"Our battered suitcases were piled on the sidewalk again;
we had longer ways to go. But no matter, the road is life."
(Jack Kerouac)
On The Road
12 years ago
The art of law certainly was not one that washed its hands clean from all injustice. It was so much more complex than simply awarding it with an attribute; boxing statements and actions into categories of right and wrong.
Some people made the right choices for the wrong reasons and others completely strayed from the law in its entity.
Harvey had always believed in the law, in the justice it promised and in the chance for society it brought along with it. That was until the actions of his boss put an innocent man behind bars, for a crime he did not commit.
Harvey had seen the law fail justice and right then he decided to quit his job at the DA's office - the promising career it entitled ceased to excite him anymore.
Harvey leaned against the white wall opposite the women's bathroom, tapping his right foot rhythmically to the beating of his heart. He flexed his right hand several times, an apparent nervousness surrounding him that would have surprised everyone who had observed him in the courtroom in his previous trials. He was confident within the boundaries of the law but this was so much bigger, so much more important to him. This was his life and he was going to change it; consequences be damned.
He had a plan for himself, for her, for them as a union - an exit strategy of sorts which would entitle them to start over, clean slate and new opportunities included.
The door of the women's bathroom opened and when Harvey saw a flash of strawberry red hair, he stepped forward, grabbing her forearm softly and leading her towards the staircase.
"Harvey, what's going on?"
He did not turn around then but the confusion was evident in her voice and the way she said his name. Harvey had not discussed this with her and he supposed it might make her mad but that was a risk he was willing to take if only it meant that she was safe and accompanying him out the door.
"Not here," Harvey simply answered without further explanation. He suspected that his behavior irritated her but all he wanted then was to get to the roof, to get some space, some air and some clarity.
He loosened the grip on her forearm then and let his hand slide all the way down to her hand, entwining his fingers with hers. Once he had led her up the stairs and out onto the roof, he turned around and squeezed her hand gently.
"What's going on, Harvey? You're scaring me."
Her voice was soft, betraying the confusion and fear in her eyes, Harvey noticed and brought his left hand up to rest on the skin between her shoulder and the side of her neck. He smiled, nodded and sighed before he spoke up again.
"We're leaving."
His eyes lit up at the ability to tell her, finally. Harvey had planned this for weeks now, preparing their exits carefully. He let his fingers lightly massage the tense muscles underneath his fingers and Donna had to bite down on her lip hard in order not to moan out of sheer pleasure. Then, she smiled.
"We're not coming back. We have enough vacation and sick days to hand in our notices. I drew up the letters already, you just need to sign it and we're done."
Harvey thoughtlessly played with a strand of her hair, twirling it around his index finger, staring blankly over her shoulder.
"Why?"
Donna whispered and just slightly leaned into his touch when his thumb lightly caressed her cheek.
"Because we have to."
Because we are losing ourselves.
"Why are you doing this for me?"
There was the question which had been infiltrating their friendship, a quiet yet consistent voice that kept nagging in the back of her mind.
"Because I have to!"
Because we're us.
It scared him how much he needed to protect her, no matter the personal cost to him. She had risked so much for him in the short time of them working together without demanding anything in return. He trusted her. He needed her.
"But why me?"
Silence deafening them both at the inability to speak up, to explain, and to confess. Harvey started to get mad at himself, at his own cowardice. In that moment he could have stepped up and told her – everything. Even if he had not found the right words he could have shown, hugging her tightly to his chest and placing a soft kiss on the side of her head.
Instead, right then and there on a Friday evening in New York City he not only failed his own expectations, he failed hers, too.
It would come back to haunt him for many years.
-
4 weeks later
It was a Friday night and Pearson/Hardman held a party for the new associates at the firm. The rooms were decorated elegantly in black and white, the associates were supposed to dress nicely for the occasion and there was plenty of booze to kill the awkwardness of cozying up to the bosses.
Harvey stood to the side, leaning against a wall with a tumbler of Scotch in his hand. He was scanning the crowd, observing his fellow associates and analyzing the dynamics. After all, he thought, tactical advantage comes to those who observe and study their opponents' weaknesses. Harvey had come to Pearson/Hardman to achieve, to climb the ladder to the highest step. He had wasted years trying to do what's right for the people, he thought it was time he did what was right for him.
The elevator dinged about six feet from where he stood and when the doors opened he saw red hair and smiled. Donna.
Donna stepped off the elevator in a knee-length, hunter-green dress which showed off a nice portion of her cleavage and upper back. She wore her hair in soft curls which hung loosely down her shoulders. As she made her way over to the bar, she scanned the room for familiar faces and was not surprised to see quite a few men following her every step with their eyes. She turned to the bartender and ordered a dry martini for herself before turning around to greet Jessica who had approached her.
Harvey gripped the glass in his hand tightly, unable to either drink or move. He stood there, watching her from across the room. They had not talked since that night on the roof of the DA's office. Harvey had given her a ride home, said his goodbyes and told her to relax for those two weeks they would be unemployed. He chuckled as he remembered his first day at work amongst so many other associates, assigned to a cubicle whereas Donna was replacing Daniel Hardman's personal assistant for the time being with a nice office and plenty of windows. He had thought about calling her so many times and every time he almost hit the call button he had no idea what to tell her and so Harvey did not do it at all.
Even now, Harvey admitted to himself and sighed, he was clueless. He did not understand his feelings. He liked her, a lot, but Harvey did not think that he loved her. Donna was his best friend, the only one he had really ever had as an adult and Harvey feared he would only lead her on if he pursued this out of misinterpreted affection. Maybe, in a moment of honesty he would admit to himself that he was scared because it felt real – right,even.
He took a drink from the glass in his hands, letting the amber liquid numbing his senses and easing his guilt.
Twenty minutes and two more Scotches later, Harvey excused himself to follow Donna into a quieter hallway where the bathrooms were located. He had spent the last twenty minutes watching his colleagues repeatedly hitting on his Donna, some buying her drinks and other escorting her to the dance floor.
Once again he waited impatiently in front of the women's bathroom and just like it was then, he was waiting for Donna Paulsen.
The door opened and Donna stepped into the hallway. She did not see him at first but when he came up to her, pressing her against the wall with his own body all she could do was close her eyes and inhale the unique scent that belonged to Harvey Specter, her Harvey Specter. Donna felt both of his hands coming up to her face to cup both of her cheeks. She felt his breath on her lips but could not, would not open her eyes.
"Open your eyes, Donna," Harvey breathed agitatedly, bringing his forehead to rest against hers.
Donna shook her head lightly without obeying his request. Harvey leaned back a little and placed two very soft kisses on both of her eyelids before he repeated his request once more.
She kept her eyes closed for a few more seconds and breathed heavily against his lips.
"What are you doing?"
"What I have to."
Harvey leaned further in, an almost impossible action and touched his lips tentatively to hers as if he was still unsure whether or not he would be rejected by her.
The moment Donna felt Harvey's lips on hers she lost the last bit of resolve she had clung to in order to not hook up with the one person in her life that she cared about unconditionally. She had always reasoned with herself, told herself that what they had – their friendship was not worth the risk of wrecking it by a fling, born in a fleeting moment of intense attraction. But then he pressed against her softly, bringing her closer with one of his hands on the back of her head and the other on the small of her back and all she could think about then was his hands, his lips, his skin all over hers.
"What are we doing?" Harvey whispered against her lips with a smile on his own.
"What we have to!" Donna said and captured his lips once more.
It could have been the start of something great, Harvey would later say, but instead it was the end of something that had never really begun.
Jessica cleared her throat behind them and both Harvey and Donna sprung apart. Donna's right hand went up to her face to unconsciously check her lipstick and make up. Harvey looked at Jessica sternly but he could not fool Donna, in that moment he was scared that he might have lost his chance to rise in this place – his place of employment. Donna's heart started beating rapidly as it dawned on her that she might have given in too early. Again.
She excused herself and headed back to the party to get some more alcohol. She had a feeling she would need it.
"Harvey," Jessica said angrily, "we need to talk!"
The music from the party was filling Jessica's office with a soft sound, penetrating the silence which was starting to wear down the courage and determination Harvey had walked into the office with; ready to fight for what he believed was worth fighting for.
Jessica was restlessly pacing behind her desk, lost in thought and with a stern look on her face. Not a word was said for several more minutes. Harvey loosened the tie around his neck with sweaty hands.
"When I met you, you were a screw-up with plenty of potential but no focus. I took you under my wing because I believed in you, in your potential to be a good – no, a great lawyer! I got you into Harvard on a full scholarship. I never asked for anything in return."
Jessica paused and went over to the cupboard next to the door to pour two glass of what Harvey assumed was expensive scotch. He would later learn to appreciate the exquisite taste but it would always leave a trace of bitterness in the back of his throat; the feeling of regret.
Jessica walked quietly over to where Harvey sat on her couch, handed him one of the glasses and held onto it when Harvey's fingers came in contact with the glass, forcing the young man to look up at his boss.
"I'm asking now." Jessica paused to take a sip from her scotch. "You have to stop it!"
Harvey looked at her with anger and disappointment in his eyes but knew better than to say anything in return. He only shook his head lightly to indicate that he was not okay with the decision she made for him.
"You will, Harvey! If you don't I'll have to let her go. This, working here, is a great chance for Donna, too. But if she interferes with your career, Harvey, I'll let her go without giving it a moment's thought."
Jessica let go of the glass. Harvey brought it to his mouth, downed the liqueur in one go, stood up and walked out the door without giving any kind of reply.
He walked past his colleagues in the hallways, took the elevator down and decided to hit a bar to numb the guilt and anger he felt. Harvey was sure that it would need a lot of alcohol to silence the nagging voices in his head.
Tbc.