Hello! This is my first ever attempt at Castle fan fiction, so I hope I did it justice. Please let me know what you think!

Disclaimer: I own nothing, except a laptop an over active imagination and a slight case of insomnia.

It had been three years. Possibly, Rick thought, the longest three years of his life. While some of his experiences had been the best of his life -not including the birth of his daughter- he had also experienced some of the worst. Kate's recovery being one of them. He wasn't quite sure what he had expected, somewhere in the back of his mind he expected her to wake up and declare her love for him, dump her Doctor boyfriend and move into his loft during her recovery. Of course, that had just been the optimistic writer in him.

She didn't dump Josh, not straight away anyway. In fact, much to Rick's dismay, she had allowed- under strict doctors orders- motorcycle boy to all but move in with her during her recovery. At that stage, he had been happy enough that she had let him back into her life so he put up with the fact Josh barely took care of her for her. The last thing she need whilst recovering from a bullet wound was Rick 'causing trouble' for her. So, he did what he knew best: he didn't leave her alone. Every day he would go round to make sure she was ok, at first she acted exasperated but after about a week of visits Kate presented him with a key saying that it would make her life easier if she didn't have to move to let him in everyday. It wasn't always easy. She would yell at him, tell him to get out, only to call him two hours later saying she was sorry and needed his help to get to physical therapy because yet again Josh couldn't do it. He finally felt like he was getting their partnership, or whatever it truly was, back on track.

However, with his luck regarding Kate Beckett , this all went horribly wrong one night about ten weeks after the shooting. He let himself in, because he knew Josh was working that night, with a bag of Chinese food in one hand and a DVD set of the sixth series of Temptation Lane in another because they had been working their way through the soap on the days when it had simply been too painful for her to move. His plans had been interrupted at the sound of arguing, which stopped as soon as the door closed behind him. The look on Josh's face when he realised Castle had a key was a picture. Then he started shouting more. Kate was doing a pretty good job of standing up for herself, until she threw her arms up in exasperation and hissed in pain, she'd managed to pull on her injury in just the wrong way. That was when Rick had stepped in, both physically as someone for Kate to lean on and mentally.

He'd told Josh that he had been that one to look after Kate and take her verbal abuse when she had enough of everything, he was the one who took her to physical therapy most of the time and watched her try to be herself again and fail and perhaps most of all he was the one who had seen her get shot. He had almost seen the light go out. His rant had definitely shut the arguing couple up. Josh looked furious, and Kate was holding onto him just a little tighter. The next morning when he came round Doctor Motorcycle Boy was history. She never told him why when he asked for details. After that he spent more and more time at her place, until he eventually convinced her to stay at his place some of the time. Kate claimed it was because of his promises of a walk in shower and a Jacuzzi bath, he liked to think it was because they were getting closer to being more than whatever they were.

That didn't happen as quickly as he liked. When she was cleared for work, just desk duty at first, he only saw her at the precinct. She didn't come to his place anymore and he knew better than to simply let himself into her apartment. He didn't want his key taken away from him. It actually took until her first day back on the streets. Which was five months after her shooting. It had been a hard case to deal with, but simple enough to crack. It had caused them to argue, and she had sent him home. He woke up to furious knocking on his door at 2am, he was thankful neither his mother or his daughter had been home. He had been about to berate the person on the other side of his front door when he realised it was her. She had been crying. When Rick let her in, she didn't say anything to him. He wasn't sure what to expect, but it certainly had not been Kate Beckett leaning forward and kissing him after staring at him for a few long moments.

After he had summoned every ounce of self control in his body he pulled away and asked her what was going on. She simply told him she was doing what she should have done a long time ago, before all the physical therapy, before Doctor Motorcycle Boy and before anyone had been shot. They never turned back. He knew loving Kate was not going to be easy, but he wanted, needed to do it. One thing that had become clear when she was in surgery fighting for her life was that he could not live without her.

So, three years after the shooting and over two and a half years since she turned up at his apartment he found himself sitting on his sofa, unable to sleep, in the middle of the night. He sat there with his head in his hands trying to clear all the bad thoughts and nightmares from his head. He tried to forget the look of heartbreak on Montgomery's wife's face when they handed her the flag from the top of the coffin, and the feel of his fiancés blood on his hands. These things had happened a long time ago, but sometimes, like tonight, the memories surfaced and they made his head and heart ache. The love of his life was ruthless and stubborn. He knew, that there was a distinct possibility one day in the future he would be the one handed that folded American Flag. Sometimes, he hated her job.

"Rick?" Her voice startled him. He looked up from his hands and saw her standing there wearing one of his shirts, looking surprisingly awake for the time that it was. "What are you doing?" She moved towards him, and as she got closer she could see the worry etched onto his face. "What's wrong?" She asked, concerned. She sat next to him on the sofa and put her hand on his knee. He was avoiding her gaze, so she pulled his face round to look at her.

"I couldn't sleep." He finally answered.

"Come on, Rick- you are a terrible liar. What's really wrong?" She said softly. Her hand on his face was gently stroking his cheek. When they had first started dating she hadn't really liked the fact he was so into touching her. Now, she couldn't make it through the day without the knowledge that when she got home he would be there waiting to snuggle on the sofa and watch mindless television with her.

"I had a nightmare. I didn't want to wake you up so I came out here." Still not the whole truth, but he didn't want to burden her with all his thoughts from this evening.

"What was it about?" She asked quietly. She wasn't stupid, she knew what day it technically was now that the time had way past midnight. His eyes flickered to the scar that peeked out slightly from underneath the shirt she was wearing. The scar that ran from half way down her abdomen to the top of the curve of her left breast. She had been so self conscious about it when they first started being them. He had always simply accepted it as part of her, but on days like this it was a taunting reminder of what he had almost never had.

"You know what it was about." He replied once he was looking at her face again. She sighed, wishing that one day this would stop hurting him. She wanted to take these thoughts and nightmares away from him.

"I had a nightmare too," She moved closer to him so she could feel his warmth. So she could convince herself that her dream hadn't been real. "For a moment, when I woke up and you weren't there, I thought-" she stops herself before she says it. She looks down to their hands and saw him fiddling with her engagement rings. "We both need to stop doing this to ourselves. It isn't good for us."

"If I lost you Kate, I honestly don't know what I would do. I can barely even think about it." His head returned to his hands, although this time one of her hands was still linked with one of his.

"I think about losing you too, but-"

"There is a difference Kate. You work with criminals every day. What's going to happen to me? Death by laptop?" His voice was bitter, it briefly took her aback before her anger kicked in.

"There is no difference at all!" She said, outraged. She pulled away from him. "You work with me too? Don't you think it kills me inside to know that I expose you to dangerous people nearly every day." She took a moment to breath, knowing that this was not her Rick she was talking to. This was a Rick who had been left alone with his thoughts too long and was emotionally and physically tired. "We can't live our lives in fear, Rick. We need just need to live. We need to get married, have a family and deal with something like that if it ever happens." She looks at him and for the first time since she saw him sitting there he smiled.

"That sounds like something I would say, or write. Are you sure you haven't been snooping through my notes?" She smiled back at him.

"Positive. And please, try and cheer up a little. Being the optimist in our relationship is exhausting. I don't know how you do it all the time." She replied, she could see the boyish glint returning to his eyes and she knew whatever happened tonight was over, for now at least.

"I'll try detective. Now, how about we go back to bed," He said as he held her hands and pulled her to her feet. "We have work in the morning." He pressed a simple kiss to her lips, which he felt her smiling into.

"You mean I have work, you should be writing your book. The deadline is coming up and if you don't meet it there is no way in hell Gina is going to allow you to go to the Hamptons for a vacation." They started walking back towards their bedroom, arms around each other's waist. "And let me tell you, seeing as you booked me a week of work without asking me I am going with or without you."

"It's not my fault I'm useful. I happen to have been told by one of New York's finest that I am the best partner they have ever had."

"And I have regretted those words since the moment I said them." She teased. They crawled into bed feeling exhausted and she cuddled up to him. After a few moments of silence she spoke. "Hey, Castle?"

"Yes, Beckett?"

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

So, was it any good? I know there are about 10 million post-series stories so I wanted to try something at least a little different.

Please review- it means the world to me!

Thanks,

Things We Never Say.