GET A LIFE

Lindsay's tired of living in the prison she's created for herself. She's ready to get a life. Possible DL

I promised myself that I wouldn't write another "poor Lindsay" story – at least not for a while. This was a story that I started writing (about two months ago) and abandoned before I made that decision. It was abandoned because I couldn't make up my mind where I wanted this story to go. I decided to finish it because I had already completed five pages. Let me know what you think.

CSI:NY

CHAPTER 1

Lindsay had decided that she was going to live the rest of her life alone. Surprisingly, when she became tired of trying to overcome her past, she finally accepted that she would never get rid of her demons, and her nightmares went away. If she had known about this little trick earlier, she would never have pushed everyone away. She had managed to alienate everyone – her family, friends, and co-workers. Her days consisted of work, and her nights consisted of watching TV alone, eating alone, or going to a movie alone. This was her life. She didn't like it but she had made her bed and now she had to lie in it.

She faked having pride in her appearance. After all, who was she trying to attract? She did still have pride in her job, but she was not as passionate about it anymore; it wasn't enough. She wanted a social life, a real life, but she didn't know how to reconnect with people.

CSI:NY

"Good morning." Mac addressed his team of CSIs before he assigned them to cases. "We have a DB in Central Park. That's yours, Lindsay and Sheldon. Angell will meet you at the scene. There are two DBs in Lincolnshire Village, Stella and Danny. Flack will meet you there."

Mac gave them the exact locations of their crime scenes and they left his office. Lindsay and Hawkes walked together. He was the only one who still had a relationship of sorts with Lindsay.

When they got in the car, he decided to try to get her out of her shell.

"So, what's going on, Lindsay?"

"Same ol' same ol'. You know how it is."

"No, I don't know how it is. Tell me."

Lindsay looked at him knowing that he was trying to get her to have a deep and meaningful conversation with him - again.

"Nothing's going on. All of my days are the same, Hawkes."

"They don't have to be." He eyed her, knowing that she got the meaning.

Lindsay gave a half-hearted smile and said, "I know. It's just easier this way." Liar.

"Easier for whom? It couldn't be easy for you. And I know it's not easy for the people who want to be close to you and can't. You're robbing a lot of people of the wonderful experience of getting to know you."

She chuckled. "Oh, really?"

"Really. You're a great and interesting person. You should let people know that."

"Thanks for the advice, Hawkes. I'll keep that in mind."

He knew that she was brushing him off and attempting to end the conversation. He made one more attempt to get her out of her funk, knowing that it was futile.

"The gang's going out tonight. Why don't you join us for drinks? It's on me."

She was tired of repeating the same old line, but she couldn't help herself. "As tempting as it is, I'm going to have to pass."

Hawkes raised a brow at her. "You have to pass?"

"Yes, I have a lot of paperwork to finish and it'll take me until tonight. Mac wants it finished ASAP."

"Suppose I help you with it…"

"Sheldon," she whined. Since she used his first name, he knew that she was fed up with his line of questioning.

"Just asking. You're off tomorrow, right? Suppose I come over and we watch a movie or something." He looked at her as her resolve began to crumble. She sighed and looked at him.

"Raincheck? Next week, I promise."

He wagged a finger at her and said with a smile, "I'm going to hold you to that."

CSI:NY

When Lindsay and Hawkes made it back, they brought their evidence to the lab to be processed. Her partner took pity on her and decided to let her get started on her mountain of paperwork while he began processing. A few hours later she was close to finishing up when she realized that it was time to go home. This was the worst part of her day. As aloof as she was with her coworkers, she did not relish going home to her empty apartment. When she realized what time it was, she became emotional. Don't cry, Lindsay, don't cry. You're at work. You can't cry. The tears began streaming down her face.

Danny entered their office, and before he looked at her, he heard her sniffle. When he looked at her, he saw her wiping her eyes and he became concerned.

"What's wrong, Lindsay?" he asked, knowing that he wouldn't get a straight answer.

"Allergies," was all she managed to say, her voice faltering.

Danny didn't buy it for a second, but he didn't want to push it. "Ooookay."

Lindsay wiped her eyes again and made her way to her locker so that she could go home - alone.

CSI:NY

Lindsay decided to stop at a bar close to her apartment before heading home. She found a dimly-lit corner booth and planted herself there. This was her favorite spot to unwind because nobody could see or hear her there. She ordered a beer, which was to be her companion for the night. After she had drunk a few, her pity party was in full swing and she was unable to hold in her emotions. With her head resting on her arms, which were on the table, she sobbed uncontrollably, thinking of her sad and lonely life.

Lindsay felt the presence of someone sitting down next to her. She didn't look up until she felt a hand wrap around her shoulder. Startled, she lifted her head to see who was touching her without permission. Danny. How did he know I was here?

"What are you doing here, Danny?" The look on her face and the tone of her voice told him that she was not happy to see him.

"I come here sometimes to unwind after work." He paused. "You might need to get a shot for those allergies, Montana."

Lindsay didn't say anything. She just put her head back on the table.

After a while he asked, "Is this what you do everyday after work?"

"No," was her muffled reply.

"You know that I can't leave you in here like this."

"Go away, Danny."

He whispered, "Montana, I'm pretty sure you're drunk, so I'm not leaving here without you. I'm going to walk you back to your place." He threw a few bills on the table to cover their drinks and a tip.

Lindsay knew that she had no choice in the matter. She peeled herself from the booth and Danny was her support as she hobbled out of the bar. She was too drunk to notice all of the stares she got from the other patrons. She looked like a lush who had to be dragged out of bars by her loved ones.

The night air hit her and sobered her up a bit and she was OK walking on her own. She and Danny walked in silence to her apartment. When they arrived to the front door he held out his hand for her keys. She dug in her purse and gave them to him and he let them in. She led the way to her apartment and he unlocked that door and they both entered. He shut the door and locked it while Lindsay walked to the couch and plopped down, still a little hazy. Danny made his way to the kitchen to fix her some coffee, and as the coffee maker worked, he joined her on the couch. He stared at her until she could no longer take his staring, at which point she curtly asked, "What?"

"I don't know what happened to you, Lindsay. Did New York do this to you?"

Her tears began to fall again and she mouthed, "No."

"Did Montana do this to you?"

"No."

"Did I do this to you, or work?"

"No. I did this to myself, Danny." She looked him in the eyes for the first time and moved closer to him. "Danny…I'm not good at sharing my feelings or talking about my problems."

No kidding, Danny thought.

"When I became overwhelmed, I shut down emotionally. I couldn't let anyone in."

"Is that working for you, Lindsay?"

Her eyes left his and focused on her hands which were playing with a tassel on one of her throw pillows. "No. I know that it's not working for me. I've boxed myself into a corner and I can't get out." She rubbed her face with her hands. "I'm so miserable and I don't know how not to be miserable. I've pushed everyone away, and now that I've gotten some things figured out, I'm all alone. This really sucks." She chuckled, which made him smile. "I used to be able to hide myself in my job, but now I don't have anything to hide from and it's too late to…"

"It's never too late. You're alone because you want to be. You wanted space, we gave you space. Don't be ashamed because you needed time to work things out. We've all needed time. And you don't have to share all of your personal business with everyone. Do you think Mac knows everything about me? Do you think I know everything about Stella? And who knows what Sid does in his spare time?" They both smiled.

"If you're ready to rejoin the living, you're always welcome."

"Are you saying I'm with the dead?" she said with a grin.

"Would you say you've been living?"

Lindsay shook her head.

"Any time you're ready, Montana."

He could tell by the look on her face and by her demeanor that she was, in fact, ready. She was visibly relaxed and seemed open to the idea of enjoying his company.

"I'm going to have some hangover tomorrow. Thank goodness I'm off."

Danny chuckled. "What are your plans?"

"Hawkes said he wanted to come over and watch a movie, but I gave him a rain check for next week. I should probably give him a call. He's been so worried about me; he refuses to give up on me."

Danny looked at her with a smile. "Give him a call and we can all do something together tomorrow. Okay?"

She couldn't help but smile. "Okay."

TBC