilty as she did for the tension in their relationship "Grissom....." she cried. "I've pushed you away too...."
"It wasn't my intention, Sara. I'm sorry."
Sara carefully processed his words. He was answering her questions unknowingly, confirming that he cared but she still didn't know if he would be there for her in the way she needed him to be. She bit her lower lip, cleared her throat and decided that it was time to ask. "I want to be able to talk to you, Griss," she said nervously. "I want to know that you'll be here for me. I want us to be like we used to be."
Silence.
"I want that more than anything," Grissom finally whispered, his voice full of emotion. He hesitated for only a moment before wrapping an arm around Sara's shoulders. She trembled under his touch but it was clear that she could no longer do without it. Sara soon found herself completely enveloped in Grissom's arms, held tightly in an embrace that meant the world to her. He held her close, closer than she had ever been, and she wept in his arms. Her head rested gently on his chest and she listened to the rapid beat of his heart, certain that her own fluttering heart had matched the pace.
Sara was dizzy with warmth and relief. "Thank-you," she cried softly.
Grissom gently stroked her hair. "For what, Sar?"
"For this." She looked up at him, smiling though her tears. "For today. For everything. No one has ever taken care of me like this before," she explained. She studied Grissom's face as she spoke, looking directly into his eyes and wondering again about the emotion she saw in them.
Grissom brought one of his hands to her cheek, caressing it lightly. This time, Sara was certain that the gesture was as romantic as it was comforting and she shivered instantly. She leaned into his palm and tried to memorize the feel of his touch.
"You scared me today," he admitted.
"I scared myself too," she said quietly. "I've always had this nightmare-"
"Nightmare?"
Sara nodded. "One of the many reasons I never sleep," she clarified. Then she went on to explain."In this nightmare, I'm always out in the water, out where it's over my head and I'm getting pulled under." She took a breath. "Or I'll be kicking my legs so hard that I'm exhausted and I just start to sink...."
"Is that how you feel?" Grissom asked gently.
"That's exactly how I feel," she replied sadly. "I've been trying to just stay on top of everything for so long and I just can't do it. I can't do it alone anymore. I'm tired of feeling like this."Sara felt absolutely sick. She had just admitted defeat and she had just made her official cry for help. Now she could only wait. Cradled in his warm embrace, she looked up at him, anticipating his reply.
But he didn't speak.
Instead, Grissom's lips delicately brushed her forehead. "You won't be alone anymore, Sara," he whispered into her ear. "I promise you that."
Sara was stunned.
She looked up at him in a daze, tears of relief and joy streaming down her cheeks. He had kissed her on the forehead and from any other person that probably wouldn't mean anything. But this was Grissom. He never got that close to anybody. When Sara's mind finally caught up to her heart, everything started to become clear again. A promise and a kiss..... She closed her eyes, listening to the rhythmic sound of his breathing and contemplating her next move. He had made his promise and now she felt that she had enough strength to tell him everything.
"I'm ready now....."she breathed.
"Just tell me where you want to go and we'll go there," he said, gently reaching for her hand.
"Take me home, Grissom," she whispered.
Grissom nodded and supporting Sara's unsteady body with his strong arms, he slowly helped her to her feet. He guided her out of his office and into the hall, talking softly as they walked. Sara was both physically and emotionally drained and every step was difficult....
But she had never felt lighter, or happier.
I'm not treading water anymore, Sara realized. Her past had threatened to pull her under for so long but she was about to release herself from it. She had been stuck in the cold, dark, isolated deep end for too long and now all she wanted to do was stand on solid ground again. Knowing that she had Grissom by her side made all the difference.
She was ready.
It was time to tell her story.
Author's Note: This is my first CSI story and I would very much appreciate any feedback you could give me! I am working on some other stories (mainly Grissom/Sara and some Greg too!) that I hope to post here so please let me know if you would like to see more! Thank-you for reading!
Jazz